“So where we off to next, 7th floor?”

The cleaning staff were having a normal uneventful night.   A few tissues here, wipe a desk there.  The normal kind of Wednesday night you would expect.

“Yup.  7th floor.  Woohoo.  Maybe we’ll have to empty a trash can.  Yep excitement whoa.”

And so, rolling into the elevator carts at hand they went in.

“Press the button with your foot this time, let’s do something exciting.  I’ll bet ya Ten bucks you can’t do it.”

Yes truly an exciting night of daring “button pressing with toes” contests.

The button was pressed, the ten spot was paid and the elevator hummed into a yawning lulling action.  A slight bump and three point nine seconds later, the 7th floor was entered.

*Ding*

The doors opened revealing the sounds of Hell itself unleashed. Creaking sounds of walls giving way met their ears.  Smoke.  Bodies everywhere.  Some explosions still going off in the background.  Fire alarms ringing through the background.

"What the @!?@#?!@” they looked each in Unison.

And slowly towards them.  One body moved.  Crawling with it’s slow inching efforts.  Clutching a book.  it’s gnarled hand, that of a Network Administrator reached up.  Pulling them down to meet its ragged remains.

“Take this….” the poor thing gasped “….war…warn others…..Let our fate… not….be…….forgotten.” He pressed a bloody burnt book into their hands.

They looked at each other incredulous.  “What happened?  What caused all this?” they wondered out loud.

The Network Administrator looked up with dying eyes.  A final single gasp escaped his lips.  Almost barely above a whisper.

“Auditors….” it gasped “Auditors!” as life left him to grab a coffee somewhere else.

They looked at ruined book in their hands.  The remains of a manager’s daytimer.  Carefully they opened it.

“A diary…” one of them gasped.

They began to read.

——————————————————————————————————

8:30.  Checked in with Susie from accounting.  Submitted expenses.  Had coffee and shared donuts with VP of Procurements.

8:45.  Contacted supplier regarding new Cisco Catalyst switches and routers.   Due to receive new hardware.  Sent e-mail to supervisor confirming shipment underway

8:49.  Sounds of rumbling and drums coming from the elevator.   Clanging of metal.  Must be a late Hallowe’en party.  Note to self.  Get costume for staff party later on this week.

8:56.  Yelling.  Screaming.   Sounds of swordplay.  I peek through the crack in the door.   I see CEO’s being lined up against a wall in reception against their will.  Sabers pointed at them by Gentlemen carrying black suitcases. “AUDITORS!” The President shouts.  “How dare you!” His Blackberry is yanked from him in response and smashed to bits.  He breaks down in tears. The rest quickly fall in line.

9:27.  I have managed to escape the initial onslaught by crawling inside the wiring channels in the server room and hiding within the ductwork.  I can hear screaming and yelling from various divisions.  I am helpless to provide assistance.  What can I do?  I am a lowly Network Administrator and they are armed with subpoenas.  I am no match for them.

10:33.  They have dragged the entire staff of the call centre into a small room.  They are beating on the walls with a Smiley Face found on a desk.  “Tell us the truth!  Tell us what we want to know!  We may go lightly on you.  There was yelling and screaming from the Call Centre staff.  And then an odd silence.

10:48.  Found an old Jelly Baby in the ductwork.  Managed to provide some sustenance with the lack of an available coffee or water break.  I can sounds of fires in the background.

11:02.  I have managed to evade the captors thus far.  I am balanced barely above an exhaust vent in the lunch room.   I see my fellow members from I.T. cornered by a fat one with a large wiring fish being swung about.   “You will give us what we want or the coffee machine gets it!” I hear many screams from my fellow staff members.   Bravado takes over the Development team as they leap towards the auditor.  They almost get him until he whips out their hard copies of the source code and lights it ablaze.   They scrambled to recover the burning remains.  The Systems Administrator passes out as the Starbucks machine is kicked into nothingness.  I pass out from the sight of a destroyed coffee machine.

11:57.  I awake and can hear many of the support staff gathering together forming a resistance movement.   Sounds and singing of “We Shall Prevail” echo throughout the duct work.  I see bloodied remains of one auditors clutching a file folder in the middle of a hallway.  A sense of Bravado fills me.

12:40.  The hour of the Administrative Assistants.  Armed with handsets, bad attitude and Platinum Visa Cards they marched upon the Auditors.   I could smell the fear in the eyes of the Auditors.   The tide would turn I thought.

13:21.  Many of the Auditors littered the office with Cisco handsets embedded in the rear ends screaming in agony or sitting down in Herman Muller chairs crying over ridiculously overcharged expenses on Platinum Visas.  The tide is beginning to turn.

13:22.  Phones ring throughout the office.   An emergency PTA meeting has been called and 99% of the Administrative Staff leave for their children.  A cry roars up from the Auditors sensing a change in the tide.   The remaining staff moan in terror.  I gasp in shock.

13:39.  R&D Division puts up a fierce battle.  With the remaining I.T. Staff, some Co-op students,  A single CEO and VP and Johnny the Mail Clerk a final stand is held. I hear gunfire.  Swords.   Screaming and Explosions.

15:35.  All is quiet.  I dare not look.   Some ruffling of papers.

16:00.  I hear voices.  “Looks like they checked out.   Nothing bad. Pretty much in order. I particularly liked their Data Centre”  another voice “Yes I expected worse. I wish they hadn’t put up such a fight.  I was feeling pretty flexible today.  That receptionist was giving me the eye. Wish I hadn’t knocked her unconscious with that copy of the Yellow Pages from Metro” a Third voice. “Really?  I felt pretty bad about the Starbucks machine myself.”

16:01. Auditors enter elevator.  *Ding* is heard from far away.  Perhaps a better life.

16:38.  I can barely see.  Dirty ducts.  Lack of Lunch.  Poisoned Jelly Baby.  My body is wracked with pain.  I don’t know how much more I can take… tell me wife I love her and my children.   And to make sure drive P: is erased with Military Encryption……

17:23. Voices again.  Did they return to finish the remaining off.  I can barely see, hear, speak.  I fall.  Pain greets me.  The duct collapses. I lay about on the ground passed out.

17:24.  Must bring this to the voices…… the Cleaning staff…. must tell…. Let others be spared our fate.  Paperwork. Diligence.  Industry Standards. ITIL. MOF.  W-5. *ack* … *gasp*…..Dragging my body…. Good bye world.  Tell Steve Ballmer I love him.   I bought stock in Commodore.   I once had sex with an APPLE II… *** gasssssp ***