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December 28 Some Legal Problems for SantaWringem Strainem and Drainem LLP Santa Claus Mr. Claus We represent a large group of concerned citizens of whom we are launching a class action lawsuit. The claims are numerous and valid and the damages in the billions. This suit sir names you as the defendant on multiple claims based upon damage to property, trespassing, and improper management of animals. The claims are based upon the following. Damaged roofing from Reindeer trampling upon it. As well Mr. Claus, we also represent a large community of "Differently abled" workers who have been allegedly under your employ for hundreds of years. In their statements they allege that you moved operations to the North Pole to bypass Canadian law of employment standards. They state they have had no Holiday Pay, Vacation Time, forced to live in sub standard bunk conditions as well as occasionally being used as bowling pins. Mr. Claus. Please take note now these are very serious charges coming up in court. It would be in your best interest to have your lawyer contact us to discuss these issues before they need to go to court. In addition we have opened discussions with the FAA regarding your lack of a pilots license and passing through US Military airspace on your "Joy Ride". Please contact us at your earliest convenience. Wringem Strainem and Drainem LLP December 25 A little surprise for the Friday Funnies guyThe phone rings. Mr. Trouble is sitting quietly minding his business. The phone is picked up. It's his wife. "Honey there's a package from Microsoft here." Puzzled he thinks to himself. Why a package today? One day before Christmas? The thought processes begin churning. Job offer? TechNet subscription? "it's a bit lumpy, like a box but inside an envelope." What an odd design. Mr. Trouble begins a wondering. And then he realizes. They have finally decided to exact revenge for all that mischief he has caused. "Quick! Fill the sink with water and douse it! It must be a bomb!" "But Honey, it's not ticking." How fiendishly clever. They've rigged it with a digital timer! "Hurry before it's too LATE!" He can hear over the phone the sounds of water running. Sounds of panicking screaming and a loud 'SPLASH'. "It's soaked well dear." comes the worn reply. "good now go into the garage and find the sledge hammer! I need you to smash that thing! We need to make sure it's destroyed!" More clumping of the feet. Sounds of smashing and a cat screaming. "I think we got it. There's nothing left of it." Good Mr. Trouble thinks. That was close. They almost got me this time. Message pops up on twitter an hour later. Rbuike @ye110wbeard So how did you like the new Treo 750 cellphone we sent you? Mr. Trouble pauses... "...Cellphone ?..." December 23 Computer Who's Who - the IT Professional
(Also known as the general monkey) Another of the most unusual creatures you may encounter is the IT Professional. An odd breed of creature tending to favor look at the latest gadget magazine over a "Playboy". IT Professionals (or more commonly referred to as the 'Hey Computer Guy') are apt to wrapped between cell phones, keyboards, Mobile 6 devices and a small plethora of knick-knacks. This creature will commonly wolf down anything put nearby it, so watch your fingers. Quiet and calm when all works well, it will be often mistaken for a docile creature. Often thought to just lay about like the sloth. But when problems happen, these creatures; regardless of girth, will tear down halls, whip open server room doors and began analyzing problem / solution scenarios in the blink of an eye. Although in general, a true IT Professional does not specialize in any one area; many can. In some cases you will see their eyes light up at the sound of the word "SQL" or "Unified". If you would like to learn more about the It Professional, please IM, fax, email (but not all at once). There are about a dozen devices that may go off. Be kind December 21 Computer Who's Who - the ProgrammerComputer Who's Who The Programmer One of the more interesting creatures in the computer world is the programmer. Often referred to as "Coders", "Developers" and various other sub-species, the programmer seldom is seen outside of its native habitat, the debugging labs. Quiet creatures and sometimes easily excited at the site of a new library of sub-processes, it is a proud creature. Often times you can tell the signs of a programmer having been in the area by the littered piles of a Jolt Cola cans, Mars bar wrappers and paper airplanes. These creatures can often be teased out of their habitats with wrinkle of shrink wrap about a newly released product; or sometimes just counting to 1024 in pure hexadecimal will cause them to leave their surroundings. Incorrectly, many programmers are considered "Antisocial" for the apparent lack of visibility in open areas to the public; but behind doors this creature will take part in many ritualistic ceremonies with others of its kind. It may involve a three day session of Gears of War or rewriting the maps in Doom 1 to fit on the latest Apple Ipod. But programmers are anything but Antisocial. If you would like more information on this creature send all postal and electronic mail to the nearest /dev/null folder December 19 Dad vs. the Mall at ChristmasDad vs. The Mall at Christmas "HO HO HO" The sound reverberates throughout his ears. Santa. Good old Santa. Santa my dear old friend. They are at the mall waiting to see good old Santa. Marching quietly and slowly in file, they work their way along the lines and mazes and open pit traps to see; the Man in Red. Old St. Nick. Mr. Claus. Dad trudges slowly along ready to yank the first coat at the sound of a scuffle. But it is not necessary. There is a strong presence here. Nobody wants to be on the naughty list, absolutely nobody. Slowly the line closes up. The kids are now jittery with anticipation. "You may now see Santa." the head elf gestures them in. The kids gather up on Santa's lap. They smile for the picture. Dad starts counting out the $50's to pay for the picture. These can get expensive. In the meantime, he listens to hear their requests. I mean we ALL know Santa delivers the gifts. That's a given. But Dad needs to know what NOT to buy, right? And so quietly the list builds. The youngest one is simple, dolls, stuffed toys, the obligatory pony, satellite dish. Next up was on of the older kids plugging away at old Mr. Claus for something a little more upbeat. "...Xbox360 Elite, 53" widescreen flatpanel TV set with DolbyDigital surround sound.... And don't skimp on the Bits or the refresh rate...." Right. Nice try. Bold approach. However the tone was a bit "off". This one is almost on the naughty list. Right down to slipping old Santa a $20 for a bribe. Shame shame. Everybody knows bribing Santa starts at no less than $250 with a nice steak dinner thrown in. Then the middle one pulls out the list that's been prepared. Well list wasn't QUITE an accurate word. It was a detailed catalogue summary of items requested, categorized by colour, fashion and preference. The list was effectively a roll of toilet paper with each sheet consumed with a smaller list. Dad could tell as it rolled onto the floor. And there was a Charmin tag attached to that's one's shirt. And so they proceeded out to pay for and pick up the pictures. Dad has the money out ready to make this efficient and go. They had stores to visit, dinner, traditional Christmas Movie. "And what format would you like these in?" The next elf asked Dad. The unwanted pause. "Hmmmmm?" "What format? We have 5x7's, keychains, CD-ROM, Flicker account, complete family package, digital Frame, Karaoke...." the elf gestured to a list as tall as Dad. Dad decided to keep this simple. He put a $50 on the counter to indicate how much he was willing to spend and left it at that. "Surprise me." was all he said. And surprised he was by the CD-ROMs, the paperwork for the online account, the complementary keychains and box of chocolates thrown in. Efficient and surprised Dad muttered "Keep the change and Merry Christmas." surprised that all of this was going smoothly. So off to a few stores. "Everybody meet together outside the restaurant." Dad said. The older ones bolted off in directions to shops of their liking. Dad and Mom bolted to the store with the younger ones. The various toy shops were giant Christmas trees unto themselves. The younger ones eye lit up at everything in site. Video games, electronic books, Dollies, A billion different toys to assemble and disassemble. Dad chuckled thinking how many of these toys would meet "MR. Vacuum" and their arch nemesis the "Lego Chewing Dog" by mid year. But it was only one day, it didn't matter. But it was still funny to think about. Soon the grumbling of his stomach; as well as the yelling and leaping of the younger ones indicated it was time to get lunch. So they meandered to the earlier agreed upon spot for lunch. However finding the older ones proved difficult. He looked all over left and right. Couldn't find anybody anywhere. Until a stranger came up behind him. "Hey where were you guys?" It was his son, or the remains of his son. Perhaps it was an alien. Apparently his teenage son had found the hair salon and somehow had transformed from "Normal Kid" into what MUST have been the spawn of Sid Vicious and David Bowie. It was certainly a unique look. Right down to the earring hanging from his elbow. "Ahh good... *cough*... you're here for lunch. Have you seen your sister anyw...." Dad was cut short by somebody whom he thought to be a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader. Nope. Teenage daughter. "Hi Daddy, do you like my new outfit?" Dad coughed and looked to Mom for her judgement on this one. She quietly pulled out a sweater from her handbag, actually more of large burlap bag with a black belt around it; and placed it over the teenager. Her disapproval was stated in that quiet manner that only Mom can use. Soon they sat down for lunch. All ordered from the menu. The teenagers ordered something a little extravagant, but being Christmas. What the heck. As they sat and ate dinner all was quiet for a bit. Until. Oh yeah, until... The manager arrived. He took Dad to the side. Mom was a bit worried. Everybody was very confused. Dad was even more confused when he walked back to the table. "Well?" Mom looked up. "Apparently our money is 'No good here' since we are officially the 1000th customer this Christmas season. " Dad didn't know how to react. Usually things this good didn't happen to him. Normally it would be his order started a massive grease fire in the back. Or that what he ordered was the cause of food poisoning to some nation. They all finished up and enjoyed the complementary deserts. Soon the ragtag troops headed over to the movie theatre. Now here, Dad was ready. This was the "Get ready for the battle of what we're going to see." He was all charged up for this. Up to the cashier. All ready to figure out the alternates, when the little ones piped up. "Can we see Santa Claus and giant Jello beast?" their vote was cast and soon the fight would begin. He glanced at the teenagers. "Cool!" was all they said. "That's got Pixar animation and has that rad 'Dad vs. the Bee' mini cartoon." Dad was flabbergasted. He blinked. He quietly handed over his money and went inside. As they reached the top of the stairs, they were greeted by a small throng. "Care to try our new popcorn? Free soda today too." The little ones went nuts. Bags heaping high smothered in butter. They didn't know what to do. Teenagers hearing the phrase "Free soda" always go nuts. Dad was having a hard time dealing with this day. He was always so primed for the worst. This day really had him off. They went to the theatre. The movie was watched and enjoyed, no surprise bathroom breaks either. So quietly they all went home, full bellies. Quiet. All straight to bed as it was a long and unusually quiet day. Ahh finally. A normal day. Nice way to end the holidays. Mom looked over at Dad. "Can you run to the store to grab some milk?" Dad pleased with the events of the day was in a chipper mood and reached into his pockets. A pause. ",,,Ummm Honey, have you seen my wallet?" December 18 Computer's Who's Who - The Cable GuyThere's a creature often forgotten about. Quiet and not easily disturbed. It's the Cable Guy. Often forgotten about, the poor helpless schmoe is consigned to running your LAN, Phone and Fibre cables in the ceiling. The Cable Guy is a rarely seen and more often heard creature. It habits within the confines of walls, ceilings and crawlspaces. Much like a cockroach. Unlike the cockroach, it does not heed light but in fact will embrace it when seen. The Cable Guy is often covered in bits of ceiling tile and insulation. Often bruised and battered and very bloodied. This is a result of fishing and running wires and cables where NO HUMAN was ever intended to be. They often have the ability to breathe asbestos. Often mistaken as a "Dumb Grunt", cable guys are traditionally highly intelligent and can solve Network issues in the blink of an eye. Often solving problems before they start. The Cable Guy's diet usually involves coffee, stale sandwiches, Fritos and whatever food can be scavenged about the office. This is a result of the inability to leave the office while cabling. As a result, they are often very thin in appearance. This lack of weight is handy for fitting inside walls. The Cable Guy has a resistance to biting, scratching and electrocution. It can easily strip RG58 cabling with it's teeth. As a result it's teeth are almost missing a few key spots. If you would like to know more about the Cable Guy please mail questions to nobody in particular since nobody will answer them. December 17 Slipping and a Sliding in the SnowSung to "Winter Wonderland" People bruised, sidewalks shaking, Cars are spinning, and they're smashing, Down the sidewalk there's a pile of people Later on, in that mire The cat is frozen, the dog can't pee at all Ten foot high snowdrift piles December 16 Microsoft Technet Licensing Quiz - Cheat sheet for those that REALLY want that Xbox360Which one of the following is not a Microsoft licensing program? The only program not offered for licensing by Microsoft is the driver and plane licensing program. Too many Federal restrictions are closing that one down. Which of the following is not a Software Assurance Benefit? The one software assurance benefit you will not ever receive will be the assurance that giant jello covered beetles will roam your house and do data entry. Sorry guys. What does a MAK stand for? Many Are Killed. It's the usual result of a heavy online session of Gears of War or BioShock. It has nothing to do with licensing and everything to do with winning in Xbox360 Who can you purchase Microsoft licensing from? Hey yo. Easy. My cousin knows a guy with a place with some other guys down the street? And if you was to ask them some questions they might, if you were to ask; give you an answer which could possibly point in the right place. Or not. If you are a small business, which is not a viable licensing option? Never ever ever ever ever EVER buy a license to get married to your server. Too many divorces happen that way. Just rent it. Which is not a feature of an OEM Licence? Well the once feature it just doesn't have is it doesn't come in caramel flavour. Just didn't make the budget How do I determine the best licensing program for my business? Oh oh... EASY. Just ask Mikey. He knows EVERYTHING. Where can you get more information on the Microsoft Licensing Program? "Well the license provider is a person in your neighbourhood, in your neighbourhood, in your neighbourhood. Well the license provider is a person in your neighbourhood. They're the people that your meet, when you're walkin' down the street. They're the people that you meet each daaaaaaay!" Microsoft Offers Licensing Training. Nope. They offer boxing training, javelin catch training, Train training, Cat Juggling Training. No license training. It's in Alpha testing. What does PUR stand for? That is the secret code all parents use. It stands for "Pick UP your ROOM". Shhh don't tell anybody Dad vs. the SnowstormWell what can I say. Dad likes a LOT of snow. That big pile of snow "just hit the spot." Oh yeah! Just there is one small problem here. The Snow got a little out of hand. Just a bit. Just a teeny tiny bit. Looking out the top windows, Dad is OH so tempted to take a walk onto this newly developed mountain that is the snow outside his house. But he can't tell if the snow is snow, in which Dad will get "plumped" all the way down to the ground, or solid; in which case he can pretend to be Moses. But at this point, Dad is in dire straights. No Coffee, no Sugar. no Milk. Plenty of everything else. Plow should be here tomorrow. But short on the essentials. No Coffee. No wonderfully rich aromatic coffee. Dad must venture outside of the house. So it is time, time to get coated and covered. To wrap the coat about the body, the seven layers of socks, the five sweaters, big scarf and toque. Time to dig out. Dad opens the front door. It is a massive wall of snow. You can't see the sidewalk, or the sun. Or even the trees. But the Dad must get out. Shovel seems a good idea until Mom looks over. "Just where are you dumping all that snow?" Right. Dad can dig his way outside and make a tunnel, but the snow has the go somewhere. Somewhere not messy. Somewhere Mom won't be disturbed by. Someplace where melting snow isn't a problem The tub. Good idea Dad! So little by little, Dad begins his escape. Mounds of snow up the tub and dumped in. Up and down the stairs. Of course Dad got a mop to clean up after himself. This kept Mom happy. No mess. Good Dad. Soon the tunnel was almost complete. ALMOST. Just needed something to finish that final bit. And with no coffee poor Dad was tired. Ah but a solution was easily acquired. That good old "zippo" and a can of Pledge. Instant flamethrower. Instant melting. Instant FREEDOM! And an "Instant Soaker". That's right all the newly melted snow poured down Dad's boots. And of course a few singed squirrels in the process. But soon Dad was out, shaking off the six gallons of water; he was free to surf down the slippery two foot of snow roads to get the Essentials. A little coffee, a little milk and a little sugar. There all worth the effort. And of course a little treat for Mom and the Kids. Some piping hot Cocoa Mix and a big box of Chocolatey Chippey Cookies. Dad pops home, not before of course whipping about some Donuts in his little Geo Tracker. "Wheeeeeeeeeee!" Dad yells about in glee! "Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!" You see pulling Donuts in big snowy parking lot is hidden pleasure Dad can't resist. So home he goes. Armed with Coffee and Cocoa! What a wonderful end to a day. Yes. Wonderful. Sitting down and relaxing after the venture, Dad decides a hot bath is in order for such a long day. So upstairs he goes, Tired and weary, eyes half closed he powers up the hot water. He feels it pour in. "Aaahhhhhhhh" Dad thinks. this will be nice. So Dad disrobes. Hops over the tub into the water. Heck he can clean that up later. "Ahhhhh..." he starts and then. Small problem. He forgot about that pile of snow. Cold snow plus Hot water equals. REALLY cold water. "Aaihgihgighighgihgihgihgihgihgihgihgihgihghghgihi!!!!!!!!!" Dad leaps out of the tub and hits the roof. He begins yelling and chattering in an un-intelligible language. "Blooba blooga buuga looga unga wunga oona wonna!" A deeply blue faced Dad is yelling to no one in particular. Snow is cool. Just not in your hot bath. Poor Dad. December 14 Thank you to spammersA thank you note to all of the spammers I would like to send a special thank you this year to all of those spammers who have been trying to reach me. Your efforts have not gone un-noticed. Because of all of your stock tips and the various lotteries, I am now richer than Bill Gates, Steve Jobs and that guy that own's Virgin combined. Thanks. It's helped about the office lately at lunch time. And the extra money has really come in handy with all the Viagra and Cialis. I've stocked up so much I should be able readily re-populate the entire planet ten times over. I'm going to need it too. I mean, what with all the extra women who've been trying to get my attention BEFORE I won all this money, I'm going to be spending a lot of time moving people across the border, I figure I'll be VERY busy in the next twenty years. And for all the extra efforts sent out by PayPal and all those banks (even ones I've never used!) I must say, some companies go to all efforts to show customer service. It's a rare treat to see so many going that extra effort to email me about potential account problems. Thank you! Now to the many people that sent me all those links to view their pictures, I'd love to have spent the time, really I would. But there is only so much time one can spend. I mean with all my extra wealth I've just finished buying Microsoft and supplying food to twenty three different undernourished countries. I'll be a little too busy (if you know what I mean) to check them out. Thanks anyhow, maybe better luck next year? Getting rid of PaperworkPaperwork. The bane of EVERY professionals existence. Oh what to do with it all. Sticky Notes. Memos. Lottery pools. Paperwork to sign when joining a company. Paperwork to sign when leaving. Papers to confirm that you signed papers! Papers adhering to the face that the previous pile of papers should get kept together! Triple signed in Quadruplicates with fifteen stamps and a Laser engraved logo! AIAGIHAIGHAGIH!!! Then there's the lawsuits that launched from all those crippling papercuts! Months to be taken off to re-cuperate What to do with it all. It can be quite maddening. And then of course there is other thing that needs to be done. DESTRUCTION of paperwork. Something not seem quite right about this to you? Now of course with all this new-fangled computers they have here, I hear you can get rid of paperwork. Or so they thought. Now it just re-surfaces as "E-papers". But now that you've figured a way to stop using all that paper. How DO you get rid of it all? Ok you could just sit down and have a massive shredding session, or a bonfire. But the "Safety Committee" might have something to say about the bonfire killjoys that they are. The practical jokers will have loads of fun just walking about ripping a good couple of sheets every time somebody stoops over. I can just picture some creative ones out there using all those former office memos as Origami, making little baskets to hold candies. But they'll have send an e-memo out to most of the staff indicating a policy regarding the taking and leaving of candies in the basket. Of course that policy will need to go through a committee; which will form five more committees on various aspects of that little paper basket. Paper Airplanes are fun but then you get into the whole "Safety Aspect" again. And of course there will be another Committee formed to look into just why they have to be airplanes and not Jumbo Jets or Shuttle Buses. Then there's the doodlers out there. They just love a piece of paper to scribble on making that next new character of the boss or Petey from accounting. But then the lawyers find about them and ruin that fun. Of course a good old fashioned "Roll it up and toss it at a friend" is welcomed by most, but apparently "That's too Dangerous." You could crosscut shred it all and form your own tickertape parade! Hey great for morale. The whole office marching as one to whatever odd beat forms in the giant conga line. The spirit it could build amongst the staff. Wondrous! A beautiful solution. Rid of all that paper! Ooops! Forgot! You can't do that either. Littering. Tch tch. December 13 Santa works for MicrosoftAn icy wind blows through the air.- The magic wraps it up and pulls it about. The Season is here. Mr. Claus is sitting down examining his new "NaughtyNice" Sharepoint app. Those darn elves were just so clever with this new technology. "Hmmm... Let's see. Rick, "Nice", Rodney, Damir. Yep. Well there was that one little incident but we'll over look that. Ruth, John, "Nice", Kerri "Nice", Barnaby. "Nice". Excellent all on the nice list. Except Santa glances for a minute. He looks up and somebody is crayoning in on his web site. They are scribbling something on the bottom. Funny Fridays Guy - Nice "Ho ho ho" Santa laughs. Nice try. He's obviously very naughty. Santa knows what to do with naughty little children. He makes them run Linux. "Ho ho ho! Santa is a funny guy." So he loads up his sack of goodies. He fills it with everything they were asking for. "A laser pistol for John. A bag of 'Juicy Fruit' for Barnaby. Some black shoe polish for Rodney. A big plastic bag for Rick. A wig for Damir. A bag of bird seed for Ruth. Some world peace for Kerri....." Santa is blinking away silly now. Santa is a Jolly old fellow indeed. But this doesn't sound right for some reason. Santa has been hacked. Now just who would so a silly thing like that? Was it Jerry the gardener? Was it Suzi the disgruntled postal worker? Was it Joey the guy that works the drive thru at Burger King? Nope. Only one soul that naughty to mess with "Santa's list." "Steve Jobs! Ho ho ho! I should have known. He's already on the naughty list. Coming up with iPod. Does he know how many little children were hurt from "pod jackings"? Naughty naughty Steve. Calling his computer cutting edge when it is the same as regular PC. Ho ho ho. Well Santa will have to do something about that." And with a twist of his nose and a blink of his eyes, Suddenly all of the devices under Apple became rendered useless, each unit booting up with the following prompt. CP/M 2.2 Copyright 1982 Digital Corporation "Ho ho ho. Naughty people shouldn't mess with Santa's list. Ho ho ho." Merry Christmas to Everybody at Microsoft from that Mischievous Funny Fridays Guy Why Unification should be kept under wraps for some people.Unified technology. All of your communications wrapped up in one nice tight little package. It's astounding. It's amazing. It can make you more productive than anything you'd ever imagined. Unless you happen to be the "Funny Fridays" guy. It was on one quiet dreadful morning the ambulance was called in. Extreme Carpel Tunnel and Caffeine overdose was the general prognosis. But he'd pull through. But nobody could understand why? Interviews went about to trace just exactly what caused it. A few friends he knew at Microsoft popped up with a few answers they knew to piece together it all. "Well I think it was mostly Rick's fault." Rodney Buike offered to the police. "You see, he introduced our Funny Fridays guy to twitter. I mean the guy messaged us a LOT so it should have been obvious to anybody that Twitter.com was a bad thing to put in front of him." The officer writes down further notes. He looks up. "And who is Rick?" "Oh, sorry. Rick Claus. He..." The officer pauses, "Any relation to..." "Nope nope, not that guy but he works here at Microsoft as well. Tests the Xbox360's before Christmas each year." The officer listens intently and scribbles away madly. "So what else?" Damir looks up. "Well the other thing is, when we look back at it; he did show some tendencies to getting hooked on the stuff. I mean he kept looking for ways to getting things to 'interconnect'. He kept watching Rick for hints and tips. He'd pop up at Seminars to do with Unified Communications. The signs were there." "Where can I find this Rick?" the officer inquires. "Oh he's at home right now, he's an instigator but the only thing he's guilty of is a fetish for Tilley hats. Nope Sean was done before he started." "Go on..." "Well I mean, he started collecting blog Memberships, plugging his twitter in, dabble in a little Facebook and Technorati and it was bound to happen." The officer blinks twice. "What the @#$%#@%!@# are you people talking about?" The geeks look at him in unison "TECHNOLOGY!" The officer scribbles down more information, something about needing a geek Thesaurus and a day or four off. "Oh yeah, and then he got his claws on the 'Cougar' and some Technet Direct. But that... that was in good fun. Actually you know, that didn't do it." The officer glances at the paper. "What did then?" At this point Barnaby takes over. "That silly fool. We warned him not to, but 'He knew better'. He 'knew it all'. Noob!" "What did he do?" Barnaby stood there shaking his head. "He opened the floodgates. He let ANYBODY and ANYTHING that could reach and message him, do so." Rodney looks on in the distance. "Yep, spammers, bloggers, IM freaks, They say he was ok for that first hour. Responded to EVERY message. EVERY DAMN ONE!" He continues. "But then he needed to keep up. Keys were sticking, he was running out of devices to work on at once to keep up with the flow, that's when he got in *Rockstar*. That was bad." The officer looks up "But I thought one or two, you were ok. In moderation." "Yep, normal people understand 'moderation' but not him. He heard 'one or two' and translated that to 'one or two' cases." Damir glanced at the smoking pile of equipement left behind. "You know I've never seen keys move so fast. I didn't think you could start a fire that way." "And that's when the ambulance was called?" "Weeeeellll..." Damir wanders off. "We did have him do a little data entry first. I mean you CAN'T waste that much typing speed... I calculated it to about 73,000 keystrokes per hour when he was done." A Funny for RodneyToday is Rodney's birthday. The one day he is allowed to rest and relax and not answer emails, phone calls, twitters, IM's or even smile. (Not that he CAN'T but he doesn't HAVE to... :) ) On today of all days, Rick and Damir have decided to help out and give this poor schmuck a day off. Rest. Glorious Rest. But tomorrow is Friday. Tomorrow is "Funny Fridays". Rodney usually filters out and sorts that pile out. They need to figure out an answer to this. "Well". Rick ponders the thought between a few sips of beer, "We could... just this once...". Damir was busy re-writing SQL 2008. He just didn't like how some of the colours came up and wasn't quite listening. He should have been. "Hmmmm?" "For tomorrow, you know. Letting the Rodster have the day off and all, somebody needs to dig through that pile of... that pile of poop." Again Damir was busy recompiling SQL 2008 and catching half the words. "Day off. Just once" were the only words he really caught- "Mmmmm yes, good idea..." "You think so?" Rick was quickly chugging down that beer down. "Let Sean do it by himself? Just once? I mean he has behaved lately. No fires or giant Onions launched lately." That SQL Server 2008 really had Damir's attention. He should have been paying attention. Might have saved everybody a whole pile of trouble. "Mmmm yes. Onions. Mmmmm. Firey onions... Mmmm... good idea." Rick was decided on the point now. He would create a minor minor minor account and let just ONE little post unedited go in. Hey, ironically; it could be funny. Rick hit's Mr. Trouble on twitter. He give's him the details. Then quickly shuts down all lines of communication while Sean responds in every conceivable manner. Every manner times ten. and times ten again. Twitters Good thing Damir was so engrossed with that giant electronic Squirrel. It saved him from hearing that large onslaught of messages. And potentially saved his fingers burning from the heat of the battery as the HSDPA traffic poured in. A few minutes later, Barnaby walks in; he is worn out from a very heavy session of Guitar Hero III and it showing it. He's sweating up a storm. He sees Rick enjoying the results of nice beer and starting on the results of a second. Apparently this inspiration is allowing him to device the Powerpoint presentations for the February launch. "Hey Rick, how's Rod's head?" Barnaby glances as Rick is madly redesigning a new cover for what Server 2008 SHOULD look like if he was at the head of UX. "Oh we're letting him have tomorrow off. No problem. He's doing good. Hey, you only get to celebrate your birthday once a year right?" Barnaby nodded. Birthdays were fun. The one time your wife wasn't allowed to tell you what to do... No matter how nice she was. "So how are dealing with tomorrows little... little... issue... you know..." Barnaby prods Rick in the side with his boot. "Oh we're letting Sean post just once. That's all. Nothing nasty. If he posts something bananas we're just treat it like a practical joke." Barnaby does a double take. His head does a complete spin. "You're what?" "Letting him do one post by himself. That's all." Rick was now enjoying the brilliant thought he had. Barnaby stops. He pauses. He drops to the floor in an un-controllable fit of laughter. He can't stop himself. "Ahhhh hahahahahah ... you're......'Mr. Trouble'....'Unleashed'.....hee hee hee hee...'telling John I think'..... " Barnaby is in a case of pure hysterics. This was too much. He pauses and sits for a second. He then starts to break out again.... "Ooohhhh....hee... ho ho.... HAR! No really!" Rick looks up. "Really. Oh come on. He can't be that bad." Rick we thinks spoke too soon. He receives a quick message on Twitter. ye110wbeard @ Rickster_CDN Hey Rick is the "DROP command" bad in SQL? I was trying to drop the post onto your site and... Rick blinks. Oh crap. Oh this is bad. Another one comes in. ye110wbeard @ Rickster_CDN There is a backup of this CanitPro site right? Rick sits there. Barnaby has fallen over himself at this point laughing at pointing. "Ahhh bwah hah hah hah! You are SOOOOOO screwed." Damir of course is so busy with recompiling HIS new version of SQL server to fit onto his Mobile 6 Pro phone he hardle notices. Rick is now sweating up a storm. Sure there was a backup. Sure it could be replaced. But how to explain to John that in a fit of drunkeness he let an non Microsoft employee access the Community Server pages and inadvertently left admin access on. I mean the Beer part you could explain. But this is just embarrassing to his pride. Then the phone rings. It rings again. Rick cautiously lifts it up. It's Rod. "So Rick, I hear you had a little 'Drop' problem." Rodney shouldn't have known. He wasn't told. He couldn't have known. "How did you know?" Rick stammers between panic and anger. Rodney is now laughing uncontrollably. Cackling and howling like a madman more like. "Who do you think told Sean to say that? After all I the Rodster invented the Funny Fridays!" December 11 The CougarI am sitting here watching and staring. It grumbles and growls in my presence. There is a problem here. It's sitting down in it's cage looking at me with disdain. I so much want to let it out, but I need to put it's house together. There is scratching at the bars, a hiss and the snarling goes on. What shall I do? The dog backs off from the noise, the cat is staring down from the ceiling in terror. A large paw bursts out. This powerful creature has managed to bend the bars a bit. Thanks to Microsoft, there is a "Cougar" in my basement... and I think it just ate my cat. December 10 I Saw Bill Gates Dressing Santa ClausABSOLUTELY NO OFFENSE MEANT TO MR. GATES! Really! Truly! Original tune "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" I saw Bill Gates dressing Santa Claus Then I saw Bill Gates pat old Santa Claus Oh it was not what I thought I'd seen Stop the snowFor those of you “really love the snowy Ontario roads” From the original “Let it Snow” tune by Sammy Cahn and Jule Styne
Stop the snow A blizzard outside is blowing It doesn't seem to be ending When I finally start to brake Well I'm frozen and cold and wet Deck the Halls ala MicrosoftDeck the halls with Cell phone ringers, Homemade beer and whiskey stills Email Bill Gates from the staff December 09 Server Hells
Rushing down the hall, Warning Bells, Funny Smells The backup didn't run, And soon the sparks flew out Warning Bells, Funny Smells AGAIN! Warning Bells, Funny Smells AIGH! Slushie the SnowmanSlushie the snowman Slushie the snowman There must have been some magic Slushie the Snowman Hop down the sidewalk He oozed right down the road that day Slushie the snowman Drippety drip drip |
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