Now that we have your attention I have this absolutely amazing deal to tell you about, it involves your bank account, my ten trillion dollars and the Brooklin Bridge.  Interested?

Ahhh...  Too bad you already gave it to me, I WAS going to let you in a little wisdom today but since I have the "goods" I'll be off now.

-----

No matter, here is a little wisdom I have learned in life (mostly the hard way since I am sort of like the absent-minded professor)

Take it with a grain of salt, a bottle of ketchup or just ignore it.  But here's a few things I have learned and maybe it will save somebody else problems in the future.

When they say "pay now", with that big letter in bold black lettering with the words important on it;  Sometimes it isn't a piece of junk mail and it really does mean "pay now"

When your dog is making a little dance in front of the back door, it usually is a very good idea to take note of that little dance and deal with it.

Funny noises in cars and not something to laugh at.  Although if you enjoy laughing at them eventually you will find others laughing at you.  Especially mechanics.

When you are trying to light a campfire and you are lacking lighter fluid, gasoline is an excellent substitute.   But use is small controlled amounts.   Say about a gallon or so.

Never store lots of AA batteries and change in your pocket.   Let's just say it's a good idea for Winter and REALLY bad idea for summer.

Just because you are twenty one does NOT mean you can tell your Dad how things are going to be in his house.   Last time I checked, he's paying the bills; you're eating all the food.

Visa cards are not a toy and must be used carefully.  Unless you're trying to unlock an old door in an office somebody lost the key for.   In which case it's completely ok.

Just because the car has a "synthesized voice" and "digital dash" does NOT make it K.I.T.T. from Knight Rider.   It will also probably drive worse than a VW Rabbit Diesel.   It will most likely have a tendency to chomp on 5 speed transmissions for a snack.

Getting shelving to sort out the basement or garage is an excellent idea.  But once you have it, you WILL fill it, and the floor, and the stairs, and the bedroom...

Washing eggs off a window really sucks.  Especially after a few months.

Gerbils and Hamsters LOVE to eat shirts.    Let's just leave it at that.

You didn't get any chocolate cookies because you didn't go in the cupboard and eat any.  Don't start a family feud over it.  It didn't resolve any problems and that's all.

Bugging a major corporation with approximately two thousand resumes over a three month period will probably produce results.   Get ready to go when they call.

Beer will freeze and explode in a freezer when left too long.   The defrosted beer (if it doesn't explode) is REALLY strong.   Wine also shatters when left too long in the freezer.  Coca-Cola just explodes all over the place.  It's sticky too.

The best way to clear a gas broiler of cockroaches in a fast food restaurant is with a hose and hot water.   The WORST way to clear a gas broiler that does NOT have cockroaches is with a hose and hot water.    If you get caught you will get IN hot water.

Having your coffee break in the office while tapping your foot on the safe will set off the silent alarm system and the police will have no sense of humour.

Filling a bathroom with pure bleach will make it smell perfect and clear out ALL the bad smell.   Unfortunately the restaurant will smell like a swimming pool for about two hours.

It is possible to walk six miles in dress shoes during a transit strike.  Maybe not COMFORTABLY but possible.

Not every technician who says he knows how to wire a lan cable does.   Not every customer knows they don't.   Rule one: Bad technicians lie all the time.

Cat claws are really sharp.   Playing "paw" with the cat is fun.   Until the cat wins that is.  Wear gloves.

Rabbits can kick really hard.   Hard enough to knock over a sixteen year old.

Squirrels are fun, in small numbers.   Gathering an army while you're sitting down eating lunch is a bit scary.   Learning squirrel chirps may freak out people.

It is surprisingly easy to imitate the beepers in restaurants.   However it is only funny once.  ONCE!

It is also amazing the trouble a single hamburger in a dumpster enclosure can cause.

It is also amazing how MANY seagulls you can attract with a single hamburger thrown across a parking lot.

A fluorescent light tossed from a roof can sound a lot like a shotgun if it hits the ground the right way.

Juggling eggs is fun.  Dropping them isn't.

That mysterious button you never could figure out for your life in your car?   You CAN convince young children it controls an ejector seat if they mis-behave.  It will however only work for about one drive.

and FINALLY

When you go camping on your first vacation in ten years, make SURE you pack the poles for the tent.  The local store will have altered that model and there is no way to just "Borrow the poles" from the kit.  It will be an expensive boo-boo.

Oh why not?  We've all thought of it ... (I have)

Jell-o is the most vile horrid thing on the planet.  Next to peas that is.   OH and DON'T forgot Sweet potatoes.

Just imagine Jell-o full of peas and Sweet Potatoes and you have ONE SCARY COMBINATION.  

Each and every day as a child my mother would feed us Jell-o.   Jell-o for breakfast.  Jell-o for Lunch.  Jell-o for dinner.    Nobody could ever find as many ways to prepare that vile substance.    Just because she worked at the "Jell-O" factory all those years as a child.

But so many different ways, bad and worse.   She found them all! 

Jell-o with bacon.  Jell-o on toast.   Jell-o and bran.  Jell-o on coffee.  Fried Jell-o.

Jell-o sandwiches.   Jell-o in my juice box.  Jell-o sliced up neatly like cranberries.

Jell-o flambe.   Turkey stuffed with Jell-o.  Mashed Jell-o.    Scalloped Jell-o.  BAKED Jell-o! AIGH!

The nightmare continued!  For what did she do with all those BOXES from Jell-o?

Blankets of Jell-o, covers of Jell-o.  Knee patches of Jell-o!   Throw pillows and couches covered in Jell-o.

A "welcome" mat made out of Jell-o.   Coffee coasters from Jell-o!  She was a madman!

Did you know I was the only kid on my graduation who had a three piece suit made from Jell-o boxes?!

Oh it was horrible!

Jell-o is good for some industrial things I found out.   Mom would always manage to get rid of all those little squeaks with Jell-o.   Our house always had that vile fruity smell because of it.

When other kids would have their bicycle stick and THEIR parents would pop a little oil on it?  NOT ME!

My mother would be out there in her gelatinized glory covering the chains and the gears of my bicycle in Jell-o.   I'd never had so many stings on my legs from bees or had so many roaming cats following me.

I looked like the pied-piper.

While other kids had hockey cards for that motorcycle sound in their spokes, my trusty mother would pull out her ever ready pile of Jell-o boxes.   I still remember how badly damaged my spokes were afterwards.

Other kids would have snowball fights, but I wasn't allowed in them.   Nobody likes playing with a kid armed with a barrage of snowball shaped Jell-o.

And so I begin my quest with my Jell-o tipped pen on my pad of paper made from old Jell-o boxes to the world to take up my quest.

Save other children from my fate.

Free the world from Jell-o!

I am sitting here.   It is 4:00am. 

All around the house I can hear silence.   What a strange phrase.  I can "Hear" silence.

But it's true.   When all you hear is nothing that is a special sound all to itself.

I can hear my thoughts as well.   For the first time in ages nobody is asking me anything.  No dragged out debates over who took the good fork.   The battle over the bathroom has not occurred.

There is no comments about why the dog did what it did in the bedroom.   Nobody is smattering about how their new shirt was devoured by an over eager rodent.

And for a few moments nobody is yelling at me to pick up that shirt I really should not have left in the middle of the kitchen.   For whatever reason I did that.

But there are other noises I am not hearing.

The shouts of joy from someone who has finally gotten pulled off and passed a test they studied all night for.

The cries of victory from the heat of battle during a heavy online game.  

The sound of laughter during playtime outside.   The simple sounds of my spouse saying "Hello" to me as I walk in the door.

The sounds of life.

And it is at that point I sit down and think, think for a good long time.  How empty and useless my life would be if it were not for them.   For the good times and the bad, they are my family.  I would be incomplete without them.

I see people, peers, men and women I look up to.   They are only having children in life much later than I ever started.  Should I have concentrated on my career?   Should I have saved up money instead?   Should I have bought a house first?

But then I think of the good times and the bad from our lives so far.   Would I have changed it?   Would I have have given up even ONE of my children's lives to be further than I am?

NO

The answer bursts from my lips.  It is without hesitation, it is without fear.   I would rethink some decisions I made, many errors in life.   But the tapestry is so tightly wound that I think to myself.  

I would not have changed anything in that respect.

But that little voice cries out "RICHES!  You could have had RICHES and WEALTH!"

I think about my children, sleeping peacefully upstairs.   My spouse quietly laying down.

I realize for the first time.

And it is then that I realize, or maybe an epiphany has hit me finally.

I am the richest person in the world.  

I have what movie stars aspire to have, some of the richest people in the world don't have.

I have a family and no amount of money, no diamonds, stock, riches, fame.

Nothing can ever buy that.

And so I make myself a glass of warm milk, have a cookie and quietly go back upstairs.   I lay down for a few minutes and doze off.   Work will call in a short while.    The day will begin crying me back to battle.  

But for the moment I will enjoy my quiet serenity as I do everyday.   I will use it to carry me forward to push myself each and every day.   I will take the worst from everyone and I will listen to everyone else complain without fail.

When the fires burst loose from the customer and that little voice says "Tell them off" I will think twice.

I will not give up in my endeavors each and everyday for one reason.

My family.

It's slowed down a bit nowadays, but this is is EVERY computer guy's nightmare!

An exceprt from "Four on the Floor" from the Frantics

Well now.  Some of us may NOT have registered for the security tour but need to know the information there! 

Sure it's free, oh but who HAS the TIME to fill out ALL those ONLINE forms and try to be witty while you're at it!

Webcasts!  PAH!  Who has time for Webcasts!  

You want in there now!  And I have taken up the task to make sure you CAN do it!  It's easy and it's FUN!

Disguise.

Go through whatever "Value Village" or "Goodwill" to find any  shirts that might possibly have Microsoft or Important insignia on them.   Dress properly like a geek.   Get some cheap plastic stuff from Kmart and make an official looking ID.  Flash it quickly and walk in like you own the place.

Distractions.

Did you know all those helpers are usually starved for days on end?  Most of them, (if they're LUCKY!) get to have a small mostly moist sponge to drink from.   If you were to walk into the lobby with a large box of say, oh I don't know, "Timbits" and "casually trip and spill the contents" I'll bet any amount you wouldn't find even ONE security guard or helper who would sit still.   Just be prepared to dodge the large mob as they dive for the first food they've seen in weeks!

Brute Force.

You know that we all have friends in "low places".   Just find a few of them, get them liquored up and have them charge madly through the crowd.  Just slip in through the chaos.

Penguins.

Rent a small mob of penguins from the local zoo.  Turn them loose.  It may be considered a Linux infestation.   Between the hammers and gunfire you could "help" quash the problem and accidentally end up inside.

Early to Rise

Get up earlier than everybody at Microsoft.   Rumor has it that nobody there wakes up any earlier than 7:00am.   So arrive at  the location "with the birds" (or penguins if you like) and slip in with the regular staff.  You may have to snooze in a bathroom for a while but you most definitely will find a really good seat.

Schmooze

Find some of those nice friendly people at Microsoft.   Carry a few bribes.  I've heard the Canadian members will go "ga-ga" over a nice coffee.  The Americans should like a nice steak.   Careful, this could be expensive.

Or I guess you could just spend the two minutes and register online.   Not quite as exciting but probably more efficient.

"We have a problem here." mumbles a distraught Rick.

Quietly Damir and Rodney look up from the table. "Huh?" they quietly offer.

"A problem. You know what I'm talking about." He's shaking his head madly.

"What now.  What did we do now?" Damir looks puzzled.  No virtualization attacks.  No random oddballs wandering the office.

All in all.  Normal.   Actually Rick was right. TOO normal.

Barnaby was happily doing his little thing.    The IT Managers were all getting ready and prepped for tours.   And he was loading up his utility belts with the largest plethora of cameras ever assorted.   Ready for action.   The Batman of Cameras was prepped for anything.

Ruth was examining piles of articles discussing with John and Kerri various ways of dealing with managing IT environments and staff.   That and feeding the odd squirrel that was running under the table.

Really, nothing to worry about.  So why was Rick worrying?

"It's my phone data plan, it.... oh I can't believe it.  How did I let this happen?!"

Rodney looks up.  "Oh no, you didn't, you couldn't have!"

Rick looks up sobbing.  "I.... I... I turned on the 'Full Sync' on my mobile phone on the 'Sean-Stuff' folder.  I was bored, I was curious.  Oh God..."

They suddenly realize the whole problem.    Mr. Trouble, all of his emails dumped onto a helpless Mobile 6 phone. NOTHING on this planet could have been prepared for that onslaught!

Well I mean, it was a mistake.   Data plans overloads happen.    It could be dealt with.

"So you downloaded about one gig of crap, we'll bill the little bastard and teach him a lesson.  Maybe cover his little Geo with donuts."

Rick grinned.  That seemed to cheer him up, but not enough.  "That's not the worst.  After the phone cooled down I was playing with some new beta firmware and..."

"...and what Rick?" John seemed keenly interested in the conversation now.

"It forwarded the folder, the ENTIRE contents of the folder to..." Rick was hesitating now.

"...forwarded the contents to..." John was loaded with stare power, ready to strike like a cobra.

"Everyone." Rick finally finished.

It didn't quite sink in.

Rodney dropped his bowl of poutine.  "Just exactly who is ... 'Everyone' Rick?"

"Well...you know the Global Address List?  The BIG Global Address List?"

"The MICROSOFT CORPORATION ADDRESS BOOK?!" All eyes lit up in panic.

"Mmmmhmmm... that one." Rick nodded sadly.

"Just when did this happen Rick?" John cautiously removed his phone to look.

"About ninety seconds ago, just when I said 'We have a problem here'" Rick cautiously backed away.

And soon the panic began.   The internal flood of mail, unrestricted "Funny Friday" content, un-edited jibjab.com videos flowed to every mailbox.   Screams of terror as phones overheated and CRT's popped.    Laptops screamed in agony.    Exchange 2007 servers from Redmond shouted out in terror as the FrontBridge systems cried in agony.

Everybody looked down at Rick.   Frazzled hair.   Smoke began to clear.

"Ooops."

I've sat down and realized we all have to make decisions.   Decisions can be fun.  Decisions can be hard.   Heck they can the bulk of all stressful situations.

But how to make them?

I mean you COULD if you HAD sit down, figure out the advantages and/or disadvantages of a particular decisions, weigh in particular criteria and maybe even possibly factor in a few more smatterings as needed.

But who NEEDS all of that?   There are much better ways to figure out the answer. 

Here's a few I prefer.

Juggling decisions

I find this is a more interesting approach.   Wrap each decision around an egg.  Practice juggling.  Be very careful as this method is not all it's cracked up to be.

Bouncing the ideas around. 

Many people look down as this being a silly method.   But I melt those decisions down with a little "IndianRubber" the thought process really gets cooking.   Unfortunately there is a large breakage process involved.   Especially if you are juggling decisions at the same time.

Shooting ideas out.

Now this is a very dangerous idea.  Especially if you starting shooting out to a crowd. DO NOT WRAP YOUR IDEAS around sharp objects. It could become a small problem for people trying to catch on to those thoughts and help you out.

Mulling it over

Chewing on the thought is always a good approach.  If you're trying to decide on who to hire or not, Chewing on potential employees could be a legal issue.  Be careful on this one.

Banging the ideas out

Problem with this is when you're banging the ideas on a glass surface.  the process tends to get your thoughts shattered.  And the table.

Ask the "Man on the Street"

Yes I prefer that approach.  Find somebody to bounce the idea off on.  A person, any person.  Preferably a stranger.  Sometimes the stranger the better.  The more unbalanced they are the better.   You can get a really 'reflected' opinion that way.   The best result is somebody who's finished a real loopy night of drinking.

The results can be interesting.  

Just be careful on how you make your final decision.  Sometimes a night of heavy drinking combined with juggling eggs, bouncing Indian rubber balls at an open crowd while chewing on the ideas on question while smacking them about on glass tables MIGHT just yield the answer.

Or more often, it will yield a big hangover and night in jail.  

It's your choice, so choose carefully.

Fade the office.  A dark lit room.    Smoke fills the area.  The BigBossMan is across the table from the Recruiter.   They are deep in discussion.   A scent fills the air.   It is the scent of disgust.

BBM: "So you've finally sat down and gotten out of this new fellow what he wants for benefits.   Good.  He's been wasting my time this week horribly."

RE: "Well we have, but you're not going to be happy."

BBM: "Pphpttt.  I've had bad.   I've negotiated and dealt with the worst of them all.    Those Canadians are the worst I tell you.  Every one of them, every SINGLE one of them - 'Poutine for breakfast and a toque - a GOLD PLATED toque'.   Greedy little pests."

RE: "Then on one front you'll be pleased.   Today we offer you a different challenge.   An American whose been in Canada most of his life... A...."

BBM: "Aw crap.  Not one of those 'Hybrid Canadians'.   They're the worst on gas if you ask me.  Every time I turn about they curse and swear like a New Yorker and let loose gas like the worst bar patron in Montreal.   Nuts.   Fine.  Let's see the offer sheet."

RE: "Are you sure?   This one is a little... unusual."

BBM: "Unusual?   Have you ever seen what the FrontBridge bunch requested when THEY joined us?   I'll tell you about unusual!   You should have SEEN their list!"

RE: "Funny you should mention FrontBridge..."

BBM: "Oh no.  No.   What does this one want?!"

RE: "I'll let you look at the sheet."

A pause.  A looooong pause and then...

The paper begins to slowly stretch apart in the hands like 'Silly Putty' as red builds up in his face.

BBM: "*Cough*.  Am I READING this correctly?"

RE: "Yes." the answer comes back nervously.

BBM: "Let's see if I am reading this right or lunch has decided to produce a new vision.   'Peeled Grapes laid out in shape of Dodecahedrons, Chauffeur driven from his desk to the bathroom, Gold plated 18karat pens, A laptop with his named etched out in Lasers?!'

RE: "Well, we did think some of it was a bit over the top."

BBM: "...Courier delivered Burger King whoppers with the seeds pulled off,  A 1985 Mercedes 300SDL, A Kaltron digital watch..."

Steam is starting flow from his neck.

RE: "Ah well that's the least, you haven't read 'The Clause'."

BBM: "WHAT CLAUSE?!  I'm looking at the CHRISTMAS LIST FROM HELL!  A SIGNED AUTOGRAPHED PICTURE FROM STEVE BALLMER WITH LOVE?!!  LUNCH WITH BILL GATES?!?!?!? And who gave him the idea we could or WOULD let him see Jack Tramiel?!   I don't even KNOW who Jack Tramiel is!!!!"

RE: "Well sir he's the former founder of Commodore computers and..."

BBM: "I DON'T CARE IF HE'S THE KING OF JAPAN!!!!   WHERE the #@$##@$@# is this !#$!^%$!@# Clause?!"

RE: "It's on the border... here let me show you..."

pause...

BBM: "This 'Floral' crap SURROUNDING this other pile of nightmarish goody doo doo whatnot.... THIS?!"

RE: "Use this magnifying glass."

BBM: "Oh give me a b....."

The BigBossMan begins to convulse.

BBM: "Who wrote THIS?!"

RE: "Well you see, he used to work for lawyers, one of them owed him a favor so..."

BBM: "I can't get this!  This is just impossible!"

RE: "...But it would benefit everybody...It seemed reasonable to me..."

BBM: "World Peace!  He wants 'World Peace' as a benefit?!"

RE: "Well there was something about that would probably enhance the stability of the World Economy and thus his job..."

BBM: "He's NUTS!!!"

RE: "Why don't you want it?"

BBM: "Well of course it would be nice to have but ... Oh good grief...  What's the base salary this nut is getting?"

RE: "Uhhh... standard starting rate.  53 dollars per annum and a chocolate chip cookie."

The red is building again.

BBM: "You know what I'm going to do?   This will teach this little #$#@.  I'm going to send THIS to the 'Steve guy' and 'Bill  guy' and let THEM see what kind of idiot we're dealing with here.    Who does he think he is?!"

RE: "Hmm.... according the dossier here, he says he does 'Funny Fridays'.  It MUST be a joke."

BBM: "Well I'm calling his bluff. 'World peace' indeed!  I'll show him what we do to people who mock OUR negotiation system!  Funny Fridays huh?   I'll give him a Funny right up his Friday!"

Email Sent -----

Three minutes later

RE: "So what do 'They' say?"

BBM: "I don't believe this.   'We like his spirit and spunk, hire him now and give him the junk,  We've never laughed so hard, we burned up Bills yard - BG and SB'

BBM: "I give up.  Hire this idiot, get him his goodies and get ME a very large scotch."

RE: "Yes sir.  Right away sir.   Sorry sir."

Change is something we all need to embrace, fear or run from at one time (or many in our lives).  

Sometimes change can go smoothly, and sometimes big pointy spikes come along the road and jab you in the foot.  

For this Funny Friday guy, change may possibly come in a both wonderful and scary way.  A potential move.  

Wonderful, for the job of my dreams if it all goes through (IF IF IF!)

Scary because like so many things in life it costs money to do.   I'm certain we've all had a few of these.

Moves.

What shall I take?   Who shall I take?   Is it worth spending the money to move this box of crap?   Can I fix ANY of this in my car/truck/bicycle/skidoo?   Can I sell most of this off and just not take it?

What will it cost if I do that?

Then you start to look at numbers, time, sleep.  Keeping things going with the present homestead and job while trying to figure out the new yet nonexistent one yet.

Boy this is a doozy!

Should I take a Uhaul?   Truck or Van?   If I tow a trailer will my clutch survive?   What will the car need done to it to survive this journey?   Will it make more sense to spend $2000 on a giant gas guzzling Truck vs my very fuel efficient car?

Should I drive across the border or fare the TransCanada highway.    Where are the gas stations?   Are there ANY gas stations where I am going?

What if my credit won't let me get an apartment?   What if I screw up at the new job and severely ruin myself in doing so?

Will the kids do ok at the new place?   Is there any chance we will all freeze to death?   Will my family run away from me and leave me for dead?

What am I going to do with my pets?   What ones SHOULD I take?   Can I conceivably cook the leftover ones?   Will my family believe the cat ran away but this new meaty fondue was a special meal I cooked up from nowhere?

Could I walk it?   Can I nudge my future employer to pay for some of it if I take a cut in pay?   And could I afford it if I did?

Can I ooze money out of some mystery pot?  Maybe I could auction myself off on eBay!   that could work!

As you can imagine, change;  even a great change that for the long term will improve your life is scary.

I can't imagine ANYBODY has ever had to deal with a move... ;)

So to those who have preceded me.   A cold and frosty if this goes through.   And if not this time I am prepped.

Now I wonder if they still pay for blood donations....

Well you all know that old phrase "When life gives you lemons, make Lemonade"

A positive spin on a bad thing right? 

I'm certain there are OTHER views in this situations.  Let's examine them.

"When life give's you lemons..."

Optimist: "Make Lemonade."
Pessimist: "I hate lemons.  Lemons suck.  I wanted Mandarin ORANGES!!"

"When life gives you rocks..."

Optimist:  "Build a house."
Pessimist: "Find somebody to throw those rocks at!  Who EVER thought that was a good idea for a present should be dropped off an escalator... without stairs!"

"When life gives you roses..."

Optimist: "Enjoy the smell.   Enjoy the beauty."
Pessimist: "AAAAAaHHHHCHOOOOO! Oh who's the idiot?!  Doesn't anybody know about my allergies?!"

"When life gives you rain..."

Optimist: "Dance about in all it's glory."
Pessimist: "AAIHAIGHAIH!  ACID RAIN!  ACID RAIN!  MY CAR!!! MY CAR!!!"

"When life gives you a twist..."

Optimist: "Flow within it's grasp and fly to the end."
Pessimist: "Find me a large pry bar and I'll SHOW that twist who's boss!"

"When life gives you sun..."

Optimist: "Lay down and enjoy the warmth."
PEssimist: "NUTS! I need SPF75 Sunblock!  STAT!  Where's my umbrella?!"

"When you car brakes down..."

Optimist: "Well I'm doing well and these things happen.  Guess I'll call a tow."
Pessimist: "@%#@$#@$#@ Cars suck!  I'm going to sue that mechanic!   Oh it FIGURES these cars ALWAYS break down!"

"when the power goes out..."

Optimist: "You know?  It's kinda nice to hear the silence for change."
Pessimist: "CRAP!  I need to get this email out!  I'll never finish my high SCORE!  Stupid power!  ARRRRGGGH!"

"When life gives you vinegar..."

Optimist: "You know this would go great on some Fish and chips!"
Pessimist: "AAGGGH... PHPHPHHTT... That's not water!!!! GARRGGGLE.   *Spit spit*.    Dumb !#$#$# idiots!"

I think there's more that could be added to this, I'm certain other's could contribute.    Have at it!

Blog addiction

Oh No.  Nobody really wants to admit to a problem.   Some problems are real.  Some are make believe.

And some... well some are just better not spoken of.

But blog addiction.  One of the cruelest, most unspoken of addictions of our time.  How many people out there are writhing in agony from blog

addiction?

How many out there need to tell us just how many Cheerios they ate before that first cup of coffee?

How often do some people need to post about going to the bathroom?  In COLOUR?!

Just how many times should we the normal sane public be subjected to listening to ramblings of an insane monster telling us their addictions to computers?

JUST WHEN WILL IT END?

Not soon I hope.

But it IS something that needs to be dealt with.   And carefully.  For soon society will be brought to it's knees crying as a result of these so-called "bloggers".

How to deal with it.  The greatest experts of our day, a guy named Paul who aligns keyboards for a living; and some other dude who they call "Dworb the fragmaster" has their thoughts on this problem.

Paul: "Well IMHO if these NFG idiots would sit down and just maybe STTOOTO this WBAP!"

<<D*FM>> "NFK!  All you have to say to these nuts is GAL!  AFAIK Nobody reads half the blogs out there.  Why bother?"

Paul: "the Problem is that blogging has become more than a pastime.  For the truly addicted..."

<<D*FM>> "GFY you nutbar.   Nobody who really matters reads blogs.  Blogging is just something to do when you're taking a really good..."

Paul: "Fragmaster.  This is a family discussion and I."

<<D*FM>> "You would rather I discuss what I found on your hard drive last Tuesday.  You really should be careful about what's left behind for 'data recovery'"

Paui "What do you mean 'Data Recovery'.  That was a 750 gig drive I handed to you with full Mil-spec zero fills done on it.   Just WHO is wasting who's time?!"

<<D*FM>> "For the right price I could publish an article online regarding time wasters.   Now for the rest of the people who are curious PAul's Visa card is 45.."

Paul "Yeah, let's get into THAT CRAP Dweeb the Crap Master.   Shall we discuss just how much time you've spent juggling Cheese doodles and spelling your name in Crayons?!  By the way, dog is only spelt with ONE 'G'.  And there is no 'Q' in the word either..."

GVZVZVC... ZZNNFZFZFZFz

Editors note.  It appears our initial thoughts on Blogging have been interrupted by an out of control "slap fight".   We will return to this at a later time when all feels a bit normal.  Or the writer gets a clue as to what to do with writers block.

Now this is just one of those little gems you find in Blockbuster or the local shops most people just look over.     I saw the on this Xbox360 online demos.   My 16 year tried and words were "Freaking Amazing!".

His words were, and I quote.

"If you like racing games but suck at them, this game is for you.  It rocks!"

You see the goal is not to outmaneuver your opponents.  It is it flat out RUN THEM OFF THE ROAD!  Piled high with Rock Tracks from Artists like Billy Talent and Fallout boy while you're flying down the road at 200mph!

I used the love "Destruction Derby" but this game is just astounding!  The graphics, the raw colours and speed as everything LITERALLY flies  by you.   To boot, when you cause those huge God awful accidents?   The game does this wonderful little "pause" to see the ruckus you've caused and created.

And for $30?  It's one of the best purchases I've EVER made for the Xbox360.

Burnout Revenge from Electronic Arts.   Check it out today.

This is just silly ye110wbeard seeing how well this "Twitterfeed" works.  I'm a going to say something on my ":Land of Silly" and see if it goes back to the "Land of Twitter"

This is REALLY cool!

Hello little people, I'd like to thank the academy, Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, The guy that made up Lego and of course the great of inventor of Pepto Bismal....

Thank you, thank you all

And so we see a nice normal day here at Microsoft.   Quiet and polite little line ups in s a typically quite and polite Canadian Cafeteria.

Our hero comes up to the line.   It is lunch time in Canada.   And only one thing goes down well with a Timmie's Coffee.   A hot steaming gooey sticky bowl of Poutine. 

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.........................

"One Poutine Please.".   The anticipation of the desired Canadian treat sits on the tip of the tongue.  Poutine.  It's almost a dirty word (Well half of it at least) but BOY does it taste GOOD.   Heart attack or not.  A Poutine is worth it.  Especially coated in 3 kinds of cheese curds and two gravies... Droooooool.

"We have no Poutine today sir." the attendant responds in a non melodic and almost robotic fashion.

"Hmmm?  Out? That's odd."

"No.  No Poutine.   It's done.   Over.  Unhealthy.  Corporate office has dictated healthy only.   Have a carrot."

"Try again?"

"No more poutine.  Are you not listening?  It's been mandated as unhealthy.   How about a nice piece of celery?"

"Ok now this has gone too far.   You took away the Tim Horton's from inside.  You said that was a 'mixed message' to our American visitors.   You took away wearing Toques on funny hat day because it was declared as an unconstitutional wrong enforcement on Non-Canadian staff.   Heck, you even stopped 'Beer for Breakfast'."

Pause.  Heavy exasperated breathing.  Sweating.   Turning into the "HULK".

"You will NOT take away our Poutine.  Give me Poutine or Give Me Death!"

"Umm sir, I think if I gave you poutine it would give you death.  That's the point." snarked back the unwilling cashier.

"That's MY choice!  I've had it!  I'm getting angry.  You don't want angry.   You've never seen a Canadian angry.    You will dread this!"

He bursts into the hall.

"REVOLT!   REVOLT!  THEY'VE TAKEN AWAY POUTINE!  THEY'VE TAKEN AWAY POUTINE!"

Crowds build about the hero.   A small and growing throng is building.

"What?  No poutine?  Say it isn't so!"

"Those evil overlords!  We will take it to the people!"

"Poutine forever!   Poutine forever!  It's in the Canadian Constitution."

"Oh Canada, Our Home and Poutine Land.   Why it's even in the National Anthem!"

"More Brains... More brains...."

the Crowd in building and growing.  The halls are filling.   Every office is emptying.    The normally smiling Rodney is shaking his shoes in the air!

"I will smite them down if I do not get my Poutine!    I need it after a long day of playing xBox360!"

Rick is so angry he throws Rodney's phone on the ground in disgust.   "They can't do this!"

Ruth shoves poor Damir into the throng.   "Give this poor guy some poutine!   Give us Poutine now!"

The floors and the walls are shaking.    CD's are being thrown everywhere.   The cafeteria doors are shaking.

The great Poutine Sit in begins.

For three long months it went on and dragged on.   There were no events.  No happy users.   Developers even sat down and decided to be non-creative.  

Time went on.   Finally it echoed up through the ranks.  Poutine must be served.   They're going to die no matter what.   Let them die happy.

And so a wise word was passed from above.   A balanced equation.   A new day was created to bring about a focused "Poutine attack".   The all new "Poutine Day" was born.    Throngs of happy revelers danced and sang.    Poutine was worn as hats.    Poutine jugglers were there.   Poutine dunking contests were formed.    There was even "PoutineBall" a variant on paintball with large bowls of Poutine.   There was Poutine Pie, Poutine shakes from thick Gravy.    Why there was even Poutine Jello, although for some reason, nobody wanted it.

And so once a month, the crowds in Microsoft Canada gather to pay homage to the revolutionaries.   The remember that day with Poutine in all it's glory.

Can you imagine what would have happened it they shut down the Tim Horton's next to the Mississauga office?   But we won't speak of that.

For those people who are REALLY having a hard time dealing with what to eat, or when.

--------------------------------------------------------------

The phone rings.   Somebody has dialed 1800 HAVEGAS

"Hello Food tech support, Pete here.  How may I be of assistance on this fine day?"

"Yeah.   My stomach.  It feels.... weird."

"Well, I'm sorry I didn't catch your name."

"Jerry. It's... errrrrgh... Jerry."

"Sorry about that Jerry.  So if I understand you correctly, you were saying something about your stomach."

"Yeah, it feels.... WEIRD."

"Well Jerry, 'weird' is very vague phrase.  My tech support database lists too many entries on that behalf.   Could you elaborate?"

"Not really."

"Ok fair enough.   Is there a chance you could let me know what you ate recently?"

"Oh yeah.   I ummm.... I had some Fritos, four beers, half a pizza I found under the coffee table as well as 4 four coffees.   Oh oh.... and a box of 'Twinkies'."

"Great excellent.  Thanks Jerry.  Let me see.   Searching for you.  How's the stomach in the meantime?"

"Oh... WORSE... and still weird..."

"Sorry to hear that Jerry.   You know... Oh here we go.   According to the knowledge base articles here....  Say do you feel a kind of 'bubbling' from your stomach?"

"YES!  That's it!  And it feels like I'm going to explode."

"Funny you should say that, because in a SENSE you will."

the phone drops....

"Jerry... Jerry...."

"Sorry, I thought you said I was going to 'explode'."

"No no.  I said in a sense.   Sorry this is my first day on the job.  What it appears you are probably experiencing is the precursors to either... let me see.... It's listed as

either you're going to 'puke' or have diarrhea.  Possibly both."

"Will I DIE?!  That sounds horrible!"

"Well Jerry, I can't make that diagnosis.  I'm after all not a doctor.   This is just food tech support.   We're here to help you eat, we're really high specialists in a medical

diagnosis.    Personally I'd grab some Pepto Bismal but the safest thing is probably to go to the Emergency Room.   That combination of food is pretty dangerous."

"Great...Errrrgghh.. Thanks.... I'll head out now."

"No problem.   And next time give us a buzz in advance.  We might help you avoid the problem in advance."

"Right.... Errrrrgggghhhhhhhh" <klik>

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

the phone rings.

"Hello Food Tech support, how can I...."

"I can see colours.    The lights are blinking.... BIRDIES BIRDIES!"

"Ah ok.... Ummm what is the problem?"

"Birdies!   all over!  Birdies!"

"Ok I'm not sure what's going on, have you eaten anything?"

"I am the LIZARD KING!   All bow down before me!"

"Look I want to help you but I need some information, like your name?"

"I am the LIZARD KING!"

"Fine, now is that spelt with a capital L or would you just prefer the be called 'King'?"

"Innagoddadadiva BABY!"

"Fine fine.   So how can we at Food Tech Support help you today?"

"BROWNIES MAN!"

"Excuse me?"

"BROWNIES!  I LOOOVVE BROWNIES!"

"Ok, I think you need to hang up sir and call 1800 OVRDOSE.  I think they can help you better."

"BROWNIES!  The Colours!...." <klik>

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

The phone rings.  Again.

"Hello Food Tech Support.    What's up?"

"I am hungry."

"Ok.   We can help you there.  What's your name?"

"Rodney."

"Ok Rodney.  So you are hungry.   Have you eaten today?"

"Ummmm... eaten?"

"Well yes, you know.  Food."

"Oh... well you know.  I've done a LOT of traveling lately.   I'm not sure."

"No problem.  Let's try and go back a bit.   What did you have for lunch today?"

"Lunch?  Nope sorry, Xbox360 marathon."

"Fine no problem, these things happen.   How about breakfast?"

"No, can't say that happened either.  You see the Saturday morning cartoons were on."

"Ah, I can see where that was a problem.  Love them myself.   So Rodney, is it fair to see you haven't eaten since yesterday?"

"Hmmmm now that you mention it, I'm not sure... Well I DID have a Rockstar.  Does that count?"

"Not really.   Ok.   Now I think what you need to do... ok are you on a cordless phone?"

"Yep."

"Ok good, I'm going to stay on the line with you.   I need you to walk, and be careful now.  If you haven't eaten recently, this could get difficult!"

"I think I can do it. I.... I.... AAAAIGHIAHGIHA"

*WHAM*

"OUCH!  Darn cat!"

"That's ok sir, we can get you through this.   Can you see the fridge from where you're at?"

"Yep.   I... *gasp* can."

"Good excellent.  Now you're probably too weak to walk.   The cat knocking you over was a good indication.   Do you think you can manage to crawl?"

"I'll try."

"Good boy.   Now how far are you from the fridge right now?"

"I...I...Can't tell.... maybe... *Gasp*.... six feet."

"Ok, no problem.  We can do this.   Ok, now slowly drag yourself towards the fridge."

"EERRRRRRRGGGHH!!! Whooo.  Whoo.  Huff huff."

"Excellent.  Now a little bit more."

"YAAARRRRRRGGHHHH! ERRRRGGGHHH! Oh!  God all I can see is yellow spots and colours!"

"Are you ok?  Are you going to pass out?"

"No no... I'm fine.  I was staring at the wallpaper my wife put up.  *YUCK*"

"Ok no problem.  Now how far are you from the fridge?"

"One more.   Just one more... ERREEERGGHHH YAAAAARRRRHHHHUUGGH!!! Ok... *Huff Gasp*... I can touch the door."

"Ok try opening it if you can."

"Eerrrrgh UGGHHH ARRRGHG!  *Phew* it's open.   ALRIGHT!  ROCKSTARS!  PICKLES!"

"No Rodney.  I know it's tempting.   But you need something basic first.   I don't think you'll have the strength to open a can of anything right now.   Is there any bread in the fridge?"

"Looking.... so fuzzy.... There's a piece of bread.   Yeah.   That'll do!"

"No no... listen to me now.   You need, Please listen carefully.   You need to put some MEAT in that bread."

"Oh no.  I can't do that.  That would involve more effort and I..."

"Look sir.  A single piece of bread is not going to help you.    You NEED to get a little bit more in you and..."

"I just want a piece of bread.   Screw you.  That'll do the trick."

"Ok the problem here is sir that you haven't eaten in over a day.  Possibly more.   If you just eat a piece of bread, you're going to pass out.  Then my boss is going to yell at me for doing a bad job.   So if you could just open the meat drawer, maybe a slice of cheese even..."

"My house my rules.  My bread.  I'm going to have it 'My Way'"

"LOOK SIR THIS IS NOT THE BURGER KING!   YOU CALLED ME!  NOW OPEN THAT @#$?!@ MEAT DOOR!   GET A SLAB OF BALONEY, SALAMI, CHICKEN, TURKEY OR EVEN A HUNK OF THREE DAY OLD CHEESE OUT!  SHOVE IT BETWEEN THE BREAD NOW!   DON:T WASTE ANY MORE OF MY #@$#@$ TIME!"

The phone drops.   sounds of drawer quickly opening and shutting."

"Ok  ok... I'm sorry.   I have a pack of baloney.  But it's SEALED!"

"You know at this point?  It doesn't matter.  I need you to put the whole pack, Plastic and all, in the bread now.  And BITE DOWN HARD!"

"Ok... *CHOMP*"

"Now take another bite... a big one"

*CHOMP*

"Now Rodney, how was that?"

"*Snarf* *Klomp* GOOD *CHAW CHAW* Kinda chewy with the plastic."

"Well that's expected.   You might want a 'TUMS' after too.   Are you feeling better now?   You'll probably be picking plastic out for a few minutes..."

"Oh no problem.  I feel much better."

"And make sure you drink something to wash that down.  Not Rockstar.  Maybe some Juice or a glass of milk."

"Great thanks.   I Feel better.   Thanks Food Tech Support." <Klik>

Dumb but interesting methods of being secure in your network.

Hook up a wide open wireless router with range boosters.   Attach a wide open computer FULL of pornography with no internet access.   They'll be so busy drooling and downloading they won't have time for your corporate network.

Get a huge (and ancient) but REALLY impressive looking tower.   Put it behind a big expensive locked cabinet with glass doors.   Cover it with lots of signs saying "Don't" and "Not".  They'll never bother looking for the real thing.

Put really expensive high end hardware in really old (circa IBM XT) cases.  The retro fit will be worth the money.  "Who would WANT to steal THIS crap?"

Similarly wrap the high end patch cables with old grey Ma Bell phone wire casing.    Convince thieves you're too darn cheap to buy anything of value.

Make sure you rent a really crappy office in a dingy part of town.  Keep the OUTSIDE looking like a dump.   Behind the facade you can have the hot tub.

Retrofit old Commodore 64, Apple II, Atari monitors with current flat panel displays.   Throw off the scent further.

Go the local joke shop and get as MUCH "Fake Doodoo" as you can, leave it all around the desks.

Leave a LOT of very open, very DANGEROUS looking power cords laying about across equipment.   Nobody said they had to be plugged in.

Leave a bowl of very tasty looking candy on each desk, fill it with bits of glass.

Build Malay man catchers and open pit trips.   Train the staff VERY well on their locations.

There are probably other techniques that are most "accepted" by traditional society, but it never hurts to consider a little creativity.

"Signs the pets may have been near the PC" or
"Why my cat is getting locked up for life"

You know sometimes, no matter how much those little critters provide us with love (I mean pets, our family gets permanent "Get out of Jail" for free cards), they cause problems that just well...

Get US MAD!

Here's a few warning signs that the computers may have been "Visited"

A pile of "presents" left on of your keyboard.

The mouse has been devoured

Your manuals and everything you have been working on has been scattered across the floor.

Claw marks all across the flat panel monitor.

The cords anything are covered in suspicious bite marks.

A quiet meowing noise coming from the corner and sparks coming from it.

The new collar on the dog is VERY suspiciously "Lan cable" shaped.

The internet is offline, all of your troubleshooting shows a shattered router, broken modem and bits of plastic on the floor.   Somebody decided to play.

You can't make even ONE key work on the keyboard, you flip it over and dump half a bag of shavings on the ground.

For some odd reason, there are several emails to people on your address book, all of them have random subjects like "425nv9nsv nklcioh" and content similiarly.

A whole lot of fur near the exhaust fans on the PC and one less pet in the house. Hmmmm.

Puddles on the desk.  Not the nice kind.

Your new expensive manuals for MCSE have disappeared.   The gerbil cage seems to have aquired some new and more "colourful" shavings.

All of your favourite "Geek" shirts hanging by the desk have a few bite marks in place you personally have not bitten.

Lots of paw marks on all the pritner paper, lots of toner on the desk, and suddenly a VERY black and surprised looking pet. (where it was any colour BUT before)

Your suddenly highly intelligent pet has discovered how to make it's own litterbox.  Unfortunatley it is comprised of all your certificates and diplomas.

By the way, I have dog, some cats and small collection of Gerbils who will soon be looking for a new home...

They are grumpy, disgruntled but work cheap.

Some creative ways of dealing with stressful situations.

Now "Miss Manners" says that walking about the office with a small prybar and a loaded AK-47 is not the best way to handle stress or stressful situations.

And truthfully so.  It only ends up in hurt feelings (and fingers).

But these situations need to be dealt with.   On a more human and proper manner.    Letting the 'ID' out of the box is never the best way to go about doing it.

Situation

A customer has returned with a faulty piece of merchandise, they are angry.  Do you....

a) Contact the manager and work with the customer to expidite the issue in a courteous and professional manner.

b) Question their motives and examine the item for obvious damage caused by the customer

c) Bring about questions regarding their parentage and throw the item back at them.   After wards you call in the police for the apparent (but false) death threat  uttered by the customer.

Situation

Your very expensive Video machine from a Major Corporation has failed.  Do you.

a) Contact customer support, work with them and have the problem resolved as best as can be.

b) Yell, scream, cry and whine like a little baby to get your way.

c) Trace the phone number and determine the final destination.   You then get a plane ticket to that destination.    You smash through the front door to determine a new orifice to deposit the faulty hardware in.

Situation

You are driving in traffic.   You have just been cut off.   Do you.

a) Be dismayed by the apparent lack of manners in the driver and brush it off as that.

b) Flip them "the bird" and offer some creative "critique" on their driving style.

c) GUN THE ENGINE AND CHASE THAT MOTHER DOWN!

Situation

You have gone to a store to pick up an item that is one special.   You discover upon arrival the last one has been sold out.   Do you.

a) Chat with the floor manager to see if an equitable alternative item could be arranged for or possibly place the original on backorder.

b) Spit on the floor, invent some "magic phrases" and start having a "hissy fit".

c) Grab the most expensive item on the floor and proceed to walk out the door (without paying) and classify it as "just compensation", then turn about and chuck it into the parking, preferably hitting a very expensive car belonging to the owner.

Situation

You have just completed a job interview.   Upon the finalization you find the job was handed to somebody inside the company.   Do you.

a) Discuss with the hiring manager to see if there might be something available still, possibly in a lower position.

b) Suggest that everybody working there is only there because they are really good at "kissing butt"

c) Call in a false bomb scare on the hottest day just to get a rise out of them.  Then call in an anonymous call to the FBI tipping it off as the hiring manager who placed the false call.

Simple scoring system.

1 point for each (a) answer
2 points for each (b) answer
3 points for each (c) answer

0 - 4 You are cheating.   You can't have gotten that score.   So you automatically get a 15!   Get off this rock right now.

5  You are a peaceful member of society.   We probably will find you kissing baby pigeons and petting geese.  Yuck!

6 - 9 Well you probably won't get in TOO many fights but knowing how to run probably wouldn't hurt.

9 - 12 Let's just say you might have some "issues" and should probably get some help.  But I didn't say that.  It was that other guy down the road.   Yeah him.  You chase him and I'll hold him down.  Right?  Right?  Just you and me bud right?

12 - 15 How can I put this delicately?   What way would be politically correct and polite?  Never mind there is none.  You are out of your gord and should go find a nice safe dumpster to live in.   You shouldn't be around anything more irritating than "Jello" and no more personality than a carton of milk.  Let's just leave it at that.

And so another holiday.   Thanksgiving.    Been looking forward to this one.

TURKEY.

Three weeks of Turkey soup, Turkey Sandwiches, Turkey Ala King, Turkey Jerky.... Mmmmmm

But of course, the beginning.

Thanksgiving day.  

Dad glances at the calendar and realizes a small problem.   Uhoh. 

Forgot to buy the turkey.

Well it's not until tomorrow.  This problem is easily rectified.   Go to the shop and buy one.   

How difficult can THAT be?

(Editors note.  Famous last words...)

So quickly up to the "Shop-O-Rama".    Up to the meat department.   "Hey any turkeys left? I'm looking for..."

They point at him and drop to the floor in laughter.

"You FORGOT?! HA HA HA HA HAR HAR HAR!"

"So you're saying..."

"Well if you like," they slip in between guffaws, "We can sell you a chicken and call it a micro-Turkey!"

Dad spins about in disgust.      Up the road to "Uber Food Market".

There is a bin of Turkeys here.  Good all is well until we glances and notices a small problem.   There is not one bird larger than 2 pounds.

He goes to the fellow in charge.  "Is there any chance you've anything just a LITTLE bit larger?" poor Dad glances nervously about.  "My wife doesn't have much of a sense of humour about these things."

Meat counter dude looks up.  "Uh no man.   Like those are the new 'Micro Turkeys'.   They're like really popular with college students.   They fit like right inside a Microwave and stuff.   Even come prestuffed.  

Dad shuffles about.   He is in trouble.     He grabs a half dozen 'Micro-Turkeys" just in case and throws them in the back of the car.

That's it.   Time to pull out the big guns.

Dad heads right down to "Super Big Megalo Mart".  they're bound to have some.  Price might be a tad high.   And the bird a bit big.

The glowing neon letters of "Super Big Megalo Mart" appear before
him.  
They beckon for him to enter.

He Does.   Large glowing signs screaming "X-mas is only 2 months away!  BUY! BUY! BUY!" shout down at poor Dad.      The electronic daemons shout out "This way to MegaLite specials."

Dad ignores them all.  He just wants a bird.  One Damn bird to make sure Thanksgiving dinner is nice.  To make sure a massive surplus of bird is in the fridge for midnight snacking.

Ahah.  The bin.  Frozen birds galore.   Small problem.   All were no smaller than Fourty-three pounds and double the price.

"Two hundred dollars for a turkey.   Oh crud!" Dad mutters.   The thoughts go through his head.   Two possibilities.

"Honey I bought a half dozen 'Mini Turkeys' that were on special."

or

"Honey I got the biggest turkey I could find for the family."

Right, don't tell her the price, that sounds better.  And if she sees the price tag it will be "I spared no expense on my family."

Yes.  Way better.  Oh so no coffee for a month but better than the doghouse for two months.

And of course stuffing.   That monster will need stuffing.   And oh GOODY.  It's on special. 

Bird stuffing.  One gross.   only $49.99.   Cranberries.   Crap almost forgot.   Ok one "Big Can o Berries" only $19.99.

So Dad (after PAYING) marches proudly to the car with a back breaking bird a skid full of stuffing and a jar of cranberries that would kill a small dog.

Arriving home Dad realizes a minor snag in tomorrows dinner plan.

How to fit that behemoth into a standard oven.

Looking about the basement dad sees a solution.   Power tools.  Nope nope that won't work.  Might fit but no way to stuff it.

then Dad remembers.   The MegaBurnoFlamomatic BBQ he got for Father's day.

"YES!" Dad cries victoriously.  BBQ and Thanksgiving.  His two favourite holidays!

Now to deal with the second problem.   How to defrost a Fourty-three pound turkey in less than twenty-four hours.

"If I was to leave it the BBQ at a very Very very very low temperature... Just for a bit..."

No. no.... Plastic is a problem.

So Dad boiled up about ten gallons of water,  and dipped half the bird into a huge basin for washing the dog.  

"That should help." Dad muttered proud of his ingenuity.

Next morning Dad awakes to prepare the feast.   The giant monstrous bird from Hell was hauled out to the BBQ.    Of course.   Dad just remembered.

"STUFFING!"

Now to make a few boxes isn't a challenge.   But one GROSS of stuffing.

"Easily fixed."  Dad grabs his power drill, pours the water, breading, liquid butter and can of spices.  Soon he begins the 'MegaBlend'.

Stuffing is ready.  

Now to stuff the bird.... "Oh no!"

Although Dad DID prep the bird in advance, the 'Business End' for the stuffing was still frozen.

Dad thinks, Need to pry it open.  Somehow.  Pry... pry....

"Ding!" A pry-bar is naturally good for this.   So Dad grabs the sledge hammer, begins banging away at the poor bird.   He begins prying open the maws of the beast....   He gives up on the neck.

"Extra meat, it's extra meat."

Now how to get 'all that stuffing' in there.  Looking about a solution presents itself.

"The shovel!  Perfect!"  And so the shoveling begins.   The maw fills and closes up.  Dad pats it up to get the last bits in there.  

"Hmmm still half a bin of stuffing, Dog can eat that."

Now the final detail.   Everybody is expecting dinner at 5:00pm.   Now problem is a fourty-three pound bird should NORMALLY take about twelve hours.  Bird is partially frozen and it's 11:00am.    Well then, just adjust a few variables.  

"Increase the temperature."

So jack up the temperature to 500 Fahrenheit.  Close the door.   Voila!

Dad heads inside.    Now just how was he going to get rid of fourty-three pounds of bird.   "Neighbors.  Relatives."

Dad gets on the horn.  Starts inviting a few extras over.   Only fourteen or so.

Then of course a new problem surfaces.   "Lack of liquids."  Quickly to the beer store.  "Two cases please of whatever you have left."  Dad is stuck with Budweiser.  I guess that'll do.

"Oh nuts!" Dad was going to need more mashed potatoes and vegetables.   One quick trip to the Shopper Mart.   Thirty boxes of "Enmesh" along with a one gallon "Can OF Peas".

So Dad quickly zooms home with the goodies.   Quickly open up the oven, fill the bowls the the required ingredients.   Crank up the temp.  

Soon the whole neighbourhood (Thanks to the huge roasting fourty-three pound monster roasting in the the MegaBurnoFlamomatic) reeks of giant turkey.   And EZMash.   And peas!

The table is now set.   A few extra plates are pulled out from the basement, as well as some quickly rigged tables made from doors and bricks.

People are arriving at the door.   Dad sets everybody down.   Mom is laying out the final trimmings on the table.  

It's actually happening.  Dad pulled it off.   And then. 

"Awww crap, how the !@#$#@ do I carve this?!"

And so it was at that moment Dad decided on a solution.

A simple but somewhat 'Noisy' solution.

And as the family sat down eagerly awaiting dinner.  At that moment with everybody dressed up for dinner.

That very moment, everybody heard the chainsaw fire up.

And so a minutes later, Dad staggers into the kitchen with a mountain of bird meat.   Covered head to foot in bits of turkey, stuffing ash.

"Who wants white meat?  Who wants dark?" Dad smiles proudly.

Happy Thanksgiving all... "Dad"

With HUGE apologies to the Ramones and "I Wanna Be Sedated"

"I'm gonna be Caffeinated"

Twenty-twenty-twenty more coffees to go,  I am caffeinated
The server has crashed, I need to stay up, I am caffeinated
Just drop me on the rack, with Timmies from a friend
Pour about a gallon, drive me round the bend
My body is a shaking, this might just be the end
Oh Whoa Oh Whoa Oh Whoa!

Twenty-twenty-twenty more coffees to go,  I am caffeinated
The network is down, No sleep for me now, I am caffeinated
The client is a screaming, he's a bloody pain
Get him outta here before I go insane
My fingers are a shaking, so's my freaking brain
Oh Whoa Oh Whoa Oh Whoa!

Twenty-twenty-twenty more coffees to go,  I am caffeinated
They want their mail now, I'm not allowed home, I am caffeinated
Just roll me a in a wheelchair, I can't stand on my feet
I'll take a double double, my body is so beat
My fingers fell right off, my mouth takes just like peat
Oh Whoa Oh Whoa Oh Whoa!

Twenty-twenty-twenty more coffees to go,  I am caffeinated
My eyes are bloodshot and can't walk at all, I am caffeinated
I'll take it in a cup, I'll take in a glass
Pour it in me now, I'm laying on my ass
Sorry for the lyrics, the words were rather crass
Oh Whoa Oh Whoa Oh Whoa!

Type-type-typea Type-type-typea, I am caffeinated
Type-type-typea Type-type-typea, I am caffeinated
Type-type-typea Type-type-typea, I am caffeinated
Type-type-typea Type-type-typea, I am caffeinated