ye110wbeard's Land of Silly Un-Official Funny Fridays Site: Going over the Edge

Devouring a Novel

Tue, 29 Apr 2008 23:53:36 GMT

Ahhh thinking thoughts and mulling over ideas.

And occasionally devouring a book. But of course not in the literal sense.

That would be silly.

But what if it weren't? What if devouring a book or novel meant EXACTLY that?

Would bring a whole new meaning to going to the library THAT's for sure.

Just imagine these statements.

"How was that James Joyce?"

"Oh it was great but the wit was a bit dry in my mouth."

"What did you wash it down with?"

"I tried a little 'Moby Dick' but that left too much of a salty taste. Plus every hour I was spouting water out of my nose."

"Then I tried some Robert Heinlein. It was great but now I want to eat everything in sight and 'Grok' it"

"Have you considered romance novels?"

"I tried one once but it was too cheesy. Left me constipated for weeks. Almost as bad as a Wiliam Shatner performance. Mind you Ham and Cheese could go great together."

"What about a western?"

"No. I'm allergic to spaghetti."

"Boy you sure are fussy."

Thank goodness we don't live in a world like that, eh?

Napping

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 15:44:15 GMT

Having done my fair share of long days and late nights (including midnight stints) I've discovered a huge problem.

Humans need sleep.

Not just a little either. For some reason that goes beyond comprehension, the goofy engineer behind our design dictated that approximately 40% of our day we must remain unconscious.

However upon rollout it was discovered that the human creature required time zones as high as 85% of that same 24 hour time period to complete the necessary daily tasks.

So to aid us in this issue, our design engineer rolled out the "NAP" hotfix.

"NAP" or Nocturnal Automated Powerups as they are known more correctly were released to the Global infrastructure to deal with this imbalance in design. For the most part it has worked out well. There are a few variants you should be aware of however when working in the field.

Their effective use will aid you.

The Catatonic or "Cat" NAP is usually experienced with the subject curled up in a ball on a couch knocked out for approximately 15 minutes although this number can vary. The end result (Like many NAP's) is a temporary refreshment in energy. These types of NAP's also have been known to exist on park benches, laps and even the maintenance rooms of Burger Kings.

The Kinetic Wellspring in Cars or "KWIC" NAP is also quite common. Subjects are most often found laying across the back seats of Volvos or with their feet jammed onto the dashboard of old Subaru's resting their head on the passenger seat snoozing and sweating. Interestingly enough, although quite uncomfortable it can be very refreshing. It has been heard a good one hour "KWIC" NAP can sometimes provide an additional seven hours of productive waking time.

Now one of the rarest seen is the Primary Overdrive With Effective Recuperation or "POWER" NAP. This type of NAP usually lasts no more than ninety seconds. It is signifigant as it often yields results such as bursts of creativity and shouting of the word "Eureka!" while also providing approximately sixty boosts in activity. These are quite common in Software and IT Professionals working late night disaster recovery sessions.

Hopefully this quick tutorial will aid you in your efforts.

This message will self destruct in 5...4...3...2...

BORED!

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 10:51:01 GMT

BORED!

Yup. I'm stuck in a parking lot. Nowhere to go nothing to do. Too early to get into anything, read all my e-mails, drew moustaches on all the pictures in the paper B-O-R-E-D!!!

What can I do to kill the time? What do you do?

Ok let's eliminate all the "normal" stuff. I've already cleaned, washed, organized, categorized and did a complete structural re-alignment of my car.

I sat down with a bottle of cleaning fluid and enough paper towels to choke a horse (Not that I feed dirty paper towels to horses to know that!) and detailed every nook and cranny.

I've already dug for all the buried treasure in my car. It has turned up $2.53, a wad of coupons for the local gas bar and a slightly disgruntled "Gummy Worm." At least I think it's a Gummy Worm.

Nope. Just a poor (and now very grateful) Garter Snake that was trapped under my passenger seat.

I've played every game on my laptop, organized all my calendar appointments, re-arranged my laptop desktop into a "Feng Shui" and optimized it to run as a Commodore 64.

I've examined and replaced every conceivable lightbulb in the car (including a few the manufacturer forgot to wire in)

I've gone exploring about the local plaza and discovered the amazing local habitats. Did you know a full-sized adult racoon can look amazingly like a woman's hat? Neither did I!

So I'm out of options at this point. Any thoughts?

I was going to try and construct a little playhouse out of coffee cups, but the raccoon ran off with them... :(

The FURNITURE GOD

Tue, 15 Apr 2008 03:28:41 GMT

All silence falls into the house. A being of such unimagined power comes into the threshold.

It is the mightiest of the mighty!

It is the *FURNITURE GOD* (Queue cool special lightening effects)

Mere mortals upon entering the local IKEA or any other "U-ScrewIT" Furniture shop tremble in terror at the 93 page manuals to assemble a napkin.

"SLOT A??!?!?"

"INDEX G?!"

"A #34 1/4 half twisted Philips screwdriver?!?!?"

People shriek in terror. They run down the halls. Bits of photocopied assembly manuals and styro foam trailing behind them.

Regular folk.

But not the *FURNITURE GOD*. No. He enjoys such demeaning and degrading tasks.

He ventures into IKEA. He is looking for a TRUE challenge.

Twelve Story Bookshelves with integrate music boxes?

The *FURNITURE GOD* scoffs. "Simple child's play!"

Cross sectional multi layer beds with an intermix of lego and Rubik's cubes."

"Phphttt. I bat an eye and it is done."

Dressers that transform like Optimus Prime into a full sized entertainment center?

"The *FURNITURE GOD* is angered that you bother him so. I desire a TRUE challenge to my wits."

Aimlessly up and down the aisles kicking various packages to the side like and Soda can.

And then he sees it.

A challenge to TRULY size up his limits.

THE ULTIMATE CHALLENGE TO THE *FURNITURE GOD*.

A challenge NOBODY can face up to. Even the *FURNITURE GOD*.

Helping the *FURNITURE GOD*'s wife choose the colour for the bathroom.

"Honey do you think...."

The *FURNITURE GOD* bolts off like a scared mouse....

An IT Pro moves.

Sat, 05 Apr 2008 18:07:31 GMT

Oh it's been a long one. The boxes, the boxes and finally THE BOXES!

Rodney looked about. Finally it was all done. Or at least the first part. Man that sucked too!

He looks over at his wife, she looks at him. Sudden realization.

In stereo they both look at each other. "Have you seen the cat?"

They quickly glance about but no sign of it.

A panic ensues. The cat. They left the cat behind, it ran away... Oh no!

Then that familiar "meow". Just more omni directional rather than specific. But there.

"Meow"

They check the cupboards.

"Meow"

In the bedrooms and the living room"

"Meow"

No they can hear the cat but where, Where, WHERE?!

It was then Rodney glanced over at the mountain of boxes. Suddenly he realized he was in big trouble. He packed the cat.

His wife looks at him with a look that would kill off a banshee.

"DID YOU PACK MY CAT?!?!"

Rodney stands there shuffling his feet back and forth. "Maybe."

"FIND MY CAT!"

And so the search began. Rodney looked at the pile of boxes. There must have been hundreds there. And he began, the worlds FASTEST unpacking session. All the while hearing the same sets of sounds.

"Meow"

"WHAT KIND OF AN IDIOT PACKS A CAT?!"

"Meow"

"I HOPE IT'S SOMETHING OF YOURS!"

"Meow"

"YOU CAN CLEAN UP THE MESS THE CAT MADE YOU KNOW! I'M NOT GOING NEAR IT!"

All the while frantically pulling open box after box after box. The constant "Meow" driving him forward every second of the minute.

All the boxes opened up. Nothing. No fur, no sudden leaps.

But still. "Meow"

She looks at him with great disdain. "JUST WHERE DID YOU PUT MY CAT?!??!"

Poor Rodney. You're not allowed to lose the family pet. Oh boy.

When suddenly, rubbing up against his leg.

"Meow"

Leaping up from joy and terror, he looked down. The cat.

Seems nobody bothered looking by the food bowl in the kitchen. Doh!

You know you're tired out (And it's going to be a BAD day) when...

Sat, 05 Apr 2008 02:56:55 GMT

You put your clothes on, backwards and in a backwards order (undergarments last)

The clothes belong to your mate.

You brush your teeth with shaving cream. Even if you're a woman.

You use "Chirpy" the pet bird as a salt shaker. And succeed.

You rinse out your favourite mug in the fish tank.

You put salt in your coffee (double double) and shake sugar all over your scrambled eggs.

You're about to go out the door, you grab the cat and throw your car keys downstairs

You kiss the dog and pat your signifigant other on the head.

You refer to your mate by the wrong name.

You try to start the car with your cat and can't understand why it's not working.

You go to put gas in the car and end up pouring your coffee and take a drink from the gas pump.

You drive to work sound asleep. And succeed. Until the officer pulls you over. For driving backwards the whole time.
You can't remember what the day of the week it is and quite frankly don't care.

The month is an issue too.

For that matter, what planet did you say you were on?

The cheese sandwich you made contained the slices still wrapped. You only realized it after you finished it.

You poured coffee down the engine and drank a steaming cup of motor oil.

You get to work, and it's Saturday.

You kiss the soda machine at work, it kisses back.

You make a pot of coffee but get the sugar mixed up with coffee grounds. It's a rather sweeeeeet coffee.

At the end of the day, you have a nice cold one. It turns out to be paint thinner.

You look down at your feet, instead of shoes, you've been wearing bunny slippers all day.

Digging up Trouble

Wed, 02 Apr 2008 00:14:30 GMT

It was an early raining day.

John hated rainy days in the office.    Just because no other reason.

Walking about the office, he looked out the window.   Something was off in the parking lot.   Definitely off.    Must be the potholes.

Potholes?

In Microsoft Canada's parking lot?

Couldn't be.

He looked again. Sure enough.   Hundreds of little potholes. Shovel sized potholes littering the entire parking lot.   Something was amiss.

Quickly he sends off and email

From: John Oxley
TO: Everyone
Subj: Potholes.

Anybody have any clue if there was work done outside last night?   Parking lot is covered in pot holes.
Thanks

John

Perplexed he looks at them.   Hundreds of shovel sized pot holes.   And then off in the corner. One big one.

Big was not the word. One obscenely oversized huge whammo of a pot hole.    And as he looks, dirt is flying out.

Digging. FURIOUS Digging.

Digging. Somebody was out back in the parking lot digging!

What the %%$#@#@@#%#? Popped into his head.

An email returns.

From: Ruth Morton
To: John Oxley
Subj: Holes

John

No word on any construction.   Friday Funny Guy was here this morning with his boss. A little chat up.   Holes in the parking lot you say?

Ruth

And there lay the answer.   Only one idiot would be in the back of Microsoft digging up holes on a wet Tuesday.

MR. TROUBLE!

John throws on his hat and heads outside into the wet yuck.   He looks into the hole.

Sure enough, seven foot into the ground, covered head to foot in muck and dirt, swinging a shovel and pick axe away like a miner, Mr. Trouble.

I'm certain this was a question John didn't want to ask.   It had been a good month.   There had been no outbreaks of "Trouble" in a while.    So for a short fleeting moment, his gut said "Walk away".

But the manager in him INSISTED on "finding out" and "resolving" the issue.   An eight foot hole in the Microsoft parking lot would definitely classify as an "issue".

So casting his vision to the hole, he uttered the most dreaded words. "What are you doing?"

Mr. Trouble, busy as he was, initially missed the question. He was busy.   Life threateningly busy digging away.

So again. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" cast the voice in a more important sounding tone.

Up came the look from Mr. Trouble.   "I'm digging." And right back to it he went.

Funny, John was expecting a slightly more detailed answer.    So, he rephrased the question.
"WHAT ARE YOU DIGGING FOR?!"

Mr. Trouble paused for a moment before answering. "Digging for Golden Opportunities."

Now there was an answer to throw poor John off.     "Golden Opportunities."
A pause. A large and concerned one. This pause could involve a beer later.

"JUST WHO TOLD YOU ABOUT GOLDEN OPPORTUNITIES."

Dirt still flying away, Trouble responded. "I read it on the internet that the world was full of Golden Opportunities.   You just had to look for them.   So I thought, there are lots of opportunities at Microsoft.   So I started digging."

Somehow John expected an answer like that.

"THAT EXPLAINS THE LITTLE HOLES, WHY THIS ONE?!" His voice was getting hoarse.
The response was simple and quiet.   A Finger. No no no. Not THAT finger.

A finger pointing to the sky.

And that's when John saw it.

A freaking Rainbow ending at this eight foot. oops now NINE foot deep hole in the back of the Microsoft Canada parking lot.

He thought it was safe to turn away and find that cold much needed beer when a shout.

"FOUND IT!"

Trouble was jumping up and down with a large bag in his hands.

That's it. John had completely lost his mind. Just WHAT could Trouble have found in a bag, at the bottom of the Microsoft Canada parking lot at the end of the rainbow.

Mr. Trouble popped up his pick axe and climbed out!

"Arrrrr!" is all he would say. "Arrrr. I share the booty."

He opened the bag.

In there, it WAS full of shiny golden objects.

"HOW?!" was all John's head could think. "HOW??!!?!"

Simple. Unexplainable plot twist.   Creative license.

But the shiny objects, they had. they had a smell.   No no. Not what YOU'RE thinking reader.

They smelled..well.. SWEET.

Mr. Trouble handed the bag to John.   "Arrr sir. I share the booty.   Tis REAL Chocolate Money for yer Chocolate Money Cookies."

That was it. No more. John lost it and ran back to the building screaming.

Too many plot twists for one day.

You know you're a Geek - The RETURN!

Fri, 28 Mar 2008 02:14:25 GMT

If you can identify various cellphones by model by their unique sounds (And are visibly irritated when you CAN'T!)

Setting up the Bluetooth system to tie the GPS, Laptop, MP3 player and handsfree system is a piece of cake. Changing the tire isn't.

If you had to genuinely think twice about paying for that new gadget or paying your hydro bill. REALLY had to think.

When your kids were born, if you considered (at least for a blink of an eye) naming the kid Bill, Steve or Jack (because of CERTAIN computer guys)

If you tried and bothered arguing with your wife about it.

If you have at least two boxes of "useful electronic stuff" you can't bear to part with and won't throw away.

If you paid to courier those boxes to your new house for your new job.

If you recommend to clients to buy new equipment but you'll get buy on slapping an old laptop together from bits and pieces.

If you seriously have considered or have had a breakfast comprised of Cookies, Soda pop and potato chips.

If you are on a one to one basis with the cashier at the local McDonald's, BurgerKing, Wendy's, Taco Bell.

If The local Pizza shop is on speed dial.

If you can insulate your basement with all the used pizza boxes.

If you can genuinely imitate either Kirk, Scotty, Bones or McCoy or "Ensign RedShirt"

If you are dreaming to this day of "Transporter" technology or having a phaser handy to take out the driver that cut you off.

You were a member of at least ONE of the following in ANY school. Chess Club, Dungeons and Dragons, Computer Club, A/V club, Band.

You can understand 90% of the acronyms out there. You can't spell Mississauga or Mississippi.

You walk about wearing at least ONE (if not more) memory keys.

You carry at least two gadgets at any point in time.

You own your own cable testing, probing, punch down and crimping equipment.

You have at least two stickers on your laptop.

You collect "Swag" for a hobby.

If you have ever tried to impress people with an emulator on your cell phone.

If you have ever trolled Goodwill for old computer hardware.

If you've ever installed Linux from floppy disks.

If your Digital camera has Wifi.

If you've ever owned a Vectrex.

Geek's can't sing!

Thu, 27 Mar 2008 14:21:31 GMT

Ok that's a generalization. A BIG Generalization. And most likely VERY inaccurate.

But I know I can't.

I couldn't hold a note if it was supported by steel plated two by fours and nailed to a concrete wall with Krazy Glue and 8 inch spikes.

Is that an accurate enough description?

Just how bad is my singing?

Well let me see. Have you ever seen a cat saw off it's own ears just to NOT hear you sing? Fish spontaneously explode to avoid it? Dog's running in front of cars rather than put up with the auditory sonic blast you're emitting?

How about the microphone just stop's working? The Audio recording software or device imploding to get you to stop?

Sounds pretty bad doesn't it.

It is.

I'm trying to find a solution. I was thinking of getting some 24th century Star Trek technology to modify my vocal chords. But unless you got me the vocal chords of that blue chick from the 5th Element, I think the world is doomed. Even then I think this would be a huge problem.

I've tried using Audio software to improve my voice, but all I get is a very off key singing gerbil. Ever heard "Highway to PowersHell" (the original version) on Youtube?

Yup. Pretty bad eh?

Then I tried "Grovelling musically" like in every heavy metal band. That seems to work ok.

But unfortunately after trying to do that for an hour or so I found a new set of problems. One is I can't keep the beat properly. The second is I start sounding like a mobster and end up scaring all my customers off. Picture "Marlon Brandon" from the "Godfather" saying.

"I'm sorry my friend, but there seems to be a problem with your check. It appears to have bounced. Would you have any type of alternate payment."

So as we can see, my trying to sing causes all sorts of problems.

On the plus side, everybody in the house (including my wife) has been pretty much leaving me alone (to avoid the sonic distress upon their ears) so I can actually get caught up on my work.

But I need this problem solved. I need to sound like Brian Johnson of AC/DC while having the vocal abilities of "Bobcat" Goldthwait.

Anybody know how to pull that off?

I mean WITHOUT kidnapping Brian Johnson of AC/DC?

What if Star Trek Transporters REALLY existed?

Thu, 27 Mar 2008 00:04:23 GMT

Ok. Each and every week I hear this. Every techno-geek, computer person, person that owns a pocket calculator does.

"Boy if I could only just 'Beam' myself there."

Yep. Bet you've all heard it haven't you? Commuters seem to use this phrase the most.

Well then.

Let's enter a little world called "Make believe it was real."

Let's imagine, just for a bit. That this technology TRULY existed. That it was reasonably stable.

I say "reasonably" because since technology is designed by humans at SOME level, there is always going to be a level of error.

That's life. Deal with it.... :)

But let's just imagine and let our thoughts wander. Imagine for JUST a bit that it wasn't "life threatening" on any level.

Feel better?

Good.

Now immediately EVERY commuter, every person who ever had to WAIT for anything will scream "YES!"

Forgot something here though.

Requires power. So there's probably going to be a limited set of these.

What does that mean?

Lineups!

"UGH!"

The groans will echo throughout. I know.

Now let's if we can imagine a little past Mr. Roddenberry (RIP) and every other Sci-Fi writer on this one.

How about what happens when it breaks down?

"Oh oh!" I hear in the back "Call in a tech!"

Right! Of course! Brilliant! Why hadn't I thought of that?

Well present day, does every tech repair every piece of equipment equally well?

No? Oh!

Why not the same on Transporters? Ooops! Problem there!

Can you imagine being the poor person being transported TO a beaming destination where the last tech bandaged it together with "Duct-Tape" and "Twisties". Maybe a little electrical tape and a paperclip for good measure?

Now you're getting scared! Aren't you? Why do you think Dr. McCoy dreaded them? He wasn't nuts. He knew what happened to repaired equipment.

Look who kept the Enterprise running. A Brilliant but DRUNKEN technician. I'd hate to see the condition of what one of Scotty's repairs REALLY looked like.

Aye. He was a miracle worker. But we all know the miracles we've pulled off from time to time, some of them weren't meant to last as long as they did.

It's a miracle that thing didn't blow up in front of the Klingons some days.

Now let's step forward another thought.

Did anybody, ever think what would happen if you sneezed JUST as you transported?

Right. Our good friends in the 24th century didn't seem to think a nice glass shield would have been useful to prevent "Accidents" did they?

"Yeah but there was an energy shield there probably."

Maybe, but I never seen the good Captain beamed up and accidentally bump into the energy shield.

Now let's go a different direction. What if they were common household appliances?

I can see this getting abused. Remember the "Simpsons" episode where Homer went to use one as a bathroom?

Step it up a notch. Don't like your neighbours? Think beaming a few rotten eggs into the heater vent would be funny? How about kids getting at it? Little Joey beams the cat four stories in the air. Poor thing drops on Grandma.

Or it replaces the car, so then you get embarrassing questions like this.

"Why does the transporter smell like cigarette smoke?"

"Who's bra was that I found on the transporter?!"

"Did anybody clean up what the dog did on the transporter?" (Sure that you could beam out I suppose)

"Oh Gross, somebody got beam-sick in the transporter!"

Or even worse. Somebody goes on bender or has a few too many and beams into the wrong house.

Remember keys aren't needed if you have a transporter.

You see? Not a perfect world.

I'm certain all this was happening in the 24th century but due to editing guidelines and television restrictions, we were never meant to see it.

So please, think twice when you ask for beaming technology.

It might just come true.....

Fear the Easter Bunny

Sun, 23 Mar 2008 11:10:19 GMT

Tis another year. Another battle.

Oh yeah.

The Easter Bunny.

"What?" you say "What's that I hear? What's wrong with the Easter Bunny?"

Nothing is my response. Nothing at all if you don't mind a large fuzzy sharp clawed disgruntled mythical creature roaming YOUR kitchen each year.

"What's this disgruntled?" you say.

Think about it. That rabbit is roaming houses every year with eggs, chocolate, candy, plastic grass, baskets and the odd fluffy bunny.

"Hippity Hoppity to every house in the land." That's a heavy load to go "Hippity Hoppity" with. And quite large.

Did it occur to anybody just HOW heavy that can be?

Sure. When he was younger, full of energy. No problem. I'm certain when we were all in our younger years we'd lifted and moved things that would have shocked our parents. Why most days they were shocked when we lifted a finger! Moving a CEMENT Block?! Unheard of!

So let's sit down and put this into perspective. We have a large hairy rabbit standing about 6 foot tall weighing in close to 350 pounds (Well he's GOING to have some girth. If your job each year in the same time frame as Santa Claus was to deliver candy, I'm certain you'd have been sampling from time to time).

At no point has anybody ever suggested what means of conveyance this large fairy tale creature has. Never.

Just "Hippity Hoppity.".

I'm sorry. When I'm carrying about 2 tons of chocolate and candy (possibly more, somebody do the math please?) I'm not going to be in a hippity hoppity mood. I would expect a four hundred year old giant overweight chocolate eating rabbit would be in the same league.

Or worse.

So now we see the clear picture.

In your kitchen, once a year, unwatched.

You have a large, overweight, geriatric, disgruntled rabbit in your kitchen who's probably also wearing depends and molting fur all over the place.

Not a pretty picture is it?

I feel for him, I really do. But I have to be realistic. If this were any other animal, we've had it put down out of sheer mercy.

And he's in my kitchen. Dropping off baskets. Probably raiding my fridge too.

Little bastard!

I'm laying odds, that's not chocolate eggs in the basket either as a result.

IT Pro Toronto - The Actual Truth Revealed

Wed, 19 Mar 2008 17:20:44 GMT

I am hoping nobody stops me. This was scary.

There's a secret society that meets in Mississauga. They call it IT Pro Toronto. I think it's to confuse people so they can hide their meetings better. More food I think is the reason. More swag for themselves.

But I know where they meet. I found out.

I tapped secretly into Microsoft Twitters from internal staff and found out where they were meeting.

But you have to be careful you know. You have to wear a disguise.

I wore a large black hooded gown to cover my Tilley Hat.

30 Eglinton Avenue in Mississauga. Spread it to others.

That's their secret location. I'm thinking if others know, we can keep this Technological version of "the Masons" under control.

Before they control the world you see. Have to keep these "secret societies" under check.

And so I pass through the gates unchecked. I wave my hands and use my IT powers. "You don't need to see a security pass."

Strangely enough, it worked and a helpless MVP guarding the door let me in. Truth is he was too heavily involved drooling over "Cougar" pictures to see what was going on.

Strange person.

So up the elevator to the 2nd floor. The Second chamber. The guardians of the halls of Nexient stared. But for all they did, they could not sense my true self. And so I was allowed to enter. My powers were strong. They had to be.

Daemons were in the room. Pizza guarding daemons. Under the guise of Lords of Microsoft slices were cautiously rationed out.

Micro tiny slivers and Dixie cup soda portions. The rest was being saved for "the Wizard" I was told. Hopefully I was not to be noticed in this room. It was difficult.

For a Lord of Microsoft was there. "I sense a presence." It said. "I sense the Friday Funny Guy is here."

But a quick shuffling of My Dark Cloak and I was gone into the deeper annexes.

Into the meeting area. Chanting and Groaning was all that could be heard. A large curtain blocked the front half of the room. Smoke rolled from below it.

"SIT ALL! SIT NOW! FOR I AM GREAT AND POWERFUL GARVIS!"

The chanting continued. The many sat.

"HERE MY WORDS! THE GREAT AND POWERFUL GARVIS WILL TEACH YOU OF HYPER-V!" his voice boomed throughout the cosmos.

The Great and Powerful Garvis could not be seen. Just a large glowing entity in front of the curtain. Truly. This secret society had powers!

"YOU WILL LISTEN ON WHAT THE GREAT AND POWERFUL GARVIS HAS TO SAY! HYPER-V! COOL! POWERFUL!"

The others echoed "Hyper-V! Cool! Powerful! "Hyper-V! Cool! Powerful!" went on the chant.

"THIS TRUTH MUST BE REMEMBERED!" The Great and powerful Garvis went on. "FOR I SPEAK IT!"

Glancing towards the front of the room a large table was laid out near the curtain. Covered in trinkets in various shapes and size.

Offerings to the Great and Powerful Garvis I thought. Oh this is a frightening place to be.

The many began to chant more. Suddenly the cloaked individuals stood up and removed their cowels. The truth was indeed horrid.

There were Microsoft staff and MVP amongst them! AIGH!

The voice boomed on. "THE GREAT AND POWERFUL GARVIS SEES THE OFFERINGS OF XBOX360 AND SWAG! HE IS PLEASED! MY BRETHREN! I WILL BEGIN THE DISTRIBUTION OF THE SWAG!"

The room thundered with his presence. And then something happened.

Something both amazing and frightening.

Items began to float from the table and launch to the hands of the many brethren. Until.

"WHO DARES INSULT THIS PLACE WITH THIS PITIFUL PEACE OF SWAG!? THE GREAT GARVIS IS DISPLEASED! A MERE 64 MEG MEMORY KEY!! WHO DISGRACES MY PRESENCE WITH THIS?!"

All hands point to the guard. The "Cal" who was busy staring are Cougar pictures and code (And still was!)

A large bony claw reaches out from the curtain and personally launches it at The "Cal". It bounces off his body across the room and lands in my lap. I quickly scurry it off under my robe to decipher it's meanings at a later date.

"AND NOW MY PEOPLE! THE GREAT AND POWERFUL GARVIS DECREES THE SACRIFICING OF THE PIZZA AND POP MAY BEGIN! ENSURE ALL OF THESE ENTITIES ARE DESTROYED LEST I BE FORCED TO RETURN IT TO MINE HOUSE!" echoing through the room he was.

Oh what a frightening site it was. Those poor helpless pepperoni Pizzas. So many helpless slices. I couldn't watch. I stayed back.

My error.

A hooded form turned about.

"I sense... I sense...."

It spun about. "YOU! I know YOU! You were at...."

But it was too late for the entity. Frankenstein the laptop was quickly pulled out to knock him unconscious. I am on a mission. I must not be discovered.

So the many returned from the sacrifice of pizza and Pop. Faces smothered in Pepperoni and the remnants of RedPop.

It was at this point I decided to try and ruin this secret society. Under the cover of a black cloak in a black room I cautiously moved to the front.

The voice of the Great and Powerful Garvis continued. "HYPER-V! SAVES MONEY! HYPER-V! VIRTUAL EVERYTHING! HYPER-V! DO WORK LESS AND LIE ABOUT IT!"

The chanting and repeating continued. So did my movement.

Finally at the front, the hooks to the curtain were grasped to REVEAL!

The cloaks all dropped as the many gasped.

They looked on in horror.

"YES!" I cried out. "LOOK UPON YOUR GREAT LEADER! HE IS A GEEK!"

The Great and not-so-powerful-anymore Garvis sat upon his stool with two laptops held together by duct tape and four boxes of pizza.

He cringed. His true self was revealed.

"My precious! My precious!" he muttered as he attempted to scrape together his laptops and wires into a protective huddle.

The audience just stared in horror.

I proudly marched off to have a celebratory coffee at the Second Cup.

Only to find out the Great and Powerful Garvis truly was.

He had virtualized it on me with Hyper-V.

So the truth is revealed. I have crushed this powerful IT cult to make the world safe.

But apparently not their powers....

Feeding Trouble

Tue, 18 Mar 2008 03:01:19 GMT

There's an old phrase. Never bite the hand that feeds you.

But sometimes. Sometimes you shouldn't feed a biter. No matter how much it shouldn't bite you. It might.

Case in point. Mr. Trouble. Friday Funny Guy.

It seems "somebody" made the mistake of accepting a pile of smelly old boxes from him. BIG mistake.

"Hey I'll buy you lunch."

BIGGER mistake.

You see, Mr. Trouble bites things. Pretty much anything not nailed down is the problem you see.

So he's sitting in a small restaurant. A certain un-named representative of a certain un-named Major Corporation is sitting across from him. He is very perplexed why it is taking so long for Mr. Trouble to order. Until of course he sees the problem.

"It's not a 'Scratch and Sniff'. You see words. You say words. They give you food." Mr. Buike tries to explain it in the simplest terms possible.

Mr. Trouble understands this. This is easy. Talk, food. Talk, food. More talk, more food.

"BURGER!" He barks out. A waitress bolts across twelve tables. Seconds later a thick juicy Ground Steak burger appears.

Trouble sees this game as interesting.

"FRIES!" He barks out again. She flies across the room like 'The Flash' and appears with a plate the size of Mt. Everest covered in Hand cut fries.

Itching to see how much fun he can have he tries something different.

"ICE CREAM!" She begins her flight across the room when Trouble starts up again.

"NO! APPLE PIE!" as she is halfway back with a gallon of Ice Cream. Without dropping a beat she spins about tossing the ice cream to the kitchen like a frisbee catching an Apple Pie thrown back to her.

But before he can enter Round 4 of "Tease the Waitress" Mr. Buike pulls out a can of compressed air inverted.

"FREEEZE!" He yells as the can of Boiling Cold chemical sprays Mr. Trouble on the fingers.

He yelps back.

Rodney puts the can away. "No. Bad Friday Funny Guy. No teasing the waitress. Waitress friend."

Mr. Trouble learns quickly. Lessons are important.

Lesson 1. Don't get caught.

So soon lunch begins. Rodney makes a careful note to make sure Trouble is told. "You ordered this. You have to eat everything in front of you."

And so he does. The Burger. Every bite, seed and crumb. Finished. Fries. Every last steaming morsel. Gobbled.

Apple Pie. Every crumb finished. Nothing spared. Then the tablecloth and the plates. Mr. Trouble begins chomping up the paper tablecloth and tries to gnaw on the plates.

Again with the inverted Compressed Air. "Tssssssssss...."

He yelps back.

"NO! Bad Friday Funny Guy. Only eat the FOOD!"

And so Trouble begins eating Rodney's food.

"AIGH!" Again the spray can. More yelping.

"Only YOUR food."

Mr. Trouble continues on Rodney's food. Rodney is quite confused on this. Until he realized something. Mr. Trouble is like a computer. He requires EXPLICIT instructions.

Lesson 2. Do not give Mr. Trouble instructions that are open to interpretation.

He sprays again. "This is my food. No touch!" pointing vehemently at the mostly eaten plate.

"No!" barks Mr. Trouble. "This WAS your food!" letting out a rather rude and violent *burp* as if to enunciate his point.

It was true. The plate was cleaned as Rodney stated his point. A little late.

With lunch done before it started, Mr. Buike decided to get a beer. He walked up to the bar for a few minutes to order one since the waitress was completely exhausted.

Which brings us to Lesson 3. Do not leave Mr. Trouble alone. EVER!

It seems the waitress forgot to pick up the menu. A menu with MANY words to order things with.

No sooner does Mr. Buike return to the table than he sees a rather large cornucopia of food spread across the table, chairs, floor and one very dis-shevled burnt out waitress. One who is quickly resembling a Harpie. A very unhappy Harpie at that.

She stares Rodney down. "We....have...a....policy!" *gasp* *pant* "No pets allowed!"

Mr. Buike is concerned until he sees the "surprise" left on the ground.

His head drops to the table. Or where the table should have been. It was actually a rather large plate of Mashed Potatoes coated in gravy.

He pulls out his partially Jello covered Palm750w. He calls Damir.

"Damir. Any chance you have a leash and a collar? No. No. Don't ask. Just hurry. And perhaps a large Uhaul. Yes. I'm going to be making a rather large donation to the food bank. No. No. Please don't ask. I'll supply the beer."

Ye110wbeard's First Silverlight Attempt

Tue, 18 Mar 2008 01:55:58 GMT

Welcome to Co-location - Population You

Tue, 18 Mar 2008 00:05:42 GMT

I am standing outside the doors of our new Co-location facility.

The icy winds cut into my neck and almost knock me down.

It is 1:00am on a Tuesday morning. Prompt 24 access it said on the ad.

“Promptly let me freeze to death. Find your body in the morning” is what it should have stated.

At 2:00am a little man shows up. I show my piece of ice encrusted ID, mumble the magic phrase and do the secret handshakes.

He pauses for a moment. "I'll need to verify the passphrase with my boss". As he quickly bolts inside (where it's warm!) leaving me outside (where it's cold).

I wait.

And wait.

And further still WAIT.

Time passes on. I suggest to myself there must be some minor phone issues to slow him down.

I begin doing a little dance to try and warm myself up. A passing street bum takes pity on me. He offers me a swig from what's left of his whiskey.

I grimace and politely decline. If I have that, the security guard will probably end up learning afterwards the difference between emotionally detached and physically detached.

I do however take him up on his kind offer of starting up a roaring campfire from all the coffee cups left behind by previous colo customers.

A short while after the guard returns with my ID. "So sorry for the wait." he states in monotone.

Unable to move my fingers anymore, I grasp it in my teeth nodding numbly as we pass through the gate.

"One moment." he again has me wait. I look beyond to see the why. Security at this site is indeed tight.

Off in the distance I can see several automated machine gun turrets manned by semi disreputable sysadmins. I can see various potholes created by landmines that have gone off in the hallway. Large vicious Jack Russell terriers stand at bay ready to tear apart my shoelaces.

And the final piece, a large bucket of "Cream of Wheat" sitting on a bit string to dump on anybody trapped within the Malay man catcher.

This was some bad ass security. All this for $9.95 a month too. Wonder where they saved?

So now time for the trip downstairs to our server. We step past the bails of chicken wire and cross the threshold to the elevator. Into this domain I enter. The four levels of elevator doors close behind me as security presses the "ST" button.

"ST?" I mumbled. What could that be?

As if hearing my thoughts security answered "Sub Terra. 35 stories below ground."

Wow. Bomb proof too! What a bargain.

Finally we hit the bottom level. The doors open.

The first thing I notice is the glowing red alarm lights and klaxons going off.

"Keeps the mice out." again with that psychic guard hearing my thoughts.

So we pass through the quad layered elevator doors into the hall. Down the passages, deeper and deeper. Further into the catacombs of the deeper server collocation rooms until we stop.

“Room 555, your room sir.” He swipes the security card, turns the double keys, does “Shave and a haircut” on the door and clicks his heels twice.

The door opens.

The first thing I notice is the smell and the darkness.

No. Not true. I lied.

The FIRST thing I noticed was the security guard’s boot hitting me in the rear end knocking me into the room.

And the door slamming shut with an evil maniacal laugh outside of it.

THEN I noticed the smell and the darkness.

As my eyes adjust to the light, I see why the package was so low in price. The room is full of skeletons. And a few very long bearded people. The oldest gestures with a crooked arm to what appears to be a large hamster wheel, with wires running off it.

“Ruuuuun….” Is all the voice would croak out. “Run to live! Run for power.”

The voices chant in unison. “Ruuuuun. Run to live! Run for power.”

I stand and pause. A thought passes in front of me as I enter the wheel to run the generators.

“Should have opted for the Gold package.”

Excuses Excuses

Thu, 06 Mar 2008 23:27:58 GMT

How many times have you done this. Come up with an excuse.

"I'm sick."

"Why?"

"I coughed up a lung and I'm fighting the cat to get it back."

"Ok then. Make sure you come in tomorrow."

Right. For whatever reason, you didn't do something, couldn't go somewhere, needed to figure something out or just felt like a lazy clout.

You could provide a proper logical reason for the situation in reason to occur, so a made up one was required. And the more plausible the better, right?

But of course an excuse is just that. So any reason, no matter how implausible should probably be ok.

Sure.

What could you come up though? What if that party was just a LITTLE overdone and you couldn't figure out any logical way to explain it to the boss in the morning? What if you REALLY got carried off that weekend and no was not any reasonable way to put it down to words.

Well then my friend you need, An excuse.

They can be ready, handily available, easy to acquire and cheap.

And if you're going to get fired for your little booboo. Make a real DOOZY of an excuse. After all, it might make for some interesting ice breaker at your next interview.

So picture Mr (or Mrs, Ms, It, AlienBeing) on that particular Monday morning.

"Smith. It's 11:00am and you're really late. You better have a darn good reason."
"Yes I know, and it's completely out of my hands but I can explain. Really."

"Explain. Please. After all half the morning is gone."

"Well let's start off with Friday night..."

"Friday night?"

"Well yes.... My car broke down on Friday after both rear wheels fell off at once."

"Sounds like a stroke of bad luck. Standard Auto membership or tow should have solved that."

"So did I until the tow truck showed up. It was fine until the tow truck driver grabbed me tied me to the truck and drove me off. Luckily I escaped."

"Uhuh."

"Well I know I sounds a bit hard to believe but I've the scrapes to prove it. So I ran into the nearest town to try and get some help and then a large light opened up above me. I thought 'Wow the police!'

"Good for you, still doesn't explain this 11:00am visit from you I see..."

"Well I'm getting to that. Turns out the light was actually a large fleet of flying saucers."

"..*Cough*... you were abducted by aliens? THAT's why you're late?! Oh for. I've heard some stupid...."

"No no no. That would have gotten me earlier. They heard my predicament and were quite kind to help out. You those aliens get a really bad rap for abducting humans? In fact they were the most gracio...."

"I don't care about your visit with the Aliens or exploding car tires or horny Tow truck drivers... WHY ARE YOU LATE?!"

"Well I was GETTING to that. That was Friday night. They picked me up and were going to drop me off at home when they hit a small bump in the space time continuum. We speed off and took a dive into false logic, got wrapped into a plot twist while spinning a new thought into bright idea."

"The partially dried jelly all over your shirt and pants? The sneakers hanging out of your pants? The bra wrapped about your head?!"

"Well yes, it was a bump. A big one. And we had to grab some coffee and donuts at Saturn on the way in."

"But the BRA?!?!"

"Oh those cushion the shock of entering Earth's atmosphere or so I am told. I don't space travel on a regular basis so I wouldn't really understand any of this. ZsiTrel is more of an expert in that area."

"...ZsiTrel?"

"The leader of the aliens sir. He/It was the one who dropped me off at reception this morning."

Steam is pouring from the boss' neck at this point.

"Look. I have one question. Just answer this honestly. Ok?"

"... Mmmmm ... ok..."

"What did you get Friday night, how much does it cost.... And where can I get it?"

Heres comes {TROUBLE}

Mon, 03 Mar 2008 13:22:18 GMT

It's early. REAL Early.

Mr. Trouble somehow survived his little Voluntold session a bit embarrassed but unscathed. And now he's on the loose again.

Yep. You guessed it. He found the "Heroes happen {HERE} bit launch in Toronto.

Oh they TRIED to hide it but not successfully. The millions of banner ads, web advertising, blog posts, emails from Technet. None of it was sufficient to hide anything from Mr. Trouble.

And now that he'd found it what was there to do?

Well he was here as stated early. Early could mean complications for the team at Microsoft Canada. BIG complications.

Being early also meant one other thing. Less security and he could wander.

Uhoh.

With a Tilley hat on to disguise himself as Rick Claus, he began to look in and out doors.

Pretty boring actually. Not much happening. And this was supposed to be some big LAUNCH or something. He'd heard a rumor that three key products from Microsoft were being released today. Server 2008, SQL Server 2008 and Visual Studio 2008. But if it was a launch, shouldn't there be some kind of "Launch pad?"

Opening a few more doors about the Direct Energy Centre he found one marked "DO NOT OPEN - NO - REALLY IMPORTANT - STAY AWAY". So of course that meant only one thing.

Open it.

It did seem to contain some kind of lock but nothing a few good gnaws at the door handle and big padlock could deal with. So in a few minutes of biting (this is after all 'Mr. Trouble') the Holy Room was opened. Revealing STACKS upon STACKS of Software media.

Holy music and organs played as bright lights came from the center.

"The Launch Pad!" he squealed in awe.

But there was something off. Something missing. Something not right on this "Launch Pad".

"Aha!" our little gremlin discovered. "There is nothing to 'Launch' it with.

Thinking quickly, the little rascal looked into his laptop bag. Amazing what you can fit into laptop bags.

"One box of surplus Fireworks from July 1st." He thought. This should grandly help out the Launch. I'm certain it must have been an afterthought on their part.

Continuing to wander he noticed a really large doors. Even larger bolder letters posted on it. "NOW IF YOU DID'T READ THE LAST SIGN - READ THIS - THIS MEANS STAY OUT - WE MEAN IT - SERIOUSLY!"

Now strangely this WASN'T locked which made things on both the Writer and Mr. Trouble easier. But this was I think a quick peek.

And it was well worth the peek. For inside he found the team. An odd site to see. For some odd reason they looked like they'd been awake for three weeks solid.

Rodney Buike was sitting at a table with a laptop with what appeared to be his seventh 'RedBull'. Christ! He was even moving faster than Mr. Trouble on his worst days.

Rick Claus was busy trying to reassemble several servers with a mouth full of croissants after Rodney had found a screwdriver, and in the midst of a rather large caffeine fit; Had begun disassembling several Dual Quad Core Xeon servers. "Why?!" was all Rick could keep mumbling and cursing as bits of croissant flew out of his mouth into the servers.

The reason was obvious of course to Rodney. For optimal performance each part had to be re inspected for tiny Dust Bunnies that had broken loose from his desk. He needed to kill off each and every one before they got out. It was of course clear to him.

Damir Bersinic looked like a beast from Hell with his glowing red eyes. SQL server 2008 was just NOT the right colour for his taste as he was bitterly arguing on the phone with the developers. Christian and Jean-Luc were trying to hold Damir down and pull the phone out of his hands but with no luck. SQL Server 2008 needed to be PERFECT. And in Damir's eyes the wrong colour and being up for two weeks made that apparent to him.

Ruth Morton was laying in the back between a series of propped up chairs. Hair in a complete disarrray. Moaning to the world "SLEEEEEEEP! I NEED SLEEEEEEEEEEP!"

Barnaby Jeans was almost impossible to miss. Camera bags to the left, camera bags to the right. Tripods lenses and bags of Digital Media Sticks. Gee I wonder what he was up to today?

John Oxley, Mark Relph barking orders left right and center trying to Rick to quickly reassemble those servers which Rodney had disassembled. All Rodney could say to do that was "AAGIHAGI! Give me five minutes! I can Robocopy them onto my laptop! No problem. Lickety split. Fix fix! AIAGHH!"

No more RedBulls for Rodney.

So quietly Mr. Trouble backed away from there. Even HE could not have created a nightmare like that.

Ahh... 8:00 food area was open. Now to make sure there was something left to eat. He made sure to curse and swear about all the people that died from food poisoning at the last launch. Surely enough as a result, a rather generous area was left in front of all the food tables. He proudly marched up and grabbed an entire plate smothered in croissants and danishes and a full pot of coffee.

"No sense letting this go to waste." He grinned mischievously."

So sitting in the midst of the breakfast sat our little gremlin, chugging down pot after pot of coffee and stuffing his face with croissants. What a little pig.

There was still time to kill and our little mischief maker decided to wander to the many booths. So many companies in one spot. His eyeballs just popped open with wonder. He began to whistle, a tone very suspiciously like the door warning systems at a Zellers.

Security guards began to get twitchy as reached for their BullFrog powered tazers.

And then suddenly a sound could be heard. Cascading above the noise and the hub-bub. The sounds of a guitar rippling above the crowds. A beautiful sound floated out to his ears.

"ROCK BAND!" He shrieked quietly to himself.

Cautiously inching along through the crowds he could see it. The drums, the microphone, the STRATOCASTER.

He could almost feel himself touching it when...

"YOU!"

Mr. Trouble spun about. It was the big Giant Head from the Unified Communications tour. Boy he was a scary site.

"KEYNOTES! NOW! MOVE! I'm shutting this operation down!" The big giant head barked out brandishing a long Canadian Tire extension cord as a whip.

And so cracking the extension cord in the air, he shuffled the many away from the food to the keynote area.

As the many entered the keynote area he could here another noise. As patrons entered the doors to the large keynote area he could hear yelping. Glancing ahead he noticed that the "Laser Scanners" were cranked up a bit on the high side. So rather than patrons getting scanned, they were getting burned. Oh my.

So of course since nobody likes getting burnt, our little fiend did the only thing he could. Rushed the line. Microsoft reps madly tried to control the chaos but to no avail. Trouble was in without a scan.

Quickly he scampered near the front. Old rule of thumb. Hide in plain sight. Excellent eh?

Soon the lights dimmed and music began. A figure wandered to the stage. It was the Great President Phil! He could not believe his eyes! He was almost face to face with the President of Microsoft Canada. Quickly grabbing his camera, he needed a picture of this. "Click Auto focus". The red beam ripped across to the stage. Just in time to temporarily blind President Phil causing him to trip.

"Oh crap!" was all Trouble could mutter quickly hiding his camera and glancing to the left to blame it on somebody else.

Then soon after, President Phil announced a special guest. None other than the Kevin Turner! COO of Microsoft USA! Ironic Mr. Trouble thought how COO and COOL were almost spelt the same.

And again with the Camera. This time too many fuzzy shots with the COO with his back to him. Then for one brief moment, VICTORY. The button was held down, the red laser from the auto focus launched. And for a short brief moment in time, Mr. Turner was trapped like a deer in the headlights. That laser so inviting.

*FLASH*

The bright light of the laser and the camera flash was too much. The COO stood there momentarily blinded. This was also too much for security as they came pouring from all corners, dragging Mr. Trouble back and locking him a cage. "Make fun of OUR COO will you?"

And so the keynote continued without interruption as Rick Claus and Christian Beauclair demonstrated how they were going to shutdown all the coffee shops in Toronto with the new Microsoft Technology. How crafty they were as Mr. Turner congratulated them on their plans.

But in the meantime we have a caged up Mr. Trouble and every word he hears is "Coffee.... coffee... coffee...."

And sure enough, a sound like a dynamo is building up inside the cage. Very akin to hearing the "Tasmanian Devil" only the words coming out were "Coffee! Coffee! COFFEE! COFFEEEEE!!!!!"

That's right folks. As soon as that lunch bell rang (10 minutes early too!) Tasmanian Trouble broke out of the cage knocking attendees and staff left right and center. "Coffee! Coffee!" Yes he was foaming at the mouth too.

And so ripping into the lunch area, he spotted it. The coffee urns! Piping hot coffee urns. Quickly he ran up, dumped his head under the spout. "Glug glug glug". Which was fine until he realized his desire for Coffee overdrove his desire for not getting burned. Two cups into his throat and....

"AIHGAIHGIAHGIHAHGIAGH!!!!! HOT HOT!"

The staff snickered as this little gollum began learning a lesson about impatience.

And so off licking his wounds he crawled off to a small corner with his plastic box of vittles.

Chomping away for a short while, again the magic lute noise of "Rock Band" carried across the waves. This was too much. Mr. Trouble wandered over. But this time, nobody had the Guitar.

"Guitar." the little fiend drooled picking up the Stratocaster. Getting heavily into round and completing the song, There was but one thing to do.

*SMASH THE GUITAR* and for he would have if it weren't for one of those pesky MVP's. Mitch Garvis looked over. It was a look that you didn't challenge.

"NO!" was what the look said. And you don't challenge people who can say things without speaking. Magic powers you know.

Wandering over to the "Experts Zone" he decided to get the ultimate question answered. "What is the meaning of life." But strangely nobody could or would answer that question. Nuts.

But soon the next gong rang indicating time for more Keynotes and demos. This was going to make his day. Rodney Buike talking about "Hyper-V" and "NAP" after 7 RedBulls. How Ironic. He would be "Hyper" then and taking a "NAP" afterwards.

And of course the first thing to be noticed on the stage was a can of "RedBull" with a Red Eyed shaking Mr. Buike. He actually sounded like that character "Tweek" from SouthPark.

"RedBull! Don't anybody go near my RedBull! Mine Mine Mine! Need to stay awake."

And of course having SAID that the first thing somebody did was sneak up on stage to swipe his RedBull. The phrase "No" doesn't seem to carry the weight it used to.

And so the rest of demo went on without issue with the exception of the odd tazer zap by Rick to wake up Rodney.

Finally demos over, overworked Microsoft staff were finally allowed to take a nap.

But one last trip.

Yes. To the Rock Band demo. Oh joy.

Only this time. No guitar. Just another LazyAdmin called Daniel Nerenberg brandishing a microphone.

"You vill sing for us. Jes?" He grinned evilly.

"But I can't sing. Really!" Mr. Trouble quietly responded.

"No. no. Ve didn't ask if you COULD sing. You VILL sing!"

With several armed guards with fully charged TazerFrogs at the ready, it wasn't like he had a choice.

And so "Orange Crush" from REM broke out. As it did, a complete new and NOT wonderful noise broke out. Trouble singing.

Out in the parking lot dogs were heard to be howling. Large lights were beginning to crack. People were covering their ears! It was like chewing on tinfoil, only WORSE.

The song ended, the remaining band members in the RockBand game, hair frazzled like they'd played with one too many Vandergraft generators.

Mr. Trouble handed the Microphone back.

"Told you I couldn't sing."

Voluntold

Thu, 21 Feb 2008 22:05:06 GMT

There is whispering in the background behind the bushes.

Oh yes. Crafty whispering.

We find this cold Canadian night, three people in an unusual position.

Three key figures from Microsoft Canada dressed all in Black, darkened eyes and huddling and shivering behind bushes drinking Tim Horton's. Cursing.

"When's that little pest going to show up. He'll be late I'll bet you." Mutters Damir.

Looking over to the lot, Ruth and Jean-Luc both confirm.

"Yep. Not there. Little black Tracker you say?" Jean-luc is shaking. Should have worn the WARM black stuff tonight. Black t-shirts just don't cut it in a Canadian winter. Damn swag.

"Oh yeah. Just look a beast coated in tie wraps, held together by sheer force of will. There's probably a 5 inch viewing space for the driver to see out of. Box of junk really." Damir nodded along shaking away.

And somewhere in the night. A noise. A horrible noise. Rattling banging. Rumbling as is some ancient beast had rolled out of the gates of Hell itself.

"HIM!" Ruth cursed under her breath.

Sure enough rumbling, rattling, klunking through the roadways was an Ugly Geo Tracker. Held together by bits of Duct tape. Tie wraps holding the fenders down. Wheels a part of somebody's bad nightmare from a junkyard.

And behind the wheel, a small little madman. Balder than a cue ball. Worn Tilley hat on the head. Shaking like a gerbil with a can of Rockstar.

Ye110wbeard, Sean Kearney, Friday Funny Guy.....Mr. Trouble. The bane of Microsoft Canada's existence. A rogue technician not working for them, but in some ways against them. Hard to control and difficult to keep back from a loaded twitter app.

A general nuisance. And now a time to deal with this problem.

Damir crouched like a cat ready to pounce. "Ok everybody. Careful.... Just wait til he's within sight."

The silly fool wandered out of his little beast, piles of Tim Horton's cups pouring out along with invoices, bits of paper and receipts falling behind him. Something not quite documented stuck to the back of his leg. Slamming the car door shut a muffler falls off and part of the back hatch. Quickly tying it all with bungee cords he ambles towards the entrance.

Closer he moves towards the doorway.

He doesn't see or hear anything. He's whistling a goofy tune and juggling some stale Donuts from Krispy Kreme.

Then quickly they leap. Pounce. *BLAM*. Sacks of old NT Server 4 Media combined with plastic "swag bags" covering his head. He was quickly tied up with a big pile of Cat 6e Lan cable to keep him from struggling.

"THERE!" cried Ruth with glee. "Finally! Some piece and quiet. And now to really get him under control."

And so the treo hauled in the bound and gagged character into the meeting area for Heroes Happen Hear: Community Event. Laid out in front of the stage. The hood was removed.

The lights hurt his eyes as he stared out at he audience of over three hundred. What did they have in store.

And then, the circle. A very large semi circle seemingly composed of most members of Microsoft Canada. Spotlights came down on each one as they spoke.

"Lord Damir eh?" spake the wise bald one.

"Squirrels in my office?" stared down Ruth.

"N-code?! N-CODE?!" barked off Jean-Luc.

"Nay little troublemaking one." Damir glowered over him. For tonight YOU will entertain us. and THEM."

A large crooked hand gestured out to a crowd of hundreds.

Mr. Trouble balked. Large crowds. No. No he wouldn't.

It was at that point the Jean-Luc held out "Frankenstein" his beloved laptop. "We wouldn't want to see your little friend 'formatted' would we?"

Giggles and snarls of glee could be heard without. And soon in the background that tune began. The bane of his existence.

"Highway to PowersHell".

"SING!" they barked in Unison. "AND DANCE! DANCE FOR US VILE CREATURE!"

Oh he tried. But the notes. No human could hit Audacity modified pitches and speeds.

And again with the laptop. A large HERF gun was pointed at Frankenstein. And as the fingers grazed it's "LAUNCH" button threatening to load mounds of EMP into the poor unit. That threat was enough. Mr. Trouble shrieked.

"...I'm using POWERSHELL!!!...." Notes so shrill it would make a banshee cry for mercy.

"...I'm using POWERSHELL!!!..." A sound Satan himself would run from.

And then the dancing. Faster. Faster! FASTER!!!

The crowd shrieked with joy as the madman ran about. The built up coffee from years of abuse released itself.

The Lords of Microsoft grinned evilly. Revenge was at last theirs.

Until. (What you didn't think a Friday Funny would not involve an UNTIL with Mr. Trouble involved?)

It didn't dawn on Anybody some common pieces to Mr. Trouble.

The Bald head (like Damir)

The Tilley hat (like Rick)

but did anybody bother to look down at his feet?!

Nope. A mistake there. They were moving fast. Damn fast. Fast enough for friction. Friction produces heat. Which produces......

"SMOKE!" Cried out Ruth "There's SMOKE from his feet!"

Sure enough. All that dancing combined with one item he had snagged from eBay.

A pair of flaming shoes like Rodney. Flaming shoes. Funny thing is Rodney doesn't dance like a madman on Rockstar. Bet those shoes were never tested for.....

"FIRE!" screamed hundreds as they scrambled for cover and Mr. Trouble's frantic skipping and dancing running created a small but powerful bonfire. Smelt funny too. Smelt like burning plastic. Plastic from...

"THE SERVERS!" shrieked Rick and Rodney practicing their keynotes in the back area. They leapt to action.

Rick quickly picked up Rodney and began using him to douse the flames, beating him down on the maw like an old mat. John and Barnaby grabbed the nearest set of MVP's and began bashing down doors to clear a pathway for themselves using the MVP's as battering rams. Christian and the rest of the Developers grabbed as many leftover laptops to resell in the parking lot to their unlucky owners. President Phil hopped into his Emergency Escape pod for just such occasions. (What YOU don't have one of these?)

And in all of this confusing and chaos and bad plot twists stood Mr. Trouble. Suddenly realizing others were now leaving he did too.

Bring the trail of flaming fire with him.

MORE SCREAMS!

"AIAGHGHGH! He's on fire! Run!"

"AIAHGIHA!! He's still got a laptop! RUN!"

"HE'S STILL SINGING!!! RUUUUNNNNN!!!"

And so the greatest stampede ever proceeded. One so great, it would pay homage to the Who concert's of the 80's.

Doors shattered, bushes trampled, cars flipped. Tim Horton's was set ablaze throughout the night.

They would speak of that day many years later. The songs that were written by the many that survived. All agreed on one thing.

"They should have got us William Shatner that year, better dancer too...."

Highway to PowersHell Gerbils Snack Time

Tue, 19 Feb 2008 04:51:39 GMT

The Ways of the Fork - Be wise in it

Tue, 19 Feb 2008 01:44:15 GMT

These are thoughts that came to me one day de-fragging an Exchange database.

It also involved a few too many Twitters. But for all. Learn.

Obiwan speaking to Luke using the wrong utensil on soup. "Use the fork wisely."

Yoda to Luke. "You must learn the ways of the fork if you are to come with me to lunch."

Obiwan after a bizarre silverware accident. "The fork binds us."

Obiwan poking Stormtroopers. "The fork can be strong on the week rumped."

Luke after he tripped and hit Leia with silverware. "The fork is in my sister."

Obiwan looking at rusty tableware. "You must avoid the DARK side of the fork."

Yoda threatening a mugger. "The fork is a POWERFUL ally."

Luke hearing the doctor after his eating got too 'ambitious'. "The fork will be with you... always."

Yoda as he is eating a steak. "The fork is strong in this one."

Sayings heard at the Tatooine Cantina. "Luke. Use the fork Luke!"

and finally commenting on Anakin's filthy table habits. "Vader likes the dark side of the fork."

All all out there. Be cautious with thy Twitters. One is fun. One hundred is dangerous... :)

Adventures of the Lost SmartPhone

Tue, 05 Feb 2008 19:54:11 GMT

Hey everybody! I'm an IT Professional.

I'd like to introduce you all to my little friend. My car.

My car and I are having a little dispute. It seems it thinks I don't keep it clean. The nerve!

I mean if you looked inside you mind think it to be a little cluttered. I guess.

It all started yesterday morning. I went to get my laptop out of the car and dropped my SmartPhone. My car just sat there laughing at me.

I mean a SmartPhone on a floor. That's that a hard thing to do. Only had to move a few things out of the way.

So I opened the back hatch to pull out the six foot ladder and two or three boxes of cable. Shifted two or three (was it four?) computers onto the ground. I thought that would be it.

Then I looked at the floor. OR more CORRECTLY where the floor should be. And then I began to moved aside the cups, and the wrappers, and the french fries.

A&W, Harvey's, McDonalds, Burger King. Krispy Kreme, Tim Hortons, Coffee Time. I think I found just about EVERY MAJOR fast food restaurant there.

Then deeper. DEEPER into the maw.

I began calling the SmartPhone off my cordless. It cried back but nowhere could it be found. It had fallen into the pit of despair. Yes. Under the seat somewhere.

Under the Canadian Tire money, coupons, napkins and old straws. Somewhere beyond an old copy of the "Sun" and behind a box of "Timbits" that had been long forgotten was my poor friend the SmartPhone.

The Car sat there unhelpful and snickering at my situation. Cars are not very helpful when seeking out lost SmartPhones.

As I went to reach underneat a loose 12volt power wire leapt out and bit me. The Car roared with laughter by this point.

I reached for the prybar to threaten the car back into submission. But it didn't care. It was a car and had my SmartPhone held hostage. Evil creature that it was.

And so I ventured further into the jungle that was under the seat, all the time hearing my SmartPhone crying out for me. And then for a moment, for a BRIEF moment I thought I had pulled it out. Pulled my little friend the SmartPhone to freedom. But alas. It was an old Mars bar that somehow survived the stand of time. It was at that point I knew I was in trouble.

Yes.

The SmartPhone had fallen into the most vile and dangerous areas of an IT Professionals car. The one spot MOST cluttered and muckered over. The spot only useful for sitting laptops on and doing invoices and presentations.

The passenger seat.

It was then I knew things were about to get serious.

So further into the darkness my hands roamed. Attacked and accosted by old candies, bit's of oil and some surprisingly full coffee cups. Full of what nobody could tell but it was definitely not any type of safe substance.

Past years of neglected newpapers, old lan cables, disused connectors to equipment long gone. The SmartPhone's cries were getting weaker now as the battery level lowered. And soon I spotted her. In the most difficult of all spots it was stuck.

Down the side of the seat. Where NO HUMAN could possibly reach. And so a difficult choice. My car or my SmartPhone.

Thinking... car or SmartPhone.... what a choice.

So off to the house I went getting some handy ratchets and sockets to remove the seat. Possibly a torch if necessary. For my Smartphone was NOT about to become the "Snack of the Day" for my car. NO Siree!

And so a few minutes later, the car sat there in agony now short a passenger seat, removed like a bad wisdom tooth.

I sat there cradling my poor SmartPhone wagging a finger at the evil car.

Then a small problem. How to deal with this mess.

Would YOU want to put all this back in your car? I certainly wouldn't.

And so the most simplest solution of all presented itself.

I had a yard sale.

Heroes Happen Here - Technet Quiz - Real Super Secret Hidden Answers

Tue, 05 Feb 2008 03:05:41 GMT

What are the Hardware requirements to be able to install and use the Windows hypervisor based virtualization solution called Hyper-V?

Well duh! I think you need a computer. That was a hard one. C'mon Rick. Let's see some tricky ones.

Network Access Protection (NAP) is a platform to perform computer health policy enforcement exclusively at logon for Windows Vista. It requires an upgrade of all your domain controllers to Windows Server 2008 and be operating in Server 2008 Native Mode.

Ahhh. Him and these darn tricky answers. First you forgot. In order to actually USE NAP you need a NETWORK attached to that COMPUTER from the previous answer. "Operating System"... "Features"... What a load of malarky!

Which of the following applications are installed with a Windows Server 2008 Core installation - choose all that apply.?

Well I hate to tell you but the only stuff in a Core is seeds, stems and maybe a bit of rind. I have no clue what THIS has to do with computers. NEXT!

Terminal Services in Windows Server 2008 includes a feature which allows the program appear as if it is running on the client desktop.

OH! OH! I know this one! It's called.... A MONITOR!

Windows Server 2008 uses the 'Initial Configuration Tasks' window to configure the most common administrative tasks associated with a new server setup. It also allows administrators to configure roles (primary functions) and features (supporting functions) to simplify the setup and deployment of new servers in a secure fashion.

No it doesn't. What it does it distract you while it unloads your ram and turns the computer back into a "Core" version. Shame on you sneaky Microsoft Technet guys.

Windows Server 2008 introduces the ability to have fine grained password policies that can be applied to users and groups within the active directory domain.

Well sure. Depends on the grain of course. I prefer bran and wheat mixed into my passwords. Goes well with a big bowl of beer. Another good grain based product.

A Read Only Domain Controller is a new type of domain controller in the Windows Server 2008 Operating system. They are deployed in environments like branch offices where physical security cannot be guaranteed. Which is not one of the installation requirements for deploying an RODC?

Well one of the requirements NOT required is an "invisible computer". They're just not very helpful. I tried.

IIS 7 provides developers and administrators with a unified configuration system for storing all IIS and ASP.NET settings inside a single XML format file. This allows for a true xcopy deploy of websites and their configuration settings between IIS servers and web administrators

Huh. I'll bet they're lying. You could do that with a photocopier I'll bet. Yup yup. Quicker too.

What is the command you run to list the roles and their install status on a 2008 Server core computer?

"Open oven. Pull out tray. Examine roles..." Oh sorry. I was reading a Betty Crocker manual before this.

In order to load the Hyper-V role on a 2008 Server Core computer you must first run the following command:

"SHAZAM!"

To Tweet or not to Tweet

Fri, 01 Feb 2008 11:51:09 GMT

To Tweet or not to Tweet; That is the Question
Whether tis nobler to dump the mind to others
letting random thoughts flow thoughout the web
Or to hold by thy arms against a sea of strokes;
and by withholding them? Quiet. Some peace.
Silence. And by the silence we say endeth
the hammering of others, a thousand notifies out
that is the err of human. Tis an abbomincation
never to be wanted. To pause, to think;
And to think, re-examine the thought; before to post
What within that time the post should not be?
What would be of it? For the thought, tho not twittered
would still be. But not posting may yet lose
the thought to time and it's shortened life.
For who could bear the tweets and chirps of him
who could not holdeth back the simplest of thoughts
The notifies which floweth though the day
Which breaketh into life and meetings thus.
The patient may bear the onslaught for a time
pressing the muteth button more than naught
allowingest the thought to flow and live
yet crushing others within it's path
But the dread of the twitter who naught
in letter the thought fly; the pause to think;
may yet cause pain to his own self.
Yet to bear the pain and withold strife
And not let fly to others and thus bring peace.
Tis that not a thought itself that could be?
But should that thought let fly and be the
death of itself and it's desires.
And enterprises of others to feel the thought
and smasheth thy phones in response to the
blast it bring forth. Mute ye pest.
Back to the denizens from whence ye came
Chooseth an alternate account and sinneth no more

The Dark Side of 'Geek'

Mon, 28 Jan 2008 16:07:59 GMT

The young geek enters the room. The sounds and smell of technology fill the air. Blips and bleeps echo throughout the room.

A presence fills the air.

It is the Lord of Geeks. The young one looks up.

"What is it you seek my son?" the old one whispers quietly.

"I seek," the young one squeeks out in a voice that would shatter glass; "Wisdom."

"Wisdom is granted at a price. The price can be your life if you are not careful. The ways of 'Geek' are not for the weak." The ancient one rhymes badly.

"I am ready to learn the ways of the 'Geek' O Master. Teach me now."

"Now now." the elder one speaks slowly. "Patience is the first step on the path of the 'Geek'. You must learn patience. Without patience you can end up walking down

to the 'Dark Side'."

"The Dark Side?" the younger one intones with deep inquiring thought.

"Yes the Dark Side of 'Geekiness'." echoes the master. "For once you cross down the 'Dark Side' of 'Geek' forever will it rule your destiny."

"What is the 'Dark Side'?"

"The 'Dark Side' is a dangerous element of the 'Geek'. Once a student of mine called 'Ye110wbeard' was seduced by the 'Dark Side'."

"What happened O Master?"

"The 'Dark Side' consumed and enveloped him. Caused him to do terrible things." shuddered the old one.

"O Master. What did the Dark Side do to him?" eeped the little one.

The old one paused. He winced at the thoughts that came forth.

"Friday Funnies...."

"NOOOOO!" shrieked the little one.

"Yes. It was terrible. The 'Dark Side' of 'Geek' consumed him. First Friday Funnies. Then jibjab pokes. And then the most horrid of all things."

The little one sat there. Wide eyed crunching on popcorn. Eyes intent on the story.

"Mp3s! He did Mp3's that sounded like a squirrel on crack. Eventually a video."

"ACK!" the young one fell over on his heels.

"Yes the 'Dark Side' of Geek is indeed powerful. But a quick and easy path it is to take."

"You might learn the ways of 'Geek' if you are to accompany me to Redmond little one."

The little one popped up on his feet. "Forget that!". Spinning about he burst out of the door flames flying behind him.

The old one sat.

"I lose more recruits this way..." The old one shook his head sadly.

Highway to PowersHell - the Video

Mon, 28 Jan 2008 01:51:58 GMT

Please note. This was done with a VERY VERY VERY low budget.

It 's Cheezier than an Octuple layer Cheeze Pizza.

No gerbils were harmed in the making of this video. Some "Rockstars" were hurt though