Now I know most of the time (Ok ok ... fine ALL OF the time) I'm sitting here in my little electronic playland cracking jokes at whatever strikes my mind at that particular point as something to poke at.

But I had a chance to actually implement a solution recently using Virtual PC 2007.  

Now this is NOTHING new to the experts out there.   But to those who haven't played, Virtualization technology is not just a toy for developers.   It's something real people can use.

My situation involved a client that was running an application in Dos (stop giggling) and it was stable and still met their needs to the present day.

The problem they had was something a little more simple.   The machine that ran for thirteen years without fail finally gave up the ghost.

The Dos application would not run under any version of Windows other than Windows98 or Windows 95.  (There are some!)

Enter Microsoft Virtual PC 2007 and an amazing program called WinImage (WELL worth the money).

WinImage can take a drive, memory key or any other such device and create a VHD or ISO file as you so need.    You can back up that file and play with the original as you need in Virtual PC 2007.

It can allow you to mount that drive for read / write access to edit it if you need direct access to it's virtual file system.  

Virtual PC 2007 (a free download from Microsoft) allowed the client to run their original legacy environment on current hardware.   No issues!  The two computers can even network with each other!

The neat bit is thanks to the different ways to connect the machines (Virtual PC 2007 will even connect to some existing hardware like USB ports, Serial ports and parallel ports) there is very little you can't do.

In the case of this client, they will even be able to take a modern day All in One Laserjet printer via USB or LAN and just let Dos print to it.

Even more fun, is you can create a virtual PC, copy the file somewhere else, and launch apps and viruses into it to see what it could do.   But in an isolated environment so you can undo the mess so easily.

Oh this stuff is just the GREATEST!

I'm not sure on the licensing for Enterprise, Microsoft guys are experts on that.   But Virtual PC 2007 is free to download and use.   May want to read the legal agreements, there's probably a minor catch

And of course you're going to need WinImage to build a live copy of your hard drive to play with.     But if you want to start from scratch virtual PC will allow that too.  Heck you can install LINUX in it.  Trap the penguin in a box!

Have fun with it folks!

Dad wakes up.  It is a wonderfully lazy Saturday.  Or so he thought it to be.

Mom looks over at him. "So you're going to unpack and setup the tree today right?  The kids are looking forward to it."

Dad blinks and smacks his forehead.   He responds with THE ONLY response allowed.

"Sure, no problemo.  I'll get right on it."

So quickly Dad has a breakfast; a quick coffee and buttered toast.  He jams on his boots because he is about to enter.

*THE BASEMENT!*

Strange creatures reach out from under the stairs, old wrenches from times forgotten past.   A small field mouse chirps it's disgust as Dad wanders towards to the back.   The back, to find the big box.

*Christmas Tree - '1967*

Yep.  Grandma's old Christmas tree.   Handed over to him when Grandma decided a one bedroom condo with a swimming pool was just a bit more manageable than a 4 bedroom house.

The bits of cardboard seemed held together by magic.   That and old bits of duct and packing tape.   Branches poke through the side as if to challenge Dad.

"We are in charge." they seemed to say.

Dad dragged the behemoth up the stairs.  Bits of paper trailing the way back, as if breadcrumbs were needed to find their way back after Christmas.

Dad began to unpack the box, and as he did; Mom walked in.  

She glanced at the old tree, with only six or seven pine needles remaining; the "genuine imitation" bark long warn away.

A look was given to Dad.  "No." was all it said.  

"No. Not this year, not ever again, burn it destroy it.   Feed it to the squirrels."

It was that look, and Dad knew not to even TRY arguing that look.

So the poor old soldier was taken out to the back shed amongst the many other things Dad was SUPPOSED to throw away but didn't, because he knew better.  RIGHT!

But then Dad brightened up.   "I get to buy something!"  He thought to himself and quickly grabbed the coat and keys (no shoes!) and ran into the truck.   Into the truck to drive off to most wondrous of all wondrous lands.  

The MegaMegaHappyHappyStoreStore.   The store that was SO good it HAD to be said twice.

He wandered down the halls, down the aisles until he ran into a super helpful salesperson.

"Christmas trees?" Was all Dad managed to stammer when they gestured down towards a gleaming and glowing area.

Dad ran down like a kid on hot chocolate.

The gleaming of the lights, the sounds, the twinkling in his eyes.   He was smothered in a smorgasbord of trees!

He looked at first for something "simple and old fashioned."  Yep good old fashioned Classic green tree.  

But it was difficult.  There were SO MANY to choose from.   Green ones, Silver ones,  Trees pre-lit, trees with fibre-optics.

Tiny trees, huge trees.   Trees that called out your name.  But then he had to pause.    For Dad was trapped by a sign pointed down to a tree that so amazingly fantastic, it was simply called "THE TREE!"

Dad motioned to the salesman.  "What's that one do?" gesturing towards the Green Giant of Christmas Trees.

"Ahhh... I can see you are a discriminating buyer sir.  That is 'The TREE'.  It is the GREATEST Christmas tree ever.   Standing fifteen feet tall, it's pre lit with LED bulb chains, does musical melodies with a prepackaged 20 gigabyte MP3 collection through Digital output for your Dolby 5.1.   Every branched is tipped with Fibre Optic lighting.   It rotates gently.  It warms your feet on a cold winter morning.   It says "HO HO HO" randomly through Christmas eve.

Price be damned.   Dad didn't care.  "WRAP THAT UP AND CALL ME SANTA!"  He announced to the world proudly.

The salesman handed Dad a box slightly longer than a small coffee table.   Dad looked down. 

"THAT?  THAT?  contains 'The TREE'?!"

The salesman explained.   "Sir, there is a new air compressed packaging system for the tree.  I guarantee you it's all there or triple your money back.    Just make sure you clear a LARGE area before you pull the rip cord to set it free."

Dad looked down.  Sure enough.   A BIG caution label warning "THIS END UP!  PULL CORD ONLY WHEN 20 FOOT CLEARED!  GET READY TO RUN!"

Dad carted the tree down to the truck AFTER paying for it.   He drove home.   He stood there proudly in the doorway with his cardboard box.

"I've got the tree! Boy is she a pretty one!" (And a VERY odd phrase for Dad to ever say!)

He quickly brought the box out to the living room.   Clearing what he decided was a reasonable clearing space and hiding himself and the family behind some cover.

He pulled the ripcord. 

***S-P-R-O-I-N-G!***

Branches whipped out faster than a gerbil on caffeine.   Items in the living room went flying as the fifteen foot tall tree attempted to fit into the ten foot tall room.    The ceiling began to buckle.  The back window shattered.  But soon it all settled.  

Mom just looked at Dad with that "Oh My GOD!" look that said everything in one shot.

But now that it was unfurled Dad began to examine it and open the provided pamphlet

"Congratulations on your purchase of 'The TREE'.  This is the Greatest Christmas Tree ever.   Get ready to experience the Christmas of a lifetime.    Pipe in the Digital output for 5.1 Digital Surround sound music.   Light it up to bring forth Christmas day every day.  It will look like a flaming angel when lit up!"

Dad found the digital sound linked and plugged it into the stereo system.   Digging up the power cord, he ran it to the nearest power bar that only had thirteen outlets in use.

He clicked the "ON" button and then

The lights on the neighbourhood power grid all dimmed for about 40 seconds and then.......

"HALLELUJAH!  HALLELUJAH!"

The lights and lasers burst forth like a newly born star crammed within the confines of Dad's living room.   The Dolby Digital sound shrieked forth it's majesty. It rotated to command the room with it's power.

"HOOOOO HOOOOO HOOOOO" It boomed out!  The sonic booms hurting the already damaged ceiling.

The children squealed with delight at this amazing toy Dad had fired up.

The dog ran into the hiding.   The cat ran to the top of the tree shrieking and hissing it's defiance.   A small cage of gerbils were jumping up and down as if to say "Is THAT A TREE?  IS THAT A TREE?"

Dad stood there proudly as if to say "Yep, it's not just a Christmas Tree, it's 'The Tree'."

Mom cautiously slipped outside and saw her neighbour.

"So your husband bought 'The Tree' too huh?"

Mom just stood there with here cup of tea, glancing at aurora-borealis in her living room.

"Yup." was all she would say.

This is something we must ALL do from time to time.  New clients, people you meet.  

But how to do it?   What is the best way?

I am NO psychologist.   I do not even consider myself good enough to be an amateur in those areas.   On this I am CERTAIN.

But I'm PRETTY certain I know the wrong ways to do it.

Sneaking up behind that new person with a fully inflated paper bag and popping it.  Then of course introduce yourself.  In a sense you could be "popping a question."

Begin tossing coffee and tea literally to people you meet.   Make sure there IS a lid on the cup and you have scoped out the exits in advance.

Break out in song and dance in the middle of the reception area before shaking hands with a new person.  Make sure you have a top hot and cane for this too.

Kick in the door and yell in the most foul voice you can "Where's the !#$#?#% who runs this place?  I'd like to meet them! NOW!!!!"

Go into parties and began taking people drinks out of their hands and swapping them with other people.   While it might not help you in your endeavour to meet people, it will certain get other people going.   No I was wrong.  I think you MIGHT at least get to meet the sidewalk face first.

Stand there in front of somebody making little "beep beep" noises between every second sentence.  Don't explain this.

Wear all your clothes backwards to get attention, somebody is sure to "break the ice" and start up a conversation with you.   At least regarding your ill choice in dress.

Juggle eggs, even if you're really bad at it.  Carry lots of spares.

Walk into rooms with a megaphone with a Darth Vader voice changer.

Pat somebody hard enough on the back to either knock them on the ground or swallow their fillings.  Or both.

Find anybody with glasses.   Walk about with "Windex" and towels and wash their glasses.  Ideally while they're wearing them.

Talk to people by singing to them off key.  REALLY off key.

Write goofy stories about them and post them on websites.  (Nobody would EVER do this!)

and of course my personal favourite

In a large upscale office, burst in wearing a cape and mask yelling "I am the one, and unstoppable, CAPTAIN PLUTONIUM!   Evil doers beware me!"

Remember everyone.... This are anti-tips.   The wrong way.   The absolute wrong way.   Don't try this.

But it's fun to think about though isn't it?

With all credit handed to the original by Clarke Moore

'Twas the night before Christmas, In Redmond's back yard
Not a creature was awake, Not even a guard
The staff was all sleeping, Deep through that night,
In hopes that Steve Ballmer, Would not give them a fright,

The head of security was about to go snooze,
As a result of a night of some heavy old booze,

And I at my PC with one gross of CDs
Had just gotten ready to burn MP3's

When up on the ceiling I heard a great noise
I wondered what idiot, broke out the toys
I flipped on the cam to see out of there
Shot out of my office and right up the stairs

The light of the moon and the snow on the roof
Showed to my eyes some geeky old goof
When what should I see this cold frosty night
Were some frosty geeks, oh what a sight!

The driver of that sleigh, with geeks on a spree
That man was Bill Gates, dancing with glee
More rapid than Xeons his minions they flew
He screeched and he squealed and yelled at that zoo

“Hey Ricky, Damir, Barnaby and Rod,
Now Ruthy and Kerri and John move this clod!
To the bottom of the switches and the top of the stack
Let us pour out now and keep up the slack!”

Such joy and such power,  they pulled that old plow
64 bit powerhouses Quad Processing now

And out to the children of those that did plead
Those digital angels would carry great deed
And then on the  Roundtable that camera so clear
I saw a sight that made me feel dear

As I gazed on that view screen I felt myself shout
Was Bill Gates and his team, helping some out
Dressed in their clothes all cherry and white
They flew to the world and out to the night

To the needy and hungry food did they bring
The joy that they brought made them all sing
Their eyes they did shine, and faces did glow
In the light of that glistening wintery snow

They went straight to work and danced and they did
Giving presents and joy to many a kid
Helping out homeless and those on the street
and any underprivileged that they did meet

Their faces lit up full of power and spite
against the hunger that burned in the night
Sorrow and neglect and poverty would die
If they could help it damn they would try

On a night of such peace a night of such wonder
They flew out to the world and burst with great thunder
Many were warmer, many did smile
the world is was better, at least for a while

Goodwill and good cheer, if it only could be
This day all year round, that they did plea
They flew to the world all that great night
And gave of themselves, oh what a sight

They cried out to the world and to all that would hear
"Seasons Greetings to all, and Happy New Year"

Sean

Sorry John Melloncamp (“Don’t call him Cougar!”) – Jack and Diane

Little song, 'bout Rick and Damir
Two 'puter guys drinkin' a whole lotta beer
Ricky gonna get himself a pimped out phone
Damir watchin' him hit that thing with a stone

Sittin' on a stage at big release fair
Rodney jumpin' up got his hands in the air
Ricky say hey "Check out that dude with the flamin' pair
Call him on over here, let him sit upon my mighty chair"

Say uh huh, the dude's got skill
Microsoft wants him, he seems to fit the bill
Say uh huh, the dude's got skill
Microsoft wants him, he seems to fit the bill.  (He joined up)

Ricky sits back, watches old Brucey walk in,
"If we don't hire this bastard, could be a big sin"
Well then Mr. Buike joins up with dem crazy old geeks
Rodney says "Holy crap! I got scooped by these freaks!"
Ricky say,

Yeah uh huh, he's cool shoes
Can't see to get him to get the blues
Yeah uh huh, he's cool shoes
Can't see to get him to get the blues

Barnaby joins in, and Ruthy as well,
Johnny is there with Kerri in the knell,
Gonna get those nerds going with technology
In the Great White North they'll go set them all free

Oh yeah, they're on the loose
Rolling out events and scaring off moose
Oh yeah, they're on the loose
Rolling out events and scaring off moose

Little song about CanItPro
No Addams family song, it's just got to go

Well let me see. April fools Day is ONLY once a year. We need to keep in practice to keep people on their toes right?

Can't let a day go by without a giggle or a smile. Hopefully not at our own expense either.

I was thinking, what could be a good practical joke to play I.T. style? Nothing malicious of course.

That would be just wrong, and kind of funny. But wrong.

Definitely wrong.

Having said that... What could we do?

Maybe drop a little EFS encryption on the boss' personal MP3 collection and hide the key?

Change the shortcuts (and the odd application) to Force Microsoft Office Word shortcuts to open up just WordPad.

Reverse the commands in the registry so that the "Start" button automatically shuts down the computer.

Invert the mouse buttons on everybody. Invert the movement as well.

Change the keyboard layouts to dvorak without telling anybody.

Turn on large icons and shrink the font to "2".

Load up some "unusual and amusing" event sounds. Let your imagination fill in the blanks.

Find users with the same brand of wireless keyboard. Ideally they are nearby each other. Swap their keyboards and mice with each other.

Plop a memory key in the back and load the Vic-20 Emulator. Force it to the default booting device. Just WAIT til help desk gets that call.

Preload up all the Mac's in the office with "Windows Appearance". Make it look like Vista is on their computers. Watch the panic begin.

Change the complete language and regional functionality of the one person in the office with really bad typing and spelling to Mandarin Chinese.

Invert all the displays from the display drivers, or rotate them randomly. Turn the monitors to match the settings. Leave a note explaining about the earthquake rotating the video drivers the previous night.

Replace all the event sound files with versions of an amplitude 90% quieter. Crank up the volume appropriately to make it all sound normal. Just wait til they hit the internet to play the "Funny Link of the Day".

Find the one user with a Colour Inkjet printer. Swap the colour cartridges about.

Get a picture of a user's background. Set that picture as the background. Hide the start Menu and all the icons.

Change the salt in the lunch room with "Alum powder"

Hide a a few strobe lights somewhere in the office. Set them to go off completely randomly.

I'm certain there are so many that could be pulled off. Hard coding all the Macs to run Media Player instead of iTunes. Find the one user with a Rubik's cube and swapping two stickers (just two, that's all you need), Putting the salt in the sugar dispenser in the coffee room.

Let your imagination roam. Just make sure you have a REALLY good Lawyer first, and a fast car.

Tssssssss.................

That sound.   What an odd sound....

Tssssssssssssssssssssssssss........

Rick Claus sat down there for a moment in Mississauga wondering who 'broke wind' even though there was no real scent.

Tssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.....................

The sound permeated through the halls.  

Rodney walked over.

"Hey Rick, did you hear a hissing sound?"

"Good.  I'm not nuts.  Yes.  And It's driving me nuts.   Do you know I've got to catch a plane and .... "

Tsssssssss.

"What the...."

Rick calls in the Gas company.  The plumber.  This could be an emergency.  He could just expense and let 'the wigs' deal with it.

Nothing.

Nothing at all.

NOTHING TO BE FOUND!

Tsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss......

Checking with security.  No.    No Mr. Trouble was definitely nowhere near the building.   There were no fires in the parking lot.     Nobody left the toilet running.  

NOTHING!

Just this stupid.

Tsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.......

John walks in with Mark.  They were wearing 'wigs' ironically.

"Hey could somebody do me huge favour and stop that noise?   It's stupid but REALLY irritating.    I keep hearing this hissing leaking sound."

Mark nods in agreement since it was HIS idea.

"Yes.  I do think it should be eliminated.    In fact I'm glad John suggested it.    You know, back when I was an IT guy..."

Suddenly Ruth walks in followed by Barnaby.

"Hey, did anybody hear a noise?" Barnaby suggests to nobody in particular since they were already covering their ears.

"WHAT?!  NOISE? HISSING?!" Rick yells out to nobody in particular.  "SHUT IT OFF SOMEBODY!!"

Tsssssssssssssss.

Kerry blows in trailing a large wind behind her. 

"Hey I heard there was some kind of noise over Live Comm, I just ran in from Florida.      What's going on?   Somebody let me in on this...."

Damir stood there shaking his head.  "Don't know... but it's irritating!"

Tssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss...

And then it happened.

One by one, unofficial Funny Fridays content began leaking out of the mailboxes.

"Oh come on already, he already did one about my phone blowing up the mail servers... A Data LEAK?! That stupid noise is a 'DATA Leak?!'  Give me a break!"

Rick rolls his head in disgust.

The writer quickly presses a mute button on Rick so he can't complain as more and more of the unofficial content oozes out to the floor.     The pile is getting messy.      A piece of "Dad vs the Bee" get's on Rodney's shoes.

Rodney leaps down in terror "AIAGH!  Yuck! My shoes!"

Rodney tries to move but the writer has decided to not allow the shoes to move.   The words have coated the very fabric itself. So Rodney does the unthinkable.   He removes his shoes.

The pile is really spreading now.   Throughout the halls.   Under the tables.   

They all try to move but something is preventing movement at this moment.  

A mischievous writer.   That's what... ;)

The pile begins to cover everything it can find.  Barnaby wraps himself in a Pelican case for protection.   Kerry tries to run, but well.  Again that troublesome writer.    Ruth tries to call up her animal friends for help but again.   It appears that there is a lot mob of squirrels locked outside the office unable to help. 

That darn writer again. 

Bits and pieces of photos from his "Proof" of being a geek wrapped about the table legs.   Gerbil stories coated the cafeteria floor.      Oddball comments oozed into the drainage system.     'N' Code smothered the deep fryers.  

The writer turned his head to sneeze.   That was bad.   The doors opened letting all the squirrels in running free.   All the yelling Rick was doing got loose into the air letting forth a sonic boom.    All the stories blew into the air.   Rodney's shoes went flying.

It was at that point the door to Lord Phil's office opened.  A copy of "An interview with an 'I.T. Professional lands squarely on Lord Phil's face.   He looked out to the mess.  He looked up at the team.   He looked at the large mob of squirrels scurrying about the office.

"You know, you really have to do something about this guy..."

'Twas a night of darkness.    Horrors roamed through the cosmos that nobody would dare face on a good day. 

Lightening tore through the sky that night in preparation for a typical storm that is required in all of these stories.

Deep deep in the archives of Microsoft, a certain powerpoint Presentation from "My Technet Security Tour" lay dormant, waiting to be downloaded.

And then of course, it happened (well it had to, it's supposed to be a scary story!)

A bolt of unbelievable power, rippling with Cosmic Radiation (Don't ask, call it creative license) blasted down near the walls of Mississauga.

*KZRRZRZZRZRZZZAP!*

A thing that could never happen in a million years to that most Holiest of Data Stores did.  A power Surge.   

Computers that had been babied and protected for ages suddenly puked out Word documents onto the floor.   Excel Spreadsheets were coughed up as well and became live multi-faceted documents littering the server room floor.

And then another bolt, in the same spot!   A special *RED* bolt containing even more evil Cosmic Radiation (*But how did Cosmic Radiation .... *BAP* ... the writer nails that thought down and shuts it up)

One more particular powerpoint file falls out and begins the glow and grow.

And soon, standing within the data room, twelve foot tall and growing, is the most feared of objects.

The Giant Onion of Security.   It looks down at the ground and in one fell swoop begins to feast upon all the data laying around it.  

It scoops up all those important documents and consumes them, Encrypting them with EFS and hiding them from the world.   It begins wandering the office turning on Bitlocker to any machine it finds.

Security guards waking up from their naps look up in dis belief to see this behemoth wandering the halls.  

Could it just be an April fool's joke gone mad?

The Giant onion roams the halls trying to find an exit.    It sees the helpless humans with their puny security badges.   They do not match it's own internal security database.   So it quarantines them all and knocks them out with powerful onion gas.

It smashes through the doors and sniffs (ignoring it own powerful onion order).

"I SMELL DATA"

By this time, the local police have arrived.   Being that alarms in Microsoft Canada actually went off, they took it seriously. 

Of course soon the rest of Microsoft Canada showed up (at least those within decent driving range).

They all looked in horror and amazement at this thing.   Mark Relph looked up and down at the crowds.   He spotted Rodney and Damir.    Rick was also there having decided to snooze in the city for one night.

"Who made THIS?!" he moaned pinching his noise and watery eyes.

ALL fingers pointed at Mr. Chariots of Fire blinking quietly against the night.

"Well?  Just HOW do we kill a giant Onion of Security."

"and what do we do about all the data it ATE?!  My mp......my documents!" John cried out!  I'll have lost all My Documents!

Rodney winced and glanced at the creature.   "Well a REAL onion of security I would say, Nope nothing to do if the layers are good."

But this looks and smells like a REAL onion, I'm hoping the security stinks as much as this thing, soooooo.  I think maybe SHOOT THAT MOTHER!

And so the chief gave the word.    Hails of bullets blasted into the skin.   The Giant Onion of Security shrieked in pain.   It's exterior core was a cheap $20 firewall from Future Shop.  It's layers dropped down.

It's human physical security it had acquired from inside fell to the ground crying.   

Another blast hit the creature as it shrieked in pain.    The recovery keys for the Bitlocker were sitting on regular USB keys that began to fall on the ground.    The Giant Onion of Security rolled back again crying out to the night.

And they saw it.   Gigabytes of Gigabytes of helpless MP3 files ... er..... WORD documents (nobody keeps MP3 files inside Microsoft) trapped inside.      The Giant Onion of Security roared back at the crowd pointing at it's treasure.

Thousands by this point were already crying from the smell of the onion.     Now there were real roars of terror.   "No NOT the DATA!"  For it was all encrypted within the giant onion with EFS and killing the onion would destroy the data.

And then John walked in.    To bleary eyed from onion juice to use stare power he offered some simple and wise wisdom.  "The offsite backup... is it ... intact?"

Damir quickly zipped popped out his Mobile 6 device, contacted the data store center, provided appropriate credentials including callback verification with three heads of security at Microsoft.     It was confirmed that the backup was indeed intact.

So all that would have been lost was a few hours of downloading from Limewire.   SUFFER.

Phil cried out to the police "Do you have any Hand Grenades?"

The Mississauga police looked at each other.   Latest rounds of "Alternative Force" had left them with pepper spray and tazers.   And they were quickly running out of bullets.

Suddenly across the horizon, a flaming Geo Tracker comes bursting across the parking lot.    It does a triple donut and slams in the Giant Onion of Security.   The driver leaps out the side running away for safety.

That little black Tracker blows up into flames engulfing the Giant Onion of Security.    The data it contained was greedily eaten up by flames.   The smell ripped through the night like the oil from a Bad Burger King special.

A cheer from the crowd went into the night as the Giant Onion of Security became a giant snack.

The team from Microsoft Canada looked over at a scraped up and beaten Funny Fridays guy.  

"You saved us!   You sacrificed your car and saved us!   The Giant Onion is DEAD!"

Mr. Trouble sat up, looked around at the mess.

"What? What Giant Onion?   I was in a hurry tonight and thought I was late for the Technet Seminar. Sorry about the mess.  Do you think my car insurance will cover this?"

A simple and quiet night.   That's all he asked for.

"It'll be a breeze" Rodney said "Everything's ready and I'm off to Ottawa."

Famous last words.   Yep famous last words.

He wandered in.  Material all prepped.  "EFS, Bitlocker, Group Policy, demos".   All loaded up and ready to go.   He glanced.   MVP's to the left, Linux users to the right.   Surrounded on both flanks.

He glanced out the Window.   Some idiot with a Geo Tracker was pulling donuts in the parking lot.  Have to speak to security about that later.  And then he realized that the idiot was... "Mr. Trouble"

He quickly messaged security to beef up and hide the coffee.    Damn he was going to get home tonight at a decent hour.

The audience filled out and the auditorium began the fill with the chatter of many computer people.   Remainders of Sector hung near the back.   Easier to slip out.     Of course more trouble could occur near the back.

Damir slips into the podium laptop loaded and begins.

"Hi I'm Damir Bersinic, and please don't anybody email my address on the screen.   My data plan is already over limit this month."

And with that he began.    Poor beleaguered members of WWITPRO were chained and shackled to the front of the stage.  

"Hi we're from Waterloo Wellington and..."

*Bzzzzt*

A buzzer went off and a large hook yanked the poor fellows into a small room off to the side.   Seems they hit their 28 second limit already.   Too bad as they were most likely to be used as tomorrow's cafeteria food.  Poor fellows.

And so Damir took over again, going into EFS and recovery keys.

The presentation on screen was flowing nicely until he spake those fateful words.

"....and I have free t-shirts for anybody who has a question to ask...."

Worst thing he could have ever done.   Offer swag.

Suddenly questions came out left right and center.   Some intelligent.  Some downright stupid.    Some un-related to the topic at hand.

And then when it died down, all the questions stopped asking.  The answers began muddling in his head.   They began to come out in a giant slur...

"... File.... Encrypted.... Not porn...On Tuesday.... Bitlocker the Novell database...Active Directory...Chickens.... No... Maybe.... Compress....Rick's Hat... Giant Onions....."

It was making about as much sense as a Funny Friday song.    

He was still ok until that one fateful question popped up.

A hand raised.  

"Yes." his hands shaking as he awaited the response.

"Shouldn't we encrypt the SQL databases to enhance security and dump it all on a Bitlocked hard drive?"

*POP*

A blood vessel flew off his head.   Calmly.  Slowly.  Purposefully.   He walked over.  He stared at the participant.

"Excuse me?"

"Well if security is important shouldn't we encrypt the SQL databases to enhance security and dump it all on a Bitlocked hard drive?  It would really lock down the data."

Damir grabbed him by his memory key.   "Listen and LISTEN WELL... and REPEAT after ME!"

The participant quaked in his shoes.

Like the Green Giant Damir boomed out.   "You will never Never NEVER EVER EVER EVER ENCRYPT THE SQL DATABASE!!!!"

The user gasped in terror.  

Damir stared with the power of a thousand cobras.  "ALL of you!  Repeat!  NOW!!!!!"

"We will never Never NEVER EVER EVER EVER ENCRYPT THE SQL DATABASE!!!"

"Except if Damir is not looking." piped up a little voice.

He glanced, what creature dare....

*HIM*

Mr. Trouble sat there scratching his ears.    Whistling innocently.  Then seeing Damir he scampered off down a side hall.    Off to encrypt files.   That would please Damir.

Another vein popped.  

Daniel of the LazyAdmin looked on.   "I think he got into the coffee again."

Damir looked at Sim.  "YOU!  YOU WERE WARNED OF THIS ONE!"

Sim looked at the coffee pots.   Checked each one chemically.  All decaffeinated.   No sugar anywhere.

"Must have hit Tim Hortons first." Damir pulled out his organizer.   Marked in a calendar appointment.

"Tomorrow AM.   Blow up Tim Hortons."

The meeting continued on.    Damir took out his frustrations by hitting users over the head with t-shirts until he ran out.    There were a few arguments amongst users about the best way to break into the laptop.    It was finally agreed to just simply hit it with a hammer.

And then of course the draw finally happened.      The winner of the Xbox360 came up to claim his prize.

He looked up at Damir and Sim.

"This feels a little light."  the participant nervously stated.

Damir grinned mischievously.  "You won the X Box - the box for the game.  Not the actual machine..."

Strange how his laptop bag was a little fatter that night... :)

There is a tapping on the desk.     Grumbling and thumping.   Rodney looks at the Inbox. 

"Funny Fridays folder.  One item left.   Going to have to crack down on this fellow."

Rodney whips out his Mobile 6 phone, quickly messaging out.  

----------------------

TO: Sean Kearney

SUBJECT: Funny Fridays

Ahem.

I have been patiently awaiting more content.   Please hurry up before I send "The boys" after you.

Mr. Shoes of Fire

------------------------

"There" he sits down quietly.    "That should take care of that.   Whine and complain about swag but when it comes time to work..."

And then he glances.  The folder counts begins to increase.

10, 50, 120...

"Oh no!  NOT AGAIN!"

Rodney quickly hits his Frontbridge settings and blacklists the address.

"Not explaining THIS to John again."

In a huff he hops into his Volvo and buzzes Damir.

"Damir, Rodney here.    Would you like to assist me in a little operation?"

Damir thinks to himself.    Cold night, snow everywhere, roads suck.

"Does it involve effort?"

"Nope, but it could involve exacting a little revenge on a certain 'Funny Fridays' guy.   He's been a little lapse on his submissions."

Visions of jibjab.com pass before Damir's eye.

"Ok I'm game, let's go.   I'm on my Third Rockstar tonight anyhow.   I was encrypting an exabyte sized volume with Bitlocker for fun."

They pair up in Rodney's car and tear off down the Road.   LZYADMIN gleaming in the moonlight.   A night of caffeine crazed nuttiness.

They arrive near the cave of "Mr. Trouble" aka "Funny Fridays guy".    In is in the deepest darkest ghettos of Canada.   There is nothing here but barren life and dead rusting Mercedes diesels.     They quickly put on all of their "Dark coloured Microsoft clothes" slip on black toques; and of course cover their faces with "Fake glasses and moustaches" to conceil their identity.   

They creep towards the entrance.   Sounds of Guitar Hero III slip out the entrance. 

"No wonder.  Lazy bugger!" Rodney mutters.

They turn about, open the trunk of the Volvo.    They find some old "Microsoft Banners" from a previous tour and old Lan cables.

Damir grins.  "That'll do it."

They slip inside with the banners, Lan cable and a pair of Dead Xboxes.   They move behind him.   He is in the midst of a large Guitar Hero III solo when...

*WHAM*

*KLUNK*

They glance at each other and grin.  "Got 'im!"

They quickly wrap up the troublemaker.  Up the stairs and into the trunk of the Volvo.   The whisk off into the night...

Mr. Trouble awakens.   Chained to a keyboard, tied to a chair.   He is locked in a dark basement of Microsoft.

Rodney looms over him. 

"Now get FUNNY!" he snarls into the night and laughs out maniacally.     He dances about like a madman with live 120 volt wires arcing into the night.

Damir and Rick gloat away clinking glasses.

"Thought we forgot about jibjab.com did you?"

Mr. Trouble stares at the screen....

Good grief.   This was going to be a long night Charlie Brown.

Here we are, Johnny on the spot interviews.   Each week we like to highlight the "people in the street".   This week we are interviewing an ACTUAL computer person, or as they like to refer to themselves "IT Professionals". 

I know, sounds like a "made up" name but that's the mentality of these people.    Dressing themselves in anything from old dirty jeans and free T-shirts; all the way up to Blank Pants and suit ties.  So in some cases it's a little tricky to spot them.    But there are the obvious signs.

The lack of hair, Haven't shaved for four days, even women; Glasses welded together and lots of Blinking lights attached to their bodies.

So today we're chatting with a tech who we'll just refer to as Mr. X.  to protect indentities.

(Oh nuts, Can we edit that?  I wasn't supposed to specify gender!   No?   Fine fine, just get the lawyers ready in case)

"So Mr. X. what can you tell us about your day?  What do you do each day?"

Mr. X turns about red-eyed and bleary, twitching like a madman

"Huh? Oh you.   Funny, I guess you that thing I marked down as 'talk to some guy'.   Well each and every day I pretty do whatever I'm asked to; and even a few things I wasn't."

"Like for example.... Please elucidate."

"Great I have 'Eliza' for a reporter.    Well yesterday morning I woke up to the cell buzzing about on the floor and with the cat leaping about in terror scratching me on the face.   Attaching the cell phone to the cat on a leash can be a great way to wake up by the way.   It was a buzz from a client panicking."

"Panicking?   What was the problem?  Something nightmarish?  Life threatening?   Exciting?"

"Oh yeah!  It was a doozy!  They woke me up at 2:37am on a Sunday because they forgot their own name and were wondering what it was."

"Try again?"

"It was a user who'd had a night of heavy drinking and had decided there and then to do a little research on the... oh forget the being polite part.    They were smashed and they wanted to surf porn and couldn't remember their own name."

"So important!  And how did you deal with that?"

"I explained politely that we had a department that dealt with that more effectively and for them hang up and dial our special extension 611 for that information.   But if they needed the emergency line to dial 911."

"And they accepted that answer?"

"Well like I said, they were smashed out of their skull.  So I went back to sleep.   I woke up later on to something a little more pressing.   A client had erased some important emails and needed me to get there right away.   So being that it was a Sunday I started up the car and went back to sleep for another hour."

"Hmm?"

"Well I had to let the car warm up, can't let the oil run on cold oil you know.   Car engines don't come cheap.    So an hour later after waking up from my nap I went out to the site.   It was a no brainer."

"Oh the mail was in an obvious spot?"

"Well if by 'obvious' you mean buried in some obscure sector in the file system on a Novell 2 server that was patched to work with Groupwise running inside a virtualized box on NT 4.0 under an Alpha Processor buried under seven pounds of Arcnet cable coated in some material I've never seen.... Yes it was obvious."

"Don't you recommend to most clients to backup their data.  I had heard you should do that."

"Oh gee, you've worked in the industry SO long you know ALL of our techniques and terminology.   Whoa.  Let me stand back in awe of the presence before me!  A reporter who is a TRUE IT EXPERT!"

"Uh I didn't...."

"... You didn't use de-odorant?  Yeah I can tell.    So anyhow back to me.    The client was out of the phonebook, so a site that was setup by some other guy who's probably long dead with a server buried in a locked broom closet everybody forgot about.   No.  If it was one of my clients, the regulars they are a LITTLE more protected."

"Can you give us an example of good protection?"

"Well I won't dumb it down, that's almost impossible.   Typical site has eight servers with twelve UPS's, 4 clustered mail servers, a SAN fully rack mounted redundant switches, Quad Wan with 10 gig backbone with Active Directory synching up to remote controllers in seven hidden satellite offices and a backup power generator.   Then there's the Robotic tape libraries for backup and Data Protection Manager."

"WOW!  That must be for a large user base!"

"Oh it is.    It's a doozy.  I think it's (getting out a calculator) five."

"Five offices?!  That's a decent size company!"

"Offices?  No five users if you count me.    Oh no we don't take a chance on redundancy.   Too iffy that way.    Nope nope.  Nothing but the best for our clients.     And every workstation is a QuadCore 4 gig ram UBERCOMPUTER with Raid 5 drive arrays."

"Must be some high end stuff their doing!   Accounting?  Graphical Design?"

"Oh no worse.   Solitaire."

"So I see you cover your rear end heavily?"

"Have to.  SLA's, Lawyers are not friendly things.    That am I'm not allowed to drink while driving the Prius so I need to minimize panic calls."

"But I see you get some out of the phonebook.   What were some of the silly calls you've gotten?"

"Silly?  Can I rhyme off the list?!"

"Sorry, how about the top five."

"Ok THAT I can do.   Dog bit the keyboard in half and killed the PC, User trying to use their computer in the middle of a complete eastern seaboard blackout,  somebody plugging a Commodore Pet into an IBM, Somebody else called up one day trying to figure out the meaning of life.   Of course my personal favourite was the ding dong who called up trying to determine why their wireless cellular Internet wasn't working from the parking garage three floors below street level."

"*Snicker*.  How about your worst?"

"Easy.    Company that ran their SQL servers on a spanned partition with no backup on a fifteen year old computer.    Sparks were flying out the side and all the websites were down."

"And how did that work out?"

"Oh I sold them our 'standard setup'  sent the server directly to a data recovery lab and couriered over a complementary fruit basket and 40 pounder of Bacardi 151."

"And do you still keep in touch with them?"

"Well I kinda have to.  The network Administrator and I share a spot at the local AA meeting."

"So a stressful job!  I was wondering..."

*Phone rings*

"Sorry, hang on... Uh huh, yes I see.... Mmmm mmm... ok five minutes."

"An emergency?"

"Yeah, i'm going to have to cut this short.   There's an emergency going on and I need to deal with it quickly."

"Oh no!   Dead server?   Lost data?   Fire?!"

"Worse, somebody is about to beat by score on Guitar Hero III on Xbox360 and I need to deal with it."

"Ah... I see.... Well thanks for your time.    Well this is Johnny On the Spot signing off saying don't forget to read your warranty cards and license agreements."

You know.  I always liked Charlie Brown.  I liked Charles Schultz and all his work.

But I'm a parent now.  I had to look at Charlie Brown Thanksgiving through different goggles.

And you know what?

This show is just RIPE with abuse and mismanagement of the children!  MY GOD!

First off.  Let's get to the basics.

Just where, WHERE?! In the ENTIRE SHOW! WERE THE PARENTS?!!??!?

Oh "It's just a kids show".... sure sure... ignore the facts.

But look at what this kid and his friends did.

Used up three loaves of bread and probably five sticks of butter for a bunch of younger ungrateful little brats to chaw on.

Burnt about three bags of popcorn.

Chugged down Jelly beans and Pretzels!

Set the dog's ear on fire.

Gave a knife to a bird.

To paraphrase Charlie Brown, "Good Grief!"

Can you imagine Charlie Brown's dad coming home from his bender (I mean WHERE ELSE was he?) staggering into the house to see

a) The mess.

b) the chairs and the Linen covering the backyard.

c) the garage open

d) the mess Woodstock left on the table (and I don't mean birdcrumbs!)

e) the mess Snoopy left everywhere else (Did YOU see anybody take that poor dog for a walk?)

I can just imagine the conversation.

"Errr..... Uhmmm... Son?"

"Yes Dad?"

"Uh... well... can you explain just WHY Mom's good china is covering a ping-pong table in the backyard?" 

"Uhhh... well..."

"Or just for what reason I am finding a bunch of kids roaming the backyard with Toast and Jelly Beans?"

"Ahh.... well it's like this Dad, Peppermint Patty..."

"Oh don't tell me about that candy you bought at the store! Have you looked at the kitchen?!"

"No.  But Grandma said..."

"Oh right, that other problem.    Do you KNOW how long I've been on the phone with the police and the other parents?    NOBODY TOLD THEIR PARENTS WHERE THEY WENT!   There is a search warranty for all your little friends.   They were about to be put on milk box cartons!"

"But Grandma..."

"Look, I like Grandma, she's a nice lady.   But she's senile now.    She promised you turkey and cranberry.   What did she feed you?"

"Maple leaf 'Flakes of Ham' and some Fruit Rollups..."

"Ok ... so we have senile lady, a bunch of kids probably kidnapped, a house almost condemned.   For what reason?"

"Thanksgiving Dad."

"Right Thanksgiving, again we get to the 'senile old Lady part'.   Where do we live Mr. Charlie Brown?"

"Well Ottawa Dad, we moved last year..."

"Right now, What is todays date?"

"September 4th."

".... And if you look at the calendar when is Thanksgiving?"

"...well.... ummmm....ummmm..... Not today?"

"Good.  We're on the same foot.    Now go get the broom and doggy bag and start cleaning up before your mother sees this.   She's going to have a conniption!"

Sorry to Mr. Townsend and Mr. Daltry of the Who.  Their version was WAAAAAY better.

Sql servers going d-down (Talkin' 'bout my replication)
Data's droppin' on the ground (Talkin' 'bout my replication)
Stripe set in there's gettin' old (Talkin' 'bout my replication)
Stupid tech was pretty bold (Talkin' 'bout my replication)

I need my replication
I need my replication dummy

I think I'm gonna ph-phreak out (Talkin' 'bout my replication)
My b-boss caught me cheapin a-a-away (Talkin' 'bout my replication)
Trying to avoid file, re-re-recreation (Talkin' 'bout my replication)
I'm just tryin' to setup re-re-replication (Talkin' 'bout my replication)

Gimme replication
Gimme replication or shoot me

My email systems goin' down (Talkin' 'bout my replication)
A little more uptime's all I n-n-need (Talkin' 'bout my replication)
Mail queues can't handle this log g-g-generation (Talkin' 'bout my replication)
I need to enable my re-re-replication (Talkin' 'bout my replication)

That damn replication
That damn replication could save me

The IIS and AD are blown away (Talkin' 'bout my replication)
Mirror them, dupe them, save my day (Talkin' 'bout my replication)
My boss looks at me so c-c-cold (Talkin' 'bout my replication)
I think the company will probably fold (Talkin' 'bout my replication)

I should've used replication
I didn't and now I fired.

I had the opportunity to watch the old cartoon series from the late 60's for "Spiderman" on TV.   It was interesting to see it again.

But there suddenly occurred to me a few problems.   Inconsistencies.

Problems with Mister Stan Lee's universe.   I must shake my head in disgust.  

Shame on you sir.   With such advanced technology in the 60's they should have done so much better.

I watched the show.   Did anybody notice that Spiderman seems to swing through the air with no apparent attachment to buildings?   There are buildings behind him when swinging but all MUCH lower than the height is swinging.   Oh sure, I'm certain there were always buildings handy.  But i don't think they were there when he was swinging from roofs.  Maybe the moon.   The odd frozen cloud.  But not buildings.

Now then there is the problem of all that damn web floating about in his front yard.    Oh you didn't notice?  He jumps out the window, shoots a blob of web on the tree and swings away.

Now if Aunt May is NOT supposed to know about his secret identity.   What is she thinking about those dratted 6 foot tall giant spiders leaving web all over the trees in her front yard.

I thought she had a bad heart.   Don't giant 6 foot tall spiders scare the jeebies out of her?!

And does she have to get Peter to clean up?   And just HOW does he explain the inability to ever SEE these monsters?

Shame shame Peter Parker. 

And I thought he was poor?  I'm a geek.   I know what it's like to want to buy stuff you can't afford.   How the blankety blank could he afford the chemical doo dads he needed to constantly have "throwaway" web and make "electricity draining web" EVERY DAY?

And then of course there's the whole environmental factor.

HUH?

Oh you forgot?  Mr "environmentally friendly neighbourhood" Spiderman has probably left a small ton of probably Chemically hazardous web all over the city.   Some of it in residential neighbourhoods.   What about the children?

Spiderman might be a hero, but he needs to learn a LOT about cleaning up after himself.

Then of course there's this whole J. Jonah Jameson issue.   In the modern day, his blatant yelling and hatred.   I think present day he would have been drawn before several judges.   The Daily Bugle would have been bankrupt very quickly with his antics.

Then of course there are some issues at the end of the show.   Did you notice that Mr. Spiderman guy swings off on one thread, seeming attached to nothing, that goes further and further and further down the distance.    Must be hanging off a friendly floating 747 I thinks.

Yes fun as it is to watch Spiderman, I think they should re think the drawing and the artwork and get a grip on reality.

Shame on you Stan Lee.  Shame on you.

I still like Spiderman tho... :)

From the Beatles tune.  "All you need is love"  - I'm so sorry about this!

For Exchange weenies - REALLY overly done Exchange weenies. "All you need is RUS"

Mail, Mail, Mail, Mail, Mail, Mail, Mail, Mail, Mail
You need to see what is or isn't done
Nothing should be seen if you're number one
Exchange Enterprise seems all out of sort
It's easy

Mail's just not flowing when it should
SMTP's are where they shouldn't be
It seems all out of sorts but the problems simple to kill
So easy

All you need is RUS, All you need is RUS
All you need is RUS, RUS, RUS is all you need.
Mail, Mail, Mail, Mail, Mail, Mail, Mail, Mail, Mail
All you need is RUS, All you need is RUS
All you need is RUS, RUS, RUS is all you need.

Replication seems all out of whack
Something says to take another crack
Crank up monitoring in those nasty event logs
Makes you queasy

All you need is RUS, All you need is RUS
All you need is RUS, RUS, RUS is all you need.
All you need is RUS (Get some Coffee now!)
All you need is RUS (THE SA's down!)
All you need is RUS, RUS, RUS is all you need

Fun things to do while waiting – especially in an open “Continental Breakfast”

Grab coffees from participants claiming “food poisoning problem”

Sit down in the middle of the area and chant meditation chants.

Trip unsuspecting passerby

Get some badges on, pretend to be somebody important.   Start confiscating luggage, laptops, cell phones, WHATEVER.

Find the light switches and create a large “strobe effect” in the waiting area.

Find where the PA controls are.   In the loudest most impressive voice announce “ATTENTION KMART SHOPPERS!  WE HAVE A BLUE LIGHT SPECIAL ON COFFEE IN THE MAIN FOYER”

Grab a decent selection of Danishes and practice juggling.  Each time you goof, get more cinnamon buns and Danishes.

Get a super soaker, load it with coffee.   HOT coffee, find targets.

Begin tying people’s shoes together.    Get creative and try tying TWO people together.    Three if you’re really the adventurous type.

Learn the imitate the fire alarm while you’re waiting.   Get good at it.  Now try it.

Organize a game of hide and seek.  Why not? 

See if you can jack up the water pressure in the bathrooms.   Make it a really good “power flush” for somebody.

Start sampling other people’s breakfast.   I mean they didn’t PAY for it so you could right?

Try doing the “pull the tablecloth off the table” magic trick.   There’s a few tables to work with so if you fail the first time…

See how many laptops you can “inadvertently” walk off with.

Learn how to walk on your hands.  You’ll need it after sitting down for so long.

Get a Laser pointer out and see if you can cheese off a few people with that little red light.

Make paper airplanes out of the provided material and launch them into the crowd.

Start a food fight.  After all there is plenty of material.

Failing that?  Just be a little patient.

So you’ve got a new laptop.   It’s got more power than you could ever have dreamed.   It can do your work before you start.   It can juggle numbers better than a Circus clown.

You’ve loaded up all the apps, tweaked the be doobies out of the O/S and customized the desktop to make it look the way you want.

So now what?

Now that you’ve done everything inside, what to do outside?

Well folks.

You need to “pimp” that ride.  That’s right.   External decoration is just as important as internal decoration.

Just like on a car, those stickers and paint can really speed it up.

Know that last pile of seminars you’ve been to?    All those stickers you’ve collected?   All of the paraphernalia?

Well now you’ve got a use for it!

That brand spanking new $6,000 laptop just isn’t right without some 74 cent stickers plastering the surface.    It really IS needed.

And don’t just bother with those crappy “Laser Printed” so called “high quality” photographic ones.

Nope.

You need to make your own to REALLY make the grade.

So break out that ink jet printer (Dot Matrix is better for that classic look).   Markers if you can.   Maybe some crayons?   

Got any Duct tape?   Give that over priced puppy the “Red Green Handyman” look.  Find some old horns from a mask.   Glue it to the top.

Get some more flashy lights, cover it end to end.

Spray paint!  Trem-clad!  Rollers!  Cover that sucker with a big Jolly Roger.

Make it YOUR laptop.

Walk into work proudly with that beast.

Unless of course it was the company laptop.  In which case…

Sorry.

Technet Security Tour - Toronto

The sirens are going off, alarms and klaxons are sounding.  I can tell there is only place I can possibly be right now.

The TechNet Security Tour.   Present and final stop.   Toronto. 

*Shudder*

Legions or large angry dogs guard the gates as I enter.   I make sure to flash my "Funny Fridays" badge at them but they don’t care.  I am an intruder in their secure zone.   I hastily reach into my Ogio laptop bag for assistance.

“Milk-Bones”.  

I shake off “Why would I be carrying these in my bag?” and toss them to the brutes.

The milk bones seem to hit the spot for them and they back off.   I stumble along.

At the check in desk I can see throngs of volunteers shackled to the desk.   They all appear unshaven (even the women) and do not appear to have eaten in weeks.  They glance at my form.    They are unsure what to do.

A large burly person wearing Microsoft insignia rumbles over.   “This was printed on a dot-matrix printer, this is not acceptable.  There is a smudge on the UPC code.”

I glance and sure enough he’s right.     What was I thinking?!

I try to come up with an alternate solution which involved me trying to impress them with my “Community Team” shirt and fancy homemade nametags;  but much like the dogs before them, nobody is impressed.   I find some Jerky in the laptop bag and chuck it behind the counter.     

That seems to work as they all dive on the only piece of food they have seen in a while.   As the blowout goes on, I go in.   I make sure to grab my form off the counter to fill out 11’s in all the spots.    They want high ratings?   I’ll do high ratings.     1 is bad 9 is good.   So what’s 11?

I look to the side and see a small booth.  It appears to be a bathroom.   I look up while using the facilities and notice a camera and TV.    I think to myself “Nice touch” then realize afterwards it was a camera booth.   Hope nobody minds the mess.

I wander to the feeding area.   “Continental Breakfast”.   Sounds pretty impressive.   I glance and all I can see is coffee and donuts.   And strangely very little of that.  Odd.  I’m early too.

I begin to wander about.   For a security tour, there is a surprising lack there of.    I check back around back hallways and back bathrooms.   I slip into the auditorium early.  I hear voices.   Voices from behind the curtain.

It’s Rick and Rodney.   I’ve now discovered the apparent lack of snackie foods.   They’ve been diverting all the food carts.     What an odd sight.  

They are sitting at the back with slave girls peeling them grapes and pouring heaping cups of Tim Horton’s coffee.

I snap a picture.   I will remember this for later.   This could come in handy.

Strangely I do not see Damir anywhere.   And then the truth dawns on me.

The front room volunteers MUST have eaten Damir due to the lack of food.   Things must have been worse for them that I thought.

I return back to the “Continental Breakfast” area and shovel what munchies I can find into my laptop bag.   This will be needed later as it’s going to be a long day.    And they’re not likely to feed us.   I walk off with three spare jugs of orange juice.   

The staff and people about look confused as I do this.  

“Getting over the cold.”  I explain.  I see much nodding afterwards in agreement.

We await for the sessions to begin.   There is no seating outside and fights over appropriate “standing locations” begin.   There are people hiding behind the “Ask the Experts” counter for protection.    I find a small unused cubicle in a bathroom and lock myself in for safety.

The throngs and the hoards begin to build at the top of the stairs.   “Let us in!  Let us in!”  A few passerby are thrown over the edge to appease the Lords of Microsoft.   It is not helping.

Others are hang dropping from the top of the escalator to kill time.   Some survive, some don’t.  The rest don’t care.

9:10.  At last!   They finally open the doors to allow us some breathing space and let us enter the auditorium.    Again a new batch of fights ensues over who gets to sit in the front row.    This is a result of the one time when the microphones failed.     Hearing distance is important.   Like a herd of elephants, the crowd tramples downstairs.

We are waiting in the moment.   The Lords are hiding backstage.   They try to appease the audience with a boring TV show on the projection screen.  There is minimal sound and no special effects.   They are not amused.

John is standing on the stage keeping all hell organized.   The crowd’s chanting and grumbling becomes incessant.   Like a cobra he strikes.   In fell swoop he stares them all down and it returns to a much more subdued bunch.

9:30 Security Fundamentals Session 1

They appear on stage.   Rodney bursts out in his dancing shoes while Rick sits there recovering from an overdose on “Full Throttle”.   He is also busy trying to hack away at Rodney’s password.      They have reminded us of how stupid most humans are and why your expenses need to be submitted BEFORE you take a picture of the accountant’s desk.   They are busy debating on methods to disable the UAC when Rick comes out with an Axe an attacks Rodney for such a silly suggestion.    Rick is cringing every time he hears that phrase.   “Disable UAC?!  I’ll work on a Mac before I allow THAT to happen!”   Rick begins roaming the stage with a hot glue gun sealing up all the USB ports while Rodney frantically tries to stop him.   Soon they boot the audience out while they clean up the mess on the stage.

10:30 The bathrooms begin overflowing and a new battle begins.   The ability to stop the toilets from overflowing.  It seems an early participant was busy playing with water pressure before the seminar.   Ironically they would need to speak with security about this.

10:45 Securing your Core Infrastructure Session 2

Rodney seems perplexed that he is missing his “Full Throttle”.   However it is explained to him clearly later on that all the Full Throttles missing a tab clearly belong to Rick.   The shakes on Rick are getting worse as he quickly chugs down Rodney’s “Full Throttle”.    They go quickly on setting up Policies and Firewalls to torture hapless users downloading music.   They also go quickly into the “Pay per Use” policy they are planning to implement on anybody wanting internet access inside Microsoft.   Apparently they have outdone security.   We also discover the vast MP3 collection Rodney has been storing on the Microsoft servers.   John is seen in the wings ready to strike now that this new truth has been discovered.     Rodney also proudly stands in front of his most impressive photo shot yet.   A giant twelve foot onion.   The audience falls back in horror of it.

12:15 As Rodney mentions the words lunch and Rick grabs his Tilley hat protectively, a new stampede forms.    Halfway during this the escalators have been shut down to slow the barrage to a crawl but it fails.   People scream as they are trapped halfway up the escalator.  Many are trampled to death in the attempt to get a free cardboard box with a chocolate brownie inside.   Strangely some of the brownies have been eaten.    Many suspect it was that Rodney and Rick hiding them in the back again.    A Coca Cola fight ensues soon as one attendant found a box that contained an actual sandwich.    Security by this point, has given up the battle.

13:00 Securing the Application Platform Session 3

Rodney returns back to the stage, in true security form for the security tour; he is now armed with fully loaded AK-47’s.    The audience quivers in terror as to may happen next.    Rodney wanders to the open forum and casually picks off some spotlights.    He bursts out and explains how everybody is going to use SharePoint whether they want to or not.    Yelling wildly screaming “Encryption encryption” he looks about to see if anybody knows the difference between a SQL server and a Squirrel.    To the side Rick appears later after beating on various participants over the head with his video camera.   Lord John has run off quickly before the nightmare concludes.  He goes while the getting is good.

14:30 Questions Session 4

Rodney stands on the stage grossing the audience out with shoe stories, while Rick stands here pointing at people.

A gentleman politely stands up asking about SQL and reporting but as the question begins to form….

“Nein! Nein! No! Not good qvestion!  Sit down!  Next question! Take him away!” The staff drag him off kicking and screaming from the auditorium.

As more questions pop up, the drone continues on.    More and more participants are dragged off in shackles.

They look at each other and grin.  “Good.   We now have volunteers for Energize IT 2008.   There.  More money in our budget for Xbox360 games.   John will be pleased.”

15:00 Spitball fight – session 5

Due to reasons beyond the writer’s control the unplanned free-for-all spitball fight did not happen.   Apparently physical local security staff (as opposed to the computer type) had a small problem with this going on.

Overall the Security tour was interesting other than the high body count.  I for one was certainly glad I was there.

Ugh.

The common cold.    You get it.   It hits you. 

One word.

Yuck!

I'm sitting here trapped helpless against my will, a mighty human.  Knocked over and controlled by the smallest germ.

I've sat her popping my ears, blowing my nose, pulling out and washing my eyeballs.

All in all, not fun.

I've already pulled out my emergency rations of Chicken Soup, eaten up all the crackers in the house, and banned my family from the couch.

I am so deeply wrapped in blankets I now look like a large fuzzy crocheted slug trapped in the living room.

The dog is afraid to go near me, the cats look up question whether this large ugly caterpillar will turn into something fun to bat about.

I lay about helpless as my head feels very much akin to a car trapped inside the confines of a metal crusher.  

My legs lay about wondering why the sensation of a dozen small leprechauns are beating on them.

The dryness in my throat has me wondering if it's possible to drain Niagara falls itself clear of water or whether this current session will go away when I cough next.

Each time I sneeze I am certain another few points on the Richter scale are being set to new heights.  I dread each time thinking my brain will actually explode afterwards.

The blessed hot piping Lemon flavoured medicine sits there calling my name.  I must finish my thoughts first; by the yellow temptress.   

The scent pulls me over beckoning me.   The lemon cuts through my senses and awakens me partially.   I ooze over to the cup.   The first sip bites into me.  It awakens the brain.

Each successive sip pours over my lips, my throat repulses at the lemony bile.   But welcoming it at the same time.  Soon the cup is empty.  

My eyes feel as if weighed down by bricks.   Sleep beckons.  It drags me in.  

Soon.... soon... I fall asleep.  I dream of waking.  Waking and breathing.

Of sunshine, clouds and birds.

And no stuffed noses.