ye110wbeard's Land of Silly Un-Official Funny Fridays Site: Satire

Little Black Truck - the Sing a Long :)

Tue, 29 Apr 2008 03:53:02 GMT

The RodFather Part NULL

Wed, 16 Jan 2008 23:13:58 GMT

*Cough* *Cough*

A disturbing noise is heard within the halls. A raspy voice cries out... Or more accurately; mumbles.

"My friends.." Raspy Rodney drolls out. "I feel that I am not well. I think it would be within our best interests to find a solution to the present problem."

In for the day Barnaby peers about the corner. He looks in to see Rodney decked out in heavy blankets. He is looking and sounding suspiciously like Marlon Brando from the 'Godfather'. In fact there is violin music playing that very theme in the background.

"My friend, your assistance in this matter would be most appreciated. The Rodfather would take it as a great personal favour."

Rodney gestures towards his car.

"If you would be so kind as so start my means of covey, it would aid in my means of meeting with my associates if you take my meaning." Rasps Rodney.

Barnaby scratches his head and excuses himself. He goes to find Mark and John.

Having found them he gestures towards where Rodney is laying about.

"Guys, Rodney seems a little 'off' today. Calling himself the Rodfather?"

They walk to where Rodney is sitting. Mark looks down.

"Feeling a little out of it Mr. Buike?"

Rodney points feebly to the left to a large pile of used 'Neo Citrons' 'Bufferin' and an open box of 'Lucky Charms'.

"The Rodfather likes the Football, he likes the yelling. But the snow not so much." He mumbles Brando style.

"If you could aid me, this favour would not be forgotten. Some day, you may ask of me; this favour which you might need. I would be indebted to you from this day."

Mark enjoying this little scene looks down. "and what is it you need Oh Rodfather?" Mark intones.

In a gravely raspy dying sound the Rodfather moans out.

"HOME. HOME. And maybe if my associates could fetch me some Chicken Soup. It would also be a great personal favour if you could keep that Friday Funny Guy away from the Twitter." moaned the Rodfather.

And so it was an escort armed with hot Chicken Soup and baseball bats drove the Rodfather home to a warmer domicile.

And proceeded immediately after of course to smash Friday Funny Guys phone and internet to give everybody some peace and quiet.

.... Get well Mr. Buike.... :)

Makin' Money

Fri, 11 Jan 2008 02:08:13 GMT

It's yet another day in the Holy Halls of Microsoft Canada. There is a smell in the air. A wonderful smell.

"Cookies!" Damir cries out. The air is RIPE with the smell of hot fresh cookies. His keen trained senses draw him to the source.

It is the office of John Oxley. Glorious leader of the shenanigans crowd. Damir peeks inside to see John decked out in a Pirate's tricot and bandana with a baker's smock hovered over a bowl. He is stirring it with great concentration. An odd site to see indeed.

"Arrrrr. Cookies. Vaarry good cookies. Arrrrrrrr." John grumbles in piratey talk.

"John. Whatcha doin?" Damir says as he peers further inside.

"Arrrrrrrr. I be bakin' cookies... Arrrrr. Vaaarry good cookies. Cookies fer Bill. Arrrrrrr!"

Damir stands puzzled for a moment. "Try me again?"

"Cookies ye fool! I be bakin' cookies fer Bill."

Again time for Damir to be a little off balance here. But he could sort that out with a simpler question.

"Ok wonderful sir. What TYPE of cookies?" (ignoring the whole "Bill" part)

"Ye be askin'? I be a tellin'. They be Chocolate Money Cookies! Arrrrr! Cookies fer Bill Gates! Arrrrrr!"

Damir gives his brain a shake and face a kick.

"Why?" Is all his poor brain seems to be able to come up with.

"Arrrrrr.... Chocolate Money Cookies fer Bill fer me te Retire! Arrrrrr!"

Sure enough, some how John has requisitioned a stove and 220 volt outlet for his office. Stacked high are trays upon trays of delectable cookies.

And strangely enough a big bag of money.

"If ye be helpin' ye can share in th' booty! ARrrrrrrrr!" John grumbles through the baking.

The thought of retiring early was too much for Damir. And retiring off Bill Gates money! Better!

And so conveniently Damir whips out his own Pirate Tricot and bandana and begins helping. More batter, more chocolate!

"Arrrrr!" Cries out Damir armed with a large blender. "Arrr! Chocolate Money Cookies! Arrrrrr!"

The smells began to ooze and coat the halls of the office. Others began to wander in.

Christian peered in for a second. "Hey something smells pretty good!"

"ARRRRRR!" Damir shouts out. "Chocolate Money Cookies! C'mon me hearty and join us and help out! Arrrrr! Ar har har!"

Christian pops out and begins unpacking money from the bag as instructed by John.

"Arrrrr! Yes me hearty! Wrap 'em around the cookies! Arrrr. 'tis in the recipe! Arrrrr!" cries John with vim and vigor swinging the spoon like a sabre!

Soon the sounds of "Arrrr!" and spoons and pans clanging echo throughout the halls. This cannot be missed. Barnaby is in for the day and can't avoid this fun.

"Hey guys can I try some?" Barnaby asks as he grabs two off the tray.

His hands are smacked down by the wooden spoon of John who wields his wooden sabre with might and power.

"Back ye bastard! Dem's Bill's cookies! Chocolate Money Cookies fer Bill Gates. Cookies fer me retirement. Arrrrrrrr!"

"Arrrrrr!" Cry Damir and Christian in unison. "Help us and join in th' booty! Arrrrrr!"

Barnaby looks over. "Sure guys. What would you like me to do?"

John glances over. "Arrrrr. We be runnun' a bit low on ingredients. Can ye cover fer Damir? I'm gonna have him 'requisition' some more money fer they cookies. Arrrrr!"

So Barnaby covers for Damir. Damir heads up the hall to Mark Relph's office.

"Knock knock knock!" says Damir's hand to Mark's door.

"Yes? Come in?" Mark shouts out. He is surprisingly low tech for this blog.

Damir staggers in. "Arrrrrr! G'day me hearty. I need to requisition some money fer coo.... fer computer stuff! Arrrrrr!"

Mark looks up. "Exactly what kind of computer stuff is flavoured with sugar Damir? I can smell John's baking from Tim Horton's"

"Arrrrr!" Damir tenses to leap on the desk in true pirate style but thinks twice. "Arrr...eerrrr... uhhh.... none?!"

"That would be correct. So um... What exactly is John baking?"

"Arrrrr!" Damir cries proudly. "Arrrrr! Chocolate Money Cookies! Cookies fer Bill Gates! Arrrr!"

Mark glances at the desk then Damir, then the desk for good measure. He begins to write on nothing in general.

"Damir. Who suggested this to John? This does not sound like a 'John' thing. Could you go find out please?"

Damir bursts out the door flailing his arms screaming "Arrrrrrr! Arrrrrr!"

He returns moments later.

"Arrrrr! It was that 'Sean guys' idea! Arrrrrrrrr!" Damir screams still in a pirate frenzy.

Mark continues writing nothing. "'Sean guy'. Ah yes. Him. *cough*. In the light in this new evidence. Does it sound like a good source for a good idea?"

Damir blinks. "Well... Arrr...errrr... now that you mention it....."

"And just how many of these 'so-called' cookies were made." Mark is drumming the desk impatiently.

"Arrrr... well. " Damir begins counting trays in the air and figuring out numbers.

"Arrrrr..... I think about 473 and Barnaby ate some so...."

"...ok.... and um... Just what made them 'Money Cookies'?"

"Arrr....well... Sean said to wrap each cookie in a fifty dollar bill.... Arrrrr...."

"So you baked over four hundred cookies and at fifty dollars extra per cookie. You spent about Three thousand dollars?"

".... Arrr... aye... and I think Barnaby ate a dozen...."

"Barnaby ate six hundred dollars in cookies?" Mark is thinking and drumming now.

".... Arrr...er...yeah. Now that you put it that way, it does sound like a silly idea..."

"Good. Now can you guys get back to work please? There are more real money making things to do."

Damir walks out with his pirate hat off.

"Chocolate Money Cookies. Sean's idea. What a bunch of dummies."

Mark shakes his head and stacks some papers on his desk.

"Everybody knows Money Cookies are made from Mint."

A Funny for Rodney

Fri, 14 Dec 2007 01:58:14 GMT

Today is Rodney's birthday. The one day he is allowed to rest and relax and not answer emails, phone calls, twitters, IM's or even smile. (Not that he CAN'T but he doesn't HAVE to... :) )

On today of all days, Rick and Damir have decided to help out and give this poor schmuck a day off. Rest. Glorious Rest.

But tomorrow is Friday. Tomorrow is "Funny Fridays".

Rodney usually filters out and sorts that pile out. They need to figure out an answer to this.

"Well". Rick ponders the thought between a few sips of beer, "We could... just this once...".

Damir was busy re-writing SQL 2008. He just didn't like how some of the colours came up and wasn't quite listening. He should have been.

"Hmmmm?"

"For tomorrow, you know. Letting the Rodster have the day off and all, somebody needs to dig through that pile of... that pile of poop."

Again Damir was busy recompiling SQL 2008 and catching half the words. "Day off. Just once" were the only words he really caught-

"Mmmmm yes, good idea..."

"You think so?" Rick was quickly chugging down that beer down. "Let Sean do it by himself? Just once? I mean he has behaved lately. No fires or giant Onions launched lately."

That SQL Server 2008 really had Damir's attention. He should have been paying attention. Might have saved everybody a whole pile of trouble.

"Mmmm yes. Onions. Mmmmm. Firey onions... Mmmm... good idea."

Rick was decided on the point now. He would create a minor minor minor account and let just ONE little post unedited go in. Hey, ironically; it could be funny.

Rick hit's Mr. Trouble on twitter. He give's him the details. Then quickly shuts down all lines of communication while Sean responds in every conceivable manner. Every manner times ten. and times ten again.

Twitters
IM's
Emails
Phone Calls
Text Messages.

Good thing Damir was so engrossed with that giant electronic Squirrel. It saved him from hearing that large onslaught of messages. And potentially saved his fingers burning from the heat of the battery as the HSDPA traffic poured in.

A few minutes later, Barnaby walks in; he is worn out from a very heavy session of Guitar Hero III and it showing it. He's sweating up a storm.

He sees Rick enjoying the results of nice beer and starting on the results of a second. Apparently this inspiration is allowing him to device the Powerpoint presentations for the February launch.

"Hey Rick, how's Rod's head?" Barnaby glances as Rick is madly redesigning a new cover for what Server 2008 SHOULD look like if he was at the head of UX.

"Oh we're letting him have tomorrow off. No problem. He's doing good. Hey, you only get to celebrate your birthday once a year right?"

Barnaby nodded. Birthdays were fun. The one time your wife wasn't allowed to tell you what to do... No matter how nice she was.

"So how are dealing with tomorrows little... little... issue... you know..." Barnaby prods Rick in the side with his boot.

"Oh we're letting Sean post just once. That's all. Nothing nasty. If he posts something bananas we're just treat it like a practical joke."

Barnaby does a double take. His head does a complete spin. "You're what?"

"Letting him do one post by himself. That's all." Rick was now enjoying the brilliant thought he had.

Barnaby stops. He pauses.

He drops to the floor in an un-controllable fit of laughter. He can't stop himself.

"Ahhhh hahahahahah ... you're......'Mr. Trouble'....'Unleashed'.....hee hee hee hee...'telling John I think'..... "

Barnaby is in a case of pure hysterics. This was too much. He pauses and sits for a second. He then starts to break out again....

"Ooohhhh....hee... ho ho.... HAR! No really!"

Rick looks up. "Really. Oh come on. He can't be that bad."

Rick we thinks spoke too soon. He receives a quick message on Twitter.

ye110wbeard @ Rickster_CDN Hey Rick is the "DROP command" bad in SQL? I was trying to drop the post onto your site and...

Rick blinks. Oh crap. Oh this is bad.

Another one comes in.

ye110wbeard @ Rickster_CDN There is a backup of this CanitPro site right?

Rick sits there. Barnaby has fallen over himself at this point laughing at pointing.

"Ahhh bwah hah hah hah! You are SOOOOOO screwed."

Damir of course is so busy with recompiling HIS new version of SQL server to fit onto his Mobile 6 Pro phone he hardle notices.

Rick is now sweating up a storm. Sure there was a backup. Sure it could be replaced. But how to explain to John that in a fit of drunkeness he let an non Microsoft employee access the Community Server pages and inadvertently left admin access on. I mean the Beer part you could explain. But this is just embarrassing to his pride.

Then the phone rings. It rings again. Rick cautiously lifts it up.

It's Rod.

"So Rick, I hear you had a little 'Drop' problem."

Rodney shouldn't have known. He wasn't told. He couldn't have known.

"How did you know?" Rick stammers between panic and anger.

Rodney is now laughing uncontrollably. Cackling and howling like a madman more like.

"Who do you think told Sean to say that? After all I the Rodster invented the Funny Fridays!"

Deck the Halls ala Microsoft

Mon, 10 Dec 2007 23:01:15 GMT

Deck the halls with Cell phone ringers,
Deedle-deedle-dee, dee-ding-ding-ding
Listen to the Microsoft singers
Deedle-deedle-dee, dee-ding-ding-ding
Crank those Zunes up left and right
Deedle-dee, dingading, bong bong bong
Blasting music through the night
Deedle-deedle-dee, dee-ding-ding-ding

Homemade beer and whiskey stills
Deedle-deedle-dee, dee-ding-ding-ding
Watch the staff all get their fills
Deedle-deedle-dee, dee-ding-ding-ding
Staggering down the hall so merry
Deedle-dee, dingading, bong bong bong
See how many beers they carry
Deedle-deedle-dee, dee-ding-ding-ding (*Crash oops!*)

Email Bill Gates from the staff
Deedle-deedle-dee, dee-ding-ding-ding
Spam him now just for a laugh
Deedle-deedle-dee, dee-ding-ding-ding
Trapped by Frontbridge, silly fools
Deedle-dee, dingading, bong bong bong
Now their cleaning Bill Gates' pools
Deedle-deedle-dee, dee-ding-ding-ding

12 days of Microsoft Christmas

Sat, 08 Dec 2007 04:57:50 GMT

'
On the first day of Christmas Steve Ballmer Gave to me
A signed copy of Visual Studio

On the second day of Christmas Steve Ballmer Gave to me
Two boxes of Chiclets
And a signed copy of Visual Studio

On the third day of Christmas Steve Ballmer Gave to me
Three bags of Fritos
Two boxes of Chiclets
And a signed copy of Visual Studio

On the fourth day of Christmas Steve Ballmer Gave to me
Four Funny Fridays
Three bags of Fritos
Two boxes of Chiclets
And a signed copy of Visual Studio

On the Fifth day of Christmas Steve Ballmer Gave to me
Five CANS OF JOLT
Four Funny Fridays
Three bags of Fritos
Two boxes of Chiclets
And a signed copy of Visual Studio

On the Sixth day of Christmas Steve Ballmer Gave to me
Six Hackers Hacking
Five CANS OF JOLT
Four Funny Fridays
Three bags of Fritos
Two boxes of Chiclets
And a signed copy of Visual Studio

On the Seventh day of Christmas Steve Ballmer Gave to me
Seven IT Pros
Six Hackers Hacking
Five CANS OF JOLT
Four Funny Fridays
Three bags of Fritos
Two boxes of Chiclets
And a signed copy of Visual Studio

On the Eighth day of Christmas Steve Ballmer Gave to me
Eight coders coding
Seven IT Pros
Six Hackers Hacking
Five CANS OF JOLT
Four Funny Fridays
Three bags of Fritos
Two boxes of Chiclets
And a signed copy of Visual Studio

On the Ninth day of Christmas Steve Ballmer Gave to me
Nine Bags of Ram
Eight coders coding
Seven IT Pros
Six Hackers Hacking
Five CANS OF JOLT
Four Funny Fridays
Three bags of Fritos
Two boxes of Chiclets
And a signed copy of Visual Studio

On the Tenth day of Christmas Steve Ballmer Gave to me
Ten Hot recruiters
Nine Bags of Ram
Eight coders coding
Seven IT Pros
Six Hackers Hacking
Five CANS OF JOLT
Four Funny Fridays
Three bags of Fritos
Two boxes of Chiclets
And a signed copy of Visual Studio

On the Eleventh day of Christmas Steve Ballmer Gave to me
Eleven Drives a trashing
Ten Hot recruiters
Nine Bags of Ram
Eight coders coding
Seven IT Pros
Six Hackers Hacking
Five CANS OF JOLT
Four Funny Fridays
Three bags of Fritos
Two boxes of Chiclets
And a signed copy of Visual Studio

On the Twelth day of Christmas Steve Ballmer Gave to me
Twelve SQL Servers
Eleven Drives a trashing
Ten Hot recruiters
Nine Bags of Ram
Eight coders coding
Seven IT Pros
Six Hackers Hacking
Five CANS OF JOLT
Four Funny Fridays
Three bags of Fritos
Two boxes of Chiclets
And a signed copy of Visual Studio

Unified Communications Launch - Silly Version

Wed, 05 Dec 2007 02:10:05 GMT

Well the Journey has been a long one, the anticipation unbelievable. But it has finally come to an end.

I stand within the confines of the Unified Communications Launch Tour from Microsoft. I see various camps of troops taking up positions from about the breakfast area.

Possibly they are looking for potential clients or customers, but most likely they are looking for stragglers from the crowd, those that were too weak to manage to make it to the breakfast tables. I see the corner I am nearby in the troops from Nortel fully loaded up with some old handsets ready to take down any passerby. Telus has gotten creative and put together a few bear pit traps. They have laid out danishes and free coffee nearby. A few have already fallen into this pit of despair.

We can only pray for them.

Bell is in the opposite corner with a fully armed laser trained on ANYBODY trying to get out of the standard cellular contract. There are some here in disguise to avoid this. This should not be a huge issue as the "big three" have ganged up to make sure nobody from Roger's is here. I found the remnants of a few shredded ripped red shirts outside. I would suspect that has something to do with it.

But we will never know the truth will we?

I enter the room. A bad disco. I must be because I see Microsoft staff getting "jiggy" all over the place. I think they got into the cocktails a little too early.

A few minutes the keynote starts. The omnipresent voice of Damir echoes throughout the room.

"Sit down and quit playing! Anybody with a cell phone on will have it taken away and handed off to Rick. Now you will all get 'happy' or else! There's a few 'friends' of mine from Redmond about get on the stage. Now you WILL give them great respect and applause when the signs come on. We won't explain the 'or else' part.

The omnipresent head from the glowing screens stares down the crowd. Make shake and quiver in terror. The head has spoken. All praise 'the head'.

The three tenors appear on stage. They must be tenors and not programmers. For as soon as they appeared on stage one of them broke out into a large chorus of 'Danny Boy' on his cell phone. He tried to get the other two to join in via Office Communicator 2007 but they were just too darn busy trying to find Bill Gates phone number in the contact list. Something about a 'raise'. I think that seemed to their plan.

They did manage to trace that 'Big Giant Head' Damir as he was slipping out to the back to raid the last of the food left on the breakfast tables...

They really have to feed these guys.

A few people scampered off to find the one bathroom. There must have been something in the coffee this morning as hundreds pour in to use the one toilet that was working and available.

Returning the 'Big Giant Head' forces everybody to 'donate' their hardware to help show how to really put the Office Communicator online. Unfortunately he does not decide to give any of it back.

Soon that 'Irish tenor' shows back up and begins gargling several bottles of water. It was odd how nobody ELSE could find any water either. And soon. He does the unthinkable.

He brings out 'The Big Scary Slide'

A panic breaks out throughout the audience; shrieks occur, security guards faint as the slide glows and grows. Ambulances are called to clear up the fray.

Further details and 'blah blah blah' about Active Directory this and Exchange that occur. It should be impressive but for some odd reason he suggested everybody take the evaluation copy of the software and implement it IMMEDIATELY on Monday morning.

"Screw the backup and use the force me laddies! Have a blast with it!"

His partner pops back up on stage and decides show the audience how to REALLY screw up the servers even if 'Mr. Murphy's law' didn't take out the network already. He decides to show everybody how to monitor what you boss is doing and how to ensure he can be disturbed EVEN while on the toilet. Many IT pros snicker at this. But isn't that what Office Communicator 2007 was all about? Presence?

Don't know why anybody really had a problem with what he was doing. I mean that WAS the point of the product.

Soon they announced the "L" word (quietly to control the crowds) but it didn't work. The beating drums sounded as the crowds yelled out "Give us Food! Give us Food!". Many smaller camps broke out throughout the conference, some smaller camps broke out and fires to cook were created.

After the lunch crowd diminished and the fires were put out. Damir tried to get the crowd to dim down but the shouting and screaming was uncontrollable. At one point a certain 'Funny Fridays Guy' was tazered to keep him under control for at least a FEW minutes.

Then Damir said the "B" word (Booze) and more hooting and uncontrollable hollering broke out. Further batches of tazer loaded guards were brought.

Voip came on the stage. And it was good. The good Ali came up to tease and dangle in front of the audience all of these really cool toys singing "Nah nah nah nah nah. You can't have this! Mine mine mine!"

As the Communicator phones were demoed a truth was discovered about Scott's mom. Evil. She was evil. To call up her name all you had to do was type '666'. This was a TRULY disturbing thought to the audience. Why would anybody assign '666' to their mother.... Sheeesh!

As so the barrage continued on and on... more details about "fancy schmancy" doodads. Things that did amazing things with 'clouds' and 'messaging'.

And then they finally did it.

They dragged it out.

That jacked up web cam.

Round table.

Oh SURE, it pulled the entire conference table into a useful format, kept conversation organized the way it needed to be. Kept a live meeting across multiple locations into a feel that it was one single room.

But how good was it on Xbox360? I mean sure. Hide THAT lack of feature.

Then they mentioned the "B" word again. The three tenors and Damir, knowing of the crowd locked them all off while did a quiet "sampling of the fare" first. When the crowds finally broke through the barrier of old Millenium CD's; it was all gone. Eaten. Devoured. Bottles of Canadian and Whiskey lay all over the place with Three Presenters and a Damir snoozing on a table of cheese plates...

Tch tch tch.... For Shame..

The Night Before Christmas ala Microsoft Canadian IT Professionals

Wed, 28 Nov 2007 03:35:36 GMT

With all credit handed to the original by Clarke Moore

'Twas the night before Christmas, In Redmond's back yard
Not a creature was awake, Not even a guard
The staff was all sleeping, Deep through that night,
In hopes that Steve Ballmer, Would not give them a fright,

The head of security was about to go snooze,
As a result of a night of some heavy old booze,

And I at my PC with one gross of CDs
Had just gotten ready to burn MP3's

When up on the ceiling I heard a great noise
I wondered what idiot, broke out the toys
I flipped on the cam to see out of there
Shot out of my office and right up the stairs

The light of the moon and the snow on the roof
Showed to my eyes some geeky old goof
When what should I see this cold frosty night
Were some frosty geeks, oh what a sight!

The driver of that sleigh, with geeks on a spree
That man was Bill Gates, dancing with glee
More rapid than Xeons his minions they flew
He screeched and he squealed and yelled at that zoo

“Hey Ricky, Damir, Barnaby and Rod,
Now Ruthy and Kerri and John move this clod!
To the bottom of the switches and the top of the stack
Let us pour out now and keep up the slack!”

Such joy and such power, they pulled that old plow
64 bit powerhouses Quad Processing now

And out to the children of those that did plead
Those digital angels would carry great deed
And then on the Roundtable that camera so clear
I saw a sight that made me feel dear

As I gazed on that view screen I felt myself shout
Was Bill Gates and his team, helping some out
Dressed in their clothes all cherry and white
They flew to the world and out to the night

To the needy and hungry food did they bring
The joy that they brought made them all sing
Their eyes they did shine, and faces did glow
In the light of that glistening wintery snow

They went straight to work and danced and they did
Giving presents and joy to many a kid
Helping out homeless and those on the street
and any underprivileged that they did meet

Their faces lit up full of power and spite
against the hunger that burned in the night
Sorrow and neglect and poverty would die
If they could help it damn they would try

On a night of such peace a night of such wonder
They flew out to the world and burst with great thunder
Many were warmer, many did smile
the world is was better, at least for a while

Goodwill and good cheer, if it only could be
This day all year round, that they did plea
They flew to the world all that great night
And gave of themselves, oh what a sight

They cried out to the world and to all that would hear
"Seasons Greetings to all, and Happy New Year"

Sean

Data Security Tools for IT Professionals - Poor Damir is left to the dogs

Fri, 23 Nov 2007 04:56:06 GMT

A simple and quiet night. That's all he asked for.

"It'll be a breeze" Rodney said "Everything's ready and I'm off to Ottawa."

Famous last words. Yep famous last words.

He wandered in. Material all prepped. "EFS, Bitlocker, Group Policy, demos". All loaded up and ready to go. He glanced. MVP's to the left, Linux users to the right. Surrounded on both flanks.

He glanced out the Window. Some idiot with a Geo Tracker was pulling donuts in the parking lot. Have to speak to security about that later. And then he realized that the idiot was... "Mr. Trouble"

He quickly messaged security to beef up and hide the coffee. Damn he was going to get home tonight at a decent hour.

The audience filled out and the auditorium began the fill with the chatter of many computer people. Remainders of Sector hung near the back. Easier to slip out. Of course more trouble could occur near the back.

Damir slips into the podium laptop loaded and begins.

"Hi I'm Damir Bersinic, and please don't anybody email my address on the screen. My data plan is already over limit this month."

And with that he began. Poor beleaguered members of WWITPRO were chained and shackled to the front of the stage.

"Hi we're from Waterloo Wellington and..."

*Bzzzzt*

A buzzer went off and a large hook yanked the poor fellows into a small room off to the side. Seems they hit their 28 second limit already. Too bad as they were most likely to be used as tomorrow's cafeteria food. Poor fellows.

And so Damir took over again, going into EFS and recovery keys.

The presentation on screen was flowing nicely until he spake those fateful words.

"....and I have free t-shirts for anybody who has a question to ask...."

Worst thing he could have ever done. Offer swag.

Suddenly questions came out left right and center. Some intelligent. Some downright stupid. Some un-related to the topic at hand.

And then when it died down, all the questions stopped asking. The answers began muddling in his head. They began to come out in a giant slur...

"... File.... Encrypted.... Not porn...On Tuesday.... Bitlocker the Novell database...Active Directory...Chickens.... No... Maybe.... Compress....Rick's Hat... Giant Onions....."

It was making about as much sense as a Funny Friday song.

He was still ok until that one fateful question popped up.

A hand raised.

"Yes." his hands shaking as he awaited the response.

"Shouldn't we encrypt the SQL databases to enhance security and dump it all on a Bitlocked hard drive?"

*POP*

A blood vessel flew off his head. Calmly. Slowly. Purposefully. He walked over. He stared at the participant.

"Excuse me?"

"Well if security is important shouldn't we encrypt the SQL databases to enhance security and dump it all on a Bitlocked hard drive? It would really lock down the data."

Damir grabbed him by his memory key. "Listen and LISTEN WELL... and REPEAT after ME!"

The participant quaked in his shoes.

Like the Green Giant Damir boomed out. "You will never Never NEVER EVER EVER EVER ENCRYPT THE SQL DATABASE!!!!"

The user gasped in terror.

Damir stared with the power of a thousand cobras. "ALL of you! Repeat! NOW!!!!!"

"We will never Never NEVER EVER EVER EVER ENCRYPT THE SQL DATABASE!!!"

"Except if Damir is not looking." piped up a little voice.

He glanced, what creature dare....

*HIM*

Mr. Trouble sat there scratching his ears. Whistling innocently. Then seeing Damir he scampered off down a side hall. Off to encrypt files. That would please Damir.

Another vein popped.

Daniel of the LazyAdmin looked on. "I think he got into the coffee again."

Damir looked at Sim. "YOU! YOU WERE WARNED OF THIS ONE!"

Sim looked at the coffee pots. Checked each one chemically. All decaffeinated. No sugar anywhere.

"Must have hit Tim Hortons first." Damir pulled out his organizer. Marked in a calendar appointment.

"Tomorrow AM. Blow up Tim Hortons."

The meeting continued on. Damir took out his frustrations by hitting users over the head with t-shirts until he ran out. There were a few arguments amongst users about the best way to break into the laptop. It was finally agreed to just simply hit it with a hammer.

And then of course the draw finally happened. The winner of the Xbox360 came up to claim his prize.

He looked up at Damir and Sim.

"This feels a little light." the participant nervously stated.

Damir grinned mischievously. "You won the X Box - the box for the game. Not the actual machine..."

Strange how his laptop bag was a little fatter that night... :)

Getting that Funny Friday guy to work...

Fri, 23 Nov 2007 04:00:01 GMT

There is a tapping on the desk. Grumbling and thumping. Rodney looks at the Inbox.

"Funny Fridays folder. One item left. Going to have to crack down on this fellow."

Rodney whips out his Mobile 6 phone, quickly messaging out.

----------------------

TO: Sean Kearney

SUBJECT: Funny Fridays

Ahem.

I have been patiently awaiting more content. Please hurry up before I send "The boys" after you.

Mr. Shoes of Fire

------------------------

"There" he sits down quietly. "That should take care of that. Whine and complain about swag but when it comes time to work..."

And then he glances. The folder counts begins to increase.

10, 50, 120...

"Oh no! NOT AGAIN!"

Rodney quickly hits his Frontbridge settings and blacklists the address.

"Not explaining THIS to John again."

In a huff he hops into his Volvo and buzzes Damir.

"Damir, Rodney here. Would you like to assist me in a little operation?"

Damir thinks to himself. Cold night, snow everywhere, roads suck.

"Does it involve effort?"

"Nope, but it could involve exacting a little revenge on a certain 'Funny Fridays' guy. He's been a little lapse on his submissions."

Visions of jibjab.com pass before Damir's eye.

"Ok I'm game, let's go. I'm on my Third Rockstar tonight anyhow. I was encrypting an exabyte sized volume with Bitlocker for fun."

They pair up in Rodney's car and tear off down the Road. LZYADMIN gleaming in the moonlight. A night of caffeine crazed nuttiness.

They arrive near the cave of "Mr. Trouble" aka "Funny Fridays guy". In is in the deepest darkest ghettos of Canada. There is nothing here but barren life and dead rusting Mercedes diesels. They quickly put on all of their "Dark coloured Microsoft clothes" slip on black toques; and of course cover their faces with "Fake glasses and moustaches" to conceil their identity.

They creep towards the entrance. Sounds of Guitar Hero III slip out the entrance.

"No wonder. Lazy bugger!" Rodney mutters.

They turn about, open the trunk of the Volvo. They find some old "Microsoft Banners" from a previous tour and old Lan cables.

Damir grins. "That'll do it."

They slip inside with the banners, Lan cable and a pair of Dead Xboxes. They move behind him. He is in the midst of a large Guitar Hero III solo when...

*WHAM*

*KLUNK*

They glance at each other and grin. "Got 'im!"

They quickly wrap up the troublemaker. Up the stairs and into the trunk of the Volvo. The whisk off into the night...

Mr. Trouble awakens. Chained to a keyboard, tied to a chair. He is locked in a dark basement of Microsoft.

Rodney looms over him.

"Now get FUNNY!" he snarls into the night and laughs out maniacally. He dances about like a madman with live 120 volt wires arcing into the night.

Damir and Rick gloat away clinking glasses.

"Thought we forgot about jibjab.com did you?"

Mr. Trouble stares at the screen....

Good grief. This was going to be a long night Charlie Brown.

The Great Poutine Revolt of '05

Sun, 14 Oct 2007 15:39:44 GMT

And so we see a nice normal day here at Microsoft. Quiet and polite little line ups in s a typically quite and polite Canadian Cafeteria.

Our hero comes up to the line. It is lunch time in Canada. And only one thing goes down well with a Timmie's Coffee. A hot steaming gooey sticky bowl of Poutine.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.........................

"One Poutine Please.". The anticipation of the desired Canadian treat sits on the tip of the tongue. Poutine. It's almost a dirty word (Well half of it at least) but BOY does it taste GOOD. Heart attack or not. A Poutine is worth it. Especially coated in 3 kinds of cheese curds and two gravies... Droooooool.

"We have no Poutine today sir." the attendant responds in a non melodic and almost robotic fashion.

"Hmmm? Out? That's odd."

"No. No Poutine. It's done. Over. Unhealthy. Corporate office has dictated healthy only. Have a carrot."

"Try again?"

"No more poutine. Are you not listening? It's been mandated as unhealthy. How about a nice piece of celery?"

"Ok now this has gone too far. You took away the Tim Horton's from inside. You said that was a 'mixed message' to our American visitors. You took away wearing Toques on funny hat day because it was declared as an unconstitutional wrong enforcement on Non-Canadian staff. Heck, you even stopped 'Beer for Breakfast'."

Pause. Heavy exasperated breathing. Sweating. Turning into the "HULK".

"You will NOT take away our Poutine. Give me Poutine or Give Me Death!"

"Umm sir, I think if I gave you poutine it would give you death. That's the point." snarked back the unwilling cashier.

"That's MY choice! I've had it! I'm getting angry. You don't want angry. You've never seen a Canadian angry. You will dread this!"

He bursts into the hall.

"REVOLT! REVOLT! THEY'VE TAKEN AWAY POUTINE! THEY'VE TAKEN AWAY POUTINE!"

Crowds build about the hero. A small and growing throng is building.

"What? No poutine? Say it isn't so!"

"Those evil overlords! We will take it to the people!"

"Poutine forever! Poutine forever! It's in the Canadian Constitution."

"Oh Canada, Our Home and Poutine Land. Why it's even in the National Anthem!"

"More Brains... More brains...."

the Crowd in building and growing. The halls are filling. Every office is emptying. The normally smiling Rodney is shaking his shoes in the air!

"I will smite them down if I do not get my Poutine! I need it after a long day of playing xBox360!"

Rick is so angry he throws Rodney's phone on the ground in disgust. "They can't do this!"

Ruth shoves poor Damir into the throng. "Give this poor guy some poutine! Give us Poutine now!"

The floors and the walls are shaking. CD's are being thrown everywhere. The cafeteria doors are shaking.

The great Poutine Sit in begins.

For three long months it went on and dragged on. There were no events. No happy users. Developers even sat down and decided to be non-creative.

Time went on. Finally it echoed up through the ranks. Poutine must be served. They're going to die no matter what. Let them die happy.

And so a wise word was passed from above. A balanced equation. A new day was created to bring about a focused "Poutine attack". The all new "Poutine Day" was born. Throngs of happy revelers danced and sang. Poutine was worn as hats. Poutine jugglers were there. Poutine dunking contests were formed. There was even "PoutineBall" a variant on paintball with large bowls of Poutine. There was Poutine Pie, Poutine shakes from thick Gravy. Why there was even Poutine Jello, although for some reason, nobody wanted it.

And so once a month, the crowds in Microsoft Canada gather to pay homage to the revolutionaries. The remember that day with Poutine in all it's glory.

Can you imagine what would have happened it they shut down the Tim Horton's next to the Mississauga office? But we won't speak of that.

Wanted Alive - the Blackberry Killers

Sat, 01 Sep 2007 01:52:42 GMT

The Prankster

Wed, 22 Aug 2007 12:07:59 GMT

Friday.

The sun is shining, the birds and chirping, the squirrels are... well doing what squirrels do.

and the Microsoft guys are "softing". (fine fine fine, there is no actual TERM as per say but)

We see Grand Lord President Phil of Microsoft Canada sitting at his desk. It is a quiet day, a day in the summer when like all people he must work. He calls his excellent assistant for a moment.

"Oh Excellent Assistant", our dear friend calls out; "Would you fetch me a refreshing beverage at your convenience?"

Lord Phil is a kind fellow who would not hurt or insult a fly. Well maybe, but not today... ;)

The assistant type person returns with a choice beverage. Nods and returns to duties not previously aforementioned since it is not really our business what an assistant to a President should or should not do.

Lord Phil reaches for his cup when, it ... appears... to be ... not... er....THERE.

He blinks. He Blinks twice. He blinks again to make sure he actually blinked properly.

The cup is not there.

And so the intercom button is pressed. *BZZZZZT*

"Is there a chance dear friend you could grab me another refreshing beverage?"

The kind assistant never to be one to question things heads over the the "Refresh-O-Matic" and heads back

"Here you go sir... Enjoy."

"Thank you kindly." Good Phil responds. He reaches for the cup to pick it up and....

Nothing.

There goes that blinking again.

He tries again. Nothing. His hand passes right through it.

Odd.

He does a complete double take as the entire cup completely vanishes.

He faints.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sitting in a back room is a slightly bald man with a large evil grin ripping across his face. A Large and mighty control panel system is laid out before him.

It is Damir.

The door opens and Rick walks in. "Hey Damir, what's the good word?"

"Oh this new virtualizer" is BEYOND amazing.

Rick looks at him, "Damir both you and I know Virtualization has been out for quite a while..."

Damir blinks like a little kid on 3 coffees. "No no no no, you don't get it, this doesn't just virtualize software or PCs, it virtualizes everything! I've been trying it about on the office."

Rick's eyes light up. "Everything?! COOL!" He grabs a seat and scoots over. "Ok how does this thing work!"

Damir shows him the controls. "Ok actually the technology behind all this is hard to explain, even for me but it doesn't matter. It just works cool! Here's the Wacom tablet, it links to any number of security cameras. It requires an initial visual to get the object. Draw a ring about the object in question. And then press the big green button "VIRTUALIZE".

Rick looks over, Sure enough there was a big powerful green button marked "VIRTUALIZE".

He looks over, "So what have you done with it so far?"

"Ok ok... this is so cool. I've virtualized the security desk. The Guard still doesn't understand why his coffee keeps dropping straight to the ground. There's a few chairs in the cafeteria. I'm still waiting for the results on when people go to sit down. I've virtualized your new phone..."

"WHAT?! You !$##$ THAT explains why I couldn't pick it up! But anything you say?"

"Sure! Just sit down and go at it!"

Rick sits down at the controls. He scans various security cameras in the area. He sees one that picks up his interest.

"Hey Damir, isn't that Rodney's new car?" the eyebrows on Rick twitch in anticipation.

"Hmmm. Why yes, yes it is. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

Rick stopped thinking and immediately went to work. Zoom... Circle... Click.

"Uhh Damir it didn't appear to do ANYTHING."

"Well this is the Alpha release. So flashy effects haven't been added or implemented yet. But the process is so fast that is just doesn't matter."

For confirmation they look and see a cheerful fell walking towards his new Volvo. He smiles proudly at his new toy. He reaches for the keys, goes to put them in the door.

*WHOOSH*

He falls into his own "car".

He picks himself up brushes off. Looks at it. Must be a Tuesday. Never could figure out Tuesdays...

He tries again.

*NOTHING*

Rick and Damir and just sitting there watching at this point with a bowl of popcorn.

"My CAR!" Rodney cries out "What HAPPENED TO MY CAR?!"

And then a sudden realization. Who would have done this. Only two people he could think of.

"Rick and Damir, those bastards!"

He begins to turn in a huff and head towards the building to find his problem and eliminate it.

"Oh crap, he's figured it out!" mumbles Damir

"What shall we do? We can't hide from Rodney forever."

"Nuts!" Damir sits resigned to his fate.

"Wait, didn't you say it would virtualize anything?"

"Well yes but I haven't tried yet. It would be inhumane to try it out."

"Ah." Rick responds, "But is it more or less worse than being caught by John, Phil and Mark."

and before Damir could answer. Circle....Zoom... "VIRTUALIZE"

Rodney appeared to be frozen.

"Great you've killed him! RUN"

They scramble off like cockroaches, let your imagination do the rest.

------------------------------------

Rodney blinks. He's standing inside a room. There's his car, unscathed, a small selection of cafeteria chairs and oddly enough the reception desk from Mississauga.

"Where the *Bleep* am I?" he yells out.

He looks over to see two other figures sitting on chairs. It's William Shatner and Patrick Stewart, ala Star Trek fame.

"Oh thank God somebody else is here. We started doing to the 'Kirk vs Picard' debate and almost got into a fist fight, I of course would have won..." States Shatner.

"But where is *HERE*?" Rodney cries out.

"Oh that's the simple bit," says Stewart. "Paramount Studios, California, Lot B, Storage Locker G. Security should be here in a few days. It appears your Mr. Gates picked up the old transporter set from the 60's and the Hologram technology from the current series on eBay. I'm guessing this stuff actually works. I was sitting in my room reading a book when *BLINK* I'm sitting here with Fatso."

"I resemble that remark. But at least every so often we seem to get a free soda out of nowhere."

Rodney blinks. Well free soda and his car was ok.

Could be worse.

He could be in Rick and Damir's shoes.

Microsoft MVPs

Fri, 10 Aug 2007 03:03:52 GMT

Sung to "Secret Agent Man" Circa cool '60s spy show

When the servers crashin' in the night
Sparks are flyin' such an awful sight
Data can't be found and the problems all around
Who's the ones that bring you so much light

Their the MVPs, Microsoft MVPs
Why bother with the rest, they are the very best

Hackers tryin' to blow in through your door
Smoke is rollin' up below the floor
The day feels at and end, where's you only friend?
The experts blink and clear it all away

Their the MVPs, Microsoft MVPs
When you get that server crash, they solve it in flash

Bill Gates files are scrambled through and through
Steve Ballmer cries out "What can we all do?"
Paul Allen's had enough, even though they're very tough
Who will they call to knock it all away?

Their the MVPs, Microsoft MVPs
Nightmares run away, they're here to save the day...

The Fine Adventures of the Great Lord John Oxley and the Knights of the Dodecahedron Table!

Thu, 02 Aug 2007 19:26:06 GMT

Ah yes 'tis the ancient times of Lords and Ladies. Of Chivalry. Of Great quests by Great Men to do Great things. All done

in a Great way of course.

And cast ye eyes o Merry men upon the Greatest of Castles, within the glorious Kingdom of Mycrosawft! Tis the castle of the

Great King John Oxley. Leader of the Mightiest of teams amongst the Canadeeyans.

And so we entereth to the hallway, and looketh upon the throne. Upon it sights the Mighty King John. He gazes upon his

team as they prepare for more glorious adventures and quests and such.

"Hail all!" Cries the mighty King John. "I see thee art all doing well!"

In the corner we see the trilogy of three, Lord Rick of the Tilleys, Lord Rodney of the Flames and Lord Damir of the Holy

Halls of Knowledge.

"Hail thee King John!" They hold their large flasks of meed in unison.

We see sitting on the other side, Lady Ruth the Animal Guardian and Lady Kerri the Demon runner. They say she is fast

enough to outrun the Devil itself.

"Hail thee King John of the Geeks!" They cry as one.

King John looks. There is somebody missingest within the fair realm.

"Hey John Check this out!" Barnaby yells out. "I've got this new Nikon D9600 with 120 Megapixels, Bluetooth, Fibreoptic, 1

terabyte of storage, Zoom lens, Flicker live connection..."

"Barnaby!" King John cries out. "Stoppeth now!"

Barnaby looks very confused. "Huh?"

Good King John pulls out his staff and bops Barnaby over the head *BONK*

"Sir Barnaby! Thy art out of costume and character! The magic thy speakest of hath not been invented yet! And thy English

is too correct."

King John grabs the demon device and tosses it to Lord Rick. "Destroyeth this piece of demonic magic before it goes looseth

on the land!"

Barnaby stands there shocked, gasping for a hold on the moment. "Er...John just what are you talking..."

King John gives him another bonk *BONK*. "Speaketh in character O Goodly Lord."

Barnaby now whoozey after several bonks is quite willing to play the game. "Uh... sure... kingeth... goodeth... owwweth!

Mine head hurteth badly!"

Ahhh peace is restored. King John sits happily upon the throne. Ignoring the very obvious play on words that it was.

Poor Lord Barnaby is numb with pain. He winces as Lord Rick smashes the demon apart with the butt of his foot in glee.

"Die Electric Demon! Die Die Die! Feel my wrath!" Lord Rick shouts with joy. Some electric daemons should be crushed under

foot.

King John hands Lord Barnaby his sword. "There, thouest is now within character! Join us in Song good sir!"

Sir Rodney grabs his badly beaten string beast. He begins the song.

(Sung to Greensleeves)

What hath I done to be punished me
in the land of no technology
No bits no bytes no pieces of ram
in the dreaded dreaded land

Save us O John Oxley
From this land this land of Misery
Let let us let us fight
to be enabled and see the light.

King John looks as Sir Rodney. "I could '*bonk*' for that you know."

"True." King John, the musical Rodney states "But nobody else would sing for you then. And my songeths amuse thee."

"It is true Young one, but more of thy insolence and a Bonking will begin!"

At that point the Great Lord Damir steps forward. "King John...."

"Yes O most trusted of Lords?" King John listens with wise thoughts rolling.

"The Lord Rodney is not truly alone. My bookeths and writings take up three castles. I have heard the great wizards of

Mycrowsawft have developed magic that can holdest my data in tiny boxes."

King John pauses "Magic such as that is powerful indeed. But I sense it may contain Daemons!"

"No Good King John. That would be within the evil tribes of UNICKS and LINICKS as well as the MacinLords. There are no

Daemons from our magicians."

"And whateth do they call this 'Magic' you speaketh of good Damir?"

"It is a 'kompewter servar running SEEK WELL TOO THOWZAND AYT'. I know these words seem foreign to me as well but the magic

is good and powerful."

"Tis True!" Lady Kerri steps up. "You could your many battle plans against the the MacinLords on it. And if thy plans were

damaged by Meed, it could be stepped back!"

"Hmmm. Battle plans protected and Meed proof...."

"...and I could store the many painting I have made of the little creatures that fair the land..." offers Lady Ruth. "They

twould no longer take up entire castles as well..."

"Ahh......" King John is thinking what he could do with all this extra 'Castle Space'."

"And I could store all my flicker pictures... err...err.. I couldest cleaneth up and storeth my many thingest too..." Lord

Barnaby offers.

"Space to put things in ... Hmmmm.... " King John is imagining the new magic he heard of called 'WYD SKREAN' filling some of

that waysted spayce. He begins to droool.

Lord Rick is not impressed. He has not had any luck with Electronic Daemons as of late. But he will go with the crowd.

"Yay verily good Lords and Ladies. We will speak to the magicians!" a large hurrah was offered by all as they also ate Sir Rodney's Minstrels. (Sorry Monty Python!)

And so the kwest began as they marched galloped hiccupped *Don't forget the previous Meed session* towards the hallowed halls of the "Magicians of Redmund".

Sir Rodney offers "Does this mean we get to play 'Guitar Hero II'?"

*BONK* *BONK* *BONK*

He was of course of out of character with that statement.

They continue.

"Can I get a new Mobile 6 phone when we reach the Wizard?" Asks Lord Rick.

*BONK* *BONK* and *DOUBLE BONK*

Out of character and wrong story!

The travels wear on slowly until.

In Unison....

*MYCROWSAWFT!*

Mycrowsawft!

"Mycrowsawt!"

"It's only a model.." offers Barnaby...

*BONK**BONK**BONK**BONK**BONK**BONK*

And with great speed and efficiency Great King John of the Oxleys saves the team from a badly choreographed song and dance routine.

And so they enter the halls of the "Grayt Magicians"

the Great magicians of the courts Gayts Bawlmer and Allan look down. "Why have you entered out great and powerful halls!" (Echo echo echo echo echo echo)

"Oh great Magicians of MyCrowSawft!" King John Cries out "We see the magik that is SEEK WELL"

*BBOOOOMM* "This magik is still in testing. It is not safe for mere mortals! You shalt not touch it until the year 2008 in the Grayt month of February! Nein! It is not for you."

"Could we have a Beta?" Lord Damir asks? "Just one little...."

Lightening flys out from the fingers of the Ballmer. ***NO***. You young ones will wait. But we will offer you this in the meantime.. Open it when home.

So King Oxley, the Lords and Ladies return to the castle.

They open the package...

They look and see the magic box, covered in Red and Silver. They read the words of Magic.

"ETCH A SKETCH"

"So this means no Xbox360 tournament tonight?" Offers up Lord Damir.

*BONK**BONK**BONK**BONK**BONK**BONK**BONK**BONK**BONK**BONK**BONK**BONK**BONK*

Mr Trouble goes to Washington

Wed, 01 Aug 2007 01:28:55 GMT

Well it's about TIME. The fine team of Microsoft Canada is sent all together at ONCE to an all expenses paid, all the poutine you can EAT, Junket at Redmond Washington.

Four full days (excluding plane ride!) of Seminars, and cool new products, Xbox360 tournaments and a little WELL WELL earned Rest and Relaxation!

Oh and it's a special day today! Greeting them at the gates of the hallowed halls of Redmond; are the one and ONLY Microsoft Trio! That's right! Balmer, Gates and Allen! How much cooler and geekier can you get?!

"Hi everybody I'm Steve Ballmer, CEO of Microsoft. Welcome to the Holy Land! I will be your guide into some of the most cutting edge technology THIS century! YEEEEEEEHAAAAAAA!!!!!"

"I'm Bill Gates! I'm still richer than sin and I'm still a nice guy. I'll take you into my ludicrous fantasy life where I spend my time doing good to the world with my beautiful wife Melinda. I'm sort of a modern day super man without all the good press!"

"And I'm Paul Allen! The guy everybody forgot about and just as smart as Bill and Steve! I'll be doing something impressive that nobody will expect..."

The entire team from Mississauga stands in awe. They are standing security guard free, shaking hands with the true computer Gods!

They all set their bags down in the midst of the Redmond hall. A gasp. A sigh. Wow! I mean they've all BEEN there before. But to be in the present of these movers and shakers of industry is almost untouchble.

But....

Steve Ballmer looks at the ground. "Well who brought this little fella?"

He of course is looking at Mr. Trouble who has gone to the GREAT difficult of squeezing into somebody's suitcase. Just to see "THEM". The Gods. The Holy men of Microsoft. I mean wouldn't you go these efforts just to say "Thanks guys, your life changed me for the better?"

Well he did.

Mr. Trouble is sitting there, on all fours. Panting away and scratching at his ears. He is holding up a "Bob" CD.

Mr Balmer looks at it with disdain. "Oh, who gave him THIS to chew on... I thought we destroyed the last of these."

Mr. Trouble stands there on hind legs, howling to the world.

Rick from CanitPro team steps up. "Er uh... Steve, Mr. Ballmer sir? I think you hurt it's... his ... feelings. He actually liked 'Bob'. He understood it had flaws but it to him, was like a forgotten child of Microsoft."

Mr. Ballmer glances over at the Bill Guy and Mr. Allen. People poked fun at some of their earlier work. This guy was ... a... fan?

Damir pipes up. "Oh yeah, he seems to be a fanatic in general. We tried to control him in Canada but.. uh... well... there were issues."

Many of the team nod in agreement. Roasting's and blazing's and songs oh my. Damn the Addams family.

The Bill Guy looks over. This half hairless creature is running about in circles. "And what exactly does it want?"

Kerri pipes up "To work for Microsoft, that's it. It .. he... doesn't care in what fashion. He's even willing to sweep curbs! Although we haven't forgotten those incidents in Mississauga!"

Paul Allen looks over. "Incidents?"

"Oh good grief. Have you ever seen a squirrel on coffee, like in the movie 'Hoodwinked'?" Rodney perks up.

Bill glances. "Uh... yeah... actually I did. Fun movie too."

"Well this fellow, out of the kindness of our hearts, we brought to meet us. We allowed him to post his silly things on the website. Gave him a 'Funny Friday'. Thought that could focus him. Then he broke loose in Mississauga." Barnaby shook his head.

Ballmer stood aghast. "You don?t have security?!"

John's turn. "Sir. Security can deal with many knowns and unknowns, it could not be prepared for the full uncontrolled, unparalleled enthusiasm this thing contains. We finally let it sweep curbs. It was happy with the technicality of working for Microsoft in that fashion."

"So." Mr. Gates pops out casually; "If I was to dangle this priceless rare Altair computer in front of him..."

Without a pause, immediately, instantly, as if on cue, Mr. Trouble stands at attention and watches the most glorious and simplest of systems in front of him. He is stopped.

...Nobody has ever seen this happen...

Mr. Gates puts the Altair on the ground with two words "You may..."

Mr. Trouble stands there, amazed. To touch an Altair. He pauses. He offers his hand to the trio of Microsoft.

"Thank you." it states. Nothing more. No drooling. No jumping about like a complete idiot.

Then...then... oh no... for a moment, there was peace. Then one of the SQL Gods who was there on that fated Friday before Energize IT appears.

"Hi everybody!" Mr. Trouble smells....smells... TECHNOLOGY!!!

And off he goes.... bolting like a little kid in a toy shop.

Mr. Ballmer looks at Phil, president of Microsoft Canada. "Hmm so what do you do to bring him down?"

Phil John and Mark look and each other; and in Unison state "Just hire the dummy! He'll take any job."

---- We'll let history take over at this part when the time comes,,,

Most Insane Professional

Sat, 21 Jul 2007 20:43:52 GMT

MIP Profile - Sean Kearney

Microsoft Most Insane Professionals (MIPs) are exceptional screwballs who tend to go overboard on just about everything. Although they have sound technical abilities, they tend to be feared by community leaders from around the world.

The MIP Program is not so much an honor as it is a warning. *BEWARE*. It is completely and utterly in every way and respect UNRELATED to the MVP Program. Those are the Elite. The MIP program involves warning potential industry professionals about the dangerous ones.

Today we interview the first (and hopefully the last EVER) MIP in the program, Sean Kearney; or as he likes to be knows as "Ye110wbeard".

Sean has been known to stick his fingers (Literally) into anything electronic. Whether his hands are wet or dry is not the issue. He has touched (and in some ways badly) many computers from helpless Commodore Vic20's to Macs and PC's. Some even survived.

He has a strong tendency towards many caffeinated products and will tend towards roasting innocent members of large corporations. He frequents many events just for "Free Swag" and the occasional breakfast.

What does being an MIP mean to you?
It means people come up and offer me money to stay away. I think I cleared six figures last month between IBM and Disney World alone. I used to try and work for the big companies, but as an MIP I make more in payoffs to keep clear of them. I think Apple wrote me about $50,000 just to try and enter a Microsoft event. Then Microsoft countered with Triple that. I should retire by the end of next July.

If you could ask Steve Ballmer one question about Microsoft, what would it be?
"Hey yo! Steve baby! I've got box of Captain Crunch and some Burger King coupons! Wanna buy me lunch? I'll treat for coffee!"

What do you think the best software ever written was?
The Best program ever written? Oh heck that's EASY. Pong. And I'm talking "Classic Pong". None of this wussy Arkanoid crap I'm seeing out there nowadays. Give me old fashioned, one paddle, broken joystick pong. "Gears of War" indeed!

If you were the manager of Visual Studio, what would you change?
Well first off, I would start by actually feeding the developers. Then the colours would have to change. I think each box should come with a free Laser pointer and possibly some plutonium. As well every 500th purchase should get a trip to the moon.

What are the best features/improvements of Visual Studio?
Actually I think it sucks. It doesn't do N-code. It won't read any of my Commodore Floppy disks. It certainly doesn't compile logo very fast. I tried to compile some COBOL code in it and it wouldn't deal with my big pile of Hollerith cards. Just WHAT kind of program is THAT?!

What was the last book you read?
The Anarchist Cookbook. But I don't understand why every time I cook something from it, the taste is so bad or my oven explodes. My cat won't go near the stuff either. I can't understand how it was EVER a bestseller.

What music CD do you recommend?
I highly recommend converting an audio CD player to music computer data CD's. I mean listening that is a complete blast.

What makes you a great MIP?
I am great because I am SO modest. There's nothing greater than me or myself. Not even my own ID can compare with me. Why would you ask such a silly question?

What is in your computer bag?
Hmmm, I found three crickets, a Dell Inspiron meshed together with bits of an old Acer. Some Juicy Fruit and *OOoooo!* I was looking for that. Hand Grenades? How did those get in there. One Holy Grail, Several crumpled up ideas for blogs. YEAACH, do you want a nine day old Baloney sandwich? It's only got one bite taken out.

What is the best thing that has happened since you have become an MIP?
Well to be honest the money and the respect. I used to be afraid to walk into rooms? Now I look forward to it and the incoming checks, visa cards, Rolex Watches.

What is your motto?
One motto, Cash First, Visa Mastercard Second, Gold and Silver are always accepted.

Who is your hero?
I have so many heroes I can't count. I mean being an MIP is a mesh of nut and IT Professional. So let me see there's Weird Al, Bill Cosby, Bill Gates,Jack Tramiel, Steve Jobs, Simon Travaglia. But I think my biggest hero is the fellow that invented Fireworks. And that guy that made Coco Puffs.

What does success mean to you?
It means lots of money, hot chicks, and expensive ridiculous car, airplanes, laser guns, cottage on the moon. All the things my lovely wife won't let me buy this week. So I'll settle for a pack of Pretzels some Molsen Canadian and a two four of Jolt Cola.

To find out more about the MIP program, contact the local insane asylum for advice on what to do.

The Guardian of All Knowledge

Thu, 19 Jul 2007 11:41:30 GMT

We pass today into the most hallowed halls. The libraries of Microsoft.

A balding gentleman with a goatee looks up.

"Who seeketh knowledge must pass by me. Ask thy questions of me."

The poor shaky little creature looks up and asks.

"Oh mighty man of knowledge, who knows and sees all. I have but one question."

"Ask away youngster, for I know all. And what I don't know, I learn quickly."

He glances behind himself and gestures along the many volumes.

"Look upon the many books of knowledge..."

It is true... There were many titles to take in, too many to count. Mountains and mountains of volumes. Sure they could have been archived to DVD libraries. But it wouldn't LOOK anywhere near as impressive.

So many books, so many answers. Could he possibly know the answer to this one?

"Actually it is such a minor question. I shall not bother you. Good day." He would not insult the great Guardian, the writer of many works with such trivia.

The Guardian stands there puzzled. Scratches his head.

He straightens up. "My child there is no such thing as a dumb question, dumb people on the other hand...."

The Guardian was truly wise and tugged at his beard thoughtfully. He had written many books on too many subjects to count. But this question was too trivial.

"No no. It is ok. It is too trivial, even for the great Guardian of knowledge."

The Guardian stands there, now getting into a bit of a huff. "Now look here, it didn't become the great guardian of knowledge because I look cool on a book cover. I like to answer questions. How can I answer questions if you don't give them to me."

The little one stood there. This great one is correct. I shall ask. Not asking is the greatest insult to the Guardian. And insulting Guardians is NOT a good idea. It tends to go badly. I will ask.

"Oh Great Guardian, oh knower of knowledge, oh Writer of passages, oh answer my useless question."

The Guardian stands there waiting.

"And what was the question?"

"Oh mighty...."

"The question?"

"Right. The question is..."

"Yes?"

"Err....I forgot."

The Guardian stands there. He is flabbergasted. This is incredible.

"Little one, how far did you travel for this question?"

"Hmmm. From Canada to Redmond with a quick stopover in Disney World..... FAR!"

"And did you maybe think to write the question down? Being that this is not exactly a short trip and although the great Guardian has patience, I do have other things to do. My inbox has over 1000 sitting in it right now. So if you could be so kind as to..."

The little one blinks. "Of course!" The little paper he crinkled up in the back of his pocket.

"Why do they mark those little packages with the phrase 'Do Not Eat' when there is obviously nothing delicious to eat in them?"

The Guardian blinks. A question of the ages. A question calling upon his greatest intellect.

"I shall consult the books...." The Guardian responds.

He goes to the many volumes, scans through the pages. No answer there.

This was perplexing, the volumes are ripped down one by one. "Oracle Database 10g OCP Certification All-In-One Exam Guide", "SQL Certification Bible","MCSA Windows Server 2003 All-in-One Exam Guide (Exams 70-270,70-290,70-291)", "MCSE Training Guide (70-217)- Windows 2000(R) Active Directory Services Infrastructure". So many volumes. So much information.

Why was this answer eluding him?

But this makes no sense is the problem. Nobody would WANT to eat it. Why would they do such a thing?"

"Little one please wait, I must consult with the rest of the seers." The Guardian states.

And so the Guardian steps back. He opens the gates and accesses the Holy Books as well as consulting the Ancient Texts.

No answers can be found! The question is now boggling. And then the answer comes to him. It is so simple.

The Guardian marches up to the counter.

The little one looks up "Yes Oh Guardian?"

"The answer to your question, 'Why do they mark those little packages with the phrase 'Do Not Eat' when there is obviously nothing delicious to eat in them?' That was your question?"

"Yes Oh Guardian."

"The Answer."

"Yes."

"Is."

"Yes... I await."

"Well it's... it's 'Just cuz'"

The little one looks down and up and side to side; "Thank you O Guardian. I accept your answer. But does it have nothing to do with 'Lawyers'?"

Lightening strikes down. The floor cracks open. "Speak never those words of those creatures in my presence! Begone with you!"

And with that the little one was eradicated in a puff of flawed logic.

Sometimes silly questions are best left unasked.

Time passes on...

Tue, 17 Jul 2007 12:02:08 GMT

It has been a few days the troublemaker began his virtual low level street sweeping position (Hey this is fiction, I didn't say I EVERY actually got hired.... ;) )

The staff are ALL on edge.

The "accident" didn't happen.

Common sense. Just a tiny little bit of common sense. That's all it took for this little rat to avoid disaster.

NUTS!

So we see the entire office in a state of high alert. Coffees are gone through quicker than a big bag of "Smarties" at a two year old's party. The air is ripe with the smell of nicotine. People are locking the office doors.

All are on alert and tensing for his next move.

Nothing, absolutely nothing has happened yet. Which makes ALL of this more mind numbingly awful!

It is now Tuesday morning. Staff begin to wander in. There is a large table full of neatly laid out coffees from Tim Hortons. Mountains of glorious donuts piled high to sky. Steaming pots of tea.

And standing, on the far side beaming like an idiot, is the troublemaker.

Staff began to gather around the cornucopia, all are in a strange state. Free Coffee BUT....

"Did he do this? What if there's a bomb?"

"He's smiling, I'll bet he put in dirt from the road in that coffee."

"You know what? I'll bet it's not even Tim Hortons! He's an American, I'll bet he couriered in Dunkin Donuts Coffee."

And so the conversations and rumors begin. It echoes throughout the buliding. Finally the "take charge" guys pop down.

"Alright, what seems to be the problem here." John meanders over.

"Well... you see sir, " a quiet little voice offers up. "There's all this wonderful coffee and donuts sitting here..."

"...And exactly what is the problem?"

At that exact moment, thousands of fingers point to a beaming idiot with a broomstick in his hand.

"***THAT***" They all say in unison.

John now understands the situation. *HE* brought in the coffee. What a horrible thing to do. Free coffee and donuts for Canadians. Oh this was the worst one yet. I mean EVERYBODY has seen the "Coyote Roadrunner" cartoons. Only who was the "Roadrunner" in this one?

Mr Trouble just sits there beaming away. Smiling like a twisted little Leprechaun.

The bomb squad is called in.

Drug sniffing dogs are called in.

Xrays are shipped in to examine the donuts.

Samples are sent off to the centre for Disease control.

STILL NOTHING!

"John, I have a thought." Barnaby suggests.

"Hmm?"

"There is a small remote chance..." Barnaby offers...

"Yes yes yes... go on..."

"Well that he DID it to be... I know this sounds crazy...To.. to...."

"Spit it out damn it! Get your thoughts out!" John is flustered! This nonsense has given him a 12 alarm headache.

"...Well that he just did it to be nice..."

Silence.

It couldn't be.

The possibility isn't there.

This creature, this troublemaker, this nuisance... "Nice".

No... no... it has to be something else.

Rodney steps up. "I could sample some.... I used to eat at some REALLY bad restaurants so I've pretty much immune to anything."

Of course not to be outdone. Rick steps in "Oh you haven't seen anything, the places we have in Ottawa is only fit for politicians!"

...and of course a small game of "Volunteering" mixed with one upmanship begins.

"That's it. Go ahead sample it." John has had it. It's good or it's bad. "You do realize if you die, it will eradicate death benefits from Microsoft? This would be considered insanity..."

And so they all step up. Rodney, Rick, Damir, Ruth, Barnaby and Kerri. It's late on a Tuesday morning. The coffees at least might still be warm. Those donuts DID smell good..."

And so they lifted the cups... A hush falls over the crowd. Donuts are lifted in unison.

"Who wants to live forever Eh?" Damir suggests.

"Down the hatch all" pipes in Ruth.

...And so the donuts.... and then the coffees are drank.

Pause

"You know," Rodney mutters. "Those weren't half ba......"

And then the convulsions! The entire team drops to the floor in one of the most spasmodic displays EVER. Coffee cups drop. People begin bursting for the exits. Doors are smashed down!

Later as the dust clears, Mr Trouble is standing at the door with great dismay!

"How?!" He mutters to himself. "Those were fresh from Tim Horton's next door. I actually DID try to do something nice...."

He mumbles oddly.

Then a knock at the Window. Seven beaming laughing idiots pointing.

GHOSTS!

No no... Not ghosts.... Fakers!

He picks himself up and gasps! They're not DEAD? HOW?!

"So.... make us get the 'Addams Family' stuck in our head?" John points. "One word"

"REVENGE!"

Dealing with a troublemaker

Sat, 14 Jul 2007 01:25:59 GMT

We see a large meeting. Heavy smoke fills the room. Liquor is in the air and bottles litter the area.

IT Professionals, Developers, Executives. All sit about a large table in heated discussion about what to do with this "Sean" problem.

"I've had it!" one of the lead developers shouts in exasperation. "N-code. If I hear anymore 'N-Code' jokes I'm going to puke. Developers are people too!"

"You think YOU have it bad?" One of the managers pipes up. "I can't get this bunch to stop snickering about now for even 10 minutes. 'Funny Fridays'. Who's brilliant idea was that.

All eyes turn towards a quiet character deeply concentrated on a bowl of poutine. Nobody says a word. They look away.

"John you said Redmond had a solution." Jean-Luc a key developer barked at him. "They'll solve this. Sure!"

"No, I said they had a solution. Some are long-term, some are short-term. Their solution is definitely long term."

"Great. So how much longer of this nut do we have to deal with." Kerri fumes. "I need order! The regular 'geeks' here are starting to step over the edge. It's spreading like an infection!"

"I know I know. I have a plan." replied John. "It will be over soon."

"Really? Oh this out to be good." Barnaby piped up. "Think about it, he's eaten fingers, broken out of cages, wiped out brains, had developers crying, revolting, stolen shoes, littered, created havoc. Just HOW are you going to stop THIS?!"

"Simple. We hire him." Came John's even reply.

"Are you completely out of your mind?!?!?!?!" Thousands of eyes stared upon the Mighty John as tho he spat a small animal on the desk. "Hire a madman? Intentionally BRING insanity into here?!"

"He just wants to work here. So we'll grant that request. He's stated over and over he doesn't care the position. Mark and Phil have come up with the perfect answer."

They all pause. Oh this was going to be a doozy.

"He's going to sweep up all the curbs around our office."

A pause. A short pause. Then insane laughter.

"You're kidding of course?! A curb sweeper on the payroll for Microsoft? HA! Oh that's a good one."

"I wonder what kind of code he can make with dirt. It is technically silicon!"

The developers couldn't help themselves. This was too much.

"Oh and if he finds a 'road pizza' rabbit in his pile of dirt he could call it a beach bunny."

John is not phased.

"We meant ALL the curbs. Especially those on the main roadway. Understand?"

A sudden realization.

"Ahh yes accidents could happen... Yes yes YES!!!!"

Cheers break out, celebration begins.... VICTORY at last.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

John sits at a small room with Phil and Mark. How could they have known.

"That little !@#$@ brought Pylons for the first day! Pylons! He's redirecting traffic around his work zone into the Microsoft parking lot."

They look out the window. The troublemaker stands happily sweeping curbs. A slight smile crosses it's face.

Phase 1. Join the company one way or another. It is complete.

the CanITPro Team

Fri, 13 Jul 2007 01:08:55 GMT

Sung to the Addams' family.

They're nerdy and they're geeky,

Twisted and kinda freaky,

The jokes they say are cheeky,

The Can IT Pro team.

There's Damir and Rod and Ricky,

Barnaby's kinda tricky,

John is really picky,

the Can IT Pro team.

Critique

Unique

Technique

Don't forget or dare we?

There's also Ruth and then there's Kerri,

They're quiet as a canary.

The Can IT Pro team

Silence of the RAM

Sun, 08 Jul 2007 19:17:40 GMT

Picture Lassie Theme music

Yelling out the background,

"Rodney, Rick, Damir..."

The voices echo against the walls. The bloghouse is quiet. Our silent visitor wanders in vain throughout the pages.

No updates. No comments. It is almost as if a small nullifying weapon was launched within the pages.

He peers deeper. Nothing. Nobody has commented on anything.

No developer comments.

Nobody. It was as if the life was stricken down.

Even the HR Departments were quiet in this hour...

Then a sudden darker thought appears on the horizon.

"Shutdown. Somebody shutdown Microsoft."

A silly thought. Who or what could have dared to shutdown the greatest software company on the planet.

Perhaps they didn't pay their Power bill?

"Nope, they run off Frog power. Can't be that."

Servers crashed?

"Silly thought, ever hear of the word 'Redundancy'?"

The answer was obvious.

"Martians!" The answer so obvious why hadn't he thought of it before? The Martians had finally stepped off the deep end and invaded Microsoft. Darn those incompatable bastards!

It all made sense now! The fiscal year timed perfectly with the holiday weekend in two countries. The lack of response from all departments! Only the Martians could have come up with this plan. It was so ingenious.

But how to prove it? If the Martians controlled Redmond, they controlled the planet. This could only mean the end of humanity.

No more fun Mac vs PC wars. The Martians would destroy all and force the planet to use their dastardly version of and Operating System. Strangely it looked a little like GEOS (a very ancient GUI).

"That explains why Commodore controlled the planet at one point! Only Martians could have made people use such slow, obsolete equipment for so long without internet access. The Martians must have created GEOS!"

Thoughts echoed throughout his head. Why today, why now. What set these fiends upon the planet. Why today?

And then it dawned on him.

"I did it. Oh no!"

Yes. The blogging, the razing, all the rants and roasts at Microsoft. It must have created division within the company.

Developers attacking IT pros. IT pros throwing mice at developers. In the ensuing chaos the Martian attack fleet must have slipped under

the cover of a Beta test and worked their way inside.

"What have I done?" He wondered. "I tried to fit and create harmony, I have destroyed them all!"

And then the plan was forged. A plan so evil and hideous. A plan that should never have to be conceived.

"Darnit... I need a time machine. I need one now."