Well it's about TIME.   The fine team of Microsoft Canada is sent all together at ONCE to an all expenses paid, all the poutine you can EAT, Junket at Redmond Washington.

Four full days (excluding plane ride!) of Seminars, and cool new products, Xbox360 tournaments and a little WELL WELL earned Rest and Relaxation!

Oh and it's a special day today!   Greeting them at the gates of the hallowed halls of Redmond; are the one and ONLY Microsoft Trio!  That's right!  Balmer, Gates and Allen!  How much cooler and geekier can you get?!

"Hi everybody I'm Steve Ballmer, CEO of Microsoft.  Welcome to the Holy Land!  I will be your guide into some of the most cutting edge technology THIS century! YEEEEEEEHAAAAAAA!!!!!"

"I'm Bill Gates! I'm still richer than sin and I'm still a nice guy.   I'll take you into my ludicrous fantasy life where I spend my time doing good to the world with my beautiful wife Melinda. I'm sort of a modern day super man without all the good press!"

"And I'm Paul Allen!  The guy everybody forgot about and just as smart as Bill and Steve!  I'll be doing something impressive that nobody will expect..."

The entire team from Mississauga stands in awe.   They are standing security guard free, shaking  hands with the true computer Gods!

They all set their bags down in the midst of the Redmond hall.  A gasp.  A sigh.  Wow!  I mean they've all BEEN there before.  But to be in the present of these movers and shakers of industry is almost untouchble.

But....

Steve Ballmer looks at the ground.   "Well who brought this little fella?"

He of course is looking at Mr. Trouble who has gone to the GREAT difficult of squeezing into somebody's suitcase.  Just to see "THEM".  The Gods.  The Holy men of Microsoft.   I mean wouldn't you go these efforts just to say "Thanks guys, your life changed me for the better?"

Well he did.

Mr. Trouble is sitting there, on all fours.  Panting away and scratching at his ears.   He is holding up a "Bob" CD.

Mr Balmer looks at it with disdain.   "Oh, who gave him THIS to chew on... I thought we destroyed the last of these."

Mr. Trouble stands there on hind legs, howling to the world.

Rick from CanitPro team steps up.  "Er uh... Steve, Mr. Ballmer sir?   I think you hurt it's... his ... feelings.  He actually liked 'Bob'.  He understood it had flaws but it to him, was like a forgotten child of Microsoft."

Mr. Ballmer glances over at the Bill Guy and Mr. Allen.   People poked fun at some of their earlier work.  This guy was ... a... fan?

Damir pipes up. "Oh yeah, he seems to be a fanatic in general.  We tried to control him in Canada but.. uh... well... there were issues."

Many of the team nod in agreement.    Roasting's and blazing's and songs oh my.  Damn the Addams family.

The Bill Guy looks over.  This half hairless creature is running about in circles.   "And what exactly does it want?"

Kerri pipes up "To work for Microsoft, that's it.   It .. he... doesn't care in what fashion.  He's even willing to sweep curbs!   Although we haven't forgotten those incidents in Mississauga!"

Paul Allen looks over.  "Incidents?"

"Oh good grief.   Have you ever seen a squirrel on coffee, like in the movie 'Hoodwinked'?" Rodney perks up.

Bill glances.  "Uh... yeah... actually I did.  Fun movie too."

"Well this fellow, out of the kindness of our hearts, we brought to meet us.   We allowed him to post his silly things on the website.  Gave him a 'Funny Friday'.  Thought that could focus him.   Then he broke loose in Mississauga." Barnaby shook his head.

Ballmer stood aghast. "You don?t have security?!"

John's turn.  "Sir.  Security can deal with many knowns and unknowns, it could not be prepared for the full uncontrolled, unparalleled enthusiasm this thing contains.   We finally let it sweep curbs.   It was happy with the technicality of working for Microsoft in that fashion."

"So." Mr. Gates pops out casually; "If I was to dangle this priceless rare Altair computer in front of him..."

Without a pause, immediately, instantly, as if on cue, Mr. Trouble stands at attention and watches the most glorious and simplest of systems in front of him.   He is stopped. 

...Nobody has ever seen this happen...

Mr. Gates puts the Altair on the ground with two words "You may..."

Mr. Trouble stands there, amazed.   To touch an Altair.    He pauses.   He offers his hand to the trio of Microsoft.  

"Thank you." it states.  Nothing more.  No drooling.  No jumping about like a complete idiot.

Then...then... oh no... for a moment, there was peace.  Then one of the SQL Gods who was there on that fated Friday before Energize IT appears.  

"Hi everybody!" Mr. Trouble smells....smells... TECHNOLOGY!!!

And off he goes.... bolting like a little kid in a toy shop.

Mr. Ballmer looks at Phil, president of Microsoft Canada.   "Hmm so what do you do to bring him down?"

Phil John and Mark look and each other; and in Unison state "Just hire the dummy!  He'll take any job."

---- We'll let history take over at this part when the time comes,,,

In this hard pressed world of stress and pressures,  Some of us have forgotten the basics.

How to relax.   In this simplistic guide.  We're going to discover the basics of that long forgotten art; RELAXING.

Seems simple doesn't it?  Just don't "DO" things.  

Right.   Let's just see if you can remember the basics.

DON'T answer the phone.

DON'T check the email.

DO sit down.

DO open your choice of beverage, whether that be beer, wine, cool, or even a simple Iced-Tea.

DO stick your feet in the cold wet pool, or the hot foot massager.

DO lie down and think about NOTHING or SOMETHING fun.

DON'T think about work.

DON'T think about taxes.

DO think about sitting down with the loved one of your choice.

DO consider actually playing.

DO vegetate.  Why Not?  It's soooo EASY!

DON'T fix the car, unless the car fixing is something you do for relaxation.

DO sit in the water and get all wrinkly.

DON'T cook a lot, unless it's for fun.

Remember, gas barbeque's do NOT require lighter fluid.

Also don't forget to throw the odd hot dog to the dog.

Hug your kids.

Hug your accountant (Hey they figured a way to pay for it all!)

Hug your significant other and forget about the two hour fight about "What is the best way to get to the cottage"

DON'T forget to dance in the daisies.

DO USE SUNSCREEN!!! Really important.

DON'T try drinking that beer from last night.  It probably isn't good anymore.

DO PLAY

DON'T WORK (even if work FEELS like play sometimes)

DO Power off all Cellphones, Smartphones, Blackberries, laptops, game devices, deathrays, alien beacons.

DON'T power off the cameras, camcorders, etc. 

DON'T FORGET Batteries!

DO bring ice for your choice of beverage.

DO read a book for pleasure, rather than a manual on decoding Macro Assembler (unless you consider that fun, in which case go AHEAD!)

DON'T Juggle the CAT!  That's taking relaxation to extreme.

DON'T Chug ten two-fours at once.   That's a trip to the hospital.

DON'T race about on the motorcycle and try to jump over the kids in the boat.  That's silly.

DON'T try to race your TurboDiesel Volvo against the guy with the Corvette.  That's stupid.

DON'T try to outdo your kids at a "hold your breath underwater game".  That's pushing the limits of human being power.

DO run.

Do jump.

Do have fun.

You see relaxing is actually pretty easy if you just don't try.   That's the trick.

Enjoy the long weekend and let's just remember the basics.   To not TRY... ;)

Just remember the tune "!5 men on a dead man's chest"

8 whole days I've been workin' in a row
One single beer, I just wanna go
A little sleep would do me a bit of good
One hot dinner and some very tasty food

15 days I've been workin' in a row
I can't feel my legs, and I think I've lost a toe
My fingers feel so numb that I cannot even type
I can't use my bankcard, I don't have the strength to swipe

22 days I've been working in a row
The world spins about, everything is going slow
I think that piece of burger is talkin' straight to me
He's sayin' that to avoid the evil oak tree

39 days I've been workin' in a row
The aliens have come, to take me to show
The elves and leprachauns, are dancing all about
If they don't stop it, I think I'm gonng shout

90 days I've been workin' in a row
I now have mental powers, I just watch and make things grow
I can float about, and use telepathy
Just ask the nice white men, the ones that hauled off me.

Oh come on... We've all had them. Those neighbours that run their stereo until 3:45 am in the morning on a Wednesday, every day of the week. The kind with the loud and noisy kids playing "Screamer" until the next day's dawn.

You've cursed and swore. You've tried every approach. No matter what you do, they JUST WON'T STOP!

Finally a solution for the rest of us. A cost effective solution.

New "NUKE-IT-ALL"!

Yes new "NUKE-IT-ALL" is the answer to all of your noisy neighbour, barking dog, flower-eating-squirrel and general overall problems!

It's quick, it's efficient! You'll never run into the problem again! And available at the local "WalMart" for only a mere, $99,999,999.99! What a bargain.

Simple purchase you're convenient package of "NUKE-IT-ALL", target the offending local, Secure it with the double-keys... Aim carefully...

*BLAAMMMO* ... One mushroom cloud later and all of your noisy neighbour problems are gone. Note side affects of radiation, cancer and general mutations may be experienced when you use "NUKE-IT-ALL"

Sponsors are not responsible for overuse of "NUKE-IT-ALL". "NUKE-IT-ALL" cannot and will not be held for blame for overuse of "NUKE-IT-ALL". Recommends use of Lead shielding whenever possible. Do not use "NUKE-IT-ALL" in the presence of Daleks, Mutoids or Giant Lizards as it may enhance their condition.

Once upon a high end query, while I sat weak eyed and bleary,
Staring at a large and oversized Information store,
I felt myself a snoozing, but not a result of boozing,
As dreams felt floating, floating to a quieter shore,
But I bolted up blinking, blinking at a screen that was winking
Making me forget quickly about some magical land or lore

But A time I do remember, A dark and fateful past December,
When times were grim and people were feeling down
A cry went to the street, a pounding of the feet
"Too few numbers they did use!" said the many with a frown
Their eyes popped wide open, the industry has spoken
The Beast was about to crawl out and show its face to the town

This problem must not linger, and with a blasting of the finger
Many a coder was brought forth from forgotten past
COBOL code was dug back out, "An EXTRA TWO" they did shout,
Lines were rewritten in a flurry from the first to the last
Hollerith readers were brought in, to re-read the ancient sin,
Created by coders who who's own code they did not outlast.

But the ancients were heard to find, and companies were in a bind,
"Hire those that will" and we will make it worth their while
And so the schools shoved out, many a talented and helpless lout
"Code or DIE" they screamed as they thrown upon the pile
And with a shrieking of the masses, as they exited their classes
The gathered slowly to the dreaded COBOL Isle

And so the task began, for it was a simple plan.
Change from two to four and recompile it at the end
And then the problems came to all, With this task we may fall
For it was not just COBOL code that was hit with this bend
Pascal, Forth and Basic too, twas like opening up a zoo
The problems came forth and more they had to mend

And then the nightmare grew, the many were not few
For they dug into other problems that were not seen
VCR's and Airplanes were checked, sometimes things turned out wrecked
For they were also from times that'd been
Car computers "Please no way", Other things they could not say
But the dragon Y2K crawled it's way out to the scene

And so the battle came, our goals were all the same
For one short moment peace seemed a possible goal
For we were united as one, in this twisted mirky fun
To take up the swords and take down the beasts role
Quoth the world stand away, we will smite down Y2K
and soon we shall spit it remains to a bowl

A Great united cause, for nobody would ever pause
to allow this creature to become free
Company bonuses did ensue and Incentives from Governments flew
to strike down the power of this creature from ancient "C"
Old systems were thrown out, to fight these evil lout
Cascades and upgrades were performed to have the dragon flee.

The battle continued on, our time was almost gone
to eliminate the fouls we once did make and play
The coders were a quivering, the people were a shivering
Time was coming soon, we may all go away
The beast it sat there grinning, for it would soon be winning,
"Fear me now, for I am the dragon Y2K"

The Dragon licked it lips, the people had many slips
and falls as they tried to fight it down
Missiles launched without trying, as their time they thought was flying
as many more glitches and errors made us frown
But the dragon sat there with a smile, an evil grin to cover the while
It's stomach grumbled in anticipation as it moved towards the town.

The coders said "Do or DIE", It became there battle cry
for they would not go down without a fight
The Dragon let it shout, it would not let them out
For this time was its own, it would let fire in the night
Microsoft and IBM, Apple TOO became friends
to strike down this unseemly blight

But Commodores did still exist, within our very midst,
old Apples, Tandys and Osbornes were still alive and well
And the programs they still went, thought many of the systems were spent
processors and memory worn out long before the nell
So nobody thought twice, to correct that silly vice
Data was brought over, systems rewritten, their hearts dropped in the well

The beast was snarling loudly, it snapped it jaws so proudly
It roared its head to the very sky
Fear me now your time is short, I shall have you all soon for sport
The dragon Y2K snapped its jaws and began to fly
It's claws they were a gleaming, and in truth it was a seeming
That soon, our time on this planet would be nigh

Stories they began to float, reporters told and wrote
of terrifying sights that would happen during that day
Planes and satellites would be falling, the Russians would be calling
to warn of of the dangers and creatures about to play
The world it was ending, and our sins though they were mending
were about to claim us all on the night of Y2K

Friends and familys joined as one, Let's all just have some fun
Old enemies were forgiven this short time
For in this night if were are wrong, what is the problem with some song
For in this world, happiness cannot be a crime
And so for a short bit, nobody yelled or had a fit
About petty things before that death bell would chime

But the dragon yelled to all, for soon you will fall
to the errors created in your own way
I will fly to town and sea, my presence it will be
forever written in books and not forgotten today
For I am the mighty creature, in films they did feature
The dreaded, vicious and might dragon Y2K.

So we hid inside our home, Better to be alive and not alone
Sat down upon a chair to ponder our plight
The night it was not pleasing, for the beast it was teasing,
taunting me of that dreaded wight
I hugged my children, kissed my life, prayed to God to spare their life
Sat huddled in a corner to wait through this terrible night.

Sleep it did happen, But wait, what is this?  This morning I did not miss!
I woke up to see the very lovely day!
Sun is gleaming, birds are singing, the church bells are dinging.
The dragon it seems did NOT come out to play
Time is here, a new day shows, The wind it gently blows,
And to the dragon I cry "Screw you Y2K!"

 MIP Profile - Sean Kearney

Microsoft Most Insane Professionals (MIPs) are exceptional screwballs who tend to go overboard on just about everything.   Although they have sound technical abilities, they tend to be feared by community leaders from around the world.

The MIP Program is not so much an honor as it is a warning.  *BEWARE*.  It is completely and utterly in every way and respect UNRELATED to the MVP Program.   Those are the Elite.   The MIP program involves warning potential industry professionals about the dangerous ones.

Today we interview the first (and hopefully the last EVER) MIP in the program, Sean Kearney; or as he likes to be knows as "Ye110wbeard".

Sean has been known to stick his fingers (Literally) into anything electronic.   Whether his hands are wet or dry is not the issue.   He has touched (and in some ways badly) many computers from helpless Commodore Vic20's to Macs and PC's.    Some even survived.   

He has a strong tendency towards many caffeinated products and will tend towards roasting innocent members of large corporations.   He frequents many events just for "Free Swag" and the occasional breakfast.

What does being an MIP mean to you?
It means people come up and offer me money to stay away.   I think I cleared six figures last month between IBM and Disney World alone.   I used to try and work for the big companies, but as an MIP I make more in payoffs to keep clear of them.   I think Apple wrote me about $50,000 just to try and enter a Microsoft event.   Then Microsoft countered with Triple that.  I should retire by the end of next July.

If you could ask Steve Ballmer one question about Microsoft, what would it be? 
"Hey yo!  Steve baby!  I've got box of Captain Crunch and some Burger King coupons!  Wanna buy me lunch?  I'll treat for coffee!" 

What do you think the best software ever written was?
The Best program ever written?  Oh heck that's EASY.   Pong.   And I'm talking "Classic Pong".  None of this wussy Arkanoid crap I'm seeing out there nowadays.   Give me old fashioned, one paddle, broken joystick pong.   "Gears of War" indeed! 

If you were the manager of Visual Studio, what would you change?
Well first off, I would start by actually feeding the developers.   Then the colours would have to change.  I think each box should come with a free Laser pointer and possibly some plutonium.  As well every 500th purchase should get a trip to the moon.

What are the best features/improvements of Visual Studio?
Actually I think it sucks.   It doesn't do N-code.   It won't read any of my Commodore Floppy disks.  It certainly doesn't compile logo very fast.   I tried to compile some COBOL code in it and it wouldn't deal with my big pile of Hollerith cards.   Just WHAT kind of program is THAT?!

What was the last book you read?
The Anarchist Cookbook.   But I don't understand why every time I cook something from it, the taste is so bad or my oven explodes.  My cat won't go near the stuff either.  I can't understand how it was EVER a bestseller.

What music CD do you recommend?
I highly recommend converting an audio CD player to music computer data CD's.  I mean listening that is a complete blast.

What makes you a great MIP?
I am great because I am SO modest.   There's nothing greater than me or myself.   Not even my own ID can compare with me.   Why would you ask such a silly question?

What is in your computer bag?
Hmmm, I found three crickets, a Dell Inspiron meshed together with bits of an old Acer.   Some Juicy Fruit and *OOoooo!* I was looking for that.   Hand Grenades?   How did those get in there.  One Holy Grail, Several crumpled up ideas for blogs.  YEAACH, do you want a nine day old Baloney sandwich?  It's only got one bite taken out.

What is the best thing that has happened since you have become an MIP?
Well to be honest the money and the respect.   I used to be afraid to walk into rooms?   Now I look forward to it and the incoming checks, visa cards, Rolex Watches.

What is your motto?
One motto, Cash First, Visa Mastercard Second, Gold and Silver are always accepted.

Who is your hero?
I have so many heroes I can't count.  I mean being an MIP is a mesh of nut and IT Professional.  So let me see there's Weird Al, Bill Cosby, Bill Gates,Jack Tramiel, Steve Jobs, Simon Travaglia.  But I think my biggest hero is the fellow that invented Fireworks.   And that guy that made Coco Puffs.  

What does success mean to you?
It means lots of money, hot chicks, and expensive ridiculous car, airplanes, laser guns, cottage on the moon.   All the things my lovely wife won't let me buy this week.   So I'll settle for a pack of Pretzels some Molsen Canadian and a two four of Jolt Cola.

To find out more about the MIP program, contact the local insane asylum for advice on what to do.

Ok this is not exactly "new" to others in the know, but I just have to say I LOVE using this little beast!

Not only can I work on all my ideas offline (especially sitting down in underground parking where there is NO wifi) But it even gives me an idea as to what the page will look like before it goes up.

The Fact that it spell checks is great!   (As far as I can see, only US English, dammit there is a "u" in colour!)

Too bad it doesn't do a grammatical check (Sometimes I'm in such a blur to dump my thoughts, I forget the odd word).   But for that I really should just be using Word 2007.

But if you're interesting the place download it is here. 

And I just found out about plug in gallery for Live Writer

It's fantastic!

Now a few features I would like to see.

Ability to insert video hotlinks (Maybe it's there, didn't see it) Oh never mind, this will do it.

The ability to download my Entire blogs for archiving / editing.   Don't know if that's a limitation or live.com or Live Writer.

Grammar check.

Download my Categories and allow me to Categorize the post before sending it.   A pain to go back and categorize it after posting it.

Other than that, why call it Beta?   ... :)

Beginning part - to "Gilligan's Isle" - Sing along to it if you can find the WAV or MP3 somewhere

Just sit right down to hear a tale Of a fateful server crash

No backup tapes or redundancy the client had no cash

The Admin was a mighty hacking man Who feared no thing at all

Five problems came out to play that day The Network was about to fall

It was about to fall

The Viruses came out to play and left them crying all the while

With the mail server down No internet too

A Power Surge in the pile Three crashed hard drives

They're screwed and blue and now tattooed

Here in Murphy's LAN

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Final song

So this is the tale of our dumb admin He'll be busy for a long long time

Data Recovery is a Slow process And expensive at the best.

The Admin and his client too will make offerings to the gods

to bring this network back online what a bunch of stupid clods

No server, No files, No internet, It's a useless bloody mess

Like a two year old with a Ferrari, they're as useless as can be

So watch these twits try to clean it up

Yiou're sure to get a smile

From the lack of common sense and brains

Here in Murphy's LAN

For the many of you who have had difficulty with this language; I have invested a great deal of time in decoding the dialects.  So now here we have it.  How to speak "CAT".

"Meow!"

My food bowl is empty! Fill is now else I chew up your throw pillow!

"Meow, wrow!"

I am going to rub against your leg until you let me outside or decide to juggle me, your choice.

"Mew, Meow."

Mmmm that baloney sandwich looks interesting.   Mind showing it to me?  Or I could just claw your back.

"Purr purr purr purr."

I'm feeling like real tired out man.  Can I have some more Catnip.  Innagoddadavida baby!

"MEEEEOOOOOWWWW"

That was my tail!  Do you mind?

"Mew mew mew mew."

I just left 'something' behind your bed, would you like to look?

"meow"

I found a mouse and I'm sharing it with you.

Stunned look on face as it's head spins in circles.

 "There's a bright red light.   Let me have the bright red light."

"Mrow?"

I was wondering, do you have any grey Poupon for this bird I found?

"Meooooooooooooow"

FEED ME NOW! FEED ME NOW!

"Mraw"

The dog is looking at me.  Make it stop.

"Hiiiiiiiiiiiss"

Another cat is looking at me.  Make it stop!

"Mraw Hissssssssss" 

A cat that's as big as a dog just ate my food.

"MRRRRREEEEOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWW!!!!"

Get this kid off me now, do I LOOK like a Hobby Horse?

*klunk* "Meow" *klunk* "Meow" *Klunk* -

I sink aww fawwn thith wonderthul water.  *hic* Got any more?  *YAK*

Cat running in circles

Look at moth! Look at moth! Look at moth! Look at moth! Look at moth! Look at moth! *CHOMP* *URP*

*ACK* *ACK* *ACK* *ACK* -

Sorry I had something in my throat.  Had to clear it.   Now clean it up.

Complete and utter silence

Dead Cat

I am proud to say I am not only her biggest fan but her brother.

www.namolibrennet.com

www.myspace.com/namolibrennet

All music is available on iTunes.

Look out world.   She's going to take you all by storm.   Elvis back off...Geddy sit down... ;)

There I did a shameless plug.... :)

WOOOHOOOOOOOO!

I got to see the RC in action.   I can't wait to build to box to home this one for real!

YEEEHAAAA!

http://blogs.technet.com/homeserver/archive/2007/07/16/ship-it.aspx

It's been a long day.    A VERY long day.   Poor old dad has been a running about the whole silly place just patching EVERYTHING together.  

But at last, he is home.   Back with his wife and children.   Not to mention the dog, cats, gerbils and rabbit. 

But home is home and it is nice...

Poor old Dad has decided to just kick down and enjoy a nice piping hot bath.   Both THIS was going to feel good. 

He wanders down to the hot water heater.   He cranks the temperature to "INSANE".    Nothing better than a truly hot bath.

So he wanders upstairs, grabs "the Good Towels".   The kind that don't feel like a barrel of sandpaper grinding on your back.     He is just about to sit down when...

Bzzzzzzzzzzowwww.

Something fly's by his face.   A large BROWN thing at that.   It is his arch nemesis.

The most feared of all creatures...

IT IS THE MOTH!

Many a day, Dad has dreaded it's return.   Oh the moth was terrible!

As a child, the moth would try to swoop down and scoop him away.   It would try to fly into his mouth.  

The moth even grew eyes one day.

This was a vile creature.

And there was only one thing for a man like Dad to do.

One thing.

It was time... to stand up... to face it...and

RUN AWAY!!!!!!

Dad bolts downstairs, faster than Mercury, quicker than the flash.  

WHOOOOSH!

Down twenty stairs in one leap!   Across the hall.   Down to the back door.

BEHIND THE COUCH.

*Huff* *Puff* *Huff* *Puff* *Huff* *Puff* *Huff* *Puff*

He looks.   The moth is nowhere to be found.   Outsmarted him this time I...

Bzzzzzzzzzzowwww.

Dad shrinks in terror.   The Vicious moth is hovering overhead, taunting him and teasing him.  It's the biggest one he has ever seen!  It's almost a HALF INCH WIDE!

Ok.   It's me or him.   I can't hit him on the ceiling because he might swoop down on me.  Raid and flamethrowers are out.   Got a little carried away last time.

But wait... the towel!  IT's large.  Harmless to most things.... Except MOTHS!

*Whoosh* *WHAM*

*Whoosh* *SWACK*

*Whoosh* *Kapow*

Dad pursued that moth with great determination.  Finally in one last shot.

*WHOOOOSH* */splat\*

"AHAH!" Dad cries in victory! He opens the door to the neighborhood and does a victory dance.   He high fives the cat!.

"Yes!   The Moth is DEAD!!! YeeeeHAAA!!"

And then... and only then does Dad release a small important truth.  He bolted straight from the bathroom downstairs.   He was about to get in the tub.  

Dad is standing there in the open doorway swinging a towel in victory...

In his birthday suit.

We pass today into the most hallowed halls.   The libraries of Microsoft.

A balding gentleman with a goatee looks up.

"Who seeketh knowledge must pass by me.   Ask thy questions of me."

The poor shaky little creature looks up and asks.

"Oh mighty man of knowledge, who knows and sees all.  I have but one question."

"Ask away youngster, for I know all.   And what I don't know, I learn quickly."

He glances behind himself and gestures along the many volumes.

"Look upon the many books of knowledge..."

It is true... There were many titles to take in, too many to count.   Mountains and mountains of volumes.   Sure they could have been archived to DVD libraries.   But it wouldn't LOOK anywhere near as impressive.

So many books, so many answers.   Could he possibly know the answer to this one?

"Actually it is such a minor question.  I shall not bother you.   Good day." He would not insult the great Guardian, the writer of many works with such trivia.

The Guardian stands there puzzled.   Scratches his head.  

He straightens up.  "My child there is no such thing as a dumb question, dumb people on the other hand...."

The Guardian was truly wise and tugged at his beard thoughtfully.    He had written many books on too many subjects to count.    But this question was too trivial.

"No no.   It is ok.    It is too trivial, even for the great Guardian of knowledge."

The Guardian stands there, now getting into a bit of a huff.   "Now look here, it didn't become the great guardian of knowledge because I look cool on a book cover.   I like to answer questions.   How can I answer questions if you don't give them to me."

The little one stood there.   This great one is correct.  I shall ask.  Not asking is the greatest insult to the Guardian.   And insulting Guardians is NOT a good idea.   It tends to go badly.   I will ask.

"Oh Great Guardian, oh knower of knowledge, oh Writer of passages, oh answer my useless question."

The Guardian stands there waiting.

"And what was the question?"

"Oh mighty...."

"The question?"

"Right.   The question is..."

"Yes?"

"Err....I forgot."

The Guardian stands there.  He is flabbergasted.  This is incredible.

"Little one, how far did you travel for this question?"

"Hmmm.    From Canada to Redmond with a quick stopover in Disney World..... FAR!"

"And did you maybe think to write the question down?   Being that this is not exactly a short trip and although the great Guardian has patience, I do have other things to do.   My inbox has over 1000 sitting in it right now.   So if you could be so kind as to..."

The little one blinks.  "Of course!" The little paper he crinkled up in the back of his pocket.

"Why do they mark those little packages with the phrase 'Do Not Eat' when there is obviously nothing delicious to eat in them?"

The Guardian blinks.   A question of the ages.   A question calling upon his greatest intellect.

"I shall consult the books...." The Guardian responds.

He goes to the many volumes, scans through the pages.   No answer there.

This was perplexing, the volumes are ripped down one by one.  "Oracle Database 10g OCP Certification All-In-One Exam Guide", "SQL Certification Bible","MCSA Windows Server 2003 All-in-One Exam Guide (Exams 70-270,70-290,70-291)", "MCSE Training Guide (70-217)- Windows 2000(R) Active Directory Services Infrastructure".   So many volumes.   So much information.

Why was this answer eluding him?

But this makes no sense is the problem.   Nobody would WANT to eat it.    Why would they do such a thing?"

"Little one please wait, I must consult with the rest of the seers." The Guardian states.

And so the Guardian steps back.   He opens the gates and accesses the Holy Books as well as consulting the Ancient Texts.

No answers can be found!  The question is now boggling.   And then the answer comes to him.  It is so simple.   

The Guardian marches up to the counter.

The little one looks up "Yes Oh Guardian?"

"The answer to your question, 'Why do they mark those little packages with the phrase 'Do Not Eat' when there is obviously nothing delicious to eat in them?'  That was your question?"

"Yes Oh Guardian."

"The Answer."

"Yes."

"Is."

"Yes... I await."

"Well it's... it's 'Just cuz'"

The little one looks down and up and side to side; "Thank you O Guardian.   I accept your answer.  But does it have nothing to do with 'Lawyers'?"

Lightening strikes down.   The floor cracks open.   "Speak never those words of those creatures in my presence!  Begone with you!"

And with that the little one was eradicated in a puff of flawed logic.  

Sometimes silly questions are best left unasked.

Sung to the "Spiderman" theme song ala '60's cartoon show'

SQL man, SQL man,
Protects the data however he can,
Mirrors it all for redundancy,
Servers flip over so easily,
Look Out!
Here comes the SQL Man.

Is he smart?
Listen dude,
He eats scripts For his food.
Data crashes cannot be.
He's got Raid 10 redundancy
Whoa now
There goes the SQL man

When the indexes go
in the middle of the night
He can rebuild them all
Right at the speed of light

SQL man, SQL man
Spreads data throughout the land
Defrags tables When he's bored
Stability is his reward.
For him, data is not allowed to hang up
Whenever that table's not up
You'll find the SQL man!

It has been a few days the troublemaker began his virtual low level street sweeping position (Hey this is fiction, I didn't say I EVERY actually got hired.... ;) )

The staff are ALL on edge.

The "accident" didn't happen.

Common sense.   Just a tiny little bit of common sense.   That's all it took for this little rat to avoid disaster.

NUTS!

So we see the entire office in a state of high alert.   Coffees are gone through quicker than a big bag of "Smarties" at a two year old's party.   The air is ripe with the smell of nicotine.  People are locking the office doors.

All are on alert and tensing for his next move.

Nothing, absolutely nothing has happened yet.   Which makes ALL of this more mind numbingly awful!

It is now Tuesday morning.      Staff begin to wander in.    There is a large table full of neatly laid out coffees from Tim Hortons.   Mountains of glorious donuts piled high to sky.   Steaming pots of tea.

And standing, on the far side beaming like an idiot, is the troublemaker.

Staff began to gather around the cornucopia, all are in a strange state.   Free Coffee BUT....

"Did he do this?  What if there's a bomb?"

"He's smiling, I'll bet he put in dirt from the road in that coffee."

"You know what?   I'll bet it's not even Tim Hortons!   He's an American, I'll bet he couriered in Dunkin Donuts Coffee."

And so the conversations and rumors begin.   It echoes throughout the buliding.    Finally the "take charge" guys pop down.

"Alright, what seems to be the problem here." John meanders over.

"Well... you see sir, " a quiet little voice offers up.   "There's all this wonderful coffee and donuts sitting here..."

"...And exactly what is the problem?"

At that exact moment, thousands of fingers point to a beaming idiot with a broomstick in his hand. 

"***THAT***" They all say in unison.

John now understands the situation.   *HE* brought in the coffee.  What a horrible thing to do.   Free coffee and donuts for Canadians.   Oh this was the worst one yet.   I mean EVERYBODY has seen the "Coyote Roadrunner" cartoons.   Only who was the "Roadrunner" in this one?

Mr Trouble just sits there beaming away.   Smiling like a twisted little Leprechaun.

The bomb squad is called in.

Drug sniffing dogs are called in.

Xrays are shipped in to examine the donuts.

Samples are sent off to the centre for Disease control.

STILL NOTHING!

"John, I have a thought." Barnaby suggests.

"Hmm?"

"There is a small remote chance..." Barnaby offers...

"Yes yes yes... go on..."

"Well that he DID it to be... I know this sounds crazy...To.. to...."

"Spit it out damn it!  Get your thoughts out!" John is flustered!   This nonsense has given him a 12 alarm headache.

"...Well that he just did it to be nice..."

Silence.

It couldn't be.

The possibility isn't there.

This creature, this troublemaker, this nuisance... "Nice".

No... no... it has to be something else.

Rodney steps up.  "I could sample some.... I used to eat at some REALLY bad restaurants so I've pretty much immune to anything."

Of course not to be outdone.  Rick steps in "Oh you haven't seen anything, the places we have in Ottawa is only fit for politicians!"

...and of course a small game of "Volunteering" mixed with one upmanship begins.

"That's it.   Go ahead sample it."  John has had it.   It's good or it's bad.  "You do realize if you die, it will eradicate death benefits from Microsoft?    This would be considered insanity..."

And so they all step up.  Rodney, Rick, Damir, Ruth, Barnaby and Kerri.     It's late on a Tuesday morning.      The coffees at least might still be warm.   Those donuts DID smell good..."

And so they lifted the cups... A hush falls over the crowd.    Donuts are lifted in unison.

"Who wants to live forever Eh?" Damir suggests.

"Down the hatch all" pipes in Ruth.

...And so the donuts.... and then the coffees are drank.

Pause

Pause

"You know," Rodney mutters.   "Those weren't half ba......"

And then the convulsions!   The entire team drops to the floor in one of the most spasmodic displays EVER.    Coffee cups drop.   People begin bursting for the exits.   Doors are smashed down!  

Later as the dust clears, Mr Trouble is standing at the door with great dismay! 

"How?!" He mutters to himself.   "Those were fresh from Tim Horton's next door.   I actually DID try to do something nice...."

He mumbles oddly. 

Then a knock at the Window.    Seven beaming laughing idiots pointing.

GHOSTS!

No no... Not ghosts.... Fakers!

He picks himself up and gasps!  They're not DEAD? HOW?!

"So.... make us get the 'Addams Family' stuck in our head?" John points.   "One word"

"REVENGE!"

Somebody gave me one of these about a month ago.   Mice are mice right?

I had the Microsoft Notebook Mouse for quite a while and it was great.  Astounding battery life.   Responsive.  Just did it's job solidly.  

How can you improve on that?

Well you COULD add in Bluetooth, maybe some Presentation controls, zoom option, Laser Pointer and even a Volume option.

You COULD do that.

Well these people at Microsoft (horrible fiends that they are!) DID that!

It's about $129 Canadian and comes with a Bluetooth Receiver in the box.  So gee.  That means my present crappy non bluetooth enabled PC is now; Bluetooth enabled!  I've already used it to pair my system with the SMT5600, Logitech Cordless Elite keyboard and even a Bluetooth headset for fun.

You know what?  It JUST worked!

Now I haven't had a lot of opportunity to do presentations (ok to be honest, er, none!) But it strikes me after watching some of them in action, not having to carry three or four devices to run a presentation MIGHT be a good thing.

Facing up normally it's a standard mouse, 6 buttons on top (one to switch to presenter mode) and of course a scrolling wheel.   Flip it over and click the "Presenter button" and you've got a Laser pointer, frame control and volume.

Sorry, they didn't include a full Laser cook beam THIS time.

It's not a rechargeable mouse, but like most new Cordless/Wireless mice it has an astounding battery life.   These are the same batteries for the last month with the switch on!

Ok ok... Wait, there's more.   They also give you a nice Hardshell carrying case for the mouse and Bluetooth dongle in case you MIGHT just want to take from home to work.   Why not?

In short.  Get one of these.  If you don't, well I feel sorry for your fingers... ;)

Ok I grabbed one of these about three weeks ago.  It's been a BLAST!

I like to have fun with my passwords and can come up with some really goofy ones.   And of course the old rule of thumb.  DON'T WRITE IT ON A STICKY NOTE AND PUT IT ON YOUR MONITOR.

Well this sucker just takes away all the stress.

There usually about $50 Canadian in most shops (Cheaper if you look around).   Now I'm not sure how it is on a corporate level but here in the house it's better than sliced bread.   Anything in Windows (So far!) that can ask for a password I can attach to my fingerprints.

Now what's nice is it doesn't kill the ability for me to type in passwords.   It works WITH it.  It coexists beautifully.   So I can still go into my system remotely, key in a ridiculous password and get to work.  

But in the house.   "Touch" and it's in.

I let me Teenage son at it.   Nope.   It was tied to my finger prints. 

the neat thing I'm thinking of trying is buying one for each kid.   Simplest reason of all.   Try getting a 10 year old (or a teenager) to use a good password to keep each other out of their desktops.  It's just like Herding cats!

Now with one of these, I can setup the system with an acceptable 73 Character long password, complete with Upper,Lower, Punctuation, Numbers, Cyrillics and Vulcan (you get the idea) and the only way in is through the finger printer reader.   Keeps them in line! 

Of course it doesn't negate the option of somebody getting a bruised thumb (I think that's a new form of BruteForce cracking (pardon the pun!)

But as an added bonus?   It DOESN'T LIKE DIRTY FINGERS!  The kids ACTUALLY have to have clean hands to use the computer.

Check it out Microsoft Finger Reader.   On eBay look for it now.

This is sung to the theme song of the Coyote Roadrunner show.   Google it.   You'll find it.

And of course anybody CAUGHT doing this antics are definitely potential Darwin Award winners

CHERRY PICKER

If you're on a cherry picker and you hear it go "Creak Creak"

No sound is scarier on any day of the week

You were on top of their dancing just like a clown

Soon you'll be tumbling and falling and crashin' down

Cherry Picker

It'll do a tall and scary height

Cherry Picker

That moth will make your face go white

Playin' Tarzan way up from fourty feet

No other fun you thought could be every beat

Then that giant metal beast started swayin' away

Guess that's the end of an otherwise enjoyable day

Cherry Picker

Dancing jigs on it ain't cool

Cherry Picker

Go right back to safety school

We've all had those days.   Elves under the cupboards.   Pixies hiding behind the TV set.  Dwarves and other woodland creatures monopolizing the back yard.

Then the worst of them all.  Leprechauns.   You've scrubbed and cleaned and sprayed.

No matter what you do.   They just keep coming back.   Those dreaded little leprechauns.

Finally there IS an answer.   A new product called "LepraSeize".   Yes all new "LepraSeize" will control all of your day to day Leprechaun problems.

Missing money?

"LepraSeize"

Keys gone missing again?

"LepraSeize" the problem.

Wondering just why all the clocks are blinking 12:00?  Grab some "LepraSeize" and spray away.

For those more heavy duty Leprechaun problems when the infestation has just gotten completely out of hand, we offer new "Wrath of Chaun".   A large scale Leprechaun eradication solution.

Simply bate the trap with an appropriate sized box of 'Lucky Charms', a small crate of good Irish whiskey and of course a keg of Guinness. (and a few gold coins for added intensity).   Then, when they're not looking press the release trigger.   Hours upon hours of Irish jigs will begin playing.   The little critters will come from miles around to dance.   Then, when an appropriately large gathering of them has built up, a large bengal tiger will burst out and gobble them all up.   The poor  little bastards will be so sloshed on  beer and whiskey they won't know what hit them.  (Sending the children away to Grandma's house before you do this is well advised!)

Unfortunately if you have any neighbours who happen LIKE Guinness, Whiskey, Irish jigs, gold coins OR just happen to like Lucky Charms; It would be probably a good idea to warn them in advance.  

Unless you don't like them; in which case also purchase an extremely good lawyer and a ticket to the Cayman Islands.

Hopefully this helps you deal with your Leprechaun problem.   The taunting and teasing they do can be just a little too much for some people.   I happen to LIKE Lucky Charms and they are forever eating them up.   And don't even ask what they did to the poor cat on St. Patrick's day! 

After they're gone, The pots of gold they leave behind are a nice touch.  

And you can donate that very fat Bengal tiger to the local zoo.   Or keep him on a leash to keep the paper boy at bay.  Your choice.