Space the final frontier.  These are the voyages of the United Starship Microprize.

It's forever mission, to explore strange new code.   To seek out life in new compilations.  To boldy code what nobody has

coded before!

Gates Trek....

(picture cool theme music that nobody will get out of their head for billions of years!)

Captain's log.  Stardate A100.2000.1223.BFED and a half.

We are looking at what appears to be a "DingDong" Apple Cruiser.

Klaxons sound.   Lights flash.   People run about with arms flailing.    The occasional set piece falls on the ground.

"Keppin keppin."

"Try again in English Hotty"

"WHAT?!"

"Sorry, I was thinking about that 'alien' I enountered last night."

"Stop that!  We all know you've copulated enough to populate the ENTIRE universe... and then some... STOP Bragging!"

"Sorry... hee hee.... Mr Blotto, what is the problem."

"Aside from the fact that I drank too much stuff that was 'Green', we're stuck in a time loop, I've Tribbles eating

EVERYTHING in site, computers crashing,  Dead aliens in the hallway... No no no... nothing REALLY to say now that you

mention."

"Ok ... so all in all a 'normal' day?"

"Aye, well 'cept for the dilithium crystals."

"What is it with them this time.  Worn out.  They need regeneration?   We have overused them.   We need to make an

Antimatter bomb?  What?"

"Well... it's a wee problem."

"What Mr. Blotto?"

"Uhhh....welll.....you see.....They've been virtualized."

....

"Try again Mr. Blotto?"

"Virtualized.... You know, converted to computer virtual environment..."

"Yes yes yes...I know all about it.... Why I remember this female crewmember who was in a virtual suite with me..."

"KEPPIN!"

"...Oh sorry... So the Dilithium crystals have been virtualized."

"Yes"

"So 'un-virtualize' them. Seems pretty obvious to me.   It's even written in the script."

"Well I would except that the 'De-virtual' program is still in Beta testing and we didn't pay the script writer. 

So...we...er... don't actually have an answer written."

"WHAT!?  You didn't pay the scriptwriter?!?!  Are you mad?!"

"It wasn't me Keppin.  It was Mr. Pock."

"Pock?"

"Yes sir!"

"Why didn't you pay the script writer?"

"Well it didn't seem 'logical'."

"Cut that out, that's a rip off from somebody else.   That 'Nimoy' guy."

"Well no it isn't.  I thought if we pay the scriptwriter, I can't afford to get my new Quadcore this month."

"...Ugh... illogical Mr Pock...  illogical as always..."

"Thank you sir.    May I leave and pursue silly endeavours?"

"Yes you may.  Oh boy and I stressed."

"Bums here."

"... You know if one more crewmember appears with a name a little close to a certain Sci-fi series, we're going to get

sued."

"Shut up.  I'm a doctor not a lawyer."

"... and a really bad doctor at that.  How did you get your medical license again?"

"Brain dumps.   I studied brain dumps!"

"... As I figured.  Ok people we have a problem here.   The acting is bad, the punch lines are getting weak and the lack of

creative names is getting to be a bit of an issue.   Plus Paramount's Lawyers are on the line."

*** GASP ***

The entire crew suddenly realizes what they need is an unsolveable predicament.    (Which they already should have

considering the complete and lack of plot, cohesion, story line, script writer and apparently even a link to the beginning

story part....  Didn't this start with the suggestion of a "funny computerish thing?)

*/*/*/ Overact modem on FULL \*\*\*

"What...we...need...here......is a problem." The captain stammers horribly as if unable to breath.

"Illogical Captain, we have a very BIG problem." Mr. Pock states.

"Dammit I'm a doctor not a script-writer!"

"....Aye... gimme some more green stuff.... " Slurs the chief engineer.

"Pock! What...if we were to....no....this is just impossible."

"Captain, the odds of impossibility are not there.   However it could be highly improbable..."

"Yes....Pock...THAT'S IT!  We need to do something...completely improbable.    Something nobody has EVER thought of

before..."

"No... you can't mean."

"Acting lessons.  We need to take...ACTING LESSONS.   And possibly hire a good script writer.    This unpaid one just isn't

working out."

"Captain?"

"Yes Mr. Pock?"

"Might I suggest we also send the chief engineer to 'AA'?"

"Logical as always Mr. Pock.  Logical as always."

And so a hot smelly little creature lays crouching in the seat of a smelly little truck.   Hoping and waiting for somebody to bother it.

And then "the whistle".  The phone it rings.   it rings.

It should talk to this phone.   Sometimes it makes funny sounds.   Sometimes it can hear funny people.

This time it sensed a presence on the other side.   A strange presence it had not felt since.....

"...Hello....This...Is....Microsoft..."

The little creature paused in it's tracks.   The voice.   It was calling him....

"...You...will...talk...to...us.........We...will...have...some...words..."

It shook in it's boots.   The great ones wished to speak with the little creature.   Had it displeased them?   Had it not done right?   Had it overblogged itself?

"...We...wish...you...to...join...us......But...you...must...answer...these...questions..."

Questions... "No", the little creature thought to itself.   I have angered and upset them.    They will smite me down.   What questions are they going to ask me?   Oh I am in trouble now!...

The little one spoke.  "Oh Mighty Lords of Microsoft, I am but a meek servant in your midst.   Please have pity on me..."

"...S.I.L.E.N.C.E..."

It quieted.   It had spoken out of turn.  Oh this would be bad.  Very bad.   Not good at all.

"...We...have...questions...of ...you..."

It waited... not twice would it make the same mistake...

"...Name...what...SIP...stands...for..."

The little creature paused.   SIP?  A straw?  What strange word could this mean?   Stand for?   You used a straw to drink from!

"To drink from.   Straw Is Powerful?" it quietly answered.  It thought it was a good answer.

"...N.O.O.O.O.!.!.!..." The voice boomed out..."...Next...Question......Name...The...Five...Roles...In...Exchange...2007..."

The little creature was puzzled.  What a strange question.   Exchange.  What is an Exchange?   Roles.  That it knew.

"The five roles are dinner, pizza,  crescent,  jumbo and Tootsie." It was proud.  It KNEW that well.   Mmmmm... Tootsie rolls.

"...N.O.O.O.O.!.!.!..." the voice shot back this time even faster.   Lightning bolts crackled about the little creature.  It shivered in fear.   It had not tried to be funny.   Were the great ones playing a trick on it?

"...Name...What...A...Pair...Of...PBX...Boxes...In...A...Company...Is..." Thunder rumbled as this was said.    The smell of ozone was in the air.

The little creature was afraid for it's life to answer this time.   It still smelled bits of fluff singed from that last bit of lightening.  Plus it's ears were starting to hurt from that booming voice.

"...errrr.....errr....it stammered...Oh Lords, have pity.   I am a meek servant willing to do thy bidding.   But your words are confusing to me."

"...CONSULT...THE...BOOK......OPEN...THE...BOOK..." A large orange book appeared before it  Many large scary words were inside of it.    But somehow it fascinated the little creature.

"...YOU...WILL...LEARN...OF...THIS...BOOK......OUR...WAYS...ARE...IN...HERE......KNOW...THEM...WELL..."

The creature paused... IT was looking for those nasty lightening bits.

"...WE...WILL...CALL...AGAIN......TWENTY-FOUR......FOURTY-EIGHT......HOURS......YOU...WILL...SPEAK...OUR...HOLY...WORDS...THEN..."

Gasp!  No lightening.  It listened.

"...WHEN...THY...HEAREST...AGAIN......IT...WILL...BE...A...TECH......BE...WARY..."

A tech.   It had heards of the techs.  It would be more nastier questions.   Questions the little creature would have no clue of.  This would be not FUN.

It nodded blankly.   It picked up the mighty orange book.   It strangely fell to Chapter 24.  "Working with Unified Messaging".   The words hurts its eyes.

But at least there was no lightening....

"zzzzzzzzzzzzZZzzzzzzzzzAAAP!" Spoke too soon.   Deities had a bad sense of humor.

Features we all want to see in Windows Server 2008 but never will.

New RDE 4.3.   "Remote Desktop Electrocution".  

Specially designed to overload the keyboards of those users who forget their new password and immediately have your boss on

your tail to get it reset exactly 6.3 seconds later.

Enhanced AFM 8.2.   "Auto Funding Module"

Allows you to click on a "Submit" button and immediately receive the extra funding you need to bump your personal "web

surfing research" box to a Quad Xeon 32 gig ram Solitaire Monster.

New for 2008.   AFR 1.3.   "Auto Food Repository - 1.3 second deliver time!"

That's right!   The one thing we've all needed for those late night disaster recovery sessions.   A new interface that can

automatically detect your hunger pangs.   It will dial out using VOIP stealing whatever Internet it needs (Think "Electric

Dreams") and order in a pallet as needed.  Optional "VisaHack" will dump the bill onto any willing (or especially unwilling

executive in the company). .

FAP 3.7 "Fake A Problem"

For those days when the boss has decided (due to your great diligence) that the network is running so well he/she can cut

IT staff now.   This little ditty, when activated will sporadically produce network outages, minor viruses and in extreme cases cause

hardware failures.   All of which can be cleared up as quickly (or as slowly) as you need.  Will link directly to AFM 1.3 as

needed in larger environments.

New staff virtualization 2008.

Yes finally a way to deal with all the silly people that just create problems for you.   Virtualize them and now they're in

their own private little house of mischief;  Unable to cause you any grief.

RES 7.3 "Remote Ejector Seat"

A minor add-on with major pluses.   Combined with RED 4.3 and the appropriate service pack, this will allow you "take care" of any problems persisting.  It will even auto execute an RDE 4.3 module.  Nice.

ShoveIT Technology.

An amazing extension to push.   But more importantly it is one feature to deal with pushy users.   Pressing the appropriate module extension will cause their phone to explode.   If they have multiple phones, it will "Blast" the call.   Thus controlling many headache calls.

Of course for some odd reason the staff at Redmond JUST WON'T IMPLEMENT these.  I can't understand why...

It's Thursday.   Thursdays were always a bad day.   You would think not being that it was ALMOST Friday.   But our hero is a bit of a pessimist.   It a few more days closer to next Monday.  

Yes Thursday's were definitely bad.   Fridays were garbage.   We won't even speak about the weekend.

So a miserable mood he was in.  Just before a really rotten lunch hour, a message comes in the mail on the new phone with 'ShoveIt" technology.

It was a voice message on his useless VOIP line.   Somebody actually called that number?!

Strange people really irritated him.   People in general actually irritated him.  Strange people just made it worse.

Quickly he popped over to a nearby system.    He was going to trace that number down if it was the last thing he did.  Quickly he identified the location, city and potential list of people who ever had that number.

"Georgia?  Why would anybody want to call me from Georgia!?"

It was probably that person from eBay the other day.    How dare they consider giving him positive feedback!  He'd make them pay.

He quickly keyed in the codes to the Pentagon, accessed various satellites and armed a few death rays for good measure and targeted the offending phone.   Yep just some person.

Oh.  He noted there was a WAV file attached.  Voice Message.   He'd listen to them first.   Never a bad idea to hear what people say before you vaporized them with stolen government death rays.   It was always a good policy to follow.

He listened.   

For a moment there he thought he was hearing things.   He listened again.  He listened a third time. 

He dropped  his "ShoveIt" phone on the ground and began to blink stutter and stammer.   The clouds were turning a different shade of green and the ground felt like it was opening up.

In actual fact none of this was really happening (Except for the cloud bit, the great creator was feeling quite mischievous that day, he felt it humorous.  Large deities do those kind of things from time to time)

He got up and blinked a fourth time for good measure.

It was that "large nameless corporation that can't be spoken of for legal reasons".   They wanted to talk to him about a job.   It was even a job that touched into his abilities.   What a strange concept.  

He immediately decided that calling this person back was a good idea.

He quickly powered down the arsenal and removed the phone number from the "Red-EE-Kall" spamstastic phone dialer.   He also noted to quickly remove that potential address from places to throw eggs at on the holidays.

They want me, they really really want me.   Well they at least want to CHAT with me which is more than most people will do.   He wondered if it was his general grumpiness that was always a problem.   He then quickly convinced himself that he was way out of line with that comment.  Promptly kicking himself in the pants.

Hmmm can't call now.   The boss will absolutely go bananas on the long distance.   Especially if it was to interview with some "large nameless corporation that can't be spoken of for legal reasons".  Couldn't understand why, but that's just how bosses are apparently.

Aha!  He would call them tomorrow!  He would have access to his own phone, possibly even a long distance card.   Yes yes... that would be an excellent idea.

The next day occurred.  He was TRULY miserable that day.   But not for the normal reasons.   The nice lady from "large nameless corporation that can't be spoken of for legal reasons" had perked up his spirits.  Possible cool job. 

Nope today was not going to stay that way.  Client server went down, complete and utter cascade failure with a new virus to boot and corrupted system partition.   The mirror broke for good measure too.   He never got near the phone.   Grumble grumble grumble.

That same cloud colour changing deity was up there giggling like a madman.   "Ironic" it thought.   Truly "Ironic".   Never should have cursed my name so many times.    He'd let this creature have it's Monday.  But today.  Just today he'd have a little fun.

But Monday was looking good...

And so we begin our day with three innocent looking CanITpro guys looking up at their boss.

"Can we keep him, please?" they ask in Unison.

Mighty boss man looks over in the corner.    The creature they speak of is crouched on all fours gnawing at it's own leg.   It looks up for approval, it receives "A look."

"No.  Not again.   The last time you guys brought in a It guy as a pet, he chewed up all the LAN cable in basement.   Then you didn't feed it and it broke into the Microsoft cafeteria.   And we won't even get into the mess it made of the President's office.  No no no and a fourth time NO."

"Aw please, we'll be good this time.  We'll even setup a little house for it in the parking lot."

"Oh I see, you mean like pet IT guy three times back?   The one you setup in that little cardboard box on the middle of the Microsoft parking lot?"  Boss man reminds them.   "Do you remember how hard it was to pry it's frozen corpse out of the box after you all forgot about him in Winter?   They can't keep themselves warm you know."

"Yeah but you wouldn't let us bring it inside... That wasn't fair." they moaned plaintively.

"Hmmm.... yes inside, that was a mistake 5 Pet IT guys ago.    They still haven't gotten the rug cleaned properly.   And who decided that 'Bubble Gum' was a good thing to feed it?   That poor thing swallowed 7 packs of 'HubbaBubba'.  You're not supposed to give them 'Jolt' to drink either.   Water is fine."

"But it was so funny!   He ran around and around and around and around and around in circles for weeks on end!   He sounded just like a chipmunk too." they chattered.

"Which gets back to my first argument. NO.   You've frozen, hyper activated, burned out and generally tortured so many pet IT guys already.  NO!   I can't deal with the problems or the heartache with they go to the 'great Beyond'.   No more.  I can't even remember how many it's been so far."

"476 and a half in only 2 years!" they announced proudly.

"??!?!? Do you know their average life span should be almost 35?   40 if they get fed!!" He looked at them in disgust "NO!"

"Awwwwwww."  they looked down with sullen looks.   This one was already looking like it was going to be fun to mess with.  It was already running and talking like that one on Jolt and Bubblegum.

"And would somebody PLEASE clean THAT up?!"

They looked over.  The pet IT guy beamed with pride at what it had just done.   They drew straws to see who would have to clean it up.    Then they had a "two out of three - "Rhoa Sham Boa" contest.  

Boss man looked and pointed at all three.  "STOP THAT!"

They moaned and groaned in pain while laughing like madmen.    Slowly they stumbled over with a pan, bag and broom to deal with the 'present' left for them.

Boss man thought.  He needed a solution.   If he didn't compromise they were going to be impossible to deal with.  They were  ALREADY impossible to deal with.   This would just make it worse."

"Wait .... wait ... I have an idea.   There is the 'blog house'.    It has a lot of space.   You can visit it there.   It can actually feed itself too.   And nobody ever goes into the 'blog house' so the 'circumstances' won't be problem...."

They looked up!  A reprieve!  "So we can bug it and pet it and torture it and make it write stories?" They blinked like insane little mice on Espresso.

"Yes that would be fine.   It won't really cost anybody anything.   If it gets out of hand we can always eject it out of the 'bog house'.   Hmmm there is a thought."  Boss man thought for a brief moment if he could put the 3 little IT guys into the 'blog house' as well.   "Nope" he thought.   They're actually smart and not always irritating.    And it was handy to have somebody fetch his coffee in the morning.

so with a "YELP" the Pet IT guy was locked up the blog house.   Made forever to write silly stories to entertain them.   Living with his own presents.   But for some reason he was happy.  Odd little creature that he was.

The End (or the Beginning?)

Things to do (or not) when meeting your peers/heros for the first time

1) Relax.  They are human! (Except for one or two who have admitted otherwise).  No matter how much you look up to them,

They smile crack jokes and fall down like anybody else.   They may have a really cool job, but they are just regular people

(Who probably don't know anything according to their children)

2)  Thank them profusely!  Although bowing down before them might be considered excessive, it is always a good gesture.  

Writing a letter is great, email is nice.   A small Ferrari or Mercedes is almost always appreciated.  (Though not

necessarily in the budget)

3) Don't be afraid to talk.  Even though you have just walked into the midst of greatness (in your eyes), They probably

asked you there to meet them.    Although excessive talking can sometimes be bad too.   Take note, coffee is not always your

friend.   A simple glass of water is good.   Snoozing in the back corner.  Bad (Unless you're one of them, in which case

only when the boss is not looking)

4) IMPORTANT NOTE.  When you get pointed at (Not IF) during the meeting/seminar/whatever DO NOT BOLT FOR THE EXIT!  I know

this is really tempting.  The entire room is staring at you with lasers and you may never live this down!  But the feeling

WILL pass and the nice lady at the back who could have been steamrolled over by you will probably appreciate it.

5) Eat when fed, Drink when given drink.   You are a guest.  Be mindful of your manners.  But they do want you to a) Enjoy

yourself, B) Be relaxed and C) Not fall flat on your face from hunger after the "Cocktails".   Do not initiate a game of

"Burping the Alphabet" or "What does this look like in my mouth".    However if the host initiates it, it's completely fine

to join in.

6) When they ask for opinions, if you can offer one, DO SO.  But let the presenter do his job.   There is already a well

paid class clown on the site.    If you want his job, fill out a resume.

7) Turn that cell to silent mode during sessions!  Many people have been shot to death due to this problem.  But during

lunch / breaks / snacky time is ok.   But when your "StarTrek Communicator" ringtone goes off be ready to bolt even though

there will be nowhere to bolt.

8) when it comes time to play and chat at the end of the day, note the following detail.   There are usually more people

than games.  SHARE darn you!  Also "Xbox360 combat" does not necessarily mean beating each other senseless with devices and

peripherals.   (Sorry to all the innocent bystanders, my parole officer asked me to apologize.  Sorry sorry sorry).  WHEN

the police and ambulance come by, "'Fess up!" (Or perhaps this would be a VERY good time to look for those previously

mentioned exits).

9) When people come up and say "Hello" and want to shake your hand, let them.   Shake heartily (with you hand silly fool!). 

they are not "The Borg" and they will not assimilate you (unless it is a job offer in which case.... LET THEM!)

10) Learn to laugh.  Strange concept huh?  Unless the joke was TRULY and HORRIBLY BAD (Think bad Unix/Daemon jokes).  In

which case GROAN and MOAN with the rest.

11) If ou just happen to forget your registration form that morning in the back of a Lada, DON'T PANIc (Thank you Douglas

Adams for those always inspiring words of wisdom).   After appropriate background checks, questioning, DNA scan and asking

many industry specific questions (How many bits in a Nybble?, Name the first computer Bill Gates coded Basic for in the

early '70s)  they just might let you in.  Failing that charge the door.  You may at least get away with a free croissant or

two.

And whatever you do, don't overdo the coffee.   Fast speech, weak bladders and distant / hidden bathrooms are a horrib

Please give to the Save the Computer foundation.  For just pennies a day this machine could have ram again.   It could run  and be a proud part of some network.   Happily processing anything you throw at it.

Wouldn't you just love to bring this little fellow home?   Somebody needs to help the little guy out.   And your money can make it possible!

It's already over for these poor machines.  Stripped of life and parts, their days are numbered.   But your donations COULD have helped.   If only we knew a little sooner.

Everybody needs a second chance.   This old desk chair from IBM has found a friend.   Shouldn't everybody find a new life and a second chance at it?

Please donate generously to "Save the Computers".   Nobody should lay down and rust.

Send donations to

123 NoStreetInParticular

A City That Doesn't Exist

That State you can Never Remember

Pick a Zip Code

Not even on this planet

Copyright 2007 the Save the Computer foundation.  No Rights Reserved (or lefts) because their's nothing right about this.

send all your spam to info@savethecomputers-asitethatdoesnotandwillnotexist.com

Gold dubloons will also be accepted into an un-known Swiss bank account.   It's so unknown, we don't even know where it is.

Give with your heart.  Save the Computers.

It is my first official "Funny Friday Post." Can't think of a thing to write.   I could poke fun at Dell.

*KLUMP* *KLUMP* *KLUMP* *KLUMP* *KLUMP* *KLUMP* *KLUMP* *KLUMP*

"We represent the interests of Dell corporation.   You shall cease and desist any actions which might construed as defamation.  Pre-emptively we are taking your keyboard and mouse to control any such problems.  Thank you for your assistance in this matter."

*KLUMP* *KLUMP* *KLUMP* *KLUMP* *KLUMP* *KLUMP* *KLUMP* *KLUMP*

I blink in des-belief.   They just walked in and walked out with my expensive Bluetooth keyboard and mouse.   Just HOW am I supposed to do this now and get it online?  I scramble into the spare parts bin.   I grab an old fashioned "Physical" keyboard and mouse.  It will have to do.

I sense a "Virtual Presence" behind me.   It feels like a stare.  It feels vaguely "John like".  An email pops up.

-----------------------------------------

From   : John Oxley
To     : Sean Kearney
CC     : CANITPROTEAM
SUBJECT: Done?

Is that post done yet?   We need to have it ready in time for the Microsoft Legal team and staff to preview it first.  I also need to make sure there are no "John staring" jokes in it either

John

-----------------------------------------

OH no.   It's not supposed go online for a month!   That quick?!  I can't be funny that quick!   I can't be funny on a moment's notice.   Well I could poke fun at Apple...

*KLUMP* *KLUMP* *KLUMP* *KLUMP* *KLUMP* *KLUMP* *KLUMP* *KLUMP*

"We represent the interests of Apple computers.   You shall cease and desist any actions which might construed as defamation.  Pre-emptively we are taking your iPod to keep distractions up to impair your ability to write this post.  Thank you for your assistance in this matter."

*KLUMP* *KLUMP* *KLUMP* *KLUMP* *KLUMP* *KLUMP* *KLUMP* *KLUMP*

OH Come on!  I just got the drive replaced on eBay! NUTS!  Fine!  I was going to buy a Zune anyhow.

Now think think think... I need to do something creative.  Something nobody will think of. I need to ...

MSN POPUP
-------------

Rodney Buike

So John was asking if it's done.    I know it isn't but let's pretend it is for a moment.   How long would it take to get it done "theoretically."

---------------

I taskkill the msnmsgr.exe process.   I have to get this DONE.  Sorry Rodney.   This will probably get Rick and Damir mad as well.   But I have to have no distractions.

Now then.   Who what, can't be offensive.  That's wrong on all levels... Needs to be ironic...  What about kidding about IBM?  That's a...

*KLUMP* *KLUMP* *KLUMP* *KLUMP* *KLUMP* *KLUMP* *KLUMP* *KLUMP*

"We represent the interests of IBM corporation.   You shall cease and desist any actions which might construed as defamation.  Pre-emptively we are taking your computer.   We think this should effectively control the problem.   We are IBM. You will be assimilated.   All praise Ross Perot.

*KLUMP* *KLUMP* *KLUMP* *KLUMP* *KLUMP* *KLUMP* *KLUMP* *KLUMP*

AIHAIHGAHAIGIH!  I just bumped up the hard drive and threw on Vista Ultimate!  

Smoke simmers from my fingers as the chair begins crushing under my touch.  I need to solve this PROBLEM NOW!

I stumble downstairs.  I find an old Atari computer.  I jury rig a LAN cable connection and solder it inside."  I plop back upstairs.   Quickly I cover the floor in marbles, ball bearings, old CD's.    I dump butter on the pile.   I find an old can of dirty car oil and add that to the pile.

I pretend to type on the Atari.   DUKE NUKEM IS A WEENIE

*KLUMP* *KLUMP* *KLUMP* *KLUMP* *KLUMP* *KLUMP* *KLUMP* *KLUMP*

Slip slip slip flop plop.   ***KRASH*** The scramble to try and get past the pile.  They're failing.   I throw the old Atari into the mix as a further distraction.   They scramble madly to get it.   In the ensuing confusion, I sneak past them into my dungeon.   I bolt myself inside.

I dig past the pile and find an old Underwood.   They'll have to settle with a faxed copy.

Now I can't think of anything.... UGH.

A so we see a simple day.   General blog madman Sean has irritated the Microsoft staff to the point that they decide to give him a Well guarded tour of the facilities.

You know the old phrase.  Keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer, keep bloggers that drink too much coffee about 2 inches from you with a LARGE cattle prod.

"And here we have the cafeteria.  You should be familiar with that area.   Note the laser-guided missiles conveniently located at all corners.     All the guards have large pointed sticks.   So be afraid."

The Sean is casually glancing about left and right.   He DID get a little carried about last time.   So things are expected to be stepped up a notch. 

the Sharpshooters are a nice touch.

The gather down the hall.   Slowly.   Eyes furtively glancing left and right to keep him under control.   He's been de-caffeinated for three weeks.   He should be under control.  They hope.

They stop for a moment.   Lord President Phil walks in and sees things are under control.   They all stand and salute Proudly!  

"Excellent job everybody, carry on!" Lord Phil states.  Lord Phil never seems irritated.   Yet.

ooops!  They were distracted.   That's a BAD thing.  

*BLINK*

"Oh NO! Not again..."

the Sean has wandered down a small minor hallway.   He sees a door marked

"DEVELOPERS.  DO NOT DISTURB UPON PAIN OF BEING MADE TO CODE IN PENCIL. DO NOT OPEN."

You know what THAT means....

Creeeeaaak....KLIK.

He is standing in a room of about 50 people.   They are crouched in small tiny boxes, stacked end to end and top to top.  Very much like a chicken coop.   Smells like one too.

The lead one pops down.

"BUKAW!!!!  Who are you!"

The Sean thinks quickly.   They must not be allowed to suspect me.

"Errrr... I'm the new guy.   From Redmond.  What do I get to do?"

"The new guy?" the Lead one pauses "Hmm.   Third one today, we've already burned out two.  Wouldn't be surprising.  Ok, you can sit in that corner and count semicolons."

"Woohoo!  Semicolons semicolons" the Sean is pleased.   Semicolons!!!  Next to Curly Braces and Ampersands, those were his favourite things.

Time passes, a small voice pipes up.  The Sean has noticed a problem. 

"Uhhhh.... are you guys STILL using C and C++?"

"Phhhh.  Of course, what else COBOL?  Or would you prefer LOGO?  I could give you a nice dish of BASIC 1.0" the Lead one snarks!

There is much cackling and snickering "Cobol... Cobol...Hollerith Code... Ha ha ha ha ha..."

"Well no, never mind, I just thought you were using something cutting edge."

The lead one barks, "Right, just WHAT is better than C code?!"

"Oh sorry, I just thought you knew about N code.  Never mind."

"N code" the lead one jumps out. "There is no such thing as N code"

"Uh ok.   They're talking all about it in Redmond.  I'm sorry I thought you knew.  No offense meant."  He slightly pulls in the reel. "I'll go back to counting my semicolons sir..."

"Just WHAT is N code?" trying not to be outdone buy a newbie.

"Well it's a new coding system, running off 128 based number system to conserve typing space.   Do you remember how Hexadecimal numbers could hold 4294967296 in only 8 positions?   Just imagine a number system based on 128.   They're introducing N+/0 later this year.   It will bring the base to infinity.   It will revolutionize memory handling capabilities.   And you're not limited to the simplistic interfaces provided in Visual Studio."

A crowd begins to form.  We can just see where this is leading.

"Go on.... what do you mean 'not limited'?"

"Wellll.." our little troublemaker draws on "you can custom build your own compiler, make it work the way you want it to.  Make it any way you like!  It's that cutting edge"

Developers are jumping up and down.  

"Anything?"

"Anything." Mr trouble mumbles on... "And it's no longer limited to a physical screen.  You can expand into three dimensions and even add sound and smell.  the best part is you can reverse the process too.   No more source code to hang on to.  You just need a D code compiler to produce the native source."

The developers are drooling.  Puddles of saliva gather at the floor.   Make ANYTING they WANT.   No limitations.  No more source code to save!

The Lead one takes over at this point "I have decided we're going to convert to N code today."  Guys get cracking on making those compilers.

"Yes!  I'm going to make my Purple with Lasers!"

"Mine's going to link straight to my brain!"

"I'm going to make mine watermelon flavoured!"

Excitement builds up in the room.   The tension is unbelievable!

The Sean slips out back to the hallway.  

"I'm sorry, just had to use the bathroom." Mr. Trouble says.

The security team seems unsure.   One of the key developers Christian walks in.

"Where?" He glances.   There is no bathroom anywhere on this hallway.  

He is not phased by this trickster.   "Oh no no no no..." He mumbles.  He wanders down "the Holy path".

Christian opens the door to insane commotion.

"What the *BING* is going on here?!"

"We're converting all the applications to N code." they pipe up excitedly.

"and mine is going to look like a race car." A young fellow squeaks.

"Mines going to look and sound like Eddie Van Halen."

"Wooo wooo wooo I'm a bee I'm a bee..."

We should NEVER have let that silly fool in the building.  It will take months to reset them back to normal.

He shakes his head.

Christian quickly pulls out the emergency "Programmer ZAP button."   All of their feathers fall off and they pass out for the moment. 

He comes back to the hallway only to find a small mob of Marketers running about.

"What's going on?!"

"N code!  N code!  We're going to be more cutting edge than anybody.    Did you know it can even produce real money on LaserPrinters?!"

"We can buy stuff with magic beans too!"

Lawyers are running up and down "We can fit all of our legal agreements on Chocolate Chip cookies with this! Wooo hooo hooo!"

He wanders off outside to calm his brain.  This was just beyond silliness.  This beyond absurdity.  This was beyond Blogging even.    He sees Rodney.   He points a finger and stares daggers.  

"This is ALLLL YOUUUURR FAUULT.   It was your idea to encourage him."

Rodney simply grins.   "Maybe but I'm getting N coded flame throwers attached to my sneakers tomorrow."

What to do when your computer won't start.

Pray.   There are computer gods.  They may actually hear your prayer.   And depending on what offering you give them (Cheese Doodles, Steak Dinner) the may or may not grant your request quickly.

Use Magic words.   Many people look down upon the need for this.   Many others completely dismiss the notion that this will even work.   Use them.   Use them fervently.   Use them creatively.  Use them fluently.   At the very least, it might get some steam out of your system.

Begin taking it apart.   Everybody knows that simply unbolting and bolting things back in always fixes computers.   Technicians do it all the time and charge phenomenal rates.   And it almost always seems to work afterwards.   So grab that trusty philips driver!  Have a Compaq?  Just use a drill to get those puppies out.   Go ahead, it will be worth it to see the machine run again.

Hit it.   The ability by many to use percussive maintenance to solve computer problems has been dismissed by many in the industry.   Fact is, percussive maintenance can be one of the greatest cures.  Power supply dead?   HIT IT.   Silly thing overheated?  HIT IT!  Got beaten by the computer for the 239th by Soliatire?  HIT IT!  The harder you hit it the more likely it might just work.

Yell at it.   Many others have been dismissing yelling at your computer as anything other than just that.   Getting out some frustration.   In reality, it has been proven that various vocal frequencies can re-align bad memory internally, reset CPU errors and even on a rare occasion make a Macintosh compatable with a Volkswagen.   Yell away.

Give it away.   This is surprisingly one of the most amazing ways to fix it.   You of course have bought a new one since you had the previous one for a long enduring 3 months.    It is an interesting side affect that when you "give it away" to your neighbour, son, daughter, bum on the street or local church; that the computer almost immediately works fine when they get it.   Consequently it will not work if you take it back.   We call this the YIN-YANG syndrome.

Of course the one sure fire way to make a computer work is to call an actual computer technician.   But this is still more along the lines of the YIN-YANG syndrome.   Get a pricy one too.  The more expensive they are, the more likely it was a moth stuck on the CPU fan (bug in the SYSTEM!) or that your little pet Rottweiller "Fluffy" decided to make a snack out of the mouse cord.   The cheaper they are, the greater your chances are it was the "Hard drive" (Funny it didn't look so hard when I had it shot).

Of course folks the most likely solution is the obvious.   The reason it didn't start was you forgot to hit the big on button or bumped the power cord.   But don't tell the technicians that.   We don't want to let their secret out.

A hush sits over the room.    The Canadian IT Pro team sits down for an "aftermeet".   A chance to sit down, cool off for a few minutes and relax after the years activities.

"Ok guys it been a great year.  Time to decide on exactly what we're going to do for our next batch of sessions for the year."

"We could do SQL server! More SQL server.  SQL SQL SQL!"

"Ummm.... ok Damir I'll take that under advisement.  Anybody else?"

"HATS!  How to interface your computer with HATS!   We could put an Intel CPU in one and call it a "HatinTosh" (Copywright some guy).

"Uhuh.   That sounds errr uhhh different.  Rodney?"

"Hmmm?"

"Any thoughts?"

"I was wondering if I could hit Damir with my shoe from here."

"Great great great.  Barnaby?   You usually have some good ideas."

"Sorry I was thinking how funny it would be to see a shoe flying across the table."

"Ugh.   Kerri?"

"I thought the shoe idea was funny too."

"Argh.   Ruth?"

"Sorry, I had to shut the bluetooth off on my phone.    Some idiot on the other side of the room was trying to Bluejack me."

"Rick, put your phone away.   We're trying to be serious here."

- = * S - T - A - R - E * = -

"Heh heh heh... John's doing the 'serious look on Rick'.   He can't move a muscle now!"

"Ok sorry John.    Well what is there on the horizon?   We have so many products on the market.   And the pile of things we have under development to show people is amazing..."

*** BLINK ***

"Hey, where did Rick go?"

"That's funny he was here a minute ago."

*** BLINK ***

"Oh there he is.   That's strange.   Rick stop playing about."

"Uh what are you all talking about."

"You went away."

"No Damir I've been here the whole time."

"No you haven't."

*** BLINK ***

"Now Damir's gone!  Ok ok,  quit screwing about you guys."

*** BLINK ***

"As I said Rick, you were most definitely gone and weren't at the table at all."

"Damir, you just disappeared."

"What?"

*** BLINK *** *** BLINK ***

"What the !?@?#$$ Where did Ruth and Barnaby go?"

"This is getting weird."

"This is getting fun!"

"Cut that out Rodney or I'll do a 'Serious Stare' again.  We've got a problem here.

*** BLINK *** *** BLINK ***

"Damir you disappeared.   You really did!"

"Holy crap, Ruth and Barnaby where did you people go??"

"We were just sitting here."

"Yeah John.   No kidding."

*** BLINK ***

"Now where did Rodney go?!"

"Must be aliens!"

"Cut it out Rick.  Why would they pull people out and put them back?"

"Becuase they're funny aliens John?"

"Can you guys be serious for a minute?"

*** BLINK ***

"Yeah definitely fun!"

"Ok just what is going on here people don't just..."

*** BLINK *** *** BLINK ***

"Great now John and Kerri are gone!"

"Quick let's run away!"

"No Rick!  When they get back they're not going to be happy."

*** BLINK *** *** BLINK ***

"...disappear and reappear randomly.   This nonsense just is not realistic"

"John YOU just disappeared."

"WHAT?!"

"That's impossible he was right beside me the whole time."

"You did too Kerri."

"HUH?!"

pause

"Ok ok ok... WHOMEVER is doing this at least SHOW yourselves."

A voice booms throughout the room.

"THANK YOU FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE IN ALPHA TESTING NEW MICROSOFT SERVER VIRTUALIZATION 2010.    YOUR BODIES HAVE NOW BEEN DIGITIALLY ENCODED TO SAVE ON HEAT, HYDRO, FOOD AND WORKSPACE.   YOUR ACTUAL PHYSICAL BODIES HAVE BEEN ARCHIVED IN THE EVENT OF MINOR 'UNDOCUMENTED FEATURES' APPEARING.  SHOULD ANYTHING HAPPEN, WE WILL RE-INITIATE VIRTUALIZATION AT A LATER TIME.  AGAIN THANK YOU FOR PARTICIPATING IN OUR LATEST PRODUCT TEST"

"Oh no.  John!  We've been virtualized!"

"This is either really cool... or really scary...."

"Really cool!  Really cool!"

"WOOHOO!  We're DIGITAL!"

"Rick, Rodney... Please sit down.   I need an aspirin"

PAUSE PROCESS

XCOPY  \\server\vhhs\*.vhh \\backupserver\backupfolder\ /Y

\\SERVER\VHH\BARNABY.VHH

\\SERVER\VHH\DAMIR.VHH

\\SERVER\VHH\JOHN.VHH

\\SERVER\VHH\KERRI.VHH

\\SERVER\VHH\RICK.VHH

\\SERVER\VHH\RODNEY.VHH

\\SERVER\VHH\RUTH.VHH

7 Files copied.

TASKKILL /F /IM VIRTUALHUMANS.EXE

"Well that will teach those silly people to make fun of old Brucey.   Think I don't have reach?   They'll learn now.   Now where did I put my guitar?"

---- SOMETIMES --- JUST SOMETIMES --- VIRTUALIZATION IS BAD IDEA IN THE WRONG HANDS ---

"Deedle dee dee Deedle dee dee"

It's Monday morning.  Monday is a special day.   Dad get's to have a Coffee and Kruller at the local Dunkin Hortons.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm.....

"Deedle dee dee coffee and krullers deedle dee dee"

Yessiree.  Mmmm... mmmm... Mind you, Mom makes a nice coffee, don't get me wrong but NOTHING beats a "Coffee and Kruller" to start off a Monday from Dunkin Hortons.

"Deedle dee dee coffee and krullers deedle dee dee"

"YEAH!"

"Deedle dee dee coffee and krullers dee......"

Dad pauses and stops.   There is a disturbance in the air.   Something smells "off".  

"Oh NO!" Dad cries. "They can't have!"

Dunkin Hortons has been turned into a "Coffee Boutique".

Dad pauses.   A boutique.  

"Crap." He mutters.

Then again, they're popular.   They must make a good coffee right?

Dad enters the doorway.

"Hmmm....". 

The first thing he notices is the couches instead of old tables.   "Comfey."  This could be ok.

He goes to the counter.

"A large coffee double double and a kruller please."

The attendant looks at him with a blank stare.   Much like he just asked for a plate of rat.

"What?"

"A large coffee double double and a kruller"

"What kind of coffee?" The attendant reponds.

"A large one please."

"What size you like sir?" The attendant states with exasperation.  "We have Mini, Uno, Grande, Vente, Dublo, Lego and MegaGiga".

Dad Blinks.  He gestures drammatically with his hands.   They aren't speaking english here!

The attendant understands.   "So a Vente it is.   What kind of coffee would you like sir?"

"Double double please." Dad gasps, a minor misunderstanding.  This will go ok.

"No what kind?  We have Columbian, IrishCream, BreakFast Blend, Mandorian, BurntStick and even Iguana".

Dad does a double take.  Smoke is starting to leave his ears.

"I want a coffee.  An ordinary coffee.  A K-A-W-F-E-E coffee."

"I see..." the attendant worked his way suggestively. "So probably a breakfast blend then."

"Yeah whatever, just a GDC, gimme a GDC and a Kruller."

"A 'Kruller'?" The attendant looks at Dad like he just said the filthiest word in the book.

"Look you know, a Kruller.   Kinda honey flavoured, twisty, sweet goes good with coffee?"

"uhhhh... Let me get the manager."

Oh my @##@#@% this is insane.  I just want a coffee and a kruller.   How HARD can this BE?!

"Yes sir I am the manager.  How may I help you?"

"Look!" Dad stammers "I just want a GDC from Canada and a GDK from Canada!!!!"

"Excuse me?" The manager stares at him blankly.

"I WANT A @#$#@% @$%%@#% COFFEE from CANADA and a @#%#%? !#@$%## KRULLER FROM CANADA!  HOW HARD CAN THIS BE!!!!!"

"Oh you mean a coffee and a kruller.   That's our 'TakeOff-GreatWhiteNorth' Combo."

*SMACK* Dad is astonished.

"So I can have one?!

"Surely sir.  Here you go."

Dad looks.   It appears to be wrapped in red ribbons covered in sprinkles in a plastic box.   The "Coffee" had a 'Bob and Doug' picture stuck on the side.

"That will be 11.37 cents sir"

Dad balked.  He handed the money over slowly.   He stared at his prize as he sat on his leather heated couch.  He listened to Bill Cosby Jazz music.

My God he was really going to hate Mondays now...

"Hey everybody, I'm Damir Bersinic.   I've got the greatest job ever.  I get to...."

pause

"What's that noise?"

hee hee hee hee (giggling)

"Hey Damir!"

"Hey yourself Rodney.   Do you hear that noise?"

"Damir, this is a room of 35 yapping guys.  It's a seminar.  What noise?"

"Just stop and listen."

Hee hee hee hee (More giggling)

"Yeah you're right.  Probably Rick at it again."

"You'd be right, except Rick is right behind you."

"Huh?"

"Hi guys!  Check out my new hat!  It's yellow!"

"Great great.  Do you hear that noise?"

Tee hee hee (Tittering and giggling)

"Funny, it sounds like it's coming from that curtain..."

They look, a small tiny tuft of partly bald head is sticking out.

:O

"Oh NO!  It's Sean!"

"What?  I thought we got him locked up last time?"

"Rodney did you put a lock on the cage last time?"

"Of course I did.   I securely locked him up in the cage with a Microsoft Thumb Print Scanner." Rodney beams with pride.

"Not a padlock?!"

"Nope.  Course not.  You can't open a lock without the right thumbprint.  That stuff works great!"

"And who's thumb was used as the unlock?"

"Jerry the guard..." 

pause

"And was Jerry asked to feed 'the Sean'?"

"Uhhhh....uh oh."

"You guessed.   He probably nipped the thumb off and opened the lock later.   Great!  Now how are we going to explain this to John, Ruth and Barnaby.  Boy are you TWO in for it."

"What do you mean us Damir?   You were as bad!"

"Yeah but you talked actually CONTACTED him.    You watch him whlie I get the 'wigs'.   Hopefully they don't send you two to 'you know where'."

"What Redmond?"

"No Burger King.  Microsoft just aquired them yesterday."

Damir shuffles off.   Humming along "Rick and Rod are in trouble..." as a happy little tune.

Rodney sneezes.  A Blur of light passes by them. 

"Oh crap! He's on the Loose!"

John appears.  "Problem guys?"

"Uh err... well you see..."

"John, Rodney didn't lock Sean up in the cage and now he's out!  Out on the loose!"

"Fine fine... Problem solved."

John smashes a small "EMERGENCY" box on the main wall.   Alarms and Bells ring.   Klaxons sound all over the building.    A huge microphone appears before John.

"Attention all Microsoft staff.   We have an intruder.   He is extremely fast and hyper.   DO NOT ENGAGE him.  It could be dangerous.   Let us handle it."

"Thanks John."

"Don't thank me.   You guys created the mess.   You guys fix it.   You too Damir."

"But but...."

"GO!"

They scamper off in pursuit.

Ruth and Barnaby walk in.  "What happened?"

"Sean got out.   But we've got it under control.  No problem."

They roll their eyes up in the air...  "No you don't " they think.

An intercom goes off.

"What is it?!"

"John, this is security"

"Yeah go ahead.  What's up."

"It's Damir.  He's laying on the ground with a blank look on his face.   Somebody said they saw Sean send a SQL DELETE command to Damir.   He malformed it.   Damir wasn't up to date with his patches...."

"Is he ... Dead?"

"No no no no .... But we need to restore him from Backup.   The tapes are offline right now.  Sean pulled the plug on them to slow us down."

"That bastard!   Deal with the Damir situation, I'll follow up on you later."

Another intercom goes off.

"John!   John!  HELP!" (It's Rick)

"WHat now?"

"HE KNOCKED OFF MY HAAAAAAAT!   He threw a Pentium II Xeon chip at it and Bent it!"

"So go after him!"

"I would but he's built up a barricade of old Microsoft 'Bob' CDs he bought on eBay."

"Oh this fellow is bad."

"And that's not the worst!   He already ran threw marketing and the developers.   He's convinced Marketing to go back to DOS 1.0 for the lower attack zone.   He's left a pile of developers crying in the back room."

"Developers never cry."

"They do if they've been convinced that Binary doesn't exist!  He used some old algebra equation involving x/x 0/x x/0.   He substituted x=0 and convinced the developers that 1 was 0"

"Oh NO!"

"We're going to need some big help down here."

"Don't worry, Legal department is next in his path.  He'll never get by there.  The Lawyers will eat him alive."

"Uhhhh John.   He's worked for Lawyers for the past 7 years.  He's walked in and out of their dens and still lived.   Last I heard he managed to convince the legal department to upgrade to the newest Pclaw.  That'll slow them down for ages."

"Damn.   Let me see where Rodney is."

"RODNEY." John yells over the microphone.

"Yes?" A quiet voice comes back.

"Any sign of that problem?"

"Oh yeah, here was here in the kitchen.   He gave me some fries.   I'm just snacking on them..."

"Fries??!?!?!"

"Well with Poutine."

"Ahh.... I seee.... Well drop the fries and get him."

"Errrrr.... uhhhh... I can't sir."

"...cough... WHY .... EXACTLY.... CAN'T.... YOU.....?"

"He took away my orange shoes.   I can't go anywhere without them."

John slaps his forehead.  He looks up at a security monitor.

"Hey there he is!   What.... just what is he doing?  Ruth, Barnaby can you guys see any of that?"

"It appears he's sitting at a workstation.  He's logging in."

"Phhh... no problem."

"Uhhh... John."

"Yes Ruth?"

"He's logging into the "CONTOSO" domain.   You guys DID break the domain trust relationship, DIDN'T you?"

"CRAP!"

"Password1 - oh no... he's in"

"Well it's a test domain, it doesn't matter.  What is that nut trying to do?"

"It appears he's accessing Outlook Express.   HE BROKE INTO MICROSOFT TO CHECK HIS EMAIL??!?!?!?"

"Uhhhh Barnaby... Nobody could be THAT dumb."

"Oh no...."

"What.... just WHAT?"

"He's emailing every address at Microsoft.com with his resume.  Oh no.... no...."

"Firewall will get it."

"HE'S INTERNAL!!!!! DON'T YOU GET IT?!"

"Oh no.... 1000's of helpless email addresses.... we're doomed."

Riiiiiiiiiing

Riiiiiiiiiing

Riiiiiiiiiing

"Hello, Yes Mr. Gates.   Right away Mr. Gates.   My apologies to Mr. Balmer."

"Well?"

"Ruth, you go in there.   Tell him he is to be shipped to Redmond tomorrow.  I'm going off to have a nice cold cold cold drink."

You know you’re an extreme computer geek when.

You know over 50 phone numbers for tech support but you can’t find your car keys if your life depended on it.

You can quote anybody in your family’s email address but you can’t recall half of their birthdays.

Your desk looks like an earthquake hit it, but you can still manage to find your security pass in it on the fly.

You spend more money on your computer equipment than you do maintaining your car.

The exception to that rule is when you add computer goodies to the car. 

You have at least watched “Hackers”, “Electric Dreams”, “2001: A Space Odyssey”, “Knight Rider” or any other movie / show with a “live computer” at least ONCE.

You have considered buying a “DEVO” hat at least once.  Bonus points for memorizing lyrics to any DEVO song.

You have watched “Revenge of the Nerds” (I and II) and knowingly cheered for the Nerds because you’ve been there.

You “Rock out” to “All About the Pentiums” by “Weird Al Yankovic” (Give yourself an extra point if you memorized the lyrics!)

You have a computer just to hold your “MP3” archives and “Videos” (Give yourself an extra point if you have each of these on separate machines)

Your computer is plugged into the TV set.   (You get an extra bonus if your FIRST computer was from the 80’s and this is “full circle”)

You collect (or have had until your respective spouse made you clear it out) old computers.  Bonus points if you’ve ever successfully fixed an old computer.  Ultra bonus if it involved “Percussive maintenance” (IE: HITTING IT REALLY HARD!) and it WORKED!

If you have ever tried to fix a bad key in a keyboard because a good keyboard was about $200.

If you have ever seriously tried to fix a bad floppy drive or power supply.  (Bonus points for being successful).

If you ever had to discover the difference between “High Density” 5 ¼” floppys and “Low Density”.

If you have EVER “notched” the other side of a floppy disk just to get use of the other side.

If you have ever bought a professional notcher for said purposes because you just bought 100 5 ¼ floppies to backup your buddies archives.

If you have EVER seen an 8” floppy.  Bonus for having used them.  Bigger bonus if it was a CP/M 2.2 system.

Double insane bonus if you ever ever tried mounting Commodore floppies in your IBM and actually covered the different encouding schemes (GCR vs FM)

Out of your mind bonus if you ended up adapting the cable of the 1541 to the IBM in order to pull this off.

Stupid insane bonus if you have EVER (Put this to extremism) converted Commodore Pet documents from Paperclip to IBM format using old drives and serial cables.  Big bonus if you did it while you were drunk.  Absolute (go talk to Bill Gates!) if you were successful.

If you ever discovered how much juice a capacitor in a power supply has EVEN when it’s unplugged.  Bonus points if you lived to tell about it.

If you have EVER accidentally discovered after spraying TV tuner cleaner on a Commodore printer (to get the darn thing to stop sticking), that you could extend the life if the ribbon and save spending money on a new one.

If you have EVER owned a plotter.

If you have EVER bought a cheap 40 column “Adding machine” printer at Kmart because a real “Big printer” was too expensive.

Bonus points if you did it JUST to see “Ascii pictures” you couldn’t view properly on your Vic20.

Bonus points if you printed “The Gal” in Ascii and your Dad found it and you got yelled at for it.  (Actually negative points since you were dumb enough to leave it laying about.

You know what a “Suitcase computer or luggable is” (extra points if you’ve owned one, triple that if it ran on CP/M 2.2)

You have used real Unix (not Linux) at least once.

You have installed Linux (not Unix) from floppy disks after having it downloaded from a real Unix system. (Bonus points if you actually installed Xwindows)

Bonus points if you made Taylor UUCP in Linux connect to a Dialup UUCP session.

Further bonus if the whole point of this was just to get pictures

You get bonus points if the processor was anything Pre-Pentium.  (Lying about installing Linux on a 286 does not count!)

You have downloaded “Jill of the Jungle” because it used the Sound Blaster card.

You actually bought a VGA card because “Jill of the Jungle” wouldn’t play on your Hercules Monochrome Monitor.

You played Castle Wolfenstein 3D on a 286.

Bonus points if you discovered that Castle Wolfenstein 3D did Digital Stereo effects on the SoundBlaster Pro.

You actually sent money down to ID Software on the day “DOOM” was released and actually installed it on the original 4 floppy disks.

If you played Doom on anything less than a color VGA monitor you get bonus points.

If you discovered that Doom was also in Stereo on your Sound Blaster Pro.

If you cat scared the bejeezus out of you while you were playing “DOOM” that first night until 3am you get more points (mostly because it was being played in Stereo on a “scary” GrayScale Multisync.

Bonus points if you know what a “Grayscale Multisync” type monitor is.

Super ultra mega bonus if you have sat down and networked three computers side by side with three monitors JUST to see the “3D” Doom with the infamous “Left view” on one pc “Center View” on another “Right view” on the third.

If you have actually used a 110 baud teletype.

If you have ever owned or used a modem that was slower than 2400 baud (Bonus if it was 300 baud, bonus if it was acoustic, super bonus if you have actually “whistled” and got the computer at the other side to respond!)

If you have ever dialed into a “BBS”

Bonus if you have “hosted” a “BBS”

Further bonus if the computer was not anything higher than a 286 or newer than a Mac II.

Final further bonus if you did not have a hard disk to run it from.

If you ever written a terminal emulator to translate “PetAscii” to “Atascii” to allow your Commodore 64 to talk to an Atari BBS.  (Bonus points if you were successful and impressed the “Sysop” so much he DIDN’T kick you off.

Bigger bonus right now if you know what “Sysop” is short for.

If you have ever actually used the “Compuserve” service and chatted in it’s forums.

Negative points if you accidentally “keyed in the wrong channel” and found yourself in the Gay forum (not that there’s anything wrong with that!) while using CompuServe.

If you have ever bought a book on how to USE CompuServe.

If you have ever dialed into the DATAPAC system to use CompuServe (*because there was no local dialup number*)

If you ever played with the Datapac system and ended up being somewhere OTHER than CompuServe.

If you have EVER rewired the phone jack in the demarcation point in the basement just to physically move a phone line in the basement to an existing upstairs line (or vice versa).  Bonus if you were successful.  Another bonus if you got a “good zap” stripping wires and realized that phone lines have “Plenty O Current”.

You get a bigger bonus for having actually wired up a light bulb to “use that free current” and not getting caught by the phone company.

If you know what “Phreaking” is.

If you have at least tried to Phreak once (even it it was experimental and used just to dial PizzaPizza long distance)  Bigger bonus if you “Phreaked” that from a BlueBox.

Absolute silly bonus if you understand what 2600Hz is and why it is important.

If you know what a “Lisa” is.

If you have actually used “Lisa”.

If a really filthy thought just passed into your head from the previous statement take off SEVERAL SEVERAL points.  (Give yourself a quick bonus point in the other direction if you thought of Beavis and Butthead saying “used” heh heh heh “used” heh heh heh)

If you have ever written anything to put text on the Graphic mode of an APPLE II

If you ever have played Wizardry on the Apple II.

If you have ever CHEATED by editing your character in Wizardy on Apple II.

If you have ever seen an “Apple Syntauri” music synthesizer.

If you have ever watched “Bits and Bytes” on TV Ontario with “Luba Goy and Billy Van”

If you stuck around to watch “The Academy” JUST to see Jim Butterfield.

If you liked the theme song to “Bits and Bytes”

If you know what  a mainframe is (Bonus points for having actually used one, extra bonus points if you managed to get an old one “just to have” in your basement)

If you have ever been to a “Lan” party.

Bonus points if you hosted it.

If you have ever run an Emulator of ANY type on your PC.

Bonus points if you have actually owned any of the computers you are emulating.

If you know what MAME or any OTHER arcade Emulator.

If you have at least 3 DVDS of roms for MAME please hand yourself an even bigger bonus.

If you have had to learn how to backup DVD’s give yourself a bonus.

Silly bonus if you bothered to wire in a power outlet yourself to A) Save $50 on the electrician and B) Just to make your Laser printer work.   Bonus if you wired it correctly and didn’t actually start an “arc welding job” on the circuit breaker box.

Big bonus if you know what an Exidy Sorceror is.  Triple bonus for having owned one.  Extra sneaky bonus if you have every actually FIXED one.

Ultra super rare bonus for having owner an “Altair”. 

An unexpected visitor

-------------------------

The sun was oozing over the tops of the building that morning.   Paul winced as people stared at him.   He could feel their eyes cutting through the back of his skull.  

"Screw them" he thought.  "YOU come out of what I just did looking like a pile of freaking daisies." He trudged along in silence.   The smell of all that sugar baked onto him was sickening.   The smell was intense.   Strangely enough though, his body would not get sick. 

He wanted it to.  He wanted this to end.

He glanced up and saw a familiar sight.  Home.

Well it was a cheap room in a rooming house.  It was "home" by the definition.  He could sleep there.   The TV worked most of the time.  Occasionally the water even ran, and sometimes it didn't smell.

The only thing he could look forward to was his computer in the corner.   It was his pride and joy.    Made of the latest and greatest.    The most expensive cutting edge hardware crammed into it.   Ram that was straight from the floors of the manufacturers.   Oh it was sweet.  

I mean if you live in a rooming house, you may as well splurge on SOMETHING.

Paul didn't have a car.    Food was cheap since the price of "Skittles" dropped three months ago.   And buy fixing the odd machine on the side it was enough to feed his habit.

He came up to the door of his house.  Odd, it seemed a little "off".  

Suddenly a shadow burst on the scene through his door. 

"Damn crackheads!" Paul muttered.    The bastard was trying to get away with his pride and joy.   Boy that just pissed him off.

His arm instinctively flew out.    He was ready for a fight.   Never was he the most physically fit person.    Normally lifting a box of Kleenex would give him a hangnail.   He figured on just more than a few bruises.    But today was not the day for anybody to set him down the wrong road.   He just didn't care!

*BAM*

That was it.  No fight.  Nothing!  Just a large unconscious idiot at his feet.   Boy this guy really must have been out of it.  

Then Paul looked.    His pride and joy shattered.   Shock and disappoint fell over his entire body.  

"NO!!!!!!!!" He shrieked to everyone and nobody in particular.   He has just slipped in the new Octagon Processor with MultiHyperGiga threading capabilites.    The board had REAL platinum contacts with a fibre optic link to the drives!

He must have hit harder than he thought.   He went to the corner and gathered the pieces of his shattered electronic baby.   He gently laid it out on the bed.  

This would involve a clear head before he freaked out.   He went straight for the shower.

Next Episode:  A revelation

Many pictures were posted about www.energizeit.ca.   The truth is they were all doctored!

Pictures have been found and published as to what was REALLY going on at EnergizeIT 2007 in Toronto.   These leaked photos reveal the actual conditions attendants were forced to endure!

That's right!  Take a look now!  Before communication is shut down!   Here's the REAL story Microsoft doesn't want you to know.   These are the REAL pictures of conditions at EnergizeIT 2007!   Take note of the attendees trapped in cages.   Unable to run for freedom!  See as they clamour the bars trying to get out!

Oh the humanity!   Forced to drink from Giant WATER BOTTLES!  LORD HELP US!

BullFrog.com was suppying the power?  I don't think so!   Feast your eyes upon the REAL truth.   Attendees themselves forced to run inside wheels to power the great generators.

Won't somebody help them?   Others taking what little rest they could before being forced to drive the treadmills!  GASP!   Nobody seems to care anymore!  *Sob!*

EnergizeIT 2007.  The truth is out there!   Hopefully I don't get found ........................ ZBBZB .... KLIK

GERBIL POWER - the newest Green alternative

Why bother with old outdated methods of GREEN alternatives?

Solar?!

BAH!

Wind?

Useless!

Gerbils are a constantly reproducing resource.   They run off peanuts.   They NEVER stop running.  (Ever see a sleeping Gerbil?)

Best of all, when they die; they bio-degrade!  In some cases they will even consume their own dead!  It's fantastic. 

They Breed!  They eat!  They run!  And the process is so simple!

Simple obtain an inexpensive "Gerbil/Hamster" wheel.  Place a small generator on the side.   A pair of low voltage wires.   VOILA!

One economical "Battery".     Get enough linked together and you can probably start your car!  Stack 'em and run the fridge.

For smaller purposes a, simple "Spark/Methane" system can be used to drive flashlights.    Simple hook up the gerbil to the exterior "harness" and the natural methane produced can run most LED powered flashlights!

So JOIN the GERBIL REVOLUTION!  Be economical and environmentally friendly!  By GERBIL POWER!