Ahhh thinking thoughts and mulling over ideas.

And occasionally devouring a book. But of course not in the literal sense.

That would be silly.

But what if it weren't? What if devouring a book or novel meant EXACTLY that?

Would bring a whole new meaning to going to the library THAT's for sure.

Just imagine these statements.

"How was that James Joyce?"

"Oh it was great but the wit was a bit dry in my mouth."

"What did you wash it down with?"

"I tried a little 'Moby Dick' but that left too much of a salty taste. Plus every hour I was spouting water out of my nose."

"Then I tried some Robert Heinlein. It was great but now I want to eat everything in sight and 'Grok' it"

"Have you considered romance novels?"

"I tried one once but it was too cheesy. Left me constipated for weeks. Almost as bad as a Wiliam Shatner performance. Mind you Ham and Cheese could go great together."

"What about a western?"

"No. I'm allergic to spaghetti."

"Boy you sure are fussy."

Thank goodness we don't live in a world like that, eh?

Sung to "Little Deuce Coupe" - My deepest apologies to the Beach Boys

Ok.  I had  crappy day dealing with the clutch cable only to find out it was a snapped lever under the dash.  (Cheap part, but a boneyeard hunt)

BUT!

I do try to bring some GOOD out of the Bad.

And THUS! To the world!  I bring (Based up the Beach Boys Song "Little Deuce Coupe")

Little Black Truck
It don't roll anymore
Little Black Truck
It don't roll anymore 

I've got a little beast that's in four wheel drive
Most days it won't start and it's barely alive
If I get out the driveway it's a miracle day
That clunky little thing is turnin' all my hair gray
Cuz it's my little black truck
It don't roll anymore
(My little black truck
It don't roll anymore)

It's a little black truck that don't turn or move
The radio doesn't work and it won't even groove
The floor fell right out, I've got a big flat tire
The only use it's got is to start up a fire.
Cuz it's my little black truck
It don't roll anymore
(My little black truck
It don't roll anymore)

The exhaust is dragging down with the sparks in the sky
The fenders fly right out, you would think it would fly
The roof flew right off down the highway now
Dangerous and deadly, it knocked out a cow

My friends won't sit beside me, it's a coffin on wheels
But for Fourty Seven Dollars, it was just one of those deals
Seatbelts they were extra, so was the door
If you gotta stop it now, put your feet through the floor

Cuz it's my little black truck
It don't roll anymore
(My little black truck
It don't roll anymore)

Sung to it's Beginning to look a lot like Christmas (inspired by Inpsired by SQL Man!)

We're just waiting to get ourselves all ENERGIZED!
The Greatest time of year.
The communities all a glow, for that Grand Canadian Show
the Developers and IT Pros are full of cheer

We're just waiting to get ourselves all ENERGIZED!
That one amazing day
It's a Saturday you see, no excuse for thee
to come out and play

Oh yes your brain will explode developing code
with thoughts popping in and out
And there's so much to learn, our thoughts they will churn
We want to just scream and shout

It's too bad it only happens once a year.....

We're just waiting to get ourselves all ENERGIZED!
Anything can be!
Bring your friends and your family, it's absolutely FREE!
It's a pure Canadian computer thing, come and see!

We're just waiting to get ourselves all ENERGIZED!
Sing it one and all!
Grab your laptops and smartphones too, hide your USBs from the glue
and we'll have a ball!

Curious?

www.energizeit.ca

Register now!

Energize IT 2008 - Anything is Possible!

Having done my fair share of long days and late nights (including midnight stints) I've discovered a huge problem.

Humans need sleep.

Not just a little either. For some reason that goes beyond comprehension, the goofy engineer behind our design dictated that approximately 40% of our day we must remain unconscious.

However upon rollout it was discovered that the human creature required time zones as high as 85% of that same 24 hour time period to complete the necessary daily tasks.

So to aid us in this issue, our design engineer rolled out the "NAP" hotfix.

"NAP" or Nocturnal Automated Powerups as they are known more correctly were released to the Global infrastructure to deal with this imbalance in design. For the most part it has worked out well. There are a few variants you should be aware of however when working in the field.

Their effective use will aid you.

The Catatonic or "Cat" NAP is usually experienced with the subject curled up in a ball on a couch knocked out for approximately 15 minutes although this number can vary. The end result (Like many NAP's) is a temporary refreshment in energy. These types of NAP's also have been known to exist on park benches, laps and even the maintenance rooms of Burger Kings.

The Kinetic Wellspring in Cars or "KWIC" NAP is also quite common. Subjects are most often found laying across the back seats of Volvos or with their feet jammed onto the dashboard of old Subaru's resting their head on the passenger seat snoozing and sweating. Interestingly enough, although quite uncomfortable it can be very refreshing. It has been heard a good one hour "KWIC" NAP can sometimes provide an additional seven hours of productive waking time.

Now one of the rarest seen is the Primary Overdrive With Effective Recuperation or "POWER" NAP. This type of NAP usually lasts no more than ninety seconds. It is signifigant as it often yields results such as bursts of creativity and shouting of the word "Eureka!" while also providing approximately sixty boosts in activity. These are quite common in Software and IT Professionals working late night disaster recovery sessions.

Hopefully this quick tutorial will aid you in your efforts.

This message will self destruct in 5...4...3...2...

BORED!

Yup. I'm stuck in a parking lot. Nowhere to go nothing to do. Too early to get into anything, read all my e-mails, drew moustaches on all the pictures in the paper B-O-R-E-D!!!

What can I do to kill the time? What do you do?

Ok let's eliminate all the "normal" stuff. I've already cleaned, washed, organized, categorized and did a complete structural re-alignment of my car.

I sat down with a bottle of cleaning fluid and enough paper towels to choke a horse (Not that I feed dirty paper towels to horses to know that!) and detailed every nook and cranny.

I've already dug for all the buried treasure in my car. It has turned up $2.53, a wad of coupons for the local gas bar and a slightly disgruntled "Gummy Worm." At least I think it's a Gummy Worm.

Nope. Just a poor (and now very grateful) Garter Snake that was trapped under my passenger seat.

I've played every game on my laptop, organized all my calendar appointments, re-arranged my laptop desktop into a "Feng Shui" and optimized it to run as a Commodore 64.

I've examined and replaced every conceivable lightbulb in the car (including a few the manufacturer forgot to wire in)

I've gone exploring about the local plaza and discovered the amazing local habitats. Did you know a full-sized adult racoon can look amazingly like a woman's hat? Neither did I!

So I'm out of options at this point. Any thoughts?

I was going to try and construct a little playhouse out of coffee cups, but the raccoon ran off with them... :(

Sung to Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody - My complete and utter apologies to Freddy Mercury and his estate.  

The original tune was brilliant, I mean no insult to this amazing mammoth tune.

Voluntold - The Musical

Is this a nightmare
Within my reality
Trapped in the closet
A mob waiting to tear at me
Look under the door
Examine the floor and scream
I'm just some dumb guy, I just got Voluntold
Because I can't say no, not at all
Now I get to take the fall

No matter how I see it,
This is how it started
Today

Woke up, checked my mail today
Got a message from the boss
Seems he's totally at a loss
Would I, just mind to do
A shareholder meeting around a half past two
"Oh my God." I cried right out.
"I don't want to do his crap! 
But if I don't do this thing he needs today,
there'll be Hell,
there'll be Hell,
There'll be Hell tomorrow morning."

No way, to turn him down
It's a Voluntold you see
That's as painful as can be

Run and hide if you wanna, won't help at all
Cuz they'll find you hiding down beside the hall
Mommy, Wahhhhhhh
Please don't let me die
It's two thirty now and I hear the tides of war

We see a tiny very shaky little man
Got bad news, got bad news, going to give it right to us
PowerPoint's a glowing, stocks they are a showing
They're a dropping, They're a dropping
They're a dropping, They're a dropping
They're a dropping to the ground!  Must be wrong!
I'm just some poor guy stuck handing bad news
We're all just fuming about our portfolios
Tear him limbs apart, it's a catastrophe

I was just Voluntold, please just let me go
Assurance, Now, we want our money now, LET ME GO
Assurance, we want our money now, LET ME GO
Assurance, we want our money now, LET ME GO
We want our money now, LET ME GO
We want our money now, LET ME GO
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
Where's an exit, where's an exit, Where's an exit, I look around
Prepare a noose, tie it right unto neck, today, today, today

Watch the chairs and the tables go up and fly
See the mob form before me as I cry
Save me! Please come up here and save me!
Look right to the left, I see a path outta here!

I write my wife a note
Simple and so sweet
Avoid a Voluntold, Voluntold will not set you free

Voluntold is not good.... RUN

All silence falls into the house.  A being of such unimagined power comes into the threshold.

It is the mightiest of the mighty!

It is the *FURNITURE GOD* (Queue cool special lightening effects)

Mere mortals upon entering the local IKEA or any other "U-ScrewIT" Furniture shop tremble in terror at the 93 page manuals to assemble a napkin.

"SLOT A??!?!?"

"INDEX G?!"

"A #34 1/4 half twisted Philips screwdriver?!?!?"

People shriek in terror.  They run down the halls.    Bits of photocopied assembly manuals and styro foam trailing behind them.

Regular folk.

But not the *FURNITURE GOD*.  No.   He enjoys such demeaning and degrading tasks.

He ventures into IKEA.  He is looking for a TRUE challenge.

Twelve Story Bookshelves with integrate music boxes?

The *FURNITURE GOD* scoffs.  "Simple child's play!"

Cross sectional multi layer beds with an intermix of lego and Rubik's cubes."

"Phphttt.  I bat an eye and it is done."

Dressers that transform like Optimus Prime into a full sized entertainment center?

"The *FURNITURE GOD* is angered that you bother him so.   I desire a TRUE challenge to my wits."

Aimlessly up and down the aisles kicking various packages to the side like and Soda can.

And then he sees it.

A challenge to TRULY size up his limits.

THE ULTIMATE CHALLENGE TO THE *FURNITURE GOD*.

A challenge NOBODY can face up to.  Even the *FURNITURE GOD*.

Helping the *FURNITURE GOD*'s wife choose the colour for the bathroom.

"Honey do you think...."

The *FURNITURE GOD* bolts off like a scared mouse....

Hey Fateful reader!  If you've forgotten I'm reminding you! 

IT Pro Toronto is meeting up Next Tuesday! (April 15th 2008).

Free to check out, free to join.   Visit for the pizza, stay for the company.

Why y'all might even learn something.

www.itprotoronto.ca

Oh it's been a long one.   The boxes, the boxes and finally THE BOXES!

Rodney looked about.   Finally it was all done.  Or at least the first part.  Man that sucked too!

He looks over at his wife, she looks at him.   Sudden realization.

In stereo they both look at each other.  "Have you seen the cat?"

They quickly glance about but no sign of it.

A panic ensues.  The cat.  They left the cat behind, it ran away... Oh no!

Then that familiar "meow".   Just more omni directional rather than specific.   But there.

"Meow"

They check the cupboards.

"Meow"

In the bedrooms and the living room"

"Meow"

No they can hear the cat but where, Where, WHERE?!

It was then Rodney glanced over at the mountain of boxes.   Suddenly he realized he was in big trouble.   He packed the cat.

His wife looks at him with a look that would kill off a banshee.

"DID YOU PACK MY CAT?!?!"

Rodney stands there shuffling his feet back and forth.  "Maybe."

"FIND MY CAT!"

And so the search began.   Rodney looked at the pile of boxes.   There must have been hundreds there.   And he began, the worlds FASTEST unpacking session.   All the while hearing the same sets of sounds.

"Meow"

"WHAT KIND OF AN IDIOT PACKS A CAT?!"

"Meow"

"I HOPE IT'S SOMETHING OF YOURS!"

"Meow"

"YOU CAN CLEAN UP THE MESS THE CAT MADE YOU KNOW!  I'M NOT GOING NEAR IT!"

All the while frantically pulling open box after box after box.    The constant "Meow" driving him forward every second of the minute.

All the boxes opened up.  Nothing.  No fur, no sudden leaps.

But still.  "Meow"

She looks at him with great disdain.  "JUST WHERE DID YOU PUT MY CAT?!??!"

Poor Rodney.  You're not allowed to lose the family pet.   Oh boy.

When suddenly, rubbing up against his leg.

"Meow"

Leaping up from joy and terror, he looked down.  The cat.

Seems nobody bothered looking by the food bowl in the kitchen.  Doh!

You put your clothes on, backwards and in a backwards order (undergarments last)

The clothes belong to your mate.

You brush your teeth with shaving cream.  Even if you're a woman.

You use "Chirpy" the pet bird as a salt shaker.  And succeed.

You rinse out your favourite mug in the fish tank.

You put salt in your coffee (double double) and shake sugar all over your scrambled eggs.

You're about to go out the door, you grab the cat and throw your car keys downstairs

You kiss the dog and pat your signifigant other on the head.

You refer to your mate by the wrong name.

You try to start the car with your cat and can't understand why it's not working.

You go to put gas in the car and end up pouring your coffee and take a drink from the gas pump.

You drive to work sound asleep.  And succeed.  Until the officer pulls you over.  For driving backwards the whole time.
You can't remember what the day of the week it is and quite frankly don't care.

The month is an issue too.

For that matter, what planet did you say you were on?

The cheese sandwich you made contained the slices still wrapped.   You only realized it after you finished it.

You poured coffee down the engine and drank a steaming cup of motor oil.

You get to work, and it's Saturday.

You kiss the soda machine at work, it kisses back.

You make a pot of coffee but get the sugar mixed up with coffee grounds.   It's a rather sweeeeeet coffee.

At the end of the day, you have a nice cold one.  It turns out to be paint thinner.

You look down at your feet, instead of shoes, you've been wearing bunny slippers all day.