When you wake up the first thing you do is start looking for your shotguns and appropriate ammo.

When you walk around you find yourself hugging the walls and looking for potential targets.

You never just walk across the sidewalk, it always takes a "Dive and Roll" action.

You don't bother swatting a fly, you grab a large prybar and scream "Back in your hole!"

Spiders give you the creeps.  More than normally so.

You start "Buffing up" so you can look like your character in the game.

You start screwing up and "scratching yourself severely" shaving for the same reason

You forget to start shaving.

When you see a piece of crap on the ground, you grab it and yell "INCOMING FRAG!"

You begin blowing up and incinerating the local cars to keep the bugs away.

Propane tanks oddly begin getting shot about the local houses.

You begin sneaking up on people screaming "BOOMER!"

the phrase "Good to Go" comes out of your mouth almost anytime you pick up something cool.

You learn to do the "Wall dance" just to impress neighbours.  But nobody is.

You're itching for a shotgun whenever you see large black dogs.

You imagine hitting things from a far distance with an arrow, and watching them explode.

You start spinning left and right to try and experience that "Cool panning effect"

Everytime you run somewhere, you bolt down quickly crouching

and most importantly

You point laser pointers at objects waiting for a large flaming light to pour down.

The large throng of groupies hanging about the xBox360. Hard to explain to the wife.

The campfires burning in the basement and the remainders of some others.

Floor is littered in water bottles and chip bags as well as wrappers from hot dogs.

"Peace" and "Anarchy" symbols have been spray painted on everything, including the dog.

Large throngs of police cars are circling your house for weeks afterwards.

All of your neighbours are saying "Dude" after every phrase.

You seem to be missing a front lawn, and a back one too. Just trampled dirt. There is also a few extra tents left up with a few people still there.

The car is upside down with more of those darn "Peace" symbols.

So is the cat.

Somehow all of your children have inherited "Hippie" names. Your daughter is now "Moon" your

Son has decided he is "the Possum King".

Your wife has locked herself in the bathroom and refuses to come out.

The fridge is empty, the cupboards are bare. Actually they are in fact missing.

All you can see if people's lips moving, mostly from having the stereo cranked to "11".

Your fingers are twitching like they're hitting frets, even with no guitar there.

You end up running about the neighbourhood reeking of BO, unshaven, high fiving everybody (and everything you meet) saying "I Rocked! Rock on! Rock on!"

You notice your electricity bill is $3,500 for the month. All of your other household bills are equally higher. In fact you have an extra bill in the mailbox for that large oversized "Windmill" providing the extra needed power to run the new stereo in the basement.

You have been on xBox so long nonstop, Microsoft has repossessed your Gold Membership. You have been delegated down to "Tin membership".

They have also taken away your xBox360 since you killed all the scores online. Now nobody wants to play the game.

You find "Men in Black" also wandering your house afterwards. They appear to have found "Jimmy Hoffa" buried in your front yard. Somehow in that large crowd, he just slipped through.

and the final sign?

Pieces of your "Axe", TV Set and Stereo are littering the floor after that last big final solo after you did a “Pete Townsend” to the whole wallop!

Friday.

The sun is shining, the birds and chirping, the squirrels are... well doing what squirrels do.

and the Microsoft guys are "softing".  (fine fine fine, there is no actual TERM as per say but)

We see Grand Lord President Phil of Microsoft Canada sitting at his desk.   It is a quiet day, a day in the summer when like all people he must work.  He calls his excellent assistant for a moment.

"Oh Excellent Assistant", our dear friend calls out; "Would you fetch me a refreshing beverage at your convenience?"

Lord Phil is a kind fellow who would not hurt or insult a fly.   Well maybe, but not today... ;)

The assistant type person returns with a choice beverage.   Nods and returns to duties not previously aforementioned since it is not really our business what an assistant to a President should or should not do.

Lord Phil reaches for his cup when, it ... appears... to be ... not... er....THERE.

He blinks.  He Blinks twice.   He blinks again to make sure he actually blinked properly.

The cup is not there.

And so the intercom button is pressed.  *BZZZZZT*

"Is there a chance dear friend you could grab me another refreshing beverage?"

The kind assistant never to be one to question things heads over the the "Refresh-O-Matic" and heads back

"Here you go sir... Enjoy."

"Thank you kindly." Good Phil responds.   He reaches for the cup to pick it up and....

Nothing.

There goes that blinking again.

He tries again.  Nothing.  His hand passes right through it.

Odd.

He does a complete double take as the entire cup completely vanishes.

He faints.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sitting in a back room is a slightly bald man with a large evil grin ripping across his face.  A Large and mighty control panel system is laid out before him.

It is Damir.

The door opens and Rick walks in.  "Hey Damir, what's the good word?"

"Oh this new virtualizer" is BEYOND amazing.

Rick looks at him, "Damir both you and I know Virtualization has been out for quite a while..."

Damir blinks like a little kid on 3 coffees.  "No no no no, you don't get it, this doesn't just virtualize software or PCs, it virtualizes everything!  I've been trying it about on the office."

Rick's eyes light up.  "Everything?! COOL!"  He grabs a seat and scoots over.  "Ok how does this thing work!"

Damir shows him the controls.   "Ok actually the technology behind all this is hard to explain, even for me but it doesn't matter.  It just works cool!  Here's the Wacom tablet, it links to any number of security cameras.  It requires an initial visual to get the object.   Draw a ring about the object in question.   And then press the big green button "VIRTUALIZE".

Rick looks over, Sure enough there was a big powerful green button marked "VIRTUALIZE". 

He looks over, "So what have you done with it so far?"

"Ok ok... this is so cool.  I've virtualized the security desk.  The Guard still doesn't understand why his coffee keeps dropping straight to the ground.      There's a few chairs in the cafeteria.  I'm still waiting for the results on when people go to sit down.   I've virtualized your new phone..."

"WHAT?! You !$##$ THAT explains why I couldn't pick it up!  But anything you say?"

"Sure! Just sit down and go at it!"

Rick sits down at the controls.   He scans various security cameras in the area.   He sees one that picks up his interest.

"Hey Damir, isn't that Rodney's new car?" the eyebrows on Rick twitch in anticipation.

"Hmmm.  Why yes, yes it is.  Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

Rick stopped thinking and immediately went to work.   Zoom... Circle... Click.

"Uhh Damir it didn't appear to do ANYTHING."

"Well this is the Alpha release.  So flashy effects haven't been added or implemented yet.  But the process is so fast that is just doesn't matter."

For confirmation they look and see a cheerful fell walking towards his new Volvo.   He smiles proudly at his new toy.   He reaches for the keys, goes to put them in the door.

*WHOOSH*

He falls into his own "car".

He picks himself up brushes off.  Looks at it.  Must be a Tuesday.   Never could figure out Tuesdays...

He tries again.

*NOTHING*

Rick and Damir and just sitting there watching at this point with a bowl of popcorn.  

"My CAR!" Rodney cries out "What HAPPENED TO MY CAR?!"

And then a sudden realization.  Who would have done this.  Only two people he could think of.

"Rick and Damir, those bastards!"

He begins to turn in a huff and head towards the building to find his problem and eliminate it.

"Oh crap, he's figured it out!" mumbles Damir

"What shall we do?   We can't hide from Rodney forever."

"Nuts!" Damir sits resigned to his fate.

"Wait, didn't you say it would virtualize anything?"

"Well yes but I haven't tried yet.  It would be inhumane to try it out."

"Ah." Rick responds, "But is it more or less worse than being caught by John, Phil and Mark."

and before Damir could answer.  Circle....Zoom... "VIRTUALIZE"

Rodney appeared to be frozen.

"Great you've killed him! RUN"

They scramble off like cockroaches, let your imagination do the rest.

------------------------------------

Rodney blinks.  He's standing inside a room.   There's his car, unscathed, a small selection of cafeteria chairs and oddly enough the reception desk from Mississauga.

"Where the *Bleep* am I?" he yells out.

He looks over to see two other figures sitting on chairs.  It's William Shatner and Patrick Stewart, ala Star Trek fame.

"Oh thank God somebody else is here.   We started doing to the 'Kirk vs Picard' debate and almost got into a fist fight, I of course would have won..." States Shatner.

"But where is *HERE*?" Rodney cries out.

"Oh that's the simple bit," says Stewart.  "Paramount Studios, California, Lot B, Storage Locker G.  Security should be here in a few days.  It appears your Mr. Gates picked up the old transporter set from the 60's and the Hologram technology from the current series on eBay.    I'm guessing this stuff actually works.  I was sitting in my room reading a book when *BLINK* I'm sitting here with Fatso."

"I resemble that remark. But at least every so often we seem to get a free soda out of nowhere."

Rodney blinks.  Well free soda and his car was ok. 

Could be worse.

He could be in Rick and Damir's shoes.

Cut scene. We saw a small dark room; smoke and the smell of cheap cigars as well as bad coffee fill the room. We saw a large crowd hunkered over a small table. Some of the swarthiest, most cut-throat individuals ever.

It is the Microsoft Marketing Team.

A gangly fellow sits at the head of the table. There is a truly stern look of concern on his face.

“Alright boyz, we’ve got ourselves a little problem here.” The head honcho John states.

“Boss, what is da problem? We’s been doing the good word. We didn’t step on no toes and our turfs under control.”

*SMACK*. The boss knocks this young upstart to the side. “Shaddap! It appears that the stuff isn’t getting’ out as quickly as we’d like.”

“Da stuff?” mumbles a fellow in a bad zuit suit. “What stuff?!”

*BAM* The ding dong falls in a heap. “The new stuff. The new products for 2008. Server 2008, SQL Server 2008 and Visual Studio 2008. It appears you’s peoples have been a little ‘lax’ in your marketing. So we’re… we’re uh… How can I put this delicately. We’re going to ‘UP the Ante’. Yeah that’s the ticket.”

“But how we gonna do that?” A simple bald fellow slurs out in bad 20’s gangster slang “We’ve been doin’ the events and stuff. Givin’ out http://blogs.technet.com/canitpro and http://blogs.msdn.com/cdndevs. What else we gonna do?”

A bat pops out in John’s hand. “Dammit! We’re gonna take this war to THEM! Hand deliver the stuff, kinda insistent like. Yeah. You get the ticket.” He smashes the table joyfully with a single blow of the bat. The bat cracks in response.

“Oh but couldn’t do that, them Mac guys might get offended…”

A shot goes off. John politely lowers it down onto the table.

“You were saying?”

“RIGHT!” The room cries in unison. “WHAT YOU SAY WE DO CHIEF?!”

“Ok this is simple, Damir and Rick, you haul off your lot and bust down the West Side. Get that SQL Server 2008 out now, and get it out quick. Nobody says no!”

“RIGHT!” Damir, Rick bust out with about Twenty Five of the meanest thugs with a few MVPs for good measure. The front door falls before them as they leave. The hinges hang off the frame in response.

“Now you, Barnaby and Kerri. Haul some of the Developer mongrels with you. That Christian guy seems threatening enough. Get Visual Studio 2008 out to the masses on the East Side. Don’t nobody tell YOU how it’s gonna be!”

“YES BOSS!” Blam. Barnaby, Kerri, Christian and the biggest army of ugly thugs grab a pile of bats and tire irons. They jump out through the window. You can heal the squeal of tires as they rip off.

“And now…” John sits there drumming his fingers. “Ruth, you take the South Side. Get that Server 2008 out to them mugs down there. Rodney, you do the North Side and…”

“But Boss… The North… Dems the Canadians. They’s the worst ones to deal with of all. I think that…”

*BLAM*

The smoking shotgun is let loose again into the ceiling.

“Allow me to retort, you was saying?”

“I’m going to the North Side to get Server 2008 to dem damn Canadians! Right Boss!”

“Yeah, that’s what I likes about you, real agreeable too… Well what are you waiting for? GO! GO! GO!

Rodney and Ruth grabs the last of the Tommy guns and split with their groups of mean spirited marketing people. Nobody screws with us.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cut to new scene. Raining fog, damp. It’s the West Side.

We say a disgruntled lot at reception.

There is klunking of boots as they march down the hall. A receptionist and security guard try to stop them “You can just march down there, you just…”

“SHADDAP!” Yells out Rick and hits them with a large sack of wet Cheetos. “Don’t mess with us.”

They head into the server room. They find a skinny admin sitting in his chair playing Tetris.

“You’z the guy in charge of the database?!” Barks out Damir.

“Y-y-es. Err…” a small shocked admin responds.

“Good! Now take this and upgrades you systems. It’s SQL Server 2008. It’s good you. You understand.”

The poor fellow nods numbly. “What about licensing.”

Rick hits with some more wet Cheetos “Shaddap! We’s gonna deal with licensing later. I think you’ll like it. You know what I’m saying?”

The admin nods quietly.

“Good now get going!” they bark out as they march out the room.

The admin glances at the box with both joy and terror. Microsoft SQL Server 2008. He’s about to open the box…

“HEY!” Damir pokes his head back in.

“…Ulp… yes?”

“Don’t forget to backup your data first before installing!”

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cut to new scene. Damp, unforgiving. Much like the other place. It’s the East Side.

Shots go off. There is cracking of bats left right and center. A large mob bursts through the server room and finds a small group of guys scrambled about an Xbox360 console playing “Gears of War”.

TheBarn grabs a bat and holds it over the Xbox360. “You wouldn’t want anything to happen to your little friend would you?!”

The shudder in fear. “What do you want from us?! Please!”

Kerri kicks their chairs out from under them. “We’s got something you all is gonna want, see?!”

She shoves the Visual Studio 2008 box underneath their noses. “You will WANT this, get it?!”

Barnaby shouts “And yeah, no funny bypassing the activation you developer bastards!”.

Christian looks over at the Xbox360. “Hmmmm!”

“I think our boy Christian likes your Xbox360, I think we’ll just take it as collateral.”

They spin about and take off.

The developers sit in a panic. They are about to open the box…

A large rock flies over their head. Christian sticks his head in. “Hey you’s!!”

They blink twice. “Wh-wh-what?” They shake in fear.

“Don’t forget to read the licensing agreement!”

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cut to the South Side. Smells like a South Side might smell. Use your imagination.

A squeal of tires and the sound of machine guns. Five old well armored 20’s style gangster cars drive straight down the hallway.

Ruth and her swarthy lot burst out. “Get me the admin!” she shouts menacingly.

The boys drag a skinny bedraggled fellow trying to solve a Rubik’s cube.

“You the admin?!” Ruth barks.

“Uh… yes… please don’t…”

She grabs his cube and throws it against the wall. It explodes into a brilliant shower of colour.

He wets himself in terror.

“Take this Server 2008. It’s new, it’s cutting edge and it has a pretty mouse. Take it… or else….”

Nobody ever answers that question. His hands shake as he takes the Server 2008 box.

They reverse out in a wave of smoke….

His cell rings as he is about to open the box…

“HEY!” It’s that gangster Ruth.

He wets himself again.

“Make sure you do a full backup of your Active Directory before upgrading!”

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cut to final scene. Cold Barren, Icy, Nothing but Hockey pucks to eat. You guessed, the North Side.

Rodney bursts with his bunch of mongrels. But this time the mongrels blink. Canadians. THEY start to shake. Rodney must think quick.

He sees the admin. He has his toque on sideways and is carrying a loaded Tim Horton’s cup. A steaming bowl of poutine sits in front of him. Rodney gets a brilliant idea.

“HEY!” He tries to bark out but the snow is too much. He walks straight up to the admin. He shoves the Server 2008 box in front of him.

“What you trying to do ‘eh?, I’m trying to have my coffee and poutine. Traditional Canadian Breakfast eh?”

Rodney comes up with a brilliant idea. He holds his fist over the poutine. “You wouldn’t want anything to happen to this would you? It looks pretty good…” He holds his face over the poutine. “You know I feel a sneeze coming on…”

The admin blinks. “You wouldn’t.”

“Hey I would and I can, it’s damn cold up here in July. But uh… you could take care of this. I’ll do you a favor, you do me a favor, Understand? You installs this and we’s all happy in the family get it?”

The admin sulks. He is beaten. “Anything, just don’t hurt my poutine.”

Rodney and his lot bolt out in a screech of snow on the snowmobiles.

The admin just sits there staring at his newly delivered Windows Server 2008. He is about to open it when….

*VRRROOOOOOOOOOOOM*

“HEY YOU!” It’s that Rodney character.

“What eh?!” snaps the admin.

“Ummm….you got any more poutine?”

Dos and Don'ts when trying to apply to a large major corporation whose name we shall not name...

DO - Be Persistent in checking out the job listings

DON'T - Go online and start writing completely new and fake job postings "Just to throw the competition off"

DO - respond politely to email requests and communications

DON'T - get super laid back and candor in emails.   Sending funny videos is never a good idea.

DO - Be professional when you meet people from the company.

DON'T - Jump about like a half crazed gerbil on coffee when you meet them.

DO - Sit down politely at lunch time, order lunch.  Offer to pay when done.

DON'T - order the "Ultra Mega All you can Eat" with a five quarts of beer to wash it down.

DO - Buy a decent and appropriately expensive suit for your interview.

DON'T - Buy that suit at "Goodwill" or "Salvation Army".   It will probably show through.

DO - Arrive early.

DON'T - Arrive at about 3am in the morning before even the security guards wake up.

DO - Shake hands if you get to meet somebody appropriately high up in the corporation.

DON'T - Begin bowing down before them like in "Wayne's World" - 'I'm not worthy, I'm not worthy'

DO - Carry your resume with you in paper as well as digital form.

DON'T - Carry it on "Toilet Paper" and the "Digital" should not be your fingers.

DO - Be professional in any phone interviews.

DON'T - Drink three cans of Rockstar and let your enthusiast out of the bag.  It will probably go badly for you.

DO - Show what knowledge you have or don't.

DON'T - Start making up answers and questioning the interviewer’s abilities to answer 2+2.

DO - Sit down in a nice quiet spot for your phone interviews, preferably a desk with maybe some internet access.

DON'T - Sit down in a hot 4x4 truck in the middle of summer weather with a recently rebuilt laptop running Linux and no internet.

DO - Accept failures when they happen, and learn from your mistakes.

DON'T - Sit down bawling like a two year old for an hour.  It ain't helping' buddy!

DO - try to make a human connection with people working there.

DON'T - make that human connection a massive round up of the staff in to a small room and say "Hire me or I'll turn this large cage of gerbils loose in the office."

DO - keep in communication via email with those you meet.

DON'T - Send so many emails that corporate Head office and security began marking you as "Potential Spam"

DO - Be funny at funny times and serious at serious times.

DON'T - laugh like a madman giggling incessantly and then having a staring contest with the interviewer.

DO - follow up on blogging and communications from the company regarding their interview process.

DON'T - go into the blogging sites and start making up lies again to "Scare off the competition"

DO - Target your job search in the forums or online systems.

DON'T - sit down on a Sunday morning and start going "Click click click" to fill out EVERY potential posting, even if there ARE 1,000's online.  That could appear desperate.

Do - Again, make that human connection through communication.

DON'T - Do that human connection by roasting and making up silly stories about people in the company.   It might go JUST a little too far.

DO - Most importantly be persistent in your quest.   If you qualify, you will get hired.

DON'T - make that persistence in to a large email, spam, junk mail, flyer, airplane buzzing the head office and TV Ad campaign.   The job is cool, but the costs of this might not offset the yearly revenue.

Alright all you experts out there.  

You all think you can kick *ss in Rock and blow the scores away?

Pshaw!  Here's the REAL tips on how to actually blow away all the scores in Guitar Hero II!

1) Stance!  You must stand on the ground like you OWN the ground.   Make that floor your bitch!

2) Grimace Musically.   Aha!  the experts on everything haven't picked it up yet, but the ability to grimace musically is more important that ability.  Make the world stare at you and respect your power.   The game flows much more smoothly that way.

3) Pound that guitar!  That's right, shake that sucker to the beat, hit that Star power, and more importantly?  Learn to smash it like Pete Townsend of "The Who".  It will be a bit expensive at first but well worth it.

4) RockStar!  Oh sure the odd heart attack may happen but five or six cans of "RockStar" juice and you'll make Eddie Van Halen feel slow.

5) Practise Yoga.  Become the game.  Fell the Zen (or Zune if you prefer) of it's power.  Sense the notes before they happen.  "The Force" has nothing on you.

6) Learn "Air Guitar".   A Long lost art of the 80's.   Only the best of the best of the best can "Air Guitar".  It can truly add a shine to your performance.

7) Imagine a goal.   That's right.  Picture a goal.  A BIG GOAL!  A GOAL SO RIDICULOUSLY HUGE it will be normally unobtainable.   Imagine a bet where passing a round will achieve that goal...  Hey it can work.  

8) Lots of Water.  If you really get into the game, water is more than wanted.  It's required.   Don't bother with any "Magic Juice".  You may feel like "Mick Jagger" but you'll play like "PeeWee Herman"

9) Headphones.    Grab a big mother set of headphones.   The kind that block out all sound and sensation.   Crank that volume to 11!

10) Most importantly.  Take about three to four days from work or school.   Be the game.   Learn to keep your eyes unable to blink for hours at a time.   Get some groupies.  Smoke some cigarettes.  Don't sleep for all that time and live the Rock Star lifestyle.

Do all of this?  And you will OWN the game.  Or die.   Not sure which will happen first...

Maybe a nice game of Solitaire instead?

Now not many of you have ever wandered into the Tilley warehouse in Don Mills Road in Toronto.

If you do they have this HUGE briefcase full of free "Leftovers" from the production of Tilley Endurables hats.

Each "Leftover" is made of the same material as these excellent hats but is a simple round circle that is suspiciously the same size as the top of the hat (about an 8" Diameter

circle)

What are these good for?  The fine people of Tilley's have a little chart with some ideas offered by customers.

I think I'll take a crack at it.

Small high quality Mouse Pad.

Coffee / Beer Coaster

With two bits of string?  A bacterial mask.

Something to get those really hot light bulbs out with.

Stick them between CD's / DVD's for us poor schmucks who can't afford CD envelopes.

A really small dart board.

Wrapped up in large bunches?   A way to protect me from my cat when she needs her nails clipped.

Wrapped about large sticks, a very cool cat clawing post.

Rolled up in a ring? fine napkins at a dinner table to hold forks/knives in.

Speaker covers for cheapos.

A very inexpensive bathing suit for very immodest women.  (Providing of course you buy some string or fine "Tilley Endurable" shoelaces.

A protective pad for computer cpus on your desk (Sure we all keep those out all the time)

A protective pad for when you're soldering on the kitchen table. (I mean if they're free and disposable)

Sewn together, a very nice and inexpensive coin purse.

Headlight covers for when you off road!

Padding for your lamp on your desk.   A little glue and presto!

Wrapped up about the bottle, a way to keep your beer cold! (Well maybe not very long)

Individual Tool wraps for your expensive wrenches!

Very tiny shop rags when working on cars.

Blinders for horses.

Antislip bits on the ladders.  Not quite sure HOW Antis lip they would be but.

For lighting those stubborn BBQ's, a little bit of smelly tinder.

Very tiny plates for desert.   And hey they're washable too.   No need to throw them out.   They might even hold Ice cream.

Squishing bees.

Covering up holes in old lawn chairs.

Decoratively hiding the rusty bits on your picnic table.

Trombone mute?   Not very!

Wipe for the oil dipstick on the car.  Again!  Don't throw it.  It's washable!

If you freeze them, skeet shoots?

Sound dampeners for that loose change in your glove box.   Oh come on we all do it!

Temporary shielding for badly repaired power wires, cables etc?

Possibly even something to cover the mouthpiece for obscene phone callers? NAH!

I've sat down and re-examined why things went off with my interview.

He was right.   I was weak in the areas he mentioned but more importantly, he didn't get a chance (because of my over enthusiasm and maybe a bit overconfident, not quite sure how that part came out) of the professional that deals with customers on a daily basis.

Now I understand why they might be calling me.

Enthusiasm and raw ability are great.

But it's professionalism that will count in the end for one simple reason.   You need to deal with people, customers worldwide.   There is a VERY high probability you will be needing to interact with executives and non-computer people who's very lives rely on the solution you're working on.

And if you can't convey that solution across to them, or communicate it to them, you're dead in the water.

The ability to learn technical information is all fine and great, but on some levels guys like us are a dime a dozen.

It's my professionalism they'll need to see.   I have to remember (no matter how much it means to me!) that it is an interview.  Still.   Be professional.   Don't leave too many "uncomfortable silences" but be the professional, rather than the enthusiast.  (Let a teeny bit slip out that if you're asked to be candid)

To my Technical Interviewer from Microsoft, my most full and sincere apologies.   I was so intent on being a technician (Being that it was a technical interview) that I forgot that the person I was speaking with was most likely my future boss who would be involved in any training.   It was really important to  him to see a person that could be professional even if the technical skills were a little on the weak for Enterprise level.

It may take me more work and effort to pull off a third interview.   But I have learned from this.   It will also mean that WHEN the Redmond interview happens,  I will make the job.   You will be able to finally see all facets balanced in a smooth equation.  

Thank you for your time in the meantime Microsoft.  I will be worth the effort when the time comes...

The lights die down.

A sense of calm.

"Chief?"

"Ballmer here boys, what's the call?"

"All clear for the moment.   He was far too enthusiastic on the phone, hid his professionalism.  Bad move."

"Ah I see, so safe for the moment."

"Yes but..."

"But?"

"Apparently he would have done whatever it took, even shown more professionalism than most people would ever have expected.   It almost feels wrong..."

"Well, if he's persistent he won't actually give up."

"No.  No he won't, that's what he said over and over.   That and he extends his sincere apologies to the tech interviewer.    He didn't know what was expected.  He does now.  He does learn..."

"Good, learning is good...."

Sung to "Secret Agent Man" Circa cool '60s spy show

When the servers crashin' in the night
Sparks are flyin' such an awful sight
Data can't be found and the problems all around
Who's the ones that bring you so much light

Their the MVPs, Microsoft MVPs
Why bother with the rest, they are the very best

Hackers tryin' to blow in through your door
Smoke is rollin' up below the floor
The day feels at and end, where's you only friend?
The experts blink and clear it all away

Their the MVPs, Microsoft MVPs
When you get that server crash, they solve it in flash

Bill Gates files are scrambled through and through
Steve Ballmer cries out "What can we all do?"
Paul Allen's had enough, even though they're very tough
Who will they call to knock it all away?

Their the MVPs, Microsoft MVPs
Nightmares run away, they're here to save the day...

"Chief!"

"Balmer here, what's the problem?"

"That troublemaker that was bugging the Mississauga team?   Well..."

"Well what?"

"He didn't exactly bomb on that phone interview.   Didn't smoke it but this sucker wouldn't just Crash and Burn."

"So what you're saying..."

"Hang on for a bit boss... We're still analyzing the data..."

To be continued.... WE HOPE!

Klaxons and Alarms are going off all over Redmond.   Trouble is a strring up.

"Balmer here!  What's the problem?!"

"It's that nut from Canada, the one that's been roasting the Canadian team?"

"Yeah, what about it?"

"He's got a phone interview today.  He gets past that and we're doomed!"

"No no no.  Not going to happen."

"Odds are it will sir.   And once he's here for the Redmond interview, I'm not sure what we're going to do.   Once he smells all the technology up here, we'll never be able to get him to leave."

"All right then.  I'll alert security.  Bolt down the bunkers.   Warn the staff.   There's a storm on the horizon... Balmer out."

That's right... a serious post.

I'm more nervous than the day I got married.

More jittery than the night before I got to meet the guys from Microsoft Canada.

More unable to sleep than the time before the President's Breakfast at Microsoft Canada and  EnergizeIT 2007!

WHY?!

Because after today...  after today... after this interview (if all goes well!)  I get to fly to Redmond to interview!

The one interview that does it all!   The one that can cement me into the ranks of Microsoft!

I mean it's 3:17am.  I can't GET back to SLEEP!

Good grief!

The truth has been hidden to protect the individuals.   Colourization has been added to pretty up the facts.   Persons in this story (whether real of implied) are probably just a figment of the authors demented imagination.   Such thoughts should be dispelled with immediately.  

And so a day starts.   The team of "Super Puter Guys" gets together to decide what will (or will not happen) for the day.

First off goes the argument over how eggs should be cooked and whether ketchup classifies as a proper breakfast condiment.   It follows up with a row of "Who can cram the most sugar into their coffee".  It finally (as normal) ends up with a daring round of "poke the boss".    Usually it's the loser that has to do this.   Also usually the last person showing up for breakfast.

Finally the jobs are handed out for the day.

"Smith and Smith has a network outrage, they haven't paid us in Nineteen months and the boss is a grouch.  Frank since you played 'poke the boss', you get to have this job."

Poor little Frank shuffles out the door, toilet paper attached to his leg.  Being the new guy can suck sometimes.   It also doesn't help when the Senior tech keeps putting sugar in his gas tank.    With a shudder and a back fire his car oozes off.

"Peterson moving company decided today to upgrade all their workstations today to Windows Vista.  They all are Celeron 266 with 32 meg of ram.   Also the office caught on fire on the weekend.   So since you poked fun at my shirt;  Larry there's one for you."

Larry blinks.  "Right now?"

Boss blinks back.  "No.  No.  I was thinking more of next Tuesday."

Larry blinks.  "Oh ok.".  He sits back down.l

Boss coughs, "Uh er Larry you DO understand what sarcasm is yes?"

Larry slinks out of his chair slowly, "So now?"

"Yes 'Now' would be very good, especially since the client called and was yelling.   Later might involve some lawyers.  

Larry bolts out of the door.

Larry was no fun anyhow.

 Then poor little Joe remains.   It's the last job on the list.  He hasn't made any shirt jokes this week even showed up on time to this should be an eas.....

"Ok Joe.  Here's your easy one."

Joe breathes a sigh of relief.

"We've got a Microsoft Windows Server network with a mix of Mac, Linux and PC environments plus a few dumb terminals from Unix for good measure.  Their main file server is an Amiga 1000.  The Unified Messaging is down, the Internet is only working on two machines; and those are Commodores; and the President of the company does not speak any English.  Go for it."

Poor Joe sits there.   He's pulled off enough miracles to last a lifetime. He stands up and stammers

"I qu-qu-qu-qu-qu-.." He stops...

Bossman steps up ... "YES?! WHAT?!"

Little Joe pauses. Pay day is not here yet, quitting would be bad.   Besides the boss wasn't a jerk.   He had to deal with a bunch of other idiots besides the employees...

"I question whether or not the Internet is actually down... " Lame answer but good for the moment.

"Who cares, go there and solve the problem." Barks the boss.

And so it is time to stumble along and see what has gone wrong today.

New site.  Yep they're the best.   Always a complete surprise.  You can never tell what pops out of the bag on these type of sites.

"Hi I'm Joe from the ABC Computer company.   I hear you're having some..."

He never gets a chance to finish.  There is screaming and yelling.  Somebody has started a small bonfire in the middle of the office.   The various camps of computer users have isolated the themselves.  Mac users are yelling at PC users.   The Linux guys are yelling at everybody.  The die hard Unix fellows in the corner are poking pencils at the Mac and Linux guys "We were here first!   Copy cats copy cats!"

So it's going to be one of these days.  Joe dodges the bullets, paperclips and small mice as the battle rages on.

He finds the "Server room" without much help.  Yes a small misused broom closet in the back of the office behind a large sign screaming "Beware, monkeys on the loose!"

Well the wiring isn't too shabby.    Sort of.   There appears to be some regular LAN runs, some 568a, 568b and a few extra letters thrown in. 

He blinks.   Fibre optic?  Plugged into a network switch?  Nope nope..  Just some fool bought LAN cable that would "light up" when power from the switch was applied.   Oh and of COURSE there had to be a few lines made of old phone cable held together with tape.

Two minutes already, well this was going to be a long...

"Is it fixed?! Is it fixed?!" The fellow who runs the company has burst into the closet.  He is covered head to foot in staples.    Obviously his day is going well.

"Well we're trying to see what the first problem is.   It looks like your previous consultant did a little Band-Aid work back here without band aids."

"Previous consultant?  Oh you mean my cousin.  He works on computers.  Pretty good work huh?"

Oh oh... Family job.  Have to be tactful.   Need to be really kind and gentle.

"Well to be honest it looks like a barn full of Yaks came in, chewed up wires, spat them out and pretended to call it a network."

"So you're saying...."

"You're cousin should choose another line of work, perhaps running a Hotdog Cart."

The owner is aghast.   He slumps away with his tail between his legs.   That's keep him off my back for a bit.  Now back to.

"Hey hey hey hey, is it... um... it... umm... working... you know?  I have this large project due and..."

Some idiot from a marketing division.   They lie all the time, I'll just use a little magic.  

"Sure... uh, can you grab me that screwdriver I just dropped on the ground."

The silly fool bends to pick up the non existent tool ... *BOOT*.   A solid well placed groin kick and he's out of the game!   Seven points!

Ok... So back to this rat's nest.     Cute.   To make a cable stay in place on the switch, a piece of tape.   Oh my Some Lego to balance this part up.   Then the smell hits his nose.

Identifying it was not quite easy.  It was more a combination of smells.   A bit like lunch, mixed with dust, a smattering of Skunk and something else....

Somebody was cooking lunch.  That was it...  No wait a minute, it was coming from the other side of the closet.

Some idiot has a hot plate sitting in here with the switch.   With a VERY old cup of boiling hot coffee (or what's left of it) along with a very funny looking object.  

It was a sandwich.   The operative word... WAS. 

Ok time to find a newbie, somebody who thinks they know something about computers.   Yep.  We need a deputy.

Joe wanders into the middle of the battle.  "I am Joe.  I can bring peace!  I need a computer expert to assist me in my duties!"

Then He appears.   A kid of about Twenty-One.   It's Ernie who works in the mail room. 

"I can help! I have a computer at home.   I've installed Windows on it ALL BY MYSELF!"

Ok ... perfect cannon fodder.  "Ok buddy come with me, I need your help."

I point to the back of the "Unholy Grail".   "You see back there?   I need that equipment removed completely and immediately in order to realign the (pick a fake part) binary loadlifters on the network router.  (Ooo GOOD ONE!)

Mr new guy.   Not to be phased.   He enters he grabs it in one deft sweep.   His eyes are watering,  His face is changing shades of purple.

"Well go man ... go...." barks Joe "We can't get this online without you."

And so little Ernie runs.... He bolts through the firefight.   This new biological weapon has at least paused the fight for a moment.  People shout in agony as the smell rips through the office. 

Ernie hauls the Unholy HandGrenade of Baloney down the hallway.   His steps and hair are getting more shallow by the moment.

He reaches the parking lot, just beside the owner's new car.  He of course collapses as a heap of bones, just in time to spill the Biological Bomb all over the owner's new Ferrari.    The paint begins the melt.   The tires deflate.   The whole car just seems to want to run away as the smell wraps its claws about that expensive decoration.   Good thing the boss in comatose dealing with the realization his cousin is an idiot.   This will be desert for later on.

Good.  Back to work. 

A little more digging.   Some more poking.  There is no power source here.  Let's look.  Switch to extension cord.   Cord outside door.    To power bar.     Space heater in the power bar.    Keep looking, another power bar.  Air conditioner and fridge on this one.   Tracing back to yet ANOTHER power bar.   Seems to be a hub bar at this point as several OTHER wires are running off it.   Oh here we go... the source power.   Hmmm scotch tape repair on the wires...  I'll just unplug it to see how bad...

*KLUNK* Half the office, lights and all is shut off.  

"Whoa! This is cool! " It's officially the biggest octopus he has ever seen.    

Of course this didn't help the firefight.  "The PC Users have modified a Microwave into a HERF gun!  That wasn't in the wartime conventions!"   Screaming and Yelling hit a wonderfully insane crescendo.   So if I was to plug this in and out several times.   

All about the office monitors begin to implode.   The smell of ozone fills the air.  

Well that has at least shut down half the battle.   All of those users are now cowering under the remains of their desks.

Ok.   So we need a solid power outlet.   Handy how the circuit breaker box is in the same room as the switch.   Open the box.   There's only four breakers in the box.   Four circuits to run the whole office?! Hmmmm.  Joe grabs some wire and begins to fashion a new power outlet.  Not up to code but better than the LAST drop it was on.    Just as he's about to get it ready... A voice.

"So have you got things sorted out yet?   I've got this email that has to get out now and if it doesn't I'll have to sue you."

It is of course the Vice President.  Some hot shot who got his diploma from A&P in a gumball machine.

"Sure no problem.    Can you just hold onto these two wires for me?" Joe suggests.

"They're not live are they?" cautiously steps in the big VP.

"Oh of course not,"  Joe holds one in his hand."... See?"

Mr. VP grabs the two wires.

********FZFZZZZZZZZTZTZTZTZT********

The VP falls down in a lump.  "Hmmm breaker must have been on.    Oh well, fewer distractions."

Joe quickly wires up the new plug.   Bolts the wiring to the wall.  Tests it, plugs in the switch.   Millions of lights begin lighting up.   Not just the switch.   The whole @#$#@?$! Broom closet.   Power is cut.  Examine the power wire to the switch... good...good...good....SPLICE.   The little #@$#! made wire into ANOTHER power bar.   Trace this back, trace this back... Karaoke machine.... Space Invaders....Merry go Round.

At this point,  easy solution.    One UPS, one new power cord.  One new switch.

*KLUNK* *KLUNK* *KLUNK* *KLUNK*  there all bolted up.   Now start unplugging cables. 

KLIK SNAP, KLIK CRACK.     Ok, screw this.  One patch panel.  Cut *CHUNK CHUNK CHUNK CHUNK*.

Wait a minute, there's only FOUR wires on this LAN cable?  At this point solution has hit upon Joe.

Ok... la la la... one gas can .... one Zippo.   Fill the server room with a hefty and generous amount of gasoline.  

*VOOOOM* the room is ablaze.   Casually Joe walks down and drops his bill on the table, adjusted appropriately as needed to pad his getaway.  

"Visa please." the fire is beginning to build at this point.   Payment collected good.   Casually walk out the door.   To the car.   Gun the engine.

As the building burns to the ground and the screams of the staff as they exit the building, all Joe can think of "Well I'm certain they have an offsite backup...."

Cat have sharp paws, computers have soft rubber wires.   You do the math on that one.

Dogs like to chew things.  Computers don't like to be chewed on.

Gerbils would be the most amazing IT Professionals.   They just won't sit still for two seconds.

Chickens can type, but all they ever type is "BUKAW"

Monkeys just throw the computers across the room at other monkeys.

We're not even going to touch on what horses and cows can do to a helpless computer.

Birds just can't seem to hold a thought for more than two seconds other than "Tweet".   And again there are some issues with their ability to keep things clean.

Squirrels are fantastic on computers, but when other squirrels get nearby they tend to just fight all the time.   Not very productive.

All parrots ever do is imitate the sounds on the computers and confuse other people in the company.

Pig paws are too big for the keyboards.   Their snouts tend to get the screens incredibly dirty.

Elephants are however are amazing for blowing all the dust out of computers.

Lions are just big cats, so same problem.  Except with more sparks and glass.

Seagulls get pretty good ideas and would work all day for a box of french fries.   Just can't them to stop arguing with each other.

Guineau Pigs are lazy and just sit about crying when you ask them to do anything.

Rabbits, what can I say about rabbits?  They're Guineau Pigs with more attitude.  And they kick!

Bears are just amazing die hard workers.   They just have a strong tendency of raiding other peoples lunches and taking 4 months off with asking.

All deer ever do is stare at the screen.  "The lights.... the lights...."

Bulls just see the red light of the Mouse Laser and go nuts.   No more mouse.

And of course mice are NEVER allowed near computers.   They tend to try and "get it on" with their cousins on the desk.

Modern day holdups would be a thing of the past, or at the very least, there would be FAR fewer witnesses.

"Alright, gimme all your dough!"

"Thank you please don't shoot me...."

"Ok I won't, oops you're wearing a red shirt, set to 'Vaporize'"

There would be much more incredulous excuses for work school etc.

"Tribbles ate my homework."

"I was late getting to work because the kids got into the transporter and I had to explain the mess to security."

Every time something scary would be about to happen in your life, there would be some appropriately scary music.

Whenever a large overly unbeatable problem would occur, you could successfully lie your way past it.

Obviously there would be a lot less garbage thanks to replicators.   But I suspect the resulting food and materials produced might have a bit of an "off smell".

You could just sneak up behind people and knock them out "Oh so QUIETLY" with two fingers (except for that damn music!)

Apparently time travel would be quite common, and nobody would be in trouble for it, since there would never be anybody knowing about it.... Or would they, oh these darn paradoxes!

Absolutely nobody would blink twice about the words "Transparent Aluminum" or be phased if two Giant Whales just "disappeared" into a Klingon battle cruiser.

Really cool extended laptop battery life thanks to those handy "Dilithium Crystals"

Meeting up with William Shatner or Leanord Nimoy would be common place.

You would be allowed to run about the hallways with swords and blame it on aliens.

All woman would always be wearing short skirts.

Ah but all men in red shirts would die within seconds with the phrase "I think I've found.... AIHAGIHAIGHAIGHAIHG"

Cell Phones would look EXACTLY like Communicators.  

Handheld organizers would look like Tricorders.

People would be breaking out of guarded laser protected cells with a "little leg" or getting somebody drunk.

You could confuse superior computer entities with simple equations like "1 = -3" and laughing at them.

All the cops would sound like flatfoots from the roaring twenties.

Of course most importantly, we'd all be able to apply to Star Fleet academy, just to get the nifty uniforms.

Ah yes 'tis the ancient times of Lords and Ladies.  Of Chivalry.   Of Great quests by Great Men to do Great things.  All done

in a Great way of course.

And cast ye eyes o Merry men upon the Greatest of Castles, within the glorious Kingdom of Mycrosawft!  Tis the castle of the

Great King John Oxley.  Leader of the Mightiest of teams amongst the Canadeeyans.

And so we entereth to the hallway, and looketh upon the throne.   Upon it sights the Mighty King John.  He gazes upon his

team as they prepare for more glorious adventures and quests and such.

"Hail all!" Cries the mighty King John. "I see thee art all doing well!"

In the corner we see the trilogy of three, Lord Rick of the Tilleys, Lord Rodney of the Flames and Lord Damir of the Holy

Halls of Knowledge.  

"Hail thee King John!"  They hold their large flasks of meed in unison.

We see sitting on the other side, Lady Ruth the Animal Guardian and Lady Kerri the Demon runner.   They say she is fast

enough to outrun the Devil itself. 

"Hail thee King John of the Geeks!" They cry as one.

King John looks.  There is somebody missingest within the fair realm. 

"Hey John Check this out!" Barnaby yells out.  "I've got this new Nikon D9600 with 120 Megapixels, Bluetooth, Fibreoptic, 1

terabyte of storage, Zoom lens, Flicker live connection..."

"Barnaby!" King John cries out. "Stoppeth now!"

Barnaby looks very confused. "Huh?"

Good King John pulls out his staff and bops Barnaby over the head *BONK*

"Sir Barnaby!  Thy art out of costume and character!  The magic thy speakest of hath not been invented yet!  And thy English

is too correct."

King John grabs the demon device and tosses it to Lord Rick.   "Destroyeth this piece of demonic magic before it goes looseth

on the land!"

Barnaby stands there shocked, gasping for a hold on the moment.  "Er...John just what are you talking..."

King John gives him another bonk *BONK*. "Speaketh in character O Goodly Lord."

Barnaby now whoozey after several bonks is quite willing to play the game.   "Uh... sure... kingeth... goodeth... owwweth! 

Mine head hurteth badly!"

Ahhh peace is restored.   King John sits happily upon the throne.  Ignoring the very obvious play on words that it was.

Poor Lord Barnaby is numb with pain.   He winces as Lord Rick smashes the demon apart with the butt of his foot in glee.  

"Die Electric Demon! Die Die Die!  Feel my wrath!"  Lord Rick shouts with joy.  Some electric daemons should be crushed under

foot.

King John hands Lord Barnaby his sword.  "There, thouest is now within character! Join us in Song good sir!"

Sir Rodney grabs his badly beaten string beast.  He begins the song.

(Sung to Greensleeves)

What hath I done to be punished me
in the land of no technology
No bits no bytes no pieces of ram
in the dreaded dreaded land

Save us O John Oxley
From this land this land of Misery
Let let us let us fight
to be enabled and see the light.

King John looks as Sir Rodney.  "I could '*bonk*' for that you know."

"True." King John, the musical Rodney states "But nobody else would sing for you then.  And my songeths amuse thee."

"It is true Young one, but more of thy insolence and a Bonking will begin!"

At that point the Great Lord Damir steps forward.   "King John...."

"Yes O most trusted of Lords?" King John listens with wise thoughts rolling.

"The Lord Rodney is not truly alone.   My bookeths and writings take up three castles.   I have heard the great wizards of

Mycrowsawft have developed magic that can holdest my data in tiny boxes."

King John pauses "Magic such as that is powerful indeed.  But I sense it may contain Daemons!"

"No Good King John.   That would be within the evil tribes of UNICKS and LINICKS as well as the MacinLords.  There are no

Daemons from our magicians."

"And whateth do they call this 'Magic' you speaketh of good Damir?"

"It is a 'kompewter servar running SEEK WELL TOO THOWZAND AYT'.   I know these words seem foreign to me as well but the magic

is good and powerful."

"Tis True!" Lady Kerri steps up.  "You could your many battle plans against the the MacinLords on it.  And if thy plans were

damaged by Meed, it could be stepped back!"

"Hmmm.   Battle plans protected and Meed proof...."

"...and I could store the many painting I have made of the little creatures that fair the land..." offers Lady Ruth. "They

twould no longer take up entire castles as well..."

"Ahh......" King John is thinking what he could do with all this extra 'Castle Space'."

"And I could store all my flicker pictures... err...err.. I couldest cleaneth up and storeth my many thingest too..." Lord

Barnaby offers.

"Space to put things in ... Hmmmm.... " King John is imagining the new magic he heard of called 'WYD SKREAN'  filling some of

that waysted spayce.  He begins to droool.

Lord Rick is not impressed.   He has not had any luck with Electronic Daemons as of late.   But he will go with the crowd. 

"Yay verily good Lords and Ladies.   We will speak to the magicians!" a large hurrah was offered by all as they also ate Sir Rodney's Minstrels.  (Sorry Monty Python!)

And so the kwest began as they marched galloped hiccupped *Don't forget the previous Meed session* towards the hallowed halls of the "Magicians of Redmund".

Sir Rodney offers "Does this mean we get to play 'Guitar Hero II'?"

*BONK* *BONK* *BONK*

He was of course of out of character with that statement.

They continue.

"Can I get a new Mobile 6 phone when we reach the Wizard?" Asks Lord Rick.

*BONK* *BONK* and *DOUBLE BONK*

Out of character and wrong story!

The travels wear on slowly until.

In Unison....

*MYCROWSAWFT!*

Mycrowsawft!

"Mycrowsawt!"

"It's only a model.." offers Barnaby...

*BONK**BONK**BONK**BONK**BONK**BONK*

And with great speed and efficiency Great King John of the Oxleys saves the team from a badly choreographed song and dance routine.

And so they enter the halls of the "Grayt Magicians"

the Great magicians of the courts Gayts Bawlmer and   Allan look down. "Why have you entered out great and powerful halls!" (Echo echo echo echo echo echo)

"Oh great Magicians of MyCrowSawft!" King John Cries out "We see the magik that is SEEK WELL"

*BBOOOOMM* "This magik is still in testing.   It is not safe for mere mortals!  You shalt not touch it until the year 2008 in the Grayt month of February! Nein! It is not for you."

"Could we have a Beta?" Lord Damir asks? "Just one little...."

Lightening flys out from the fingers of the Ballmer.  ***NO***.  You young ones will wait. But we will offer you this in the meantime..  Open it when home.

So King Oxley, the Lords and Ladies return to the castle.

They open the package...

They look and see the magic box, covered in Red and Silver.  They read  the words of Magic.

"ETCH A SKETCH"

"So this means no Xbox360 tournament tonight?" Offers up Lord Damir.

*BONK**BONK**BONK**BONK**BONK**BONK**BONK**BONK**BONK**BONK**BONK**BONK**BONK*

Actually all of these are actual situations!

A 1970 Oldsmobile station wagon is fantastic for pulling "Donuts" in an open Burger King parking lot in the whee hours of a VERY snowy morning.

That same car will lay rubber real good and squeal around corners and sound like a race car, it will handle like a big Brown brick!

When you the paint the side of that same Oldsmobile (which is owned by your Dad!) at the early hours by "OH SO CAUTIOUSLY" squeaking by the big Green house, and making a big scraping crunching sound, your Dad will not be amused (Sorry Dad!)

A '77 Subaru with very rusty fenders, at 60 miles per hour, they will open up like wings on a plane.  

Duct tape and nails will be a good "temporary fix".. lasts about three days depending on the amount and quality of tape.

That same car which could outrun an '84 Fiero and '82 VW Rabbit will die not from mechanical issues, but from a complete and utter lack of body.

A '79 VW Rabbit Diesel can have a gorgeous body.   The engine will start like a dream.   the 200 watt Radio will be sweeeet!

The Black plume of smoke behind the Rabbit at 55 mph indicates an oil pump has gone and so has your engine.

The newer '82 engine will just fit in perfectly and be better on gas, except for the fact that you lost the oil dipstick.   The '79 will not be the same size and you won't realize it.   Until you put 3 extra quarts of oil in and it does a "Diesel Runaway".

Note that the fire department will be there BEFORE you call them.

The '84 Chrysler Laser XE you bought for the REALLY COOL digital dashboard and talking voice features will feel cool for a while.

Until the first transmission explodes.

The next two will grenade on your honeymoon.   Your wife will not be pleased.   The car will be soon beaten to death.

The '84 Lada Niva you buy off your friend was a FUN truck.  Four wheel drive is definitely cool.  Flying through the snow in amazing.  Not shoveling your driveway is more fun.

Not listening to VERY specific painting instructions regarding "Camouflage" was bad.   Jersey Cow Black spots on a white was the desired effect.   Zebra stripes were not.   The mixed effect was "interesting"

You will NEVER be allowed to take this truck to "African Lion Safari"

A 1980 Chevy Impala with a leak on the firewall will hold an ASTOUNDING amount of water.   Boots will be necessary.

A 1986 Chevy Cavalier wagon is cool to have.   You can get a lot of crap in it!

However, not putting on the oil cap during a bitter cold day will bring about a premature death to it.

A 1987 Pontiac Firefly is a nice and fuel efficient little car.  

Hobbling noises from the back wheels should be dealt with immediately tho.

Apparently the engine DOES require oil.   It will get angry and punch a hole through itself if you don't give it any.   Greedy little car!

1988 Volkswagen Golf is almost indestructible. 

When you hear "klunk klunk" and both tie rods fall off at the same time while parked?  Start making offerings!

When the axle falls off (similar circumstances), more offerings.

But for some awful reason, one day, it just won't start!

1991 Ford Escort Wagons have lots of space to use.   But there is an important detail.

If the transmission line leaks in front of the Catalytic Converter?  It will make a really nice fire when you get off the highway.

As you dance about the car in panic, your friend will just "blow it out" with an extinguisher in seconds.

A parked minivan can house a particularly LARGE family of squirrels if left long enough.

An '88 Regency Brougham is a lovely thing to drive.  Until the transmission blows twice and kills the engine.   Poo!

An old '81 Mercedes Diesel is a really fun and inexpensive car to drive.   Except for the tan seats burned by tires you got BEFORE it went on the road.

Nobody (absolute nobody, including your Mercedes loving Uncle) will be impressed that you band-aided a part back onto the drive train with "LAN Cable".

A '93 Pontiac Grand Am. Cool fun fast! (Dents and all)

It can roll / pop start at only 5 km per hour!  Easy to roll back when reverse fails!

However, roll/pop starts should not be attempted in underground parking lots with LARGE CEMENT BEAMS that are STRONGER than your door.  Not good for the door.

'92 Suzuki Sidekick is almost impossible to destroy.  REALLY!

But, changing a fuel pump while the tank is full is NOT CONSIDERED FUN!

A '96 Lada Niva will also roll start at only 5 kph!

More car facts as they develop.